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Going through changes.

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by mnm5671, Jan 5, 2020.

  1. mnm5671

    mnm5671 New Fapstronaut

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    So heres my totally fucked up story.
    I grew up in a rural bible town in the south. The only thing my parents ever taught me about sex was "you dont have it until you're married" and "masturbating/porn is sin". Naturally as a kid in the early 2000s I eventually found porn. It was my sexual education but I also felt ashamed of everything I did. When I was 17 I would masturbate to porn about once or twice a day. Usually to incest stuff. One day my aunt was over for christmas and we drank. She got hammered and I had a nice buzz going. I went to bed and she stayed up drinking. I'm asleep. She comes in my room and just collapses in my bed. I'm half asleep and buzzed so I just roll over and go to sleep. Well around 3 am I am woken up.
    My dick is harder than it's ever been and she has her hand gripped around it. A million thoughts rush through my head. Do I stop this? Will mom and dad think I did it? Fuck it feels good. She starts to stroke me and I have no idea what to do so I just try to stay still and pretend to be asleep while she jerks me off through my underwear. Eventually she slips her hand in and makes skin to skin contact. She knows exactly what shes doing. She jerks me just enough for pleasure but not enough to put me over the edge. Then she takes me in her mouth. And again edges me but wont let me finish. Eventually I cant take it any more. I "wake up" and roll on top of her. We end up having sex and I cum inside her.
    After we just went back to sleep and woke up the next morning as if nothing had happened. I dont even know if she knows it wasnt a dream or even happened. I just keep quiet because it's better for everyone I tell myself. Flash forward 7 years. I'm 23 my porn usage has increased to 3 times daily on top of having sex with my gf. Eventually we marry. At first everything is great. I'm using porn less and her more but after a few months I start to realize her sex drive just isnt anywhere near mine. It's not even close. I dont want to cheat on her so I use porn to fill the gaps. I start jerking and having sex for around 10 orgasms a day for the next 4 years. One day I start to realize I'm slowly becoming not attracted to her. And why should I?
    Porn has perfect tits hers are flat. Porn does all the kinky stuff I want to. She wont even swallow
    or even go to a normal dance party because they "arent fun". Now I've given up porn in an effort to a) stop masturbating so much that I dont do anything else and b) try to rekindle our romance. However, since I quit cold turkey there has been a massive drop in dopamine. I feel depressed. I even replaced porn with going to the gym but I fear that my libido will increase now that I've given up porn but hers will stay the same and I'll be left in the same problem I was early in our marriage. My libido being sky high while hers is low moderate at best.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 5, 2020
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  2. CodeTalker

    CodeTalker Fapstronaut

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    This sentence feels so wrong. You see your wife as a sex object that need to do things pornstar do.

    This is crazy. I would be dead if I did that I think.


    it does seem that your only option to contain your urges.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.

  3. Sounds like we had similar backgrounds & stories dude, I grew up in a strict religious household and had a full blown (yet secret) sexual relationship with my sister when we were teenagers. Of course I'm ashamed of it, very f**ked up and I went through years or drug & alcohol use trying to forget about it all, before I met my wife.

    My wife & I have been together for 10 years, and even though she has a much lower sex drive than me she's always entertained my needs - longest I've gone without sex in that time in just under 3 weeks I think. Even when she's not in the mood, she'll let me pound away as we spoon and watch a film, as long as I give her a nice back / foot massage. So we each get ours!
     
  4. Joe1023

    Joe1023 Fapstronaut

    That's pretty crazy! How much of that story does your wife know about? Does she know about your aunt? I would definitely recommend talking to a CSAT about your porn use and especially about your aunt. He or she can help you figure all that out and help you make a plan on where to go from here. You're NOT alone, man. Just remember that. I don't care what you've done or what you've been through, you're not the only one in your boat. I'd also highly recommend going to a weekly SA meeting. (You can find your local meeting at SA.org Get a sponsor from the meeting, and maybe an AP or two.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  5. mnm5671

    mnm5671 New Fapstronaut

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    Update for you guys.
    Yes my wife knows everything. I've always told her. She viewed my porn usage as acceptable for when she didnt want to have sex. Sometimes she would even watch with me and I'm going to lie that was so exciting. I am currently on day 5 now of not using porn/nofap and going strong. I just washed all my laundry and folded/hung up half of it and went and actually got the documents I needed. The thing is I still occasionally see a tit or something or even a scantily clad woman for an ad. It is impossible to escape porn completely in this world. I dont masturbate but the thoughts and excitements are still there.
     
  6. mnm5671

    mnm5671 New Fapstronaut

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    Wives are indeed sex objects m8. They just arent ONLY sex objects.
     
  7. Joe1023

    Joe1023 Fapstronaut

    I would be VERY careful about making those kind of statements. I'm not saying there's no place for that in marriage, but for us addicts, that's horribly dangerous ground to walk on.
     
    JamesTheSquirrel likes this.

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