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Advice - what can I do to help my partner heal after my betrayal?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by That'sJustDandy, Jan 8, 2020.

  1. I'm posting this here because I'd be interested in the perspective from the betrayed partner.

    I've been betraying her for around 2.5 years at the point of discovery - lots of lying directly to her, she discovered rather than me disclosing, I was using more multiple hours almost daily (at least 5/7 days). She discovered mid-November - I'm clean of my main fetish since then, but totally sober for about 3 weeks now.

    I'm now engaging with recovery (Sexaholics Anonymous, therapy, here, reading relevant literature, limiting IT use, etc) and have been trying to work hard at it.

    What I want to know though is, from the perspective of people who've suffered at the hands of unfaithful addicts like me, what can I do to help her heal? I have no idea of our relationship will survive this, but I feel that I owe her this at least regardless.

    I've been realising over the last day or so that I'm still being selfish - my addiction was selfish obviously, but I've been very introspective while beginning to engage in recovery. It's one of many things I want to change.
     
  2. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Helping her heal is a good resource
    Worthy of her trust is another
    The biggest thing you can do, don’t lie about anything. Ever. Again. Second biggest thing, don’t relapse.
     
  3. I agree with @Psalm27:1my light that being completely honest is critical along with no relapses. Another thing that I think a lot of PA's have difficulty with is not being defensive, especially if she's upsets or has questions. I understand it's hard not to be that way, but it only makes her pain and damage exponentially worse.

    Be accountable. Be understanding. Be patient. She's trying to work through an emotionally tangled mess right now.
     
    BB85, rostronaut, Raging Wife and 5 others like this.
  4. no lying. lies hurt each time and take a long time to get out of your mind. if you lie and then lie again even days later, you might as well punch her in the face. after chronically doing this, each lie is a mortal blow. I don't know how else to describe it. it's literally the deception, not as much the particulars of the information, that rip us up inside. it quite literally is agony. I feel it in my chest, right in the middle. the fear of being lied to starts in the guts, like indigestion feels.

    you are doing a kind and courageous thing by choosing to expand your awareness on her experience to necessetate healing. it will be a long ordeal, and you might not know how difficult it may actually be for her. for you, the bulk of the difficulty has probably just been overcome, but for her it's going to be painful and confusing for much longer. think of it like punching underwater. you already delivered the blows, but she is feeling them and the afterwave in delayed fashion and by the time it gets to her it's a surreptitious mass of water molecules plowing into the next with a traffic jam behind.

    weird metaphore but it just kind of fit the mental projection I am having.

    if you are solid and completely committed to recovery, let her see each and every effort you are making in your recovery work, unless she doesn't want that (give her time to accept the whole thing if this is the case, because eventually her emotional support will be part of her healing. she has to get to a point where her emotions aren't crowding you out of her sphere of compassion. might be some time though.)

    just keep in mind that the amount of time and energy you've spent on your addiction up until now, was essentially stolen from the relationship while she was likely trying to sustain it with equal parts time and energy she will never get back. she may feel taken advantage of, used, abandoned, rejected, terrified that you played mind tricks for so long at her expense, etc. it's really quite scary of a realization that someone you trusted implicitly and devoted yourself to has essentially not valued you much at all without your knowledge. it's like finding out you were adopted , or worse, having been told you were adopted your whole life and finding out you actually weren't adopted but nearly given up for adoption. they lied!! everything you know is now in question. is it another lie? maybe there's an even stranger more horrifying reality that you are too dumb to realize.... how can you be sure, they lied!
     
    BB85, Raging Wife and That'sJustDandy like this.
  5. oh, but as far as things you can do to bring comfort and show you mean to be there for her is let her vent, let her cry or break down or be mean and crazy sometimes.... it's a massive confusion of emotions and sometimes you won't know how or what you did to get a lashing out of nowhere. you might have triggered a memory or she relived a betrayal in her mind and suddenly you are unsafe, as if you did it all two hours ago. it's trauma, for real. PTSD is no understatement, unfortunately. be there for her through these episodes. I mean, it can get really volatile and seem like she wants to rip your dick off or kick you out and never see you again, tell you she hates you, etc. (maybe it's just me that loses all sense of control) but she is just in a state of intense fear which can come out as anger or aggression. work on letting go of defenses and simply trying to see her actions as coming from a place of deep woundedness. if you saw it in the raw, she would be sobbing and may actually end up doing so when you aren't around or maybe when you are. my partner does not understand how to take responsibility for his actions in a meaningful way, so he just runs away or ignores my painful breakdowns. he explained to me that his instinct is to remove himself, since he was the harming agent. "why would you want me to be there when you're hurting because of me? I'm probably the last person you want around". this is tragic because in a way, it's the fatal fallacy that exists in avoidant behavior. we are in a partnership to withstand hardships together, not isolate ourselves from the pain of the other. that's how I see it. if it was anybody, Santa clause, my mom, or even him, his role as a partner is to be compassionate through the difficulty. so what if he caused it? it hurts, emotions are a process no matter what causes them. think of the partnership as a community of aspects and archetypal energies. your tyrant may have hurt my orphan child, but your hero can show up for me while I let my inner saint forgive your betrayal. we can still work together despite conflicts in this same sort of fashion. love is dynamic and always prefers to be in communion than to be left alone during hardship. if you can take the hurtful words and show her you really are the man she can be with, you can meet her pain with extra hugs, long meaningful eye contact, listening to her speak her feelings and really listening, imagining being her with her background and her experiences and history, not to judge yourself but to understand the way things may be translated by her heart and mind. be the big brother/dad/best friend and let her cry on your shoulder or punch your stomach and help her see and feel that you will not let her drown in sorrow or leave her alone in her confusion and pain. this probably entails a lot of idle restraint, like not speaking excessively if she's expressing and listening only until she's done, standing by while a fit occurs or remaining home when you were about to go to a movie with pals but she had a paranoid episode. do not leave unless you absolutely must when she has unquelled suspicion or upsets enough to disrupt her own day's activities, do not just go about yours and let her deal with it. you need to be proactive in these moments, because that's when the wounded parts are on duty and you have you best access to that which needs healing and reassurance. you want to prove the paranoia obsolete as its i
    iappening, you want to be the one helping her dig through pockets and ask the right questions to be answered honestly. you want to know from her what it is that will soothe the fear, what information or proof or written oath, whatever it be, that will satisfy the investigator on duty.

    not even gonna go back and tidy up my post cause it came streaming out and I think it will be the most insight left unedited. apologies for the rant.
     
  6. Hey dude. Not in a relationship here, but to me it seems pretty obvious that trust is the key. Like, no lies as mentioned before and just be your best self towards her. No lies, dramas, bullshiting etc. Be disciplined and stay true, she will respect that.
     
    Raging Wife and That'sJustDandy like this.
  7. Thank you to everyone responding to this - it's appreciated.

    I understand how destructive lying is - it's the main issue my partner has, frankly. I've lied so much and for so long. It's almost a go to reaction for me, or if don't lie, I get very defensive. I'm working on that - progress feels slow and I'm trying to undo so much damage.

    I'm trying to be supportive and helpful. Show her I'm committed and want to make things right. It scares me that I may have done too much damage for that to be possible - if that's the case, I want to help her heal for her future if not ours.
     
    Raging Wife likes this.
  8. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    This is THE BEST way anyone has explained it! 100% spot on.
     
    akitty820 and That'sJustDandy like this.
  9. sotiredofthis

    sotiredofthis Fapstronaut

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    Stop lying. Disclose everything. Period. Not one more lie or omission.
     
  10. Agreed. It's pathetic that I've lied in the past - that's what the core problem is, far more than the porn.

    I'm trying to be open and transparent. I get do defensive sometimes, and I try to push that away and calm myself, but sometimes that's very hard.
     
  11. sotiredofthis

    sotiredofthis Fapstronaut

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    help me out here. This is exactly what I am dealing with. I told my husband just stop lying. Make me feel like this is an addiction, not a choice. You choose to lie, you’re addicted to porn. Open your mouth and say the truth.

    why is it so hard for you? Is it because you don’t want to let go of the porn and if you say the truth, you’ll have to stop?

    do you find those women more attractive than what you have?

    why do you lie?

    May husband says “I don’t know”. I told him if he says that one more time, I’m going to lose my crap.
     
  12. sotiredofthis

    sotiredofthis Fapstronaut

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    I would absolutely love your input - your deep down input because I cannot understand if all I hear is please don’t leave me, I’ll do anything, I don’t know why I lie.
    Grrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!
     
  13. you've gained some courage since you started here, i think. i've been trying to figure out what the obstacle to telling the truth is, with my SO...and its like trying to navigate a mirror funhouse on a ship during a storm. even though he appears to realize that the lying only begets far worse shame, humiliation, drama and anger than the truth telling would bring, he can't seem to get his toddler brain to go along with it (we all have a toddler brain somewhere deep within). i THINK its the insane refusal to accept that he will not manage to get away with it somehow, or the whip at his heels from the master slave-driving addict part of his ego, which he'd long ago identified as part of who he is and even took to artful depictions of the title in his past.

    [warning: minor segue-way partially off topic maybe]
    sadly, i think that art can be made into a tool of destruction, as easily as it can be used to assist healing. i propose that drawing or creating concepts externally is a form of visualization toward manifesting a desire or an intent. totally unaware of this, children use it to conquer their anxieties because while they may draw monsters, the monsters are then completely known to them, which kinda disarms the main component of fear - the unknown...the blanks, the mysterious possibilities that are incalculable. the very same components that create living nightmares for an SO of a PA.....

    living in fear of what is so close you can feel it breathing in your life, but remains elusive by the lying and trickery of your "partner", whom almost appears to resemble a monster at times, in the right light....when he isn't prepared or in control of your awareness.

    it is like being forced back into the toddler brain by a gaslit fever. fear is a mighty sickness to impose onto someone who loves you. :(
     
    +TenPercent likes this.
  14. oh my god.....this tormenting persuit is what really fractures my entire being, too. i am a creature so used to pure honesty because that is my "addiction" in intimacy, i guess. i get a high from being free and open to the one i love, but that shit has totally disturbed my inner workings in that regard. i am beginning to understand it in a backwards way, since now i don't trust anybody at fucking all. i find it uncomfortable to be straight forward anymore, cause i feel so terribly vulnerable to the slightest poisonous opinion or snide remark. i think the lying is coming from that ego, which is suck in a kind of self-preservation loop from some other period of time. prolly when they were a kid and something humiliating happened or some feeling they were ashamed of was shone a light and inspected and criticized or regularly devalued, so they lied and it ended up working - it stopped the attack on their sense of self and they probably managed to continue this tactic into adulthood without much ado, so it seemed the natural way of things. now they don't know how else to be vulnerable but to mask their real vulnerabilities.

    maybe. i just kind of think while i type and hit post, it feels like idea roulette. when i read it later will it be brainless or mind blowing?
     
  15. I really like your point that I might be addicted to porn, but I can choose to lie or tell the truth. Thank you for wording that as you did.

    I'm ashamed of what I've done - specific aspects of the porn (I enjoy the fetish I used almost exclusively, but I often feel very uncomfortable to disgusted by it); the lies I've told (I can see the irony in lying to cover up lies...); my own weakness (this is the 3rd time I'm trying to kick this after major relapses); the hurt I've done to my partner; the hurt that might be done if she knew (she'd feel better, not worse, if I was totally open but I still lie); and there's less specific fear, anxiety and shame.

    I know that's vague and probably unhelpful. I don't totally understand myself, but I want to - I want to understand why I do this and lie about it. Why am I so pathetic.

    As for attraction my partner is a very attractive woman - both to me and by society's standards. As I've allowed porn to take hold our sex life has gone downhill, but that's not due to her being unattractive. In terms of what/who I'm looking at, it's very different physically to her - this means she understandably struggles to believe I'm attracted to her. I think part of me must prefer that, which hurts to type, but I'm not entirely sure that this part of my sexuality is innate - I think (and hope) it's porn induced.
     
    akitty820 likes this.
  16. I do wonder if it's something I developed as a defence mechanism. I'm not sure what in response to, but I was bullied most of school up until the end of highschool.

    It's still no excuse, but I suppose something developed young could be hard to decode and rewire :/
     
  17. sotiredofthis

    sotiredofthis Fapstronaut

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    You could be my husband. He says he doesn’t want anyone else, yet what he looks at are not in my age range or breast size.
    So do you think if you give this up for her, you’ll be unsatisfied because you don’t have your “preference” anymore?

    If you see your wife hurting because she just wants to be the woman you want above all others, but you show her by your actions that you want others above her? I am seriously struggling with this. I ask him why. He says he doesn’t know. I guess I want to be in his head so I can feel and understand what’s going on. I try but I get so many I don’t knows.

    Where is love for her on the spectrum when you decide to do porn? Do you put it aside? Is she even in your head or does she not exist once you decide you’re going to relapse?

    If you could have the porn star of your dreams but had to leave your wife for it, would you? If not, why not?
     
  18. Ironically I thought you sounded very similar to my partner! It's an interesting coincidence.

    I don't really know if I'd feel unsatisfied or not. Perhaps I would if this is just a part of my sexuality. But I'm not entirely convinced that it is; tastes warping/growing/changing is a facet of porn addiction, after all. Frankly even if this is just "me" (and that's a depressing thought), then there are some hungers it is best not to feed.

    And the duality of "I love this person" versus "I find porn alluring" is really hard for me. I love her and don't want to hurt her, but at the same time I've been doing this for years - I'm currently 28 days clean after 2.5 years.

    That brings to the next point, and I've found my head is weirdly compartmentalised about this. My relationship and my porn use feel like they existed in two totally different worlds. I know they didn't, and I can now very clearly see the impact; I can see how my addiction corrupted my relationship. I hate myself for my ability to compartmentalise like that - it's very cold and disrespectful to my partner. And how could she believe I love her if I was capable of doing that to her with so little thought...

    If I had a choice between the porn star of my dreams and her, I'd always say her - we've been together nearly 11 years, have just bought a house, and had our lives and family planned. We'd built foundations together and I care about her and want to give her a safe life.

    But when you look what I did...

    It's so alien to what I think and how I identify. It might be an addiction, but I allowed it to truly take hold of me and change me. Stuff like that is hard to deal with for me.
     
    akitty820 and sotiredofthis like this.
  19. sotiredofthis

    sotiredofthis Fapstronaut

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    I am probably like most other woman, territorial and monogamous. I equate love with sex. I cannot randomly have sex with someone and have it do anything for me.
    So it’s not understandable and very threatening to my marriage that other women are being brought in it. Because I know love and sex go together. And I expect for my husband to have love and sex go together. So when my husband lusts other women, the back of my mind says I’m not good enough for him, he found someone he likes better, he’s going to leave me for these women. It rattles my emotions and stability to the core.
    Maybe that’s why women cannot ever get the answers we’re looking for and will never fully understand. My mind doesn’t comprehend the difference between emotional intimacy and sex. I never will.

    thank you for your answers. I’ve read your post a few times and plan on re-reading.
     
    Lilla_My and MidnightOwl like this.
  20. sotiredofthis

    sotiredofthis Fapstronaut

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    One more question, be dead honest, why do you lie?
     

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