Hi, I'm trying to stop by myself, but keep relapsing

Hello everyone,
I'm French so my sentences might be a little strange. Having a French pronunciation . I would love if anyone could correct me about my pronunciation. I'm really good at listening and reading, but I do not practise enough my speaking in English .

For my little presentation, I'm a man of 22 years old. I'm currently at school in software engineering and I really love it. I want to do my next internship this year outside of my country. Travelling, the feeling of not being in control drives me!

I don't really remember the first time I used pornography, but I was young. I remember a moment, like à 12 years old sending a porn video to my best child friend (she was a girl) to try to do this. It was the first and last time I've shown her porn, but we were playing the doctor game when we were young, discovering our body and everything.

The porn always has a big impact in my life.

When I was young -12 years old, I was watching porn one a week.

At the middle of my adolescence I really started to binge watch it, for more than 2 hours a day. I was gaming and watching porn at the same time. My friend was playing online games on the computer, so I didn't have to get out of my bedroom.

At the end of my adolescence, like 18 years old, it really became a problem. I did not get any real friend and my life was going to school and returning to my computer the fastest to watch porn. I was at that moment that I begin to watch more extreme types of porn to satisfy my everlasting sensation. I began to buy sex toys and spend a lot of money feeling new sensations.

One or two years after I realize that it was not good to buy all these sex toys. I bought for like 2000$ of sex toys, I was still at school... So after a lot of effort I finally got the courage to throw everything to the garbage. But the porn viewing was still there, I just replace the sex toys with more extreme porn.

Older, like in my 20s, I've tried to contact escorts and I was really disappointed off the feeling they give me. I was more aroused while browsing for one than having sex with her. After I always feel really guilty and dirty...

I've become really affected by my addiction when I was diagnosed with Chron disease in winter 2018. A this moment I was really at a moment in my life where it breaks or not. I was going to the hospital 3 times a week because of the pain and the fact that I was dehydrating myself. I passed a total of 2 months hospitalized to detect the illness and to begin a treatment. I don't know if my porn addiction has a link with the disease, but they are really close. I know that most of my porn bingeing comes from the stress it's a big factor in the Crohn disease.

I've tried to stop porn a year ago, but I have always relapse until this day. I've read books about it, made some planning of my time, change my environment, even completely remove my computer.

For my rebooting, I really want this time to work, because it eats me from the inside and I really lose a lot of time and energy with it.

The parameter I choose is the hard mode, but if I got a relationship with someone I really love, not the sex, but for the love I would accept to orgasm. This is the only reason I would accept it. I would like to do the challenge for at least 6 months.

I start my reboot at zero today.

 

I don't really have a plan. I don't know where to start this . I've made a calendar when a will track my days count and I plan the store my computer in my closet to remove the urge when I'm sitting at my desk!

 

Thanks everyone,
I didn't expected to have that much support from all you

 

I'm working on it, it looks relativly easy until you really start it... I've been relapsing for the last days being really down, but I want to start this week fresh and strong!