35 and older accountability, Group 2

I share in this mindset. I am confident that the body is incredibly resilient and will adjust itself when it needs to sleep. This has been proven to me recently.

Over the past several years I had been taking 2 mg. alprazolam every night before bedtime. For the past 13 weeks I've slowly been tapering and I'm currently down to .25 mg every night before bedtime, a fraction of what I was taking just several months ago.

Just as I expected, my body has adjusted itself throughout the tapering phase. On most nights I sleep better than I have in many years, and I ALWAYS wake up feeling rejuvenated, despite significantly decreasing the dosage of these sleeping pills.

From 12/31/2019 until January 7, 2020, after I tapered from .5 mg to .25 mg before bedtime, I didn't sleep well, but the morning of January 8, 2020 I awoke feeling like I slept like a baby, feeling clear and rejuvenated. This felt like a major victory for me, for my body had righted itself, and I further reinforced my own sense of confidence and belief that I never have to fear sleeplessness.

So when I'm unable to sleep, I never fight it. I know not everyone will agree with me on this, but when I wake up in the middle of the night I almost always read from my electronic devices. I do that and I also pray the Lord's prayer. I'm usually asleep within the hour, and not once in the past 13 weeks have I ever considered taking more medication in the middle of the night to help me sleep.

 

Wholeheartedly agree. I've had a fair share of ups and downs. I'm learning that the struggle is very real, and, thankfully, very worthy. I am also thankful that my "up" days now seem to outnumber my "down" days, and though I still still encounter feelings of depression and anxiety, they rarely seem to have quite as much bite to them.

Congratulations on bouncing back and overcoming. Wishing you continued success into 2020 and beyond

 

I still have resentment to one supervisor that was verbally abusive and demeaning to me. Others lessened. I’m more mindful of the resentment and I can relate to them as humans. My biggest character defect, besides being an addict, is rejecting others for being imperfect in ways that damage my pride, ambition, or ego in some way. The 4th Step in AA/SAA helps me recognize these moments and acknowledge my character defects and how I have done similar things to others. I can see how that boss and two of the people I struggle to relate to want the same things as me: respect, authority, and power. I also see that porn actresses and intrigue partners I seek are often mirrors of me: broken, wanting unconditional acceptance, and female mirrors of me. The challenge is recalling this in the moment at work or in front of a computer screen.

 

I couldn't agree more. For me, abstention alone isn't going to cut it, and I'm most certainly relying on God, family, and friends for support.

In the past 80+ days I've also pursued (and accomplished!) more goals than I did in the past several years. Identifying goals and pursuing them has been huge for me. No matter how trivial. Every day I prefer knowing what I intend to accomplish. Especially on weekends when I have a lot of time to fill. I've also focused on identifying and facing my fears.

For me a clear mind leads to a clear focus. I live life with 100% honesty. No lies, no exceptions. This is new for me. I have also greatly diminished my consumption of alcohol, and I quit smoking weed cold turkey. I stopped injecting testosterone cypionate on December 1, 2019, and I've also reduced my dosage of alprazolam from 2 mg per night to .25 mg per night, and in 5 weeks I'll be done taking alprazolam for life.

Also, exercise and diet are important to me. In my opinion these are the best anti-depressant and anti-anxiety prescriptions. I train with weights and do cardio 5xs a week, and I eat and drink simple and nutrient-dense sources.

 

Thank you for your candor. You got knocked down but you also got back up and dusted yourself off. Respect!

 

I'd like to get back in the group if I can. I relapsed several times over the holidays, and I want to retake control now. I plan to post at least once a week.

 

Update

Been having a great time total peacefulness, almost no tempation and no suffering.

Then Recently I connected to this girl on Instagram who some how had the most beatiful girl she sounds so attractive to me, all of a sudden i feel a pain in my heart.

Its like I feel so peaceful and then seeing or meeting attractive women, brings back the suffering of the desire to be with a women, and knowing fully the pain, drama and suffering that it brings.

It is such a puzzling thing. I had this idea to actually take a vow of celibacy for a whole year this year and just renounce sex and girls.

But Part of me feels that I may be suppressing my desires and second that I am doing it from fear - and that by being in relationship - though it comes with suffering - it is also a huge learning and growth opportunity -

But i also am scared of my own ego in relationships -

Last year I had a 2 months relationship with a woman - which was like a roller coaster ride, super exciting and super painful -


This whole relationship game is such a conundrum to me - part of me feels as a moral being in a body of a man i need to have a partner, the other side knows that every time i am attracted to a women and I get involved it comes with suffering and pain (and growth)

I am trying to discern if this love for peace is a genuine desire to focus on the path of meditation and self-realization in a solo way - or if it is me hiding from greater growth and my ego wants to stay in the comfort zone.

I will be taking this to my prayer/meditation for clarity.

In my last retreat, one thing i did come to know is that If I ever have sex has to be in a relationship and if i have a relationship has to be with a woman who matches my spiritual awareness and devotion to meditation and living to dissolve the ego.

As i investigate this experience under the microscope of mindfulness and high concentration i see that seeing beautiful women - having the right features, hairs, colors, and smile - it triggers a physiological response in my body.

I instantly feel a rush of energy and sensations all over my body and my mind instantly goes into trying to come up with plans and ways in which to have it - it is really funny how the animal brain is so conditioned to replicate and survive - it is pretty cute seeing it like this.

I also noticed I am actually afraid of being attracted to someone because I feel helpless that I will start acting in ways that betray my self.

I feel like i become like an addict - specially at the start of the relationship - wanting the other persons attention and so on, and i also know this is only a short phase and within few weeks, months or years- this changes to a feeling of bordom and wanting the same feeling back through another person (or through porn)

 

I slipped last night. I thought about not doing it, but decided anyway to do it.

I had competed intense workout. The idea of it and feeling good got me excited.

Yesterday was stressful day. My family’s 17 year old cat had a stroke/seizure and lost mobility Saturday. I visited him and petted him for a while. He died 12 hours later.

I had a fight with my wife that left me demoralized as usual.

Back on it today.

 

The one thing I love about NoFap is that we've all been there before and yet no one judges or criticises. So know that we've all been there so many times. There are so many things that just get to us and disrupt us, knocking us off course.

Hope you get the stuff sorted with your wife, I know from experience that if things go wrong in that relationship then PM becomes a place of solace and then that for me became another downward spiral. I hope you fare better than I used to.
Good luck on your onward journey.

 

D123. I have spent days of much, much, much temptation. This weekend I went to the beach with my family, and had a great time. The temptation did not go away (and at times it intensified, since I was on the beach), but I avoided having to stay locked in my house, and I managed to get very distracted by the family, which did me good. Today I am much better. I will go to the movies, I will exercise in the gym, I will move forward with "Humiliated and offended" by Dostoevsky. This week, in addition, I will cook vegan food with my mother. Today I don't feel as empty as days ago.

 

Thank you, I would like to do it. It happens that I read a lot, but when I sit down to write after a while I get bored. It weighs on me, as if I were doing something that is basically tedious, although I would love to be more motivated, and I think I write well. Maybe I'll try again later.

 

Day 0 here, very new here. Need some sort of accountability, would like to join the group or get on waitinglist...

 

Hai ...
I'm still in...
Today 39 day....

 

I'm new to this group. I'm doing a 90day PM reboot. I'm in a relationship that has been strained to the breaking point because I refused to accept that I have a problem. Once I owned my addiction and started my reboot I knew that there was a Chang in me.

My PIED has gone substantially away and I feel better about myself. Of course with everyone now having screens connected to the internet in their pockets the temptations are always there.

But I am taking this one day at a time and reading anything I can get my hands on about porn addiction. If anyone has any suggestions I would very much welcome them

 

Congrats on the 39 days, a couple of days and you'll be at 6 weeks and that's going to feel like an amazing milestone, compared to where you were 6 weeks ago. Keep going.

 

One of the biggest issues for any of us is admitting we have a problem. I remember doing one of those online tests and it told me that I unquestionably had an issue. But once we recognise the problems and admit admit them to ourselves then we can take real steps for quitting for good. I wish you every success for your continuing journey.

 

D124. I was at home all day, visiting other forums and watching some encouraging videos. After 4 months clean (hurt more than once, but clean), I can begin to face other spiritual matters, hidden behind the PM. Thank God, this healing process seems to be increasingly complete and comprehensive. Who would have thought that Nofap, for instance, would also help me eliminate, in addition, excess coffee at work? And that seems to me very small compared to everything that is to come. Now the matter is getting interesting. Now the battle will be bloodier and deeper than before.

 

i noticed the page crashes a few times any one else had this?

I typed a long post twice and it gave me an error and everything was lost