Is she getting her sexual needs met elsewhere? (could be triggering . . . )

Ok, I know the answer is probably NO but I'm struggling to get the thought out of my head . . . and also worried that the answer might be NOT YET.

I should also disclose that I struggle with fantasies of this variety:

Spoiler: Trigger Warning

Cuckold

And, I have had girlfriends cheat on me in the past, so this might be where my neurosis (and the fantasies) comes from.

Some pertinent details:

• We've been together for less than six months
• She has a naturally high sex drive and is in her late thirties
• She's withheld information about a few things that challenge my trust
• She had a couple of short relationships in the year or so before we met
• We're only having sex about once a week

I believe that we both think that we are a great match. We are bonding on an emotional and physical (i.e. cuddling) level. I seriously doubt that she might be getting romantically involved with someone else right now (that takes too much time and energy), but a strictly sexual liaison, especially with an ex-bf, could be kept pretty discrete.

She did express concern about my being a recovering sex addict and warned me early on when she said quite bluntly, "I like to f*ck."

Maybe she is just trying to support me in my recovery or has other reasons, but I've been getting really nervous lately when she won't let me go down on her or when she is unresponsive(?) to my attempts to initiate sexual intimacy with her.

I have mentioned that I do have fantasies of this variety and sometimes these thoughts can lead (and have led) to relapses. But deep down I know that this would only hurt our precious relationship and neither of us wants that.

I also worry that simply worrying about this might make it more likely to happen!

I would really appreciate hearing from men and women about this. I could use any helpful guidance or guiding questions. (I am thinking about starting to see a CSAT / therapist and part of my reason for posting on here is that it's so hard to talk about these things with people in my day to day life)

 

Thank you so much for the supportive reply! I really appreciate it.

Hmm. Good questions . . .
Years ago I woke up in the middle of the night convinced that my gf was, at that moment, having sex with someone else. I had no proof. It was just a gut feeling. Six months later I walked in on her in bed with another man.
And, I can recall two other occasions (two other girlfriends) when I just knew that they were having sex with someone else and I later found out that I was right. But, both of these occasions were shortly after they had broken up with me.
For the most part, I had insecurities in past relationships, but never much concrete evidence or serious concerns. Hindsight is 20/20 and looking back I wonder - shouldn't I have seen that as a red flag?

One girlfriend suggested we consider having an open relationship (red flag?). She would tell me how all the women at work wanted to have sex with this one really good looking guy there (red flag?). Some guy asked her to go jogging with him and she asked me if I thought he was hitting on her (red flag?).

She started accusing me of having an affair with a woman at work that I hated (red flag?). This was preposterous to me because I really did not like this co-worker and had zero attraction to her. Well, it turned out that my girlfriend was getting into an affair with the guy at work that she hated!
Years later I heard some guys saying to each other "if she's accusing you of cheating, it's probably because she's the one who's cheating!" If I only I had thought of that then, maybe I would have seen it coming, but I really thought that she just hated that guy at work and focused on quelling her fears that I was the one cheating.

Yes. As for withholding information: when we first started dating, we both were tested for STIs. I showed her documentation that I was clear from all STIs, and she reciprocated by telling me that she was clear and showing me the results of two tests. Months later I found out that she gets cold sores (herpes virus, HSV1). I hate to make anyone feel uneasy by bringing this up and I know that some people don't even consider it an STI because "everyone has it". Yet I was tested for it and my tests were negative.
Maybe that was an oversight on her part, or she really just thinks of them as cold sores . . . but it plants a seed of doubt in my mind that maybe there are other things, worse things, that she might not be disclosing.

I disclosed my porn and masturbation addiction and even my dark fantasies early in the relationship, before we became official. Maybe I am deceiving myself, but I think I disclosed everything that might be questionable and thought that she had, too. But little by little, she's revealed more. Mostly health related things. It leaves me wondering about what has not yet been disclosed.

And, as for the second part - that is pretty complex! I was trying to refrain from orgasm and wanted to only practice karezza (non-orgasmic love making) when we first started dating. As an addict, even having orgasms from sex can make it challenging for my mind and body to refrain from wanting another orgasm. In practice, giving her orgasms and not having any myself was making her uncomfortable.
I have resolved that I can (but don't have to) have orgasms during intercourse, and to focus on other methods (exercise, meditation, etc.) for avoiding urges to masturbate, look at porn, or go into fantasy. We have communicated a lot about this and I will think that we are in good shape, but I think that she still worries about sending me on a bender.
It could be that holiday stress is why we haven't been having sex lately. She has put on a little winter weight, so maybe she's a bit self-conscious and that's why she doesn't want to be intimate. Those are just a few possibilities, but I still get nervous when the sex isn't just flowing naturally and happening more frequently.

To be honest, her refusing to let me give her oral (about three weeks now) makes me more nervous. Yes, there could be reasons to be more bashful about that, or maybe she's just not in the mood, but part of me wonders if there's something that she's afraid I'll find down there. (And I did have an experience with a gf eventually confessing that she didn't want me to give her oral because she had been with another man).

Hopefully I can find the courage to do this! It's always so hard and we just had a scary conversation about sex, but maybe it's already time for another one. If I do talk with her, it will probably be about why we are not having sex more often rather than about my fears that she might be cheating. I am really pretty sure that she is not . . . but that little bit of doubt, maybe 5% or so, can really be unnerving. And since I already struggle with fantasies of this nature, it's really hard to find a way to talk about those fears.

Thank you for reading and for helping me with this!!

 

Hmm, yes, I guess that might make more sense than coming up with all of my conspiracy theories and it's worth recognising that the answer today (the truth) might be different than it was three weeks ago or even the night before. Last night she said that she really didn't understand why I would want to do that and I think she was feeling bashful about her pubic hair. I've told her this many times, but again reassured her that I love it and am happy to do it anytime she wants.

Good news: we did have sex last night (middle of the night / this morning)
and she let me go down on her!

First time that she's let me give her oral in three weeks. I am feeling very reassured now. Hopefully I won't just slip into insecurity and unhealthy fantasies again.

 

I am feeling more secure in our relationship (i.e. feeling like she adores and values me) but my mind still replays certain details and wants to continuously analyse our most recent interaction.

She did ask me twenty questions about what kind of hanky panky happens at my workplace and then revealed that she can be "very jealous" and was kind of covertly trying to get some information on what the culture was like and perhaps some clues as to where I might be (or who to look out for) in the workplace flirtation game. Things like this catch my attention. I did have one previous gf who told me that she slept with her ex because she was worried that I might cheat and wanted to sort of preemptively even the score.

My gf also told me more about certain back-stabbings and sexual misbehaviour happening within the local 12 step community. (Of course I found this very intriguing, but) I wonder how much this was brought up in an attempt to gauge my response . . .

Also, when we were making love, she asked me to use a position which makes me worry about my sexual adequacy because

Spoiler: Trigger Warning / TMI

it was "doggy-style", a position that is hard for me to execute very well due to the length of my penis (4 1/2") and it didn't end very well . . . not bad, but just kind of awkward.
I try not to worry about that too much and trust that we will find what works for us, but it brings up thoughts of what her previous lovers could do and triggers fears that it could become an issue over time. Note: I have had previous girlfriends tell me that it was too small (after breaking up with me) and one who would not have penetrative sex with me.

This is such good advice and I think it is part of the solution. Communication needs to happen throughout our time together. I think the biggest factor however is myself, my previous relationship experiences/failures and I think I have a lot of work to do on that front before seeking an exit from my current relationship. I'm nervous about time and financial resources, but I am considering seeking some assistance from a therapist who specialises in this type of recovery.

 

Starting to think that it's inevitable.

I tend to be attracted to women with high sex drives, and I seem to be more of a beta male in my relationships. Former partners have cheated on me as well. I don't know if it's something about me, or what I'm doing, or if my fear manifests it.

Sex is so confusing.
Maybe I'm missing her signals, but I don't feel like she's initiating. And, for my part, I tend not to initiate if I have any doubt. It's been 9 days now since we last had sex (seems too low with our relationship being only a few months old and her being in her sexual prime).

I don't think she's having sex with anyone else, but I'd hardly blame her if she did. I dream of giving her pleasure (esp. oral) but hardly ever initiate it. I was single for ages, and practiced semen retention for most of 300 days, so I know that I'll be okay without much sex, but I find it hard to imagine her not wanting more.

Also, this weekend she told me yet another story of someone I'm acquainted with who's gf was cheating on him. And, she kept talking about this one guy who she really hates. He's kind of a prick. Arrogant. I didn't think too much of it . . . until she brought him up yet again the next day! (Hmm . . . why is she thinking about him so much?) It triggers memories of my previous gf and the co-worker that she "hated" so much (so much that she had sex with him and couldn't get enough of him)!

 

Somethings up . . .
Mostly it's an intuitive feeling. I'm committed to going to an AA meeting on Thursdays and she goes to the gym on that night. (sometimes I fear that my commitment is giving her a window to regularly "connect" with someone else).
This week I've been sick. Decided to skip my meeting, and when she said she was going to the gym, it shouldn't have affected me but something just felt wrong. I haven't seen her for almost a week (because I've been sick, though I did see her when she was sick before me). She did message me from the gym . . . but not after. I did send her a good night text. Maybe it was a tad late . . . but when I didn't hear back from her my mind really started to wander

Just two words from her this morning, later than usual (maybe she thought I might want to sleep in). It just doesn't feel right. I do think that she really loves me, but I worry that we do not have sex enough and I haven't been able to give her an orgasm in almost a week now.

 

Good advice. It's easy to let my imagination and my emotions spiral out of control.

I have changed the title from "Is she cheating on me" because I need to be mindful and not making this all about me

It has happened to me in the past, several times (as we learn in recovery - maybe there's a pattern that I need to look at. And . . . what's my part in this?) but I need to be careful that my past does not affect the beautiful relationship that I have now.

I love her. And if she is sleeping with someone else, that would not be a deal breaker. Much more important is trust and communication. If she tells me, then we can work it out. It's secrets that eat at the very fabric of relationships.

 

That is helpful. Thanks! I need to work on that.