Help me please

I could use some advice on my situation because it’s seriously destroying me right now.

I began pmo at 8, and escalated. Started with naked pics of girls, to lesbian, and then after I don’t know what happened. I just remember using pmo as a source for dopamine, basically I was addicted, and I remember watching extreme things like incest, rape, and even gay.

Watching genres, especially a gay one, evoked huge rushes of adrenaline/dopamine, and it literally felt like a drug, because after, I would feel repulsed and confused.

The extreme stuff didn’t occur till age 12, and around age 14, I remember thinking one day that straight guys don’t watch gay porn, then bam HOCD began. I began NoFap and I never went on a full reboot but I went on consistent streaks with no binges, and this really helped, it didn’t take long for any extreme genre, especially gay, to become repulsive and shocking. By the time I was 16, anything gay related brought no arousal and I found it repulsive. Girls however, were attractive to me like never before, it was like I was destroying myself from being healthy sexually with porn for years, and I was popping boners from seeing the girls at school. HOCD soon got weaker and I beat it due to the obviousness that I was not gay.

That was 3 years ago, and my HOCD has returned and it is even stronger. My HOCD sparked because one day some dude was talking about how he found out his friend watched gay porn, and how he is secretly gay. Well this caused a huge spike of anxiety remembering my past, and now I’ve been dealing with full blown HOCD for 6 months.

Let me give you a standpoint of how I feel sexually:

Men

I feel absolutely no attraction to men at all. I have compulsively checked gay porn over 100 times in the last 6 months, I have not once felt the slightest arousal, and I find myself looking away all the time because I find it repulsive. I also feel absolutely no arousal to pictures of naked men. I can’t fathom the idea of having sex with any men I know in real life, my brain quickly rejects it, and I try to force myself to imagine gay stuff but I get no arousal and it’s clear I don’t enjoy it. I have never had feelings for a man, and I have also never been aroused by a man in real life, even though I have seen many naked men in my life. Also never had any gay fantasies. I also try to fap thinking of men but I can’t, I just keep stopping thinking like wtf.

Women

Ive felt attracted to women since day one. I get hard every time I look at women in porn. I get hard from seeing naked pictures of women. I get hard imagining doing stuff with girls I know in real life. I’ve had countless straight fantasies. I’ve gotten hard with countless girls in real life. I have had around 15 different girls that I have had romantic feelings/crushes on my entire life, dating back to the first one being in first grade, to the most recent being a month ago. Fapping thinking of women is easy and natural. There are So many women I wish I could have sex with it’s unreal.


I know I would never do anything sexual with a man, I just can’t, and I know with no doubt I’m gonna have sex with girls and be with a girl in the future, it is undoubtedly what I want.

I don’t want this post to get to long, but I’m seriously struggling. I just want to be free of my pain... the past brings so much shame, guilt and anxiety. I’m working on no PMO, but the hardest battles have been won, I’ve removed most of my novelty/porn induced fetishes, and I removed them years ago. It’s been years since any of these things last aroused me.... years.

I’d like to mention after the times I watched any extreme porn, When I say extreme, I mean the porn that evoked huge dopamine rushes, I would feel repulsed immediately after climax, and also this didn’t cause me any same sex attraction in real life or anything like that.

please, I’m only 18 and I just want to be free. I just recovered from getting rejected from this super hot girl I developed feelings for a month ago, and this HOCD won’t leave me alone.

Last thing, it’s clearly obvious that I am not possibly gay, the worst scenario is that I am bisexual, but this still evokes strong anxiety. I have tried accepting bring gay or bi but it doesn’t work it help, I try to go out and pretend that I like men... it just doesn’t work.

I mean no disrespect to anybody who is gay or bi, I am not homophobic at all, I just fear I’m in denial and this ocd is eating me apart.