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It’s gotten so old

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by sotiredofthis, Jan 16, 2020.

  1. sotiredofthis

    sotiredofthis Fapstronaut

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    For 6 years, I told him it’s not the porn, it’s the lies. If he slips and watches it, if he lies about it, I feel like he wants to be with them and is using me. If he tells me the truth on his own “I messed up today, I’m sorry”, it makes me feel like maybe it is an addiction and it’s not that I’m not good enough.
    This last 3 month stint, I said I want him to tell me every night whether or not he did porn. I needed that badly to heal. Every night without fail, he brought it up and told me he didn’t do porn. He doesn’t know I have his passwords along with an internet router app so I can see what websites are being used on our Wi-Fi. I’ve done these ridiculous things because I no longer trust him. I’ve secretly verified for 3 months he’s telling me the truth every night. Until 2 days ago. He looked right at me as usual and said he did not do porn today. I looked at the router app in the middle of the night and saw Facebook used a ton. I went to his phone and saw all of the videos he had watched, woke him up, lost my crap on him and yesterday met a man for drinks. I’ve never done that before. I was just done being lied to.
    I told him it’s been all about him for 7 years. I chase him, he hides his women and lies and now it was time for him to wonder about me, to get out of his own head and chase me because I don’t need the internet, I’m going to do it real time.
    I saw he was surfing info in the middle of the night for tracker devices. Kind of funny I’ve rattled him. Let him feel like I do.
    I have tried to leave him after every lie, and he begs me to stay, never loved anyone like me, I’m the best thing, he’s ashamed which is why he lies, etc etc.
    I told him last night he’s turned me into a weirdo jealous woman that is the complete opposite of who I am. He’s damaged all the years I spent working successfully through my childhood. I told him he’s turned me into a caged animal. He won’t let me break free of him but tortures me mentally and emotionally while he’s got me caged. He’s sent me off the destructive deep end more than once and he begs so much, I stay.
    I’ve been sleeping on the couch for 2 nights because I can’t stand being near him but his begging is keeping me for the time being. I feel like being destructive like I used to be before all those years of building myself into who I was before meeting him.
    I’m just broken and needed to vent. I’m glad to have found this place and it’s nice to know I’m not alone and crazy like I feel right now.
     
    anewhope, fadedfidelity and Lilla_My like this.
  2. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    Welcome to the forum! I am glad you are here to vent! I am so sorry you are going through this torment, my dear. You deserve better! Can I ask about the quote above? Is one of your boundries no Facebook for him? Am I to assume he watched porn videos?
     
    sotiredofthis likes this.
  3. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    Yep, I understand this too. I reached that breaking point and it lead me into a deep depression where I "cheated". I used other men, alcohol, and weed as coping mechanisms when my husband was deep in PA and refused to change. (I couldn't leave due to finances and young children, so we had an open marriage and lived as roommates.) That was a terrible time in our marriage and in my life overall and I never want to go there again! The coping mechanisms made things worse for me after a time and I felt guilt and shame...to a point. I would not have gotten that low had my husband treated me with love and respect and shown empathy or remorse for his behavior. I was lonely, sad, angry, felt unheard and unappreciated and disrespected, and most of all empty. Porn addiction is no joke and it can crush a SO's soul--especially when it has been going on for years. Had I been in a different point of life phase (older kids, better finances) I know I would have divorced and left him then.
    Stay strong and take care of YOU!
     
  4. sotiredofthis

    sotiredofthis Fapstronaut

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    He can find porn anywhere. He f’s women with his imagination in person, he finds it on Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, just everywhere. I have set no boundaries for the last couple years because the first 5 years of boundaries didn’t work. For the last 2 years, I’ve simply asked him to not lie.
    Everything I’ve caught him on has become disgusting to me. Pinterest used to be fun with my girls and I, now I find it repulsive. The last to go is Facebook for me 2 days ago. I loved Facebook and keeping up with friends and family. 2 days ago I started finding it repulsive and deleted my ap. The gym, the store, the mall, vacations, I find them all repulsive now. He’s ruined everything for me.
     
    dailystruggle likes this.
  5. sotiredofthis

    sotiredofthis Fapstronaut

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    LOL don’t say that. I’m fiercely independent. I run my business, finances are great, my ladies are grown, and I meet this man who I cannot let go. He holds me emotionally and that has never ever happened to me. If I was on the outside looking in, I would say oh hell no I’d not put up with this crap.
    It’s weird.....either financially, physically or mentally, a person can be held in a cage and can’t escape.
     
    Lilla_My and fadedfidelity like this.
  6. Luvspin68

    Luvspin68 Fapstronaut

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    So sorry for all the pain and heartache.
    You mentioned you have a “router app”. That shows all sites viewed from Wi Fi
    What is the name of that app?

    thank you!
     
  7. sotiredofthis

    sotiredofthis Fapstronaut

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    go to “opendns com”. Make a free account. It will email you instructions on how to log into your router and put in a couple codes. Then within a day you can log into your opendns account and boom - every website logged into using your Wi-Fi will show up on the list by day. The account is free too. Best thing I’ve ever done.
     
  8. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    The only and biggest drawback to a router logger is they can just turn off wifi and use LTE.
     
    Psalm27:1my light likes this.
  9. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    I think you have your answer then, right? What's holding you back from leaving?
     
  10. sotiredofthis

    sotiredofthis Fapstronaut

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    yes. Which is why you never ever tell them it exists. My husband thinks I’m a mind reading guru. I know it’s not fool proof, it’s just another tool in my toolbox to distinguish truth from lies.
     
  11. sotiredofthis

    sotiredofthis Fapstronaut

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    emotions. I thought in my head of finding the perfect relationship. The thinking Omg I’m 52 and I’ve now got to go back into the dating scene. the omg what if I end up with another porn addict. The thought of yes he hasn’t stopped lying but as far as the porn, he’s so far along in his rehab, do I want another woman instead of me to get the benefit of my labor.
    he and I are so “perfect” other than this. We have same interests, hobbies, we can spend every day together and not get tired of it.
    Then the porn shows up between us.
     
    Lilla_My and fadedfidelity like this.
  12. red gyarados

    red gyarados Fapstronaut

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    my stepmom actually told me she could get visions like that when I was a kid and playing video games when I wasn’t supposed to. Believed it to a certain extent too.
     
  13. CodeTalker

    CodeTalker Fapstronaut

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    Also vpn/proxy
     
    fadedfidelity likes this.
  14. The site names may be weird with a vpn/proxy and the data usage amount would be through the roof with LTE. A couple gigs last night? That's obviously videos due to size, and if there are no history of videos he can show you then you know very well what he was doing. You can probably block a VPN or proxy from the router level too I believe, I'm not sure how but I know schools do this on their computers (which I guess is not router level, but still router level block may be possible).

    In case anyone was wondering about the tech side.
     
  15. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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    How are things going?
     

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