Should I just take the filter off?

I’m not sure how old your hubby is, but it took 4 months before pied was mostly gone with my hubby. I think that this shouldn’t be the only measuring stick on their recovery though. For instance, my husband has numerous physical changes. He interacts with me and the kids differently. He takes more initiative and doesn’t get angry or defensive at all anymore. He attends 3 group meetings but then he talks to me about it! He’s so much more open about everything. I’m literally seeing a completely different man, one I’ve never seen before.

 

I find the accountability filters give me a little bit of peace of mind - especially the one I have on his phone. I've tested it to check it blocks most things that could be triggers. However, I do worry, that because the usual triggers unavailable, he'll go looking for others.

 

I find the fact that he has ED after 9 months sober very, very suspicious. This is definitely way outside tge norm UNLESS he is very young and had a very severe addiction.

 

I have everything locked down on my home and on his mobile and only I know the passwords to. On his mobile is a network adult content lock. My partner is at 4 half months and also still has pied. I don't think he's relapsed but there are things that are changing for the better slowly I might add but progress. I'm still extremely hurt that my touch doesn't seem to have much effect on him and if it does it's very slow to rise.

 

I quit using the filters several years ago after I discovered he was getting around them. I managed to get his passwords instead because I’d rather know what he’s doing when he thinks I don’t know. Then I can catch the lies. The filters to me created a false sense of security.

 

How do they manage to get around the filters? I’m about 3.5 weeks into this journey and have installed filters on PA phone and PC. The thought that the filters aren’t going to help is giving me a panic attack.

 

That warms my heart so much to read! I could not be more happy for you. I wish we could have loads of these stories on here everyday. If only men knew what abstaining does for their own psyche, for their marriages and for their families. It's like night and day; literally everything gets better.

 

Well....he bought a tablet one time. I caught that. He used his work phone another time. He used to have an iPhone and those filters don’t work with the iPhones very well. All you have to do is use an ap instead of the safari.

go to opendns com. Sign up. They will send you instructions on how to add a code to your internet router. Within a day, when you log into opendns, every single website that is used on your Wi-Fi by anyone and anything will show up on your opendns log. It’s a great way to know if he’s lying.
I’ve had an account for 4 years now and I know exactly what he’s doing. He hasn’t a clue I have an opendns account. Oh and it’s free.

 

So tonight I get home, he informs me he’s added an accountability ap again and made his brother his accountability partner. I told him to delete it. I told him if he can find a no lying ap, he should install that and It’s not the porn or the internet, it’s when he opens his mouth and the lies come out. Then I reminded him of the last time he added an accountability ap and used his work phone, bypassed the screen on his phone, bought a tablet, etc and rolled my eyes at him.
He deleted it lol.

 

You are so right, it has changed everything in our marriage. I struggle a bit with resentment though. I forgave him a long long time ago. I knew, he wasn’t going to change, so I focused on myself and my kids. The resentments come in though when I see just how different he is and think about how many years we lost. How ironic that he gets clean and then I get resentful! Lol. I’m working through it. I think I’m more scared now though because the changes are so immense that all I can think is “ I’ll never go back to what it was before”. Should he completely relapse, lies and all, there will be no more chances. Men have no idea the monumental destruction their addiction and lies heap on the so. Any addiction creates havoc, but this one adds an extra layer of hurt and devastation. Especially given how little help and understanding there is about sex addiction.

 

do you think you got resentful after he was done with the porn because you could finally breathe and relax and focus on yourself and your feelings and what you’ve been through instead of on him?

Or now you’re finally safe to have whatever feelings you want?

 

I don’t think so, only because I detached 17 years ago and did relax and focus on myself. I put my energy into God, my kids and me. My husband was so clueless( I took my wedding rings off, never again said I love you, not one Christmas present). He would say I love you and my response “ that’s good”, or “ok”. He would tell me how much he liked me and being with me and I would say “ I don’t like you”. He would walk into a room and I would leave. That one is still a bit of habit with me. My resentment comes from seeing how much easier, life could’ve been, how much MORE joy I could’ve had, how extraordinarily selfish he has been for 27 years and I think “ now you want to show up?” The hard work is over. I raised our kids, I invested our money, I made all the decision and I lost out on all the sexual adventures I should’ve had when I was young. Lol! I daily fight the resentment, if you can’t tell. I had my reasons for staying and they are almost out of the house. He’s going to have to work damn hard to give me a reason to stay now. I love him, but not enough to stay with someone who loves his addiction more than me.