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Frustration because wife is never in the mood

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by requiem4thyme, Jan 3, 2020.

  1. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    I always wonder, we’re you sexually active before marriage and then it changed? if that’s the case what changed? I mean besides stress, getting older etc. I was always the one initiating and getting turned down. So believe me, I feel for you guys that go through this. Also, on average betrayal trauma can take up to 5 years to heal. I can tell you through my own experience that the first discovery/betrayal took me 3 years of weekly couples counseling and my husband doing what the counsel said for me to heal. I don’t believe there is really hope for me to ever really heal completely now. However, that doesn’t mean I can’t get better. She may just need a lot more time. Come back at 60 months clean which is only about one third the time you acted out, and see if you notice a difference.
     
    JamesTheSquirrel likes this.
  2. sotiredofthis

    sotiredofthis Fapstronaut

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    because he’s placing blame on his wife for not being in the mood. He should know that a lot of us get so turned off at a point that we don’t get in the mood.
    I’m not telling him he should hurt more, my post was very factual as to how many wives feel about being intimate with a man after they’ve been made to feel ugly, fat, not good enough, etc.
     
    Lilla_My and samnf1990 like this.
  3. sotiredofthis

    sotiredofthis Fapstronaut

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    You wanted a response as to why, my answer is truthful and to the point. I can’t sympathize and agree with you just to make you feel good. You wanted a real answer.
    It’s so hurtful to be strong enough to stay supportive when an addict expects his wife to be happy when he celebrates that he didn’t fantasy F another woman that day/week/month. And then he wants a reward of sex.
     
  4. samnf1990

    samnf1990 Fapstronaut

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    Without reading any of the replies, this is my immediate response:

    Women are never in the mood to go straight to the stuff you want to go for, or the content you would search out in P. Sex is a journey, a process, and most women like to accompanied out of the front door, down the driveway and to hold your hand on the way. They don't want to be thrust straight on the freeway, it is ovewhelming and unappealing.

    Porn does not do patience and intimacy any favours. But you need to exercise patience and slowly build intimacy into a moment. Be romantic, make her feel comfortable, loved, beautiful. If your partner is in the middle of something, then asking her for sex is annoying, distracting and rude. Most of all it is lazy, and that comes from the PMO where everything is easy, and everything is empty.

    You and your partner deserve closeness, intimacy, loving exchanges of tenderness and passion. This is built, it is grown, it is cultivated and nurtured. It does not appear spontaneously every time you find yourself aroused.

    Your partner likely does want sex as much and as often as you do. But for her the seduction is part of the sex. Perhaps the most important part. The pleasure is nice, sure, but it is not everything. With a human relationship you cannot bypass the effort and the intimacy to go straight to the pleasure. This is a good thing.
     
    sotiredofthis and Lilla_My like this.
  5. samnf1990

    samnf1990 Fapstronaut

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    Reading helped me when I had troubles sleeping. On a day when my wife isn't in the mood, I go without (I decided that, for me, MO is a potential precurser to relapse with P, so I only have partnered sex with my wife). Earlier on, I would find myself horny, frustrated, and found it difficult to unwind. My thought patterns would become resentful of my wife, questioning of my decision to quit PMO and I would become emotional and really struggle to sleep. What I really wanted to do was respect her right to sleep and just do the same, but I found this hard at first. Reading really helped. If I kept having sexual thoughts or was restless when lay next to my wife trying to sleep, I would simply read a book. This occupied my mind, was enjoyable, and distracted the sexual impulses, avoiding the kind of thought patterns that kept me awake and led to conclusions that a sensible, rational mind would not. Reading kept me happy, content and readonable while I got more and more tired, and I could try to sleep when success was more likely. A backlit ebook or an understanding partner happy to wear an eyemask are both helpful here, since you don't want to deny your partner of sleep just because you are horny and used to jerking it to drift off.
     
  6. samnf1990

    samnf1990 Fapstronaut

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    Bad advice
     
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  7. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    Sex is not a "bribe". What I guess you are saying is that you don't want a fake exchange. Most wouldn't.

    From an evolutionary standpoint, a woman can't afford to have sex with someone that isn't dedicated to her. A man that isn't in love with her can walk out on her, and that would mean she and her current and future offspring might die. Every time a woman feels unloved, the alarm in her primal brain goes off and all the gates to her vagina are locked.

    Pick up artists know the code to the lock. Many neglectful man have been cheated on because someone else came along with the key to his wife's vagina, which is dedication and undivided attention.

    Porn addiction, for example, is the epitome of divided attention, and one of the most effective vagina sealers in the world.

    Men doesn't reason with this in mind. It's more of a pragmatic thinking; "I gave her a wedding, I told her I loved her (in 2002), I pay the bills, now I want sex 5 times a week for the rest of my life". He can't understand why he needs to continuously woo her when the deal is already sealed. No other transaction work like that! You wouldn't buy a pack of gum in a store and then have to go back and give the store owner flowers every two weeks, now would you?

    With women, you have to woo. Mutual respect or whatever, isn't nearly enough. That she can have with her co workers or her gynecologist. This fact, that merely being in her vicinity showing her respect after the wedding isn't enough, keeps the Valentine's gift industry alive and flower stores literally blooming, because through little gestures, men can show their dedication and get the sex.

    In every relationship there is a trade off. Our friends wouldn't be our friends if we didn't provide them with great companionship, our boss wouldn't be our boss if we didn't get in the office every day to do the work, our parents wouldn't have taken care of us if we didn't provide them with their biological need for parenting and so on and so on. Is this just a fake transaction or really just the consequences of being a social animal?
     
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2020
  8. Why?
     
  9. sotiredofthis

    sotiredofthis Fapstronaut

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    I absolutely love your posts and analogies. Every time I read one, my brain screams YES absolutely!
     
    Lilla_My and Psalm27:1my light like this.

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