I’ve hit rock bottom and i have some intense suicid thoughts

I guess the first question to ask is why are you disappointed with yourself?

 

Self forgiveness is key. You are learning a new skill, so expect failure. Failure is just another step closer to success.Keep trying but with self compassion. Be your own best buddy. Take stock and think OK what happened then? What can I learn from this failure? And move forward with more knowledge and experience.

 

If you promised to God then you know you can repent and be forgiven.

We all relapse in this journey. We slowly build up our capability to abstain. Before I could only go 4 days at a time, then a week at a time before PMOing. Now I'm almost a month in for my second time. You can do it too.

Follow this advice. We can tell you many different lessons but at the end of the day you're much more likely to follow your own learned lessons, so learn what makes you PMO, when are you likely to get temped or have urges? What can you do about it?

 

First, I'd totally hug you right now if I could.
Second, start playing with the idea that if you THINK about something, that doesn't make it true.
Third, I LOVE YOU. YOU NEED TO TELL YOURSELF YOU LOVE YOU TOO!

That's all man, have a great day!

 

It’s going to be okay...it might not feel that way right now, but something inside you knows that your intentions are good and you’re headed in the right direction, even with relapse. Maybe God doesn’t need you to promise anything. Maybe God is telling you through people on here to take it easy on yourself. Forgive yourself. Yes, be determined, but maybe in a more balanced way. Just one day at a time, one urge at a time. Just get through one urge at a time. You’re not alone. Don’t give up, don’t ever give up. Start again, and be willing to patiently endure the urges. They will suck for the first couple days, but they WILL pass. Good luck, and keep coming back

 

Please don't hurt yourself.

Failures will happen. When we learn things or reach goals, sometimes we will stumble. Heck, when i was quitting porn, I could barely breathe. I relapsed a lot and nearly every day. But it's been years since I've quit pornography and I've realized that we are humans. We make mistakes, but we also learn from our mistakes and become stronger. And I believe you can be stronger.

Some men can refrain from masturbating but some can't. I've quit porn years ago and I still masturbate. So don't be too hard on yourself, my friend. Please don't hurt yourself.

Our relapses aren't always solely our fault. Sometimes there are external factors that we don't have full control over. It's a learning process.

 

Been there, done that...bought the T-shirt, paid way too much for it lol...you’ve paid the price for your mistake...stop adding the excessive guilt tax to it...it ain’t worth it!

 

You need to amend your promise to God in the manner that is more akin to God's true love and merciful nature. Rather than "I will never again," promise instead, "God, I promise you that with your grace I will always pick myself up after my falls and seek the right path again toward you." The sentiment "I will never" is more about us than God anyway - it is navel gazing, or penis gazing, much like the very addiction we're trying to avoid in the first place. The sentiment, "I will always pick up … again toward you" is more God directed, more in tune with God's love and mercy, more about praising God than one's personal pride (self-praise, leading to despair), more about God's always being faithful to us despite our infidelities. All these are probably more important lessons to be learned than even the lesson of being PMO-free. Perhaps our continued falls into PMO is a reminder of our inability to save ourselves, to be totally dependent on God's mercy, to learn the true meaning of humility and patience, and to learn to not only to forgive ourselves but also to love and forgive others. In these ways we are truly being perfected in God all along. Hence, our spiritual path really takes on a secret and invisible growth that we may be unaware of, God as it were secretly purifying us in many ways even while we struggle and fall with addiction still. And, maybe, when all this inner purification is finally established, then the last man standing, the PMO-addict self, will fall in the wind like a cardboard cutout without any substance any longer. Addiction will no longer have a purpose or need in our lives. God bless!


.

.