I’ve Ruined Our Sex Life

I do not understand why you cumming early has anything to do with you not finishing her off and making her cum?! So, you're done and she gets nothing? No wonder she isn't interested in sex with you. Sex is not all about the male orgasm, there are 2 people involved and women deserve satisfaction too. What if the roles were reversed? Would you continue to have sex with a woman that got off easily and never finished you? Selfish lover, right?

 

Openness is the key. Just try doing everything you can. Maybe take a break from the sex entirely until she really feels up for it? I know I often can’t even MO because I just get to thinking about all this and I get too sad.

 

Ah, I see. Poor girl is depressed and feels defeated and her ability to climax is messed up now. PA ruins the SO more than boys realize. I am not sure if she will be able to heal without major help from therapist that specialize in betrayal trauma--with or without staying with you. Please make sure she is getting the support she needs and focuses on herself instead of you and your PA. Sorry to sound harsh, but this is your fight and she has lost herself in it trying to help you. If you love her, you need to understand she should not be your accountability partner, nor should she feel obligated to have sex with you for fear that you will get worse. (Common thought and issue with SO's.) Most PA's cannot double task and do not realize they can help their partner with BT and they can also work on themselves at the same time. It's strange that PA messes up your brain's ability to comprehend stuff like that, but it is a side effect. Learning about BT is a part of the recovery process for PA. I wish you the best in your recovery and I hope things work out for you.

 

If I were you, I would start by doing or saying smalls things that makes her feel desired. It doesn't have to be sexual stuff, just let her know that you are really into her.

And I repeat, you have to do this constantly, so again, small details. Kiss her out of nowhere, say she looks good, thank her for the things he does, etc. Make sure it feels natural both for you and for her, do not force it.

But I'm single so what do I know.

 

Then add to those little details something out of the ordinary. Bring her flowers, make her favorite meal, [ROMANTIC STUFF], etc.

 

This would be exactly the same in my life, if I got to the start of pleasuring her (or trying, unknown if that's possible). In these scenarios, O for the man means sex is finished. Doesn't matter if we'd like our partner to have an O, no interest to try again to go longer because of PE issues, just time to clean up/cuddle.

 

I haven't read if you have described what is going on with your wife, but this would be labeled "survivor mode" by my wife. A women's survivor mode doesn't seem to include sex....I think that men's survivor mode still does.

 

So how does a man who knows he had made mistakes recover from this ? Is it even possible ? As you said, you want to be wanted by him but on the other hand you will also wonder the motive behind his attraction ?

 

Of course - he’s going to have to prove himself.

 

Wish my husband would do the same! I’m hoping he realizes he can.

 

Thank you for your story. I have a similar situation. I have told my wife about my addiction and she was supportive in the beginning but after each relapse she is becoming more and more distant and less supportive. I'm not relapsing often but it has been very difficult to get past the 90 mark. Now I feel like I shouldn't talk about it with her anymore because it is just devastating for her and our relationship.
I know communication is super important but I don't have the courage to to talk to her about it anymore. I don't know if I'm wrong here but I'm really just trying to set personal goals and not take relapses lightly but also just try to forgive myself and move forward by showing my wife extra love and affection without any sexual pressure.

 

Beautiful post. Nice and normal but very loving.
Similar situation here, thanks for sharing.

 

Hi @CLaYFiRC, I'm happy to hear your relationship is going better and I hope your NoFap journey does as well.

Regarding your fiancees depression, it's entirely normal to feel worse on antidepressants before it gets better. If her doctor bumped up her dose, it might be because she needs it and maybe you two should discussed whether a temporary worsening in mood could be tolerated, if she feels much better (than on the lower dose) afterwards.

Sexual side effects are severe on SSRI (which is the type of depressants she in all likelihood is on). So if she can't orgasm, and that's why she doesn't feel for sex (or one of the reasons for it), she should talk to her psychiatrist about changing meds. There are other medications that doesn't have this side effect. She should of course never stop any treatment without discussing it thoroughly with her doctor. Untreated depression is very dangerous for the brain, and today there are a lot of good options for pharmacological treatment.

All the best to you two.