Whether to talk to my wife about it

Hi @juniormelville!

Sorry to hear you and your wife are going through this.

My husband and I had the type of relationship you described for the first few months we were together. But then I had to leave for a couple months, the porn habit snuck back in... and now we’re at this devastating point where our relationship is in shambles because it’s affected the way he sees me, and the way he sees other women. And the porn addiction itself isn’t really the problem; it’s a symptom of much bigger issues he’s dealing with (trauma from his childhood, etc.).

So my advice to you is to first examine, really examine, why this has become a problem for you. There’s always a reason for it. And, while I love the way you talk about your wife and I really hope that this hasn’t affected your relationship, really examine that, too. This addiction affected our relationship in so many ways, but it never occurred to my husband that this addiction could be the reason. He was shocked when he realized it, and the extent of it continues to shock him.

I’m all for complete honesty in a relationship, especially when it comes to things like this. I also think your wife will probably be able to be your biggest ally in helping you work through this. When mh husband first realized he had a problem, he just thought he’d quit porn and that’d be that and all the issues would go away. If you are addicted, I promise you it’s a much bigger issue than you realize right now.

But in the end, only you can really decide what’s best for you and your relationship and your wife. But please think of her, and if you think she’d want to know, just tell her. Don’t think you’re somehow protecting her by keeping her in the dark about this; what you’re actually doing is not letting her fully understand the situation she’s in with you, which affects the choices she’s making to be with you. I never would’ve gotten into a relationship with my husband in the first place if I had known about all this, which is why he hid it from me. We’re trying to make it work now, and I love him, but I do feel like our relationship is built on lies. It’s a nasty feeling.

 

Feel free to message me if you want to talk things through.

 

I understand your concerns and have experience with telling.

If you decide to not tell her then you must be sure that you can quit p on your own. And keep it a secret forever. Because a skeleton in the closet like this can be even worse years later. Know yourself, can you keep a secret? And can you quit p on your own?

If you do tell her then you should be prepared to not only help yourself, but her too. She will probably be very hurt and very angry. It is a serious danger to your relationship. But if you do survive the truth, your relationship will be stronger. It will also be very motivational to never look at p again. It's p or divorce.

One tip on telling: only tell her about your problem if you have a solution too, like having joined a support group or being in therapy. You can't just throw shit over the fence and expect sympathy. Also, do some reading on nofap on partner support and never, ever downplay her emotions.

 

What a beautiful thing to write. She is truly blessed to have a man like you.

If you really manage to stop and deal with your problems, I don't know if telling her would make any difference (if she doesn't ask).

However, if you don't manage to quit, there is a substantial risk she will find out on her own eventually. That will cause life long consequences in your relationship and truly put a huge dent in her happiness and quality of life, because in that case, she will write her own narrative about what you are like, and even worse, what she is like (unattractive, unworthy, pathetic, too fat, too old and too stupid to find out that you were lying) and it will be a troubled, pessimistic tale. It's a damage that's very, very hard to undo.

The same goes for her asking and you not being completely truthful. If the subject of porn comes up, just don't do like my husband for example, who said "oh I never do that, I hate porn, it's disgusting and I am not like all other perverted guys" (meanwhile he watched porn every day in the bathroom for YEARS behind my back). Then it's better to say "I used to do that, but then I decided that's not at all the life I want to live so I quit".

 

I lived with so much guilt the first 6 years of my marriage, so I told my wife and it hurt her a lot. She didn't want to talk about it afterwards. So I respected her wishes. I failed to quit that first time, I don't think nofap was around back then. 5 years later I found nofap and tried to quit again. Brought it up with my wife, she was a little more open about the topic since this was the second time I had broached the subject, but she was still hurt. That time, she still didn't want to talk about it very much. I failed quitting the second time too, although I did learn a lot about myself in the process. Now I am trying again, I am in a better place emotionally and I am hoping this will result in a different outcome.

Because of this journey, I now know that telling my wife was mostly for my benefit. Your wife will benefit from you being a psychologically healthy partner. Telling her the truth might facilitate your healing, but you also risk creating more pain. It is not an easy choice. Good luck, whatever decision you make will be right for you.

 

That's terrible but i recognise it too. I still have to open the conversation every x weeks, just to let all those negative emotions flow.

 

Good questions. I think we will always be vulnerable to p. I avoid it like hell. Click away as soon as I see anything triggering. Never let my guard down. After nearly 2 years I still have issues to talk about. But with every talk I’m more free from p.
If I have to give it a timeline I would say 10 years to a full recovery.

 

I know this feeling all too well. My husband spiralled during all of my pregnancies. It carried on. Last year he admitted his addiction when I found out and confronted him. The year before neither of us realised it could be an issue. We've had 2 babies in 2 years and I know what he was up to but hoped it would stop after the last birth but it never. He has been 8 weeks porn free now and the last 2 weeks all I have done is treat him with contempt and accuse him of lying to me about various things, not even about watching porn. It just feels like it has all been a lie and every time he talks u think hes lying to me.
Hubby had a bad week last week but he didn't want to tell me because he didnt want to upset me further than I was already. I was upset because he has been out of work since November due to anxiety, which I think was caused by the porn and his fear of me finding out after out 3rd child was born in October (little did he know I already knew and was monitoring his internet history).
Being skint with 5 kids to provide for because of porn is not what I envisioned when we got married. He even looked at it on our wedding anniversary and it escalated to searching for sex online that same day. Our wedding anniversary is now tarred and I will think about this every year.
I would suggest telling his wife when they meet next and going over it all from the start.
You dont need to go into detail unless she asks, then you need to be totally honest and not tell half the truth.
You are filling the void of tour wife with porn for relief I guess, but if it's more than that you need to be honest with yourself.
Women pick up on the slightest change. I knew every time when he looked after he did it, I found myself becoming obsessed with it. The lies just flowed out like verbal diahrrea and I knew the truth all along.

TIP; If a woman asks you a question about something serious she probably already knows the answer and wants to see if you will lie or not.
I don't know how he would feel if he was in my position, he was already made to feel inadequate by the size of some of the men in the videos, looking for big dick pills etc! Little did I know this was the reason behind it all. He started using me as his personal sex toy and until recent he still was. I told him how I felt about it and he backed off a bit. He even started to get occasional PE & ED during sex for the first time during our 8 years together.
I never made any bad comments just reassured him it was normal and brushed it off so not to cause further issues for him.
Its so hard bribg married to this man, because if I had known I would have never married him, but as we are married we have to try and fix this together for good. I love him and i know he loves me so that will keep us strong together, but my god we have suffered our biggest strain yet, even bigger than all the really important big stuff we have been through. I actually feel like bursting sometimes the pain is very real and I will always think if this time, even if and when it has long time passed. The mental scars are the worst. I would rather help him through a drug addiction to be honest!

 

It sounds like old house old rules to me. I'm sure you really want to kick this habit/compulsion before she gets there, I suggest fighting it daily, my husband deleted all his history, he actually stayed away from his phone and laptop for 2 weeks to start with which was not ideal because if I needed and called him his phone rang out. It's all depending how much will power you have. I always says honesty is the best policy and truths hurt but people prefer that over lies/hiding secrets, especially wives.
I think I would have been much more understanding if my husband come clean rather than me investigating why he was acting weird and finding out. Men are really quite bad at hiding stuff. Shockingly in fact. You never know it could open a few doors in your sex life too, which it has done for us 2.
We both freely discuss what we like, want etc and we have been out for some great outdoors fun and looked into a few other things we would enjoy together. We still have up and down days (mostly me over this whole anniversary thing) he just apologises a lot which I know it's all he can say, but he also actively tries to do things for me and the kids, which when his time aas spent with porn, this would never happen. It's like his mind was always elsewhere, he had his phone constantly in his hand or pocket and I thought he was cheating on me. In his mind he was with these porn sites and he realises now how much it has affected me mentally. The last 2 times before he didnt get it because he was still hooked, he didnt want to get it back then.
I would say if you can quote whilst living in that old home your in with a good chance of not showing it all but if you cant and it's more than a compulsion and more like an addiction then you need to be honest with yourself first.
My husband was looking at 200+ videos a day, flicking in and out of them, at home, at work, out and about. He spent less and less time here with us. It felt like I lost him to another woman anyway.
Our sex sessions used to last ages and now they are quit quick.
He has been off it 8 weeks now and still thinks about it during his weak moments when he feels down ir vulnerable so I would say the quicker you start your day counter the better.

 

@juniormelville You situation is about the best on this site. I don't say that to downplay your issue, it is the same as many of us here....but you are in a far better position to be open with your wife than many here and I would strongly suggest you let her in on this now and not later and especially not later with her discovering the issue.

But, a big but, while getting into a porn compulsion when in a long distance situation seems less damaging to ME, the emotions of actual spouses vary a lot. From "we are done" to "that turns me on", but obviously mostly in the middle. What coming out with this secret does (along with your commitment to changing) is take away the shame for you and not open up distrust between you and your wife. That is important all the time, but can be the make or break aspect of a porn addiction. The mistrust can be worse than the porn itself.

 

Don’t worry; I do the same. I think it’s because there’s no real right or wrong in situations like these - every option sucks. And every individual and every couple and every addiction is different.