35 and older accountability, Group 2

@Espi1971 - Awesome man - 90 days is a fantastic milestone!

Update day 66

Feeling really good overal - There is a peacefulness and happiness that is taking over most of my days -

Challenges are faced with acceptance - Seeking pleasures in food, taste, social media are minimized.

Desire to live with disicpline is ever increasing.

Finding peacefulness in hardwork.

 

@RightEffort I appreciate that and thank you for sharing your success!

 

I have read the rules and would like to join this group.

I am on day 16 and I started the 2nd morning of January. Today was the hardest day so far because I had a dream that would be an amazing fantasy. Some accountability would be nice. Today I was actually siding with the fact that I wanted to just do it. I laid in bed squirming instead of just getting out of bed, I also stayed with the fantasies for a while. I have been mindfully meditating previously when the thoughts would come up, but today was so powerful, I did not get a chance to meditate, I eventually got out of bed and faced manhood.

My personal goals are No Porn (forever), No masturbation (at all for at least 30 days). At least 30 days from being with a woman as well (even though it has already been a really long time haha). The idea is to feel the urges and allow them to happen without the need of me answering to them.

 

It's good to have goals, something to keep focused on and in particular your already halfway through your 30 days, congrats on the success so far, every success on the rest of your journey.

 

Observations after 90 days of hardmode:

Live life with 100% honesty

Periodic, acute feelings of inner peace and gratitude

I have identified and pursued more goals in the past 90 days than I did in the last several years, combined.

Feel a renewed sense toward the spiritual: I now pray to God almost daily

Feel more relaxed, connected and sociable: I look more people in the eye, smile, and say hello

I am more accepting and forgiving

Quit smoking weed cold turkey

Desire for alcohol is greatly diminished

I have a LOT more more energy

I'm more physically fit: I train with weights and cardio, with greater focus and intensity, usually 4-5Xs a week, sometimes up to 2 hours per training session

I sleep better (I don't remember the last time I used an alarm clock to wake up)

I've become a "morning person": I go to bed early and I wake up early, almost always feeling clear and rejuvenated

I feel more appreciative of/connected to nature

I'm financially responsible and frugal: I'm hardly interested in/impressed by material things

Minimize use of digital devices, especially in the gym

Reduced alprazolam from 2 mg to .25 mg

Got divorced after an unhappy 5-year marraige

Have developed 2 close friendships and have re-connected with a family member whom I haven't seen or rarely spoken in nearly 6 years.

Spent the majority of my 2-week Christmas break in nature, and in peaceful solitude: no consuming of material items; no weed; very little alcohol

Have started dating

Have endured workplace struggles (slowdown; layoffs; refused to contribute to "Boss' Day")

Received 2 raises at work (these were companywide raises but it still feels like an accomplishment)

Disputed damage to my vehicle and the dealership repaired it, free of charge

Skin texture appears shinier, devoid of dryness and completely non-porous.

My eyes appear clear and vibrant

Eyesight has improved: my eyes rarely feel sore, burning, or scratchy, despite my wearing contacts and staring at a computer screen for 8-10 hours a day; also, I see clearer and farther. Minimal bagginess beneath my eyes has now dissapeared.

Teeth look whiter

Face looks leaner and more angular. This could be due to a few pounds of weight loss but I swear my face has changed structurally...I realize I could be exaggerating, but this is what I feel and see every time I look in the mirror.

Countenance appears more relaxed, like somebody just shared a joke; it's like I'm always on the cusp of smiling

Posture has improved

Fingernails are shinier and grow quicker

Less obsessed with body image: I haven't injected testosterone cypionate since December 1, 2019

Have reduced my daily caffeine from 6-8 K-cups per day to 2 K-cups per day

 

Beginning of week check in. Made it through the week just fine. Working on finances this morning so a big potential trigger and I always want to hide. Of course, PMO has always been my hiding place and with that option off the table I will just suck it up and deal with the hard stuff. Of course, there are a 1000 different other distractions out there that I have used when PMO sober in the past. But I understand these will get me know where as well. Having the nofap forums to check in to makes a huge difference as I can call myself out. So here is on to the hard stuff!

 

These last two days have been more difficult for me. But I'm here checking in. No relapse. But I could tell you right now I really want to relapse. And I keep grabbing back onto my purpose which is what type of man I want to be. So just that alone allows me to have the strength. It's also amazing how deep all of this stuff runs through my system. It's not just sexual impulses. It's the need to get away from uncomfort. The need to get away from uncomfort in so many areas of my life. While facing these things on a daily basis right now I've been journaling almost every single day. Especially these last two days. I decided to take off of work and leave my laptop mostly alone, this Saturday and Sunday. What is interesting is I always went to my laptop to work, to program, to learn something. Read. Whatever. I used that as a way to distract myself. Not using it the last few days is helping me face myself.

Its an interesting journey. I am being initiated into manhood.

 

Welcome

 

Who is this "I" that wants to relapse? Is this the real you? Or is this the part of you that causes you suffering?

What helps me is to pray, intend and try my best to discern between what brings short term pleasure and lasting joy.

When in face of such temptation - I sometimes ask in humility and neediness for Grace for help, then I will do what i can and all i can to show my faith in action.

This may mean avoiding late eating, spending time in meditation reading spiritual books or doing some unselfish act or a discipline that will bring me in harmony.

Lastly I remind myself (hopefully) that this is also arising and passing. This phase of infatuation is an appearance that is subject to change. My job is to bare this with calmness and equanimity (non reactiveness and radical acceptance of what is , without engagement or resistance)

The struggle is what makes the goal worthwhile, appreciating the struggle we are in can help to fight with perseverance and deligence.

 

So I'm on day 36 of my reboot and have been reading the book Breaking The Cycle. It's got an interesting take that really made me think. What is the financial impact of porn addiction/obsession?

Forget the money you have spent on porn and just realize the time and effort porn has cost you. Relationships ending in divorce, getting fired for looking at porn at work, the time and energy you could have spent on further knowledge of a trade or job skills, etc.

Porn has cost me better job opportunities because I was more obsessed with porn than bettering myself.

It's a harsh reality to face when you take the time to count all of the things you could have accomplished if that energy had been spent on everything else in life that isn't porn.

I have an addiction that I'm trying to break and can now see tangible evidence of the true cost of it.

It's sobering to say the least. I have taken the time to learn about my addiction and keep continuing to do so. Just not jerking off to porn isn't enough. You have to realize the true cost of the addiction.

Still holding strong at 36 days now.

 

Yes. The "I" that wants to find an excuse to relapse is just the undisciplined, scared me. So really, its not my true self.

But man. It has amped up in difficulty. Today was also really difficult. I feel like i am going through withdrawals beyond wanting anything sexual. I am almost frothing at the mouth when i see woman. Woman I am not generally attracted to look delicious. Concentration is tough and I am perhaps a bit depressed.

I doing pretty good. The amount of discipline this takes is really something. I keep remembering my intent.

 

D130 Maybe it's for more than 4 months without PM, but I've been feeling very anxious these days. I have also begun to make some mental notes, of how lust in me has affected my relationships with others.

 

I know the feeling bro

What this means to me is that your energy is stuck in the lower energy centers, and so doing YOGA and MOVING the body helps alot. Modifying food and limiting meat (specially red meat) and discipline your eyes can help. Most importantly be disciplined in thoughts - avoid daydreaming and focus on GOD, Truth, Love, whatever you beleive in.

This is a phase and once you pass the test you will find asnese of peace and inner confidence which is far more valuable than the temporary release of the sense pleasures.

This is hard to imagine, you just have to have faith that something greater is beyond the sorrow of missing the sense pleasures.

we are all in this together, just say to yourself I will stick through no matter what and do your best.

What causes us suffering is to think that we are always going to feel this way - hungry and feeling like missing out.

This is NOT so.

Like a smoker who is quiting at first the withdraw is physical, then it is metal. After 6 months or 12 months he will wonder why did he EVER wanted to smoke at the first place.

The same is true with lust - it feels like a GREAT loss to use to go from the excitment of daily porn watching to NO sex or porn, it sounds crazy - but actually once we go through the tunnel of self-control and feel the love and peace and inner assurance and freedom from fear - we wonder, why would we ever live any other way.

This is so true in my experience.

We have traded our lasting joy moment by moment ALL DAY - from momentary pleasures and our ego is addicted to it.

Face your suffering with courage, realize there is only ONE way out, that is through your pain and suffering - God/truth/Wisdom Prayer and your brothers are here to support you through this but you have to walk the path. no one is going to do it for you, and the rest of the world is stuck in their own misery.

You got this. Keep trying. keep trying.

 

Thank you for sharing and congratulations on overcoming.

In my mind there are obvious triggers and there are subtle triggers, and for me it's the subtle ones that I feel like I have be especially aware of. Anything basically that involves my having to step up, accept responsibility, and do the things I'd rather not.

I've always reacted to life's struggles by escaping/avoiding/isolating, and even though I'm working on changing my reactions, many responsibilities of every day life remain a real struggle for me. In many ways, being responsible is rather new to me.

Knowing that others are facing up to these responsibilities and struggles is helpful and inspiring.

 

I went out and binged this weekend while my wife was away. I turned off my filters and went wild. It felt good in the moment, but then Monday I returned to anxiety and stresses at work and I turned back on my filters. All the feeling good over the weekend was gone and it’s Tuesday now and I feel like a miserable unhappy wretch.

 

You may be down but you're never out in my book.

Thank you for your candor.

I'm glad you're OK, and I'm glad you're back.

 

I thought about it and it is quite costly.

I never imagined how much peace and joy could come from living 100% honestly. No more hiding!

For me, that alone is priceless.

Thank you!

 

Three months for me, and though my "up" days outweigh my "down" days, I still feel like I am prone to bouts of depression and anxiety. Urges are constantly with me, too, though those seem to have lessened in intensity.

 

D131. Regarding the anxiety I felt yesterday (I could hardly sleep at night) I am better.

Today I met with my students, we reviewed what we saw at the end of last year (salvation, regret, conversion, justification) and we had issues pending. It was a moment of enormous blessing for all. God gave me wisdom, clarity of thought and humility.

 

I congratulate you on your achievement, bro. Three months is a lot. Let's go for more! Keep in mind that anxiety and depression should be side effects of PM cleanup. You are having a good battle! Keep it up!