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My husband confessed...

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Beloved98, Jan 21, 2020.

  1. Beloved98

    Beloved98 Fapstronaut

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    Idk how I will be recieved here.

    But some back story. My husband claimed he only had eyes for me. He even told me how important it was that he didn't lust for me when we first me, but saw my purely. He always assured me (overcompensated) that he never looked at women in public.

    Of course I'm not that stupid, but he went out of his way to say these things when I never accused him otherwise. So it left me assured...

    A month before I gave birth he started acting angry, and threatening to divorce me over us fighting about his video game use.
    After I gave birth he became cruel and told me he "hated me everyday more and more." & "regretted having children with me". He threatened to leave more and more and I spent many days crying unable to get up from the floor trying to make sense of it all and begging him not to leave.

    Cut to the confession: I lose it. Broke everything I could get my hands on and hit him with everything my 5'4, 110lbs body could do. Needless to say, from anemia I ended up with all the bruises(not funny, I know).

    It's now been 20days since the confession. Some days are ok, and some I am a woman on fire burning alive. Some days I cry, and some I just want to hit him. Other days I just want to love him and remember what it felt like to feel like he was mine. Only mine.

    Today, I have turned into someone I hate. The revenge clothes, make-up and body, the insecurity, the anger towards other women in public that wear clothes that make my husband trip. And now I've done the same thing...as stupid as it sounds, to keep him from looking at other women and paying more attention to what men looking at me. Childish, stupid, unloving, check and check...I just want to wake up from this nightmare. Yet were here.

    I still believe he is looking or has in one way or another and masterbating though he says he hasn't. We've been together, and had no issues. He's whispered romance, how I'm the only woman, but it still feels like I'm being kissed by a viper. Lies.

    I truly am trying to figure out how to support him, and I am thankful it's all out....but burning alive here. Ouch.

    I guess my number one issue here is that he believes he's doing everything he's doing for me. He broke my phone, so he gave me his S10 note and got a flip phone. Just broke his flip phone today...my issue is there is no trust. He's just so damn smart and lies so good, and I feel it in my gut...that part where men say, "you're crazy" even though we women know when something isn't right.

    Yes, still finding crusty wash clothes or sock by his bed. And what looked by a sperm splat on the couch when he slept on it ferociously mad two nights prior to noticing the stain.
    Idk what I'm looking for. I guess just straight honesty. Hard truth from men's perspective.

    He left for 3hrs after a fight the other night til 2am. Says he slept in the car and almost went to a strip club...and DIDN'T look at porn.

    Sigh*** Do I believe him, or am I right to call his bluff. I just don't know how to move forward.
     
  2. CTRL + DEL

    CTRL + DEL Fapstronaut

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    Were I a woman and in your position, a divorce and restraining order would have been issued. Preferably before you went nuts with (justified) anger.

    Cum stains should not be used as fuel for assumptions. Many men masturbate without porn, particularly around the time they go to bed. The issue here for you is porn use, I believe.

    Do not let things escalate. If you can't or won't divorce, at least take the baby out of this environment. You do not want your kid turning out like him.
     
  3. Beloved98

    Beloved98 Fapstronaut

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    According to our beliefs and his confession, masterbating--esspecially in anger towards me-- has been and is an offense against me.

    Especially after having no desire to come near me very often in the past(once a week). So now, fighting with me and going into the bathroom to masterbate is a slap in the face.

    My rage acting out peaked that first day, and a second one after a cruel insult. His peaks when confronted nearly every few days. He's never hit me, but has confessed to his porn stemming from a hatred for women. He is only cruel with his words...and phones. Lol

    I just don't understand any of it. Some days feel hopeless and other days feel as if he could be holding himself accountable like he says. We cant even walk into a store without him panicking when he sees a woman in gym clothes. Doesn't appear to be as strong as he says. I want him to seek outside help and accountability, but he says he's tired of talking about it.
     
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  4. CTRL + DEL

    CTRL + DEL Fapstronaut

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    There is nothing you can do to help someone who shows no interest in working out their issues in the first place.

    I am sorry to be the one to tell you this, but your position as his spouse is preventing you from being objective about this. Right now, your only priority is your child. And then yourself. That's it.

    A man's basic duty is to protect his wife, if nothing else. Even animals understand this.
    This is no man. It's a boy.

    You stand nothing to lose in walking away from this life. The day you realize this is the day you will free yourself from this poor excuse of a husband.
     
  5. Beloved98

    Beloved98 Fapstronaut

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    He did break my phone because I kept accusing him of looking at porn. Not that it is right.
    He does show a desire to change though, he's cried and said he'll do whatever it takes. He just fights himself between manning up and blaming me for not getting what he wants and having to answer to a spouse. I did also read that pornography usage disables men to the extent of the age they began using. It keeps them from growing and maturing. Hence the tantrums

    More along with what you are saying, I do believe though that my being present distracts him from the depth of the dark void within himself. And that is where I'm torn. Plus we have two kids together and and I have two teenage sons.
     
    Raging Wife likes this.
  6. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    Please understand I know what you are going through is not easy and it messes with your mind. He is gaslighting and manipulating you to feel sorry for him. Him walking around moping and sad and blaming you for taking away his porn (his drug of choice) and then calling you names and braking things is all part of the addict trying to keep his addiction and pretend to want to change. You must know the difference between a man in real recovery and a man trying to white knuckle it and not putting in full effort. He is the latter. If he really wants to change and stop this addiction and the hurt and pain he is causing you, then he will willingly (on his own, without you telling him to do it) SHOW THROUGH ACTIONS. He will seek and make appointments with therapists, sign up for accountability partners, actively participate in sites (like NoFap, RecoveryNation, Feedtherightwolf, the mindful habit, partner hope), read books, and stop PMO. He would willingly set up web filters and porn blockers on all electronic devices and also give you all of his passwords to computers and phones. You also need to be in charge of finances. Someone feeling sorry for themselves and acting like a pissy toddler is an active addict.
     
  7. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    Because you have teenage sons should be a big reason to separate from him until he gets his shit together. Your sons will (if they haven’t already) follow in his path especially with a addict leaving computers around and phones around with tabs accidentally left open. It is just a matter of time before someone walks in on him jerking off to porn. Plus, you need to show your sons what is and is not acceptable to do when it comes to relationships with women. If you stay the. The environment is toxic to the kids and you show them you are a doormat. Set your boundaries and consequences, women! Stand firm and do not let him treat you this way. You need to kick him out. He needs help and you cannot help him. He will drag you down for years if he is not willing to make the change and you wait and try to reason with an addict.
     
    Raging Wife likes this.
  8. SequinHistory

    SequinHistory Fapstronaut

    Hey IAmLegion. I like you and you write good posts but I’m not sure I agree with you here.

    Something I struggle with as an addict is bringing other people down to make myself feel better e.g. I’m a porn addict but I least I haven’t had a REAL affair, I didn’t hurt her on purpose etc. It seems like you sometimes do the same thing.

    I’m only 19 so I have my whole life ahead of me. At least I’m not married and addicted, or even worse addicted with a child. Men who do that must be evil. If I was a woman I’d leave that person. They’ll never change. They’re no man. They’re a poor excuse for a husband. I’d never do something like that.

    What you’ve got to realise is you’re no different- we’re all addicts here with issues and problems that need to be addressed. It’s good that you’re only 19, not married etc. but hey- so was I. Now I’m a married addict with no children. If I don’t address this now, I’ll be a married addict with a child. It’s a downward spiral that can get out of control really fast.

    For the OP, your husband is in denial. It’s taken me 15 years to realise I had a problem, and the damage I’ve done to my wife is heartbreaking. Porn is something that is ALWAYS hidden. Your husband would have told you “he didn’t lust for you” etc. because they are his real values and beliefs. I don’t think he hates women. He’s trying to understand why his actions and his values are not aligning and is trying to find justification. If he continues like this he’s never going to be happy.

    I’d recommend reading r/loveafterporn on Reddit and heavily suggesting he does the same. Make him realise that this needs to change or you are going to leave and take the kids. Get him to make an account or a post on NoFap. Look into therapy. Buy books (Paula Hall is very good). He needs to get his head out of the sand before it’s too late.
     
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  9. CTRL + DEL

    CTRL + DEL Fapstronaut

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    Easy there cowboy.

    Lol no


    Dude you can't do this- make a (wrong) paragraph long assumption about what I'm thinking, make a second assumption that it is correct and then advise me based on your (assumption)².

    All I did was notice flaws in both their behaviors and point them out, particularly the list of issues in her husband. It doesn't make me a better or worse person. I don't have to be 19 or 39 to know what's right and wrong. Everyone slips up- that's life. But what her husband is doing is completely wrong and she nor her child deserves to live with such a man, unless he takes proactive measures against his addiction. That is all I'm saying.
     
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  10. SequinHistory

    SequinHistory Fapstronaut

    I was offering advice based on my own experiences. I don’t know why that would offend you but I apologise if it did.

    All porn addicts have done something completely wrong but I think, if you were in the same situation as her husband, you wouldn’t want her to take the advice of somebody who knows NOTHING about either of them. I know you’re trying to be objective but, let’s not forget, we are all offering anonymous and online advice. None of us know the full story or the people involved.

    I agree that the husband needs to take proactive measures. I don’t know the OP or her husband so I won’t presume anything, but she needs to talk to him about this or find a professional therapist who can (someone who specifically understands porn addiction). Maybe removing yourself and your children from the situation is best but you will have to make that decision. Communication is key.

    Oh, and I’m not a cowboy although I do like the hats.
     
  11. Beloved98

    Beloved98 Fapstronaut

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    The therapist he recently went to told him he didn't have an addiction...that it's from childhood trauma from his mother, and that he'll keep going back and forth until he's ready to be done. She downplayed it, or he did. So now not sure where to go for him to get help....ugh.

    I have four children, two with him. If we split it would be final. It just really isn't a possibility or option, so we're forced to give it all or nothing ASAP.
     
    Raging Wife likes this.
  12. Beloved98

    Beloved98 Fapstronaut

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    He knows...if I said I was leaving, he'd go fall into bed with another girl. He made that crystal clear last time I said I was done. He messaged a girl right away and I think stayed up late looking at insta, Twitter, and pinterest profile porn. He also turns into the most evil person when he stumbles back into it. It's like it takes him over and all human emotion goes away...he even laughs when I cry or have a panic attack. By his own confession of the material he watched, he himself said that. He hates women...anger/hatred is his safety guard. He said he rarely watched softcore because he liked to see women mistreated.
     
  13. SequinHistory

    SequinHistory Fapstronaut

    Unfortunately that is a common opinion among some therapists. A lot of therapists who work in this field refer to it as ‘problematic compulsive sexual behaviour’, although the effects are basically the same as addiction. It’s massively unhelpful to hear this kind of feedback from a professional and ends up doing more damage than good. Trauma is definitely a big factor in why compulsive behaviour exists, but as all addicts know escape does not help- it just makes things worse in the long term. If you want a therapist who can help, you’re going to need to find a therapist that specialises in sex addiction.

    Unfortunately therapy will do little good if your husband is not willing to change. I would definitely advise that you seek help from a sex addiction therapist with regards to your betrayal trauma. You mention that you’re forced to give all or nothing, but does your husband feel the same way? If you give all and your husband gives nothing, it’s going to much worse for you and your children in the long term.

    He definitely needs professional help but it’s only going to work if he’s open. I’m part of a 12 week group therapy run by a leading sex addiction psychotherapist and attend a 12 step group. I also listen to podcasts and read books relating to this addiction. The only reason my wife is staying with me at the moment is because I’m trying with all my might to change. It took me some time to come to this realisation and I’ve made mistakes along the way, but I’m still trying. I’m so sorry but if he’s not doing the same, you need to seriously consider your options. Maybe you could have some time apart? That definitely helped me wake up and realise what I was doing. His future is going to be very lonely if he continues down this path.
     
  14. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    He is mentally unwell and need to see a psychiatrist. This is not a downward spiral in a healthy relationship, but a collapse for a sick individual. Nothing you could have done could have provoked that reaction.

    We went through something very similar, my husband and me. From being faithful, caring, attentive and kind to turning into a cruel, emotionless, porn obsessed robot that laughed when I cried and told me the most horrendous things meanwhile he tried to fuck his coworkers. Everything changed when he was put on antidepressants. He got almost completely back to normal again. It has been the hardest thing I have ever been put through. When you say you feel like you are on fire, I couldn't find a better description. I wish you all the best.
     
  15. Beloved98

    Beloved98 Fapstronaut

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    I left to stay in a hotel for 3 nights two hours away...because he started up all his social media accounts(where he'd look at porn(nudes) virus free). I told him he's just tempting the devil to tempt him and doesn't want true change if he cant give those up. Finally I checked his pinterest feed/history and found many pictures he muted were pornographic or sexually charged. But he things he's justified because....he muted it. Yet it's STILL RIGHT IN HIS FACE for however long he chooses. Only him and Jesus know!
    Anyways, He pushed me to go, and said over and over that he doesn't care what I do. He shuts down, becomes cold and could care less if someone died right in front of him. So I took our babies and left.

    When I got to the hotel, he sent me a picture of his wedding ring back on his finger. And he apologized and said his anxiety was through the roof and he didn't mean it and screwed it up. Low and behold, the temporal affection and tenderness as usual comes when he had found a replacement--games.

    He bought a brand new console, and games....small fortune. Then it's all roses from there. Until of course I get in the way of him and game time and he realizes his anger gets worse when gaming and failing to moderate game time or not wanting to do real life things with the family. He's gotten rid of games so many times!!! At his own confession that he can't control it...

    I told him I'm not coming back if he keeps the console. I can't handle his anger or rage...or coldness.

    He told me to let him be and stop threatening him or he's going to divorce me. He also said he doesn't care and just wants the kids back...

    In his favor he looked up a Psychologist. And may do an online mens porn addiction 12month study.

    Still in hotel by myself, day two of quieting tears and bottle feeding our newborn while he reflects(games & stops thinking).

    He doesn't know how to not destroy. I hope he truly sees over this time, but might not...to me it sounds like most men here care about losing their wives. I don't believe he does...
     
    Raging Wife likes this.
  16. SequinHistory

    SequinHistory Fapstronaut

    I’m so sorry you’re going through all this.

    I understand the gaming thing. I wasted a lot of quality time with my wife playing computer games. Looking back, I was using them to escape from the shame I felt because of my actions and the damage I was causing. I have cut down massively and regulate my game time now. Prior to this, I stopped playing completely for quite some time.

    I’m glad you’re in a hotel with your children but where is he? Do you have a house together and is that where he’s living? My wife asked me to leave for a few days and I slept at my friend’s house. My wife stayed in an Airbnb near her work but we are back together again now in our apartment. My wife’s therapist told her that I should have left, and that she shouldn’t be the one living away from her home because of my addiction. I believe this advice is true for you too. I have to keep working on my recovery or I am going to have to leave- that is the reality. I told my wife this- “if I fall back and mess up again you have to kick me out”. She agreed and it allowed her to feel some security and safety. As hard as it is, I’ve stayed on track with no relapses since that moment.

    I’m not going to offer advice as I am not in a position to do so, and I don’t believe advice is helpful because every situation is different. All I can say is this- as much as you try you cannot make your husband change his mindset or his actions. You need to protect yourself and your children and hope he realises this on his own. Your relationship as it is now is toxic, unloving and unsafe. You deserve much better than this.
     
    Raging Wife likes this.
  17. Beloved98

    Beloved98 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for sharing.

    I know all this is true. He won't leave...because for him it leads to him being tempted to go cheat. So I always get the blame. Whatever I do creates what he does. "You made me do it" or "you're my stumbling block " is what I get constantly. So everything goes back to being my fault.

    I really don't have anywhere to stay, not even my mom's with my four kids. But at the moment we are living together in an apartment. And he's there while he works.

    I wish I knew how to protect the kids from all this stress, but there's just no way unless he takes everything seriously and ditched what needs to be to focus on rebuilding our marriage and rewiring his brain. I'm not against the games, I'm against the reward system in his juvenile brain that has left him a slave. I think one day maybe he can play games, but the health of the family has to come first. That means him looking at the man in the mirror and creating new reward paths in his brain.

    As a Christian I believe what Gods Word says,
    - He who finds a wife finds a good thing
    - God created sex, therefore sex is meant to be enjoyed in the context of marriage.
    - God wants husbands to be "intoxicated" with the love of one wife alone.
    -becoming a man means putting away childish things.

    I can only pray his eyes are opened. As terrible as he's been, I love him. I can endure a lot. I can't endure lack of truth or effort though. I'm willing to bet 80% of women feel the same. I hope you and your wife experience all that you never had before, deeper levels of affection than ever.
    Ps- how long has it been since you moved back in?
     
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  18. Raging Wife

    Raging Wife Fapstronaut

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    You are not alone here. My husband is in day 88 and I still think about it daily. It drives me crazy but I love him more than I hate him, that keeps me going. Started during pregnancy for him too, it makes it all feel 1000x worse.
    I think the bir where they call us crazy is something that happened today. Ky intuition tells me he relapsed 2 days ago and tried deleting it all. He says he doesn't know what he is doing with his phone but that is totally BullShit! I never actually accused him I just gave him a look and he knew what I was thinking. He says if there is no trust there is no us and I say there is no trust because of your actions. It's a never ending vicious circle I'm afraid, well it is for my mind anyway.
    Post birth hormones do not help at all. Our baby is now 4 months and he told me 3 weeks post birth. I knew all along anyway as it came out after our 2nd child the year before. I've asked for sexual health checks and now he is getting the snip because don't want no more children as this is what triggers his use.
    I feel like my dreams if having a bug family are shattered now. We have 5 children (older 2 are mine from a previous relationship). He is a great dad and great husband apart from when he uses porn.
    It's a bit of a rollercoaster and not what I would have chosen at all. I made a vow to love him in sickness and health and to me he is sick and he needs my help.
    Path for men and Bloom for women really helped us at the start. It also made him realise he was being unfair using excuses and gas lighting. Google them.
    None of this is your fault and never was. Its something they cant control and although it's not physically cheating it still hurts the same.
    Hope your ok.xx
     
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  19. Beloved98

    Beloved98 Fapstronaut

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    Wow, thank you for your response. This is like a huge hug to me! I'm so sorry to hear you went through that too. Though sounds like you've had a better handle on it than me. Or maybe my husband is just more cruel than many abusers because of his PTSD? Rage is his lollipop. It's rough, but I feel exactly the same way. My love outweighs the anger I have. It hurts when he tells me I know nothing about love and don't truly love him....right, because after everything he's said and done, it's selfishness keeping me here!? He is in a place where everything is my fault. Relapse, lying, acting out, everything. If I couldn't reflect on what Christ did for me, I could not stay in this...He is my only strength right now. My husband just told me to "fuck off" and Hope's my sons hate me, and understands why their dad hates me now. He said he hates me more daily. That line comes out most when gaming or using porn or both.

    It is definitely real cheating in my book. Out of anger I told him before work to imagine me master bat ing to his brothers picture (since he said he didn't care if I suddenly had a Pmo addiction.) I said that's how I feel daily. I told I may or may not do that! Now you know how I feel everytime you leave the house or I leave you home. That tore him up for days, the idea. And as God as my witness, it's never happened. I just don't have the desire or imagination for that. Huge bore fest, I need a real person. He still holds this against me....I wish the offenses against me were only threats or hypotheticals, but nope...it's reality on his part and it makes me sick daily. It's like waking up, feeling hopeful and then remembering your loved one died yesterday and the funeral is today. I forget sometimes, and other times it crushes me and can't eat. And now I'm a skinny gross depressed wife and my husband doesn't like skinny women and he comments often about that. Which makes me not want to eat even More!!

    I will look up those groups. I know I really really need sisters to learn into who understand. Thanks for sharing!!!
     
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  20. Anakin66

    Anakin66 Fapstronaut

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    This is a really unfortunate situation for you and your kids. It doesn't look like your husband wants to work things out. It seems like he is escalating his abuse to push you away. You and your kids might be better off without him. I know its a tough decision, but the right ones are usually the hardest. I hope your life gets better very soon.
     
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