40-Year Struggle; Time to Get Real

I've been lurking on this site for a few months now and after getting so much from it, I feel it's time to give back. As a man who is older (53) than many on here, I have earned some insights that could hopefully be of help. I want to first share my back story, then some things I've learned over nearly 40 years struggling with PMO (and M longer than that), and conclude with my recent wins and what's left to go.

Back Story

I grew up in a stable, Midwestern home with a successful, highly respected father and a loving stay at home mom. I discovered the tingly sensations of pre-pubescent M while sliding prone in the bathtub in early grade school. (I'm not sure my mom ever figured out why I was the only kid my age who looked forward to bathtime.) There were also sessions of naked sex play... boys with girls, boys with boys, and both together. Never penetration but plenty of "exploration." Things that would have mortified my conservative Christian parents if they had known. Again, all well before puberty.

P came into the mix first in the form of sexy bits in the drugstore novels (jr high), then sneaked peeks at softcore mags in mainstream bookstores throughout high school. By college and grad school I was seeking out hardcore mags and videos through any number of methods, and kept a stash through my 20s and early 30s. There were many more days I PMOd than days I didn't during that whole time, with more edging the older I got.

In short I was your textbook introvert (INFJ to be exact), with severe Nice Guy syndrome (built into me by my upbringing), who was both incredibly drawn to women and scared to death of them (especially the pretty ones), resorting to PMO for all the things I couldn't get IRL. All of which left me with little more than handful of platonic friendships with girls until I got married at 33, as a virgin. Due to my upbringing and beliefs I actually considered that a good accomplishment but it is now one of my biggest regrets.

Our first few years of marriage the sex was pretty good (she having a great body, a high sex drive and being considerably more experienced than me) and my PMOing dropped down to occasional MO. The problem came when I started losing attraction to my wife and turned to P to get myself revved up for her.

At some point during that time I came out to her about my P usage and it did not go well, to say the least. This was the only time in our marriage that divorce was ever brought up. I joined an addicts support group at our church and did find some help there, but never came close to getting clean.

Then about 6 1/2 years ago I was let go from my job (not due to P), was forced to move, and lost my father and my 39-year old brother within a span of two years. At the same time my wife had undergone a series of health issues, leaving her 50 lbs heavier than when we married and sexually unavailable. PMO (along with a lot of alcohol) was my medication, now more varied and accessible than ever thanks to WiFi and a smartphone. By the midway point of that stretch, full blown PIED had set in and it was only after researching Gary Wilson's work about 2 years ago that I started putting all the pieces together.

What I've Learned

The PMO cycle is is the most vicious weapon ever unleashed on modern manhood. Why?

- The #1 thing it takes from you, ironically and insiduously, is the #1 thing that attracts women and holds their respect: your confidence.

- It puts up a wall between you and others. It literally repels people even if they don't know why. I'm a 6-foot guy who has been told many times I'm good looking. I have an advanced degree, a good job, and I spent several years playing hundreds of gigs as a successful musician, yet I have been in countless situations where I have literally felt invisible to women. I spent decades wondering why things didn't add up, and now I finally know.

- It shrinks your motivation, your creativity--and your dick.

- It takes your time and gives you back nothing except for a few seconds of feel-good followed by crushing emptiness and regret.

- It causes you to be less than who you are, and to show up the worst around those who love you the most.

What Are the Wins?

- I achieved 90 days of no PMO about a year and a half ago. During that time the amount and quality of attention I got from women was like nothing I've experienced in my life--including a flight attendant half my age who all but offered herself up to me on a flight. But because I was not able to follow up the reboot by rewiring with my wife, it didn't "take." Since then the streaks have been much shorter, usually 21-25 days, but I have maintained a "streak of streaks" and keep starting over and taking note of how to do better each time.

- I have weaned myself off of hardcore P. I finally realize the self-cuckoldry of watching another man (or men) f**k a woman and I am repulsed by it. The next step, and where my most recent streaks have ended, is with P-subs, specifically bikini and fitness models. There are a couple of gals in particular who I won't name but if I let myself see even one pic of them, I'm gone. I even have to watch it now just with pretty faces (especially eyes) on the web so some kind of fast in that regard is likely coming. Fantasies are also still a huge thing and I work with a number of smart, good- looking and well-dressed women who seem to like interacting with me and would provide plenty of fodder for my thought life if I don't keep it in check.

- I have combined the above with a regimen of healthy eating (moderate complex carbs, moderately high protein and lots of healthy fats), strength oriented weightlifting and HIIT. My body (other than my dick) is in the best shape now since when I was in college...possibly better. This has boosted my testosterone, and my confidence, and while that does cause an uptick in urges I will trade that 12 times out of 10 for my former spare tire, man boobs and no energy or libido.

- Morning wood, or in my case, 3 a.m. wood, is coming back at a pretty regular frequency but with varying quality (i.e. barely over a semi some nights, pretty solid others). I have yet to return to 100% raging split-your-boxers hardons, but things are definitely--pun intended--looking up.

- I have devoured many many hours of videos, podcasts, and articles about female psychology. Guys, it doesn't matter if you're looking to get laid every night or you've been married 20 years. You need to know what women really want (not what they say they want or what the romantic movies portray)-- and if you've been indoctrinated into Nice Guy thinking as I was, pretty much everything you're thinking and doing when it comes to women is wrong. Listen to both women and men on this topic, and find the areas where they agree. Even if you're married, or especially if you're married, watch some clips from dating coaches or even the less sleazy pickup artists and learn what makes a woman lust for you at her core. They want this from us men--desperately--but so many of us are trapped in PMO that we're not showing up. And both sexes are suffering because of it.

What's Left?

- Sharing this, for one. I refuse to accept that, being otherwise still in very good health and still reasonably good looking, my sex life is over. I fully own that I have given myself a f**king-over like few others and that I will spend months if not years paying for it. As the Bible says, when a man sins sexually he sins against his own body and is that ever the truth.

As for my wife, her health issues remain but she has lost a lot of weight and I do feel my attraction to her (and vice versa) returning at points. She is still physically unavailable to me and I don't relish with what will essentially be an asexual lifestyle (M being off the table and finding another partner not an option). But I do have faith she will be available to me again in the future and my intent is to be for her, at that time, the best man--in every sense of the word--that she has ever known.

Thank you for bearing with the length of this. I welcome any responses or follow up questions and look forward to contributing to this great community.