Is there any going back after his 3rd time admitting Porn addiction?

My brain is fried and I am not coping this time at all. My hormones have played a big part in this too. I know the doctor wants me in antidepressants but the only thing that depresses me is what my husband has done to me. I'm literally traumatised anyway because I suffer with complex post traumatic stress disorder as a result of childhood sexual abuse.

I felt wrong for wanting sex with my husband, wrong for kicking off when he turned me down/rejected me. He has been using me as his personal sex toy for the whole 8 weeks P free until I put a stop to it by telling him how that made me feel. All he keeps saying is sorry I have done this and put you through this. I can't even hear that anymore because it's all he says, never gives any reason for him looking at porn on our wedding anniversary or searching for sex the same day.

Things have been ok sort of, we talk a lot more openly etc and have had a better sex life but still feel like he isn't being completely honest with me. I feel like every time he opens his mouth he is lying. Starting to think he has some sort if compulsive issue that is deep rooted.

He has slowed down though, as in talking about his porn addiction, he even avoided being honest about nearly relapsing till a few days back. Has this all disturbed me that much I have turned into a monster? Wtf is going on? Why can't I stop thinking about it all. One minute I'm fine and the next I'm getting bad thoughts about what he has done to me, keep dreaming about fighting him and grabbing his face saying its your fault I'm like this, what have you done to me. It's literally the only part I remember about my dream. Is there any going back after this time round? 3rd time he has been caught so really hit hard this time, I gave birth 12 weeks ago. The last time it happened was after our 2nd baby last year and he says it started during our first pregnancy 6 years ago.
I've asked him to get the snip and he has agreed. I always wanted 6 kids and that will never happen now because if his addiction and my worry it will start again if we have another baby.

I just dont know what to think anymore!

 

I told him how I felt. I said it's just going round and round in my head about what he did on our wedding anniversary, nothing that is the one thing that truly bothers me out of it all because we met on that day and then married on that same day 5 years later. He says days and times meant nothing to him and he probably disnt realise it was that day when he was looking at porn. There were no times and days with porn.
He has said he knows it won't solve what he done, the damage he caused, which hes very sorry about, but we should renew our wedding vows on a different date and have that date as our new anniversary. I agree that is probably what needs to happen because I'm actually dreading feeling this year on year on that day. Its horrible to feel so angry and powerless over it. The kids keep me distracted and there is always plenty of washing to do, he helps out a lot more with all this since he's quit porn, even throwing himself in to do it all on certain days where I've been physically and mentally exhausted.
I already go counselling for my PTSD and I've told them about it all, they agree I have been traumatised by this also and that I need to process what has happened the same way I am with all of the other traumatic events in my life. I said to my mum yesterday it just feels never ending and almost daily events are happening at present that seem to tip me over the edge.
Can I ask how long any of you have been supporting your husband for and how long you've known, and more importantly if you found out or they owned up?

 

That's great to hear! Do you think about it every day still or did you ever think about it daily?

 

Thank you its not nice to hear but it is nice to hear all the same. I feel like I can openly talk about my feelings here. Every time I mention it to him his face screws up and I get the feeling he doesnt want to talk about it anymore. He said he is just dealing with it, not thinking about it. He was watching videos on Path which he said were useful but that lasted all of a week or 2 on and off. He said he thinks about it daily yet he doesnt talk to me or realise talking to me could help him. I feel like I need to detach to help myself get through this but once the love has gone what have I got left because the trust dwindled long ago.

I just read your reply to him and he accused me of calling him a predator. I've never said such a thing. I did say to him when I was angry after giving birth and finding out, while my hormones were still all over the place......
Your just as bad as the other men that have treated me badly or abused me. I think it is a form of mental abuse if they know the damage it is causing yet carry it on. I could be over reacting but now I feel like him ignoring it is just fighting the inevitable relapse and it's making me think even more.
I worry for our future at the moment and he says if that's the way you feel I should just leave.like wow thanks for damaging me so much and then wanting to leave because I cannot instantly forget this at this time.
The older kids are aware of what is going on, the younger kids hear us argue and get upset. None if this is fair on anyone.
So far I've not noticed any change apart from his anxiety has stopped (or lessend) enough for him to go back to work.

 

This is exactly my thought, going away from it, cutting it out is temporary) recovering you are taking active steps to get better, counselling or self therapy, taking with the one person who loves you unconditionally, your wife.
I cant imagine my life without him. I know he is going to relapse. My gut tells me he already has. I feel the gut feeling, I used to know when he has just vowed porn, it was obvious to me. He was much more snappy with everyone, like everything was too much to handle and he would just walk out, go for drive or what ever and leave me to fend for myself and kids and deal with everything basically. He relied on me a lot anyway so this was all just causing more strain because while I was suffering alone, he was watching porn in the bathroom, in the shed, sat in his digger at work etc. It was lit of control. To be honest I never really seen it as an issue myself until I seen the sheer volume he was watching. Sometimes he would watch 10 videos in a 2 minute period (so just flicking to best bits) then there's ones he would watch all of. No patterns, no preference, no masturbation just watching it.
Does your husband tell you about his recovery process and does he tell you straight away if he relapses?
My husband looks miserable like i forced him to stop, it makes me feel terrible. He looks sad now, not bright eyed, his looks and penis is still the same. I even feel for the first time ever I dont want to make love to him, I feel like we are just going through the motions for the sake of his relationship with the kids while they are small.

 

I felt extremely sad this morning. Women up late, switched alarms off, mum done school run while i lay in bed with 2 babies. I feel drained completely. It's not a nice feeling, feeling like a complete and utter bitch. I dont hate myself in hate that person. Yet this afternoon I was like a ray of sunshine when I got over my upset of our disagreement last night. He went to work feeling sad and after speaking with a few guys at work realised this is something that alot of them are addicted to. I'm just glad he is reaching out in what ever way he can. I will definitely look at the partner hope site. Thank you. Hugs to you too.xx

I explained what you said about sobriety and recovery earlier and he seemed to get it and that's when he talked about his conversation at work today. They are all at it at different levels in different ways. Its shocking really. I have a very inquisitive mind and am always looking for answers. I'm guessing the governments dont care about the issue of ED in men because after all the end goal is to cut the worlds population and i suppose this is one way of doing that without mass genocide! It really is a joke that it is taking over peoples minds. You sound like you and your husband have a really good solid grounding relationship. I feel like I know when he is going down thebskuppery slope towards relapse already, they cant hide the guilt in their eyes. Mine is also my best friend as inhave cut alot of friends out of my life that dragged me down over the years, he is the only person I can count on and be totally honest with. Sometimes my honesty is also my hindrance because I just come out with things and say it as it is, which i understand can seem quite brutal to him. I never mean to hurt his feelings and him me, it just happens that way as this is all still quite raw. Dealing with this from 2 weeks post birth. I knew when I was in labour he looked because i asked to use his phone to download a contraction counting app as my memory was full with thousands of pics of the kids and us. So before he passed me the phone he turned sideways and deleted his history before passing it to me. The day i gave birth he come home to get changed and to collect the kids and in his state of anxiety he reversed the car off the drive into one of our neighbours cars, so when he arrived at the hospital he was in a right state, and that's when I linked the anxiety to his addiction, I said what I thought was causing it but he didnt want to admit it because he knew I was an emotional wreck having had no sleep in 2 days and a new baby to care for. We then over the next few weeks got it discussed and agreed on him seeking any help. That has dwindled to barely nothing and because if that I feel he is not helping himself, which in turn is not helping our marriage. We both know it was down to the pregnancies and around the time of the first one 6 years ago he was so scared to have sex with me. He got a smart phone and it all became so easily accessible so it spiralled from there. After the 2nd pregnancy I found out and neither of us seen it as an issue. I knew he was doing it 3rd time, but he didnt know I knew and I just thought it would stop. The damage was already done. He says he tried so hard to stop by himself between the 2nd and 3rd baby but could never get past 19 days. His work is another big issue because it bores him, doesnt make him happy and he has no job satisfaction. I set up his business in car sales and repairs, where his passion is and what he is best at. I think its boredom and loneliness that triggers him as he has no real friends here in England. He was born and raised in Ireland and all his real friends are there and dotted around the world. I understand it's hard for him at times, especially as he has no males to confide in. Feel so sorry for him at times.xx

 

If we cant be honest, open and vulnerable with our SO then what hope have we got at being honest and open with society in general? It's a horrible feeling to close myself away in a little bubble of protection. It makes me very anxious.