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Need help - Fear of approaching girl

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by primo19, Jan 9, 2020.

  1. primo19

    primo19 Fapstronaut

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    When I finally started to believe in myself, flatline hit me hard. From about a week I feel like a numb corpse, I'm horribly depressed, my self esteem went down and I feel really bad... To be honest nearly every day I cry in the bathroom before and during taking a shower... I don't know what to do, all my motivation and builded up confidence was destroyed. I'm paralyzed with fear when I see that girl in school, I want to approach her, but I feel weak, maybe she will see me as that, this is not the best version of myself, level of anxiety inside of me is too big... On Sunday I wanted to text her and ask if she could speak with me in school for a minute, I write message, but I couldn't press the "send" button... I just couldn't. Fear taken control over me, I feel terrible knowing that I cannot control my own life...
     
    Washwaverr likes this.
  2. PhantomAssassin

    PhantomAssassin Fapstronaut

    I hope this helps you..

    Today I faced the same fear, I had a new colleague, which was a cute girl with amazing eyes. Since I saw her I wanted to confess, I wanted to ask her for her number, instagram, facebook etc. And all day I was avoiding her, until I've decided that I want to be clear with her and just told her to come with me.
    I told her everything I wanted and I got kindly rejected, but let me tell you bad feeling from rejection lasted an hour maybe two. After that I was feeling proud, I was still trying to talk with her even I got rejected.
    Moral of the story ?
    Face your fears, and the fact that you faced the fear will be more rewarding than lets say a number of a cute girl.You will remember your success after and you wont feel any pain for the rejection, I PROMISE.
     
  3. I understand you because I have also been 19 years old and it was like that. I am now 41.

    My advice is:
    0) This fear will be your whole life when you love a girl. It will not leave you never. We all men feel it. Do not be so hard and don't say bad words to yourself. Face it and control it.
    1) Although that girl is very beautiful, have an angel face, etc... poop and pee like all the humans. Don't forget that. Don't idealize her. It is unreal because she has defects like you and everyone. She doesn't like to be idealized because you don't allow her to be herself and know who is her "real version", is just your illusion. In the better of cases she becames in your girlfriend, she would not be the angel you imagined, just a normal person.
    2) So I recommend that you treat her like an ugly and fat man. With which you can laugh and have fun, and for share good and funny moments. Like as the rest of your friends.
    3) Dont think too much before talk with her. I insist, imagine that he is an ugly man. Would you give it so many thinkings before talking to him? For dont think to much, I recommend you do a lot of things and hobbies, or study, or job in your life. It's good for you and for your relation with her.
    4) Nofap is the key. Doing the challenge, your thinking changes in more positivity and more selfconfidence for talk with the women. When you do it, you are sure nobody of your friends are doing.
    5) And finally I recommend talk with the girl in the real live always as you can, forget the chats for talk with your possible girlfriends or your loves. Whatsapp destroys too much relationships. It's better be brave and try it. They like it better and you too. If she rejects you it's better than being two million hours looking the phone to see if she has readed your last message or not.
     
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2020
  4. Rev2.0

    Rev2.0 Fapstronaut

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    Here's the thing. All you literally have to do is get her talking about anything that halfway means something to her. Within three questions you can usually get her there and once she gets going, unless she's incredibly stuck up or shy, she'll just keep going and going. Do not interrupt her. (That's something I'm bad at.) Build the 2nd question off her first answer and the 3rd question (if you need it) off the second and be sure they aren't questions that can be answered yes or no. It also really helps if the questions have a strong emotional component. Women can't resist talking about their feelings and if you get them to associate emotions with you you are well on your way.
     
    251219 and primo19 like this.
  5. @Rev2.0 hahaha Also are you reading about seduction, PUA, etc...? Since I met nofap I watched many videos and read a lot about how to seduce women. Your words sound like as them :D:D:D
     
  6. Rev2.0

    Rev2.0 Fapstronaut

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    In fact, I have! As a recovering Nice Guy as well as PMO addict I am having to literally reverse everything I have believed and all of my behavior patterns concerning women--patterns which in my case have been 40 years in the making. As a married man I am certainly not the PUA's target audience but I have taken from them what resonates with me. I have tried the 3 questions approach on various women (with no wish nor intent if seducing them) and it absolutely works.
     
    251219, SirWanksalot and lavandero like this.
  7. PhantomAssassin

    PhantomAssassin Fapstronaut

    I belive that we as man have to learn it the hard way, not by reading something called "How to seduce a women" Its like cheating life. Like stealing. Not how I chose to live my life

    Once you go out and start trying yourself:
    First- it is going to be 100% more natural
    Second- it will be harder aswell
    Third- most improtantly you will find your own personal way, not playing some kind of tricks and not being genuine. YOUR WAY !
     
    Deleted Account and primo19 like this.
  8. BecomeMaster

    BecomeMaster Fapstronaut

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    Holy smokes, this is really good advice. When approaching her, imagine that her beauty means nothing, and that she is a plain old man. It helps you treat her normally, and you can laugh and talk the same.
     
    primo19, Washwaverr and lavandero like this.
  9. For seduce them, it's better share good and bad emotions, good moments with them, and be yourself than say them all the time compliments or idealize them and treat as princessess.

    Easier said it than done it, but do nofap is still harder and we are here :cool:
     
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2020
    primo19 and BecomeMaster like this.
  10. Pedro Neto

    Pedro Neto Fapstronaut

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  11. Pedro Neto

    Pedro Neto Fapstronaut

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    Hello guys I am 19 year old and I have fear of approaching and talking to girls . I get really scared to talk to girls. I think I overthink or I think of myself as ugly because of many white hairs I have. Does white hairs are turnoff
     
  12. Girls look for character traits mostly. Attractiveness is an indication of good character traits because it indicates good genes on the basis that undesirable character traits have been rooted out because of reproduction with only the most attractive/desirable women.

    Now attractiveness is generally dictated by facial structure such as the right proportions. White hair shouldn't be a turnoff unless it's completely obvious and even then facial structure, posture and character traits such as confidence and intelligence would have priority.

    In other words women don't care about looks to the extent of how you make them feel.

    If you make them feel safe it shows confidence.

    If you make them laugh it shows calmness and control but also intelligence.

    You have to remember women are wired differently. They are selective. You don't have to change yourself for a specific woman. You have to improve yourself physically and mentally to attract better women and then you can take your pick. She will say yes if she can't do better and no if she can. But most importantly you have to understand your self worth.

    So if I were you I wouldn't really worry about your grey hairs before you work on your posture, eye contact and social skills.

    Think traits. The more positive traits you have, the larger pool of women you attract.
     
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  13. SirWanksalot

    SirWanksalot Fapstronaut

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    @primo19 Hey man, have been where you are and also have been "through the mill" so to speak.
    A lot of good stuff has been said so far but also A LOT of BS.
    Just as a pointer for you from someone who has a few more years of experience in this, in this thread the advice from the older guys that I have read is going to serve you MUCH more than what I read in some of the other posts here (especiallly the stuff with putting your dog before your women for example as a rigid hierarchie.... jesus....).

    Of course advice from someone else never applies to your personal circumstances 100% but the stuff from @lavandero for example sums it up quite nicely.

    And it is totally fine to get input and learn from outside sources and then mold it and apply it to your own life. There is no way around learning from your own real life experience in the end, but you can learn a lot faster if you get some pointers from others and see for yourself how those apply and make sense to you. Whether that is books, courses, coaching, this forum or friends. It's not cheating at all but the smart man's way to do it and you can go a lot further a lot faster that way.

    Hope that helps and wishing you the very best man!
     
    primo19 likes this.
  14. Pedro Neto

    Pedro Neto Fapstronaut

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    Hey man, when I want to a approach girl I get all tensed serious anxiety comes how to stop this . And make the first approach
     
    Washwaverr likes this.
  15. Pedro Neto

    Pedro Neto Fapstronaut

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    [Hello guys I am very talkative person among boys when it comes to girl I am very unconfident and go into self analysis how to stop this and be more comfortable among women.
     
  16. Pedro Neto

    Pedro Neto Fapstronaut

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    Man how to talk to girl when you are ass torn afraid.how to overcome this fear and steps should be taken to start talking to girls and be more comfortable and confident.
     
  17. Pedro Neto

    Pedro Neto Fapstronaut

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    Man what steps should be taken to talk to girls for first time in life.I have problem of confidence , my confidence goes down among women because I have white hair.How to talk to girls and be more comfortable among women
     
  18. Pedro Neto

    Pedro Neto Fapstronaut

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    How to stop getting nervous around girls man.And hot aunties and big sisters.
     
  19. 251219

    251219 Fapstronaut

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    @primo19 first of all thank you for raising this topic, as it is one of the most commonly discussed among guys. I have read all the comments before and, while most of them are really inspiring and helpful, some others are misleading to say the least.

    Approach anxiety is absolutely normal, especially at your age. Approach anxiety is something that WE ALL EXPERIENCE in life and it will never disappear completely. What we can do, just as with any other fear, is to put ourselves in the condition to challenge this fear and LEARN TO FEEL IT AND LIVE WITH IT. As someone else here said already, fears come from everything we don't know or we haven't experienced yet. Pushing yourself out of the comfort zone is THE ONLY WAY to minimise the impact that such fear has on you.

    Imagine that you suffer from vertigo but you would love to bungee jumping or skydiving. The first time you are there and it's time to jump you will feel terrified, unable to move and the only thing you will like to do is to escape from there and come back where you felt "safe". HOWEVER, if you stop listening to your brain and jump anyway, you'll blame yourself for not having tried before. The next time, when it's time to jump again, YOU WILL BE STILL SCARED, but your previous experience will push you to do it again, and again, till the day YOU WILL BE USED TO FEEL SCARED and you also will love it because will make you feel ALIVE!

    Same story with girls. We all got rejected in life. And you know what? Rejections had NO IMPACT in my life, the girls I had did. Of course it hurts at the beginning, we take it personal even if the girl knew anything about us and maybe rejected us just because 10 other guys tried miserably already on that day, or because she had an argument at home and was nervous or whatever. 99% of times a girl rejects it has nothing to do with the person you are and if she only knew all your qualities, she would have thought twice before saying "no thanks".

    Like someone else said before, it is much better to risk a 1-hour "pain" than having LIFELONG REGRETS. Just think about this: if you start approaching girls, you will get rejections AND you will also find girls who like you. If you don't approach anyone, you will get zero rejections, but you will leave out there those girls who would find you interesting and attractive!

    I said "interesting and attractive", not good looking. We guys evaluate the look much more than girls, who also might disagree a lot on how a good-looking guy is supposed to look like. So don't get obsessed if you have white hair (like someone wrote before) or you're skinny, or you don't have the six-pack. Being fit and good looking helps just because SHOWS SELF-RESPECT, which is something that girls love. Also, being an handsome guy can be totally useless if you're not able to provide the girl with any emotion. Last but not the least, you don't want next to you a girl who rejects you without even knowing you. So if she does it, for sure she does not deserve you.

    Finally, just go back to that girl. If you ignor her, most probably she will think she has done/said something wrong, or might think you're not that interested after all. Talk to her, don't create movie-based expectations in your mind: life is very different. Just be "normal", you have no idea how many girls are looking for someone who is just not needy, not pretending to be someone else, not a "yes man" and doesn't try too much. We are not meant to stay with everyone, if you have to try too much or commit too much of yourself and your personality to please someone, then that person is just not good for you and you shouldn't be scared to be rejected by such person.
     
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2020
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  20. SirWanksalot

    SirWanksalot Fapstronaut

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    Very well put, especially the part "We all got rejected in life. And you know what? Rejections had NO IMPACT in my life, the girls I had did." Very true and very powerful.
    Thanks for putting in the time and energy to put some more grounded perspective in here as opposed to a lot of the other stuff.
    Also sounds like you have experience with meditation. Did I catch that right?
     

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