1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

How Do I Kill My Perverted Alter Ego?

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Deleted Account, Jan 30, 2020.

  1. TRIGGER AND GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS WARNING
    I DO NOT WANT ANY OF YOU TO RELAPSE AFTER READING THIS THREAD


    If you have a NoFap account, you are most likely wanting to quit from porn or sexual addictions. You also need to find brothers (and sisters) in arms to help you out.

    I can certainly say that a lot of you are having a double life. You know what I'm talking about. A secret identity. A second personality. An alter ego, I might say. Unfortunately, this alter ego is not a superhero at all. It's literally the exact opposite.

    I have been stuck in this shithole called porn addiction for 7 years now. Life has been horrible. When I am not watching porn, I'm just a normal guy with a constant surge of social anxiety. I can still socialize normally, but there are times where I can feel my muscles on my body being tense for no real reason at all when talking to someone. When I'm at my bedroom in front of my computer or smartphone feeling bored or stressed, that's where I put on the "mask" and start doing my villainous activities; watching porn and wanking off until I ejaculate.

    I noticed that these two Daves (Dave is my name by the way) are two different people who inhabit the same body. The Dave who goes to work every day and socialize with other people is a person who respects women. He treats them well, he believes in female empowerment, and he will never sexually assault any of them at all. He only uses profanity when he's speaking with his close friends, because you know, it's a normal thing. He is also not a fan of violence as well. If he gets to have sex one day, it's gonna be a consensual, intimate activity, with none of that hardcore stuff from porn. The Dave who watches porn when he gets the chance is well.... An asshole. He likes to see women getting sexually abused. Stripped. Raped. Humiliated. He doesn't believe in female empowerment because his favorite porn subgenre is superheroine porn. These superheroines who are supposed to be the symbol of emancipation, girl power, and feminism are only meant to be fucked and enslaved in his mind (okay, I am so sorry if the description is too detailed. This is simply how I write). He likes to hear the screams and cries of women in porn, tied up and abused by guys.

    I am still trying to find a way to kill this alter ego. Getting rid of him from this body of mine for good. Because sometimes, the line between our separate lives gets blurred. There was a time when I had a desire to have sex with my cousin when I saw her during a family gathering (which is a social event, meaning pervert-Dave should have been inactive during this whole thing). I literally started typing incest porn on my phone after she passed by. This is totally fucked up! I am not some hillbilly redneck who marries his first cousin and make babies with her! Thankfully normal-Dave snapped back and regained control of my body. I was terrified when it happened. There were numerous occasions where I could easily commit sexual harassment on her (like grabbing her ass) and create a scene. My parents and her parents would be furious and things would never be the same in our family. Thankfully I was still able to control myself.

    Another case is my time back in high school. In the popularity hierarchy, I was pretty much in the middle. Definitely not a jock, but not a loser nerd as well. I never expected to be able to have long conversations with the popular girls in my school. But I was wrong. Back in 11th grade, many of the popular girls turned out to be my classmates. Surprisingly, I managed to have a good friendship with them. I'm not particularly close to any of them, but our interactions are never awkward. Like all popular girls in high schools, of course they are attractive. Many of them already have boyfriends (who are also popular and attractive, obviously). Like I said before, normal-Dave is very respectful towards women. I often lower my gaze when they wear something too revealing. They also genuinely made me happy, since I never thought these popular girls are actually down-to-earth and super chill when they talk to me. However, the other me, pervert-Dave, only sees them as sex objects. I lost count at how many times I fantasize about having sex with them, consensual or not. One of them is particularly very attractive, and she ended up becoming my favorite plaything in my twisted imagination. In real life, she's very friendly to me. I fucking hate myself for having this thought.

    This duality of mine is definitely not a unique case. I am simply telling my story. I know you guys out there have similar experiences as well. I would like to open a discussion about getting rid of this inner demon inside of us forever.
     
  2. red gyarados

    red gyarados Fapstronaut

    205
    226
    43
    honestly I think if you tone it down a bit you can just own it. There’s women living double lives too after all
     
  3. Saying you have alter ego is an attempt to shift responsibility, you are not willing to accept that you may have these qualities and that you can be "bad" so you repackage them as "Another Dave".
    This is a coping mechanism, most commonly and most significantly expressed during traumatic events, people say "i would never do such a thing" it was not me.
    You can not kill that other Dave, you have to integrate Dave in to who you are, its your behavior and you are doing it so you have to be responsible for it, not "other Dave".
    Fragmenting your personality helps you cope but it brings verity of issues.
     
  4. Randy Andy

    Randy Andy Fapstronaut

    382
    424
    63
    Hi Dave,
    My name is Andrew and I'm a pm+ addict who hasn't had to use any form of porn any form of sex with self or any form of sex with partners other than one spouse for 2515 days today.
    This post about the alter ego reminded me a lot of the story of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Even if you've read it before or just heard it you might want to reread it, I did so a year ago from the perspective of addiction and it's a real eye opener. There a couple little hints in there that are easy for not addicts to miss but you'll catch them instantly because they are really uncanny when laid up against what you just wrote.
    I really identify with that truth you have noticed in yourself, there are two Andrews in one skin, one wants to kill the other. I am kept free.
    I noticed in the op a lot of objective medical language and some euphemisms, the latter are ways mr Hyde gets you thinking he's you, I call it "lusting out loud" when he tricks us into letting him out "just a little" :). For almost a decade Ive been practicing using medical language such as "glutes" it is not even close to the whole solution but it's a baby step to take early because it gets me disidentified from Mr Hyde. Basically talking like a porn star didn't help me get any freedom from watching prn stars when the real Andrew swore he wouldn't. I was participating in my betrayal because I thought that was just how I talked and write and thought and felt and blah blah I'm very glad to usually get to see through the lies in my head now. Not on my own, it's not anything special about me.
    Obviously there's a way to live free indefinitely but in my case it took switching from "kill it" to a very different way of being. I tried very hard to kill it, using several weapons, and it ended up looking like that was going to take killing this body I inhabit, which I sometimes considered after using pm+ and feeling the emptiness of that. But I think there's a better way, that's why I'm still around to type this :). It's hard to even talk about because we all have a Mr Hyde talking in our head twisting everything around ad nauseum, actively sabotaging every helpful idea. One of its favorite tricks is setting up what you mentioned: dualities. I talked with a very wise person and mentioned I was an addict and they seem to have assumed I meant I was acting out still. I can see why someone would think that but it's a fundamentally different understanding of even the word addict than I have experientially. And it could be the same here, when I say I don't fight it there's naturally the assumption that I go along with it but that's not what I do either. It's amazing how firmly we can live in t"options there are no other possibilities," that's duality. There's another way, a third option, a way out. It can seem like Hyde is blocking the only exit so my options are fight him or stay imprisoned but there's another way. Hidden in plain sight: the original star wars movies and many other movies talk about it, there are several books about it, it's hidden in plain sight. Sometimes it even gets talked about here on nofap :). But most people don't want to stop fighting, I didn't until I did. And many people aren't to the point of needing that they just need to tone down the pm+ like a heavy drinker who just needs to cut back. The addict is a divided self and one of the ways we tend to feel pulled apart by wild horses is "I can do it!" Then "don't be stupid of course I can't" then "but if I try X...!" That's fine that's normal, if that process lands on something that works great! If not maybe I can help.
     
    Davekransberg likes this.
  5. Man, I know what you mean about feeling like 2 different people in 1 body. I feel like bad me starts fires and good me has to try to put them out.

    This is messed up but I think a lot of guys were attracted to a cousin when they were horny teens. Me nor most acted on it, but I know I’ve had shameful thoughts and such of an older very affectionate cousin and I still struggle with it unfortunately.

    The good news is we can heal our bad selves so there’s only one person in there.
     
    Davekransberg likes this.
  6. dragonaire

    dragonaire Fapstronaut

    430
    397
    63
    Both of em are YOU, the "socially accepted" Dave is the version of u that's fearful of rejection and who is like a scared boy that think the world is a jungle out there.

    .

    The other side of you, the guy who is an "asshole" is also part of you, a part of you that has been repressed due to fear and anxiety.



    Both of em are the extreme opposite of the other. Get em together in a "ying / yang" balance: some white in the black and some black in the white.

    [​IMG]


    Reach that balance and then you will find out why "women prefer assholes". Those assholes are quite balanced within their fullness of character, for good or bad, and thats shown in their confidence towards people and challenges

    [​IMG]
     
    Knighthawk likes this.
  7. Yes, I know this so-called "pervert-Dave" is still me, Dave. He still share the same similarities with the other guy. The reason I wrote this thread is to understand my behaviors when it comes to consuming porn. Think of it like a self therapy. Thank you for pointing this out anyway.
     
    Knighthawk likes this.
  8. Andrew, thank you for sharing your story. I am well aware of the comparisons made with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde when I was writing this thread. However, I still don't quite understand about the "a way out" aspect. Does that mean I need to contain "pervert-Dave" so he wouldn't be able to show up?
     
  9. Dude, you just gave me another idea! What if I replace pervert-Dave with someone like, I dunno, Heisenberg-Dave? If you watched Breaking Bad, you'll get it.

    Dave, well, the normal me is not exactly the most articulate person. He also doesn't know how to intimidate people when he needs to. Just like Walter White before season 4 (after that Heisenberg pretty much took over his body).

    If I could take the good attributes from pervert-Dave and put it into a new alter ego, I'm gonna have an easier life. Yes, even this Dave has some good things in him. For example, he could stay up all night and tirelessly searching for the perfect video or picture to fap to. This "dedication and hardwork" to reach his "dreams" would be motivating had I use it for the right purpose. He's also fearless when it comes to finding ways to watch porn. He knows free proxy sites are actually dangerous and could compromise his internet safety, but he doesn't care. He just wants his fix. Again, this is a good trait if used for the right purpose.

    Believe it or not, I've put a picture of Heisenberg sketch on my cupboard in the past few months. It serves as a reminder for me to be more confident, fearless, articulate, and ruthless if needed. Normal-Dave is a pushover who prefer to avoid conflict. But this Heisenberg-Dave is exactly what I need to get things done.

    What I need to do is fire (and beat the shit out of) pervert-Dave and fill in the void with Heisenberg-Dave.
     
  10. dragonaire

    dragonaire Fapstronaut

    430
    397
    63
    No. Accept Perv-Dave and accept Good-Dave. Both of em will control the other.

    Perv-dave will give Good-Dave the spark he needs. And Good-Dave will put a leash on Perv-Dave when he gets unnapropiate.

    But the most important thing u must remember is: both are YOU

    Dont become a fragmented self. That would be the cause of serious psychological issues if u fragment urself that way
     
  11. dragonaire

    dragonaire Fapstronaut

    430
    397
    63
  12. Yeah I might want to change the name tho. Perv-Dave doesn't sound that great haha
     
  13. As people already mentioned, your Bad Dave is just a part of yourself that you tried to bury deep inside of your psyche but who resurfaces from time to time.

    You have to acknowledge that part of yourself, clearly identify it and reintegrate it within yourself.

    Don't be scared to do that. It does not mean you will have to live a double life forever or that you should indulge in your perversions or act them out. It means thst by understanding yourself truly, you will be able to develop healthy coping mechanisms to satisfy that unacknowledged primal part of yourself.

    I advise you to read about Carl Jung (student of Freud) and his theory on the Shadow (the It, aka your Primal Self) and the Ego (your Cognitive Self).
     
  14. Interesting. Thanks for telling me about Carl Jung.
     
  15. I pointed this out because it is not trivial.
    We often employ segmentation of our personality in order to maintain sanity, but if you segment yourself you have to later spend time to reflect and recombine everything back in to one coherent personality.
    Very few people spend the time to do this work.

    Person may get angry and say "f** you" turn around and leave. They later feel like doing that was inappropriate, but they did it, so what gives? Internal conflict emerges.
    To avoid accepting, internalizing, and integrating the fact they did what they did, individual segments his personality and in essence says "I am good but I have bad part that sometimes takes over, its evil part and I cant control it", Its that bad Dave's fault not my fault.
    You can notice this pattern in the apology people give, people will often say - I got angry and that is why I acted this way, I lost control, I did not want to.
    At face value these apologies imply that although individual is sorry, it is not his fault, its because of some factor outside of his control. And people do not notice this absence of accountability.
    They are then shocked to see same behavior again, with same excuse - "its was not me, not my fault, you got me angry..."

    To be relevant to the forum, I will point out that many people that want to improve their lives in general give similar sounding reasons for why they have failed - "I am a good person but porn, masturbation and fill in the blank make me fail"
    This gradually evolves in to beliefs like "as long as I am using pornography I am stupid", "if I masturbate I cant be rich", "I can not be successful if I use porn"
    The danger of these beliefs is not only that they affect you psychologically, but that fact that people do not even try.

    So condensed idea is that we fragment personality in order to avoid negative consequences and responsibility for our actions or events we experience.
    If you were going 20 miles over speed limit and got a ticket, you get upset, because obviously police officer is an asshole, and you are good but you just got carried way, because - "I was going over a hill and then the car rolled and I got a call as I was overtaking another guy, there was a turn and this cop was there, he obviously just needed to meet his quota. I ultimately I am great but all of these circumstances I was placed in, plus this cop - they were the cause, I will just move all of this outside of my responsibility. It is funny to listen to these attempts to avoid responsibility.
    No, you were stupid to go 20 over the limit and you paid the price, accept it and say - I acted stupid, wont do that again.
     
    Optimum Fortitude and Knighthawk like this.
  16. TheHeavy

    TheHeavy Fapstronaut

    29
    25
    18
    If you or anyone else reading this in the future are interesting in "getting rid" of parts of yourself, It's 100 percent possible, but not in the way you think.

    There's an evidence based therapy to do this, and you can do it on your own. Look up Dr. Richard Schwartz, (Specifically the audiobook titled "Greater than the Sum of Our Parts"
     

Share This Page