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New start. Scary but I need it

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by FightorFreeze, Oct 3, 2019.

  1. FightorFreeze

    FightorFreeze Fapstronaut

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    Hello and good evening. No idea if anyone reads this actually. Can I check this somewhere? It does feel a bit lonely here sometimes :)

    Today I've had a day off. I went to see the physiotherapist for my back pain. I had dry needling and he cracked my back a bit. Next week a manual therapist will work on it. I have quite some pain and haven't had a good night sleep since a month. So I hope that will go over soon. I do have some exercises I do during the day a couple of times. It keeps me busy at least. And actually that is something I need. Not specifically today or anything. But doing physical exercises is on my to-do list to keep my mind away from P. Those exercises are something I can easily do whenever I want to.
    Today was a good day. Enough to do in and around the house. Chores... Now I will finish this post and relax on the couch with my wife.
     
  2. Hi @FightorFreeze!

    Yep, been there many times before. There are multiple levels of relapse, and by the time you engage PMO, you've already crossed multiple boundaries, mostly in your head.

    What other things do you have in your life to help in your recovery? Many recommend 12-step groups or celebrate recovery. I've found IRL friends to be helpful; I meet with a few each week. I would also take care not to burden your wife with being your sole accountability resource; you risk burning her out after a while.

    I'm here :) I think a lot of people lurk until something really resonates or they have something specific to say. So keep posting; you never know how you'll help someone!
     
  3. FightorFreeze

    FightorFreeze Fapstronaut

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    I just had a talk with my wife about friends. Or the lack of any. We finished this conversation like a minute ago and then I read this.
    I don't really have any IRL friends. It's like I have no idea any more on how to find friends or maintain a friendship. It's super weird because I can get along very well with people and up until my 26th I always had some friends I talked to regularly. Now it's just me and my wife.
    The last couple of years have been really tough with the babies (now kids) coming into our lives. Post partum depression of my wife and our struggle to find a way to have enough energy to go through the day. I also often felt like I couldn't leave my wife alone for longer than I had to because being a stay home mom was really tough on her. We are doing pretty good now... almost five years later. It's time to step out of this cycle of staying home, not meeting anyone and just doing the things we've been doing for the last years.
    I think it's healthy to have friends. But how to find them... We did find a church we want to visit more often. So if we commit to this we will get involved more. Might check that out a bit more.
    I haven't looked into any groups to help me with my recovery. I did used to go to one about ten years ago. And I know of accountability partners, but since I barely know people around here (we moved here about a year ago) I wouldn't know how to get started on that.

    I do notice the subject of friends does make me think about it more. So thanks for mentioning it.

    I am really tired now. I had a very busy shift at work. I am a social worker. Feels a bit stupid to tell just after talking about how I don't have any friends. But this is how it is. I do know a lot about helping other people and I really love my work and enjoy helping my clients. And sometimes I need some help too. :)
     
    mrtumnus likes this.
  4. Ifeeltoo

    Ifeeltoo Fapstronaut

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    Hello! I don't ever really post on these forums, I lurk rather than talk!

    I just wanted to say how lovely I think it is that you are trying your very best for you and your family's future. The sound of your honesty with your wife is wonderful and I am sure she really appreciates it.

    My Significant Other has had a problem with P since we first got together 15 years ago, although I think for longer than that. In the last 2 years it has been very difficult and I have been guilty of not addressing it. I know it goes on because I feel the highs and lows of our connection (he becomes so distant when P occurs and it hurts so much). I have found a new home but have yet to get internet connected because I associate it with the destruction of our intimacy.

    Please keep going and I am glad that you enjoy your job so much, we need more good people in the world. :)
     
    FightorFreeze likes this.
  5. FightorFreeze

    FightorFreeze Fapstronaut

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    @Ifeeltoo Thanks for reading and replying. Your situation is really tough. I'm not one to give great advice but I really hope for him and for you that he can break the cycle of this addiction.
    I can imagine you don't feel like getting your new home connected to the internet. It might feel like you want to keep this house 'clean' of the dirt that is addiction and all the lieing and hiding and being untruthful. For me I noticed that eventually there had to come a point where my wife just didin't accept it anymore. I knew we would eventually reach that point sooner or later. It's a stupid lie I told myself that it was ok as long as I didn't talk about it. But all it did was hurt our relationship even if it wasn't obvious. I hope you two can work it out and he might even join this forum. It really works for me.

    Today I had a crazy day at work again. I am glad I can talk to my wife about it now. It's so much better talking with her since I am open about my addiction. I don't feel guilty all the time while talking to her anymore.
    I got home in time to say goodnight to our kids and help put them to bed. It's really adorable and intensely beautiful when my little girl tells me she loves me just before going to sleep.
    I asked a friend of me to meet over the weekend. Sadly he isn't able to this weekend. But at least I took a step by asking. Since yesterday, the post of @mrtumnus and the talk I had with my wife I am more aware of the importance of investing in friendship.
     
    Ifeeltoo and mrtumnus like this.
  6. FightorFreeze

    FightorFreeze Fapstronaut

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    Hey there, good evening. I didn't have time to post here yesterday. Today I almost forgot... Let's not go down that road again.
    So I had a good day. I went swimming with our kids and spent quite some time with them this morning as well. It's nice to have a weekend off. Especially after the last three days at work. Those were really crazy. I just started this new job and it's really tough with the clients at this place. I'm not sure I can handle this and I hope I will get through my first month without failing too hard. For now my new colleagues are happy with me. So that's good. I do get anxious about it. It feels like I have a lot to prove at work but that might not be the case. It's a tough job no matter who does it.

    All in all things are going well on the P and M side of life. I only had a brief moment today in which I felt a bit of urge towards it. I could easily set it aside and focus on other things.
    Now I'm off to bed.
     
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2020
  7. FightorFreeze

    FightorFreeze Fapstronaut

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    Hello and good evening.
    Sunday. So today we got around to going to church again. We try to go every week but with my work and sometimes with family gatherings we skip a week. We go to a new place and we really like it and also not important: the kids like it.
    We talked to some people and agreed on meeting in a couple of weeks.
    This afternoon my wife reminded me off some things she wanted to put up on the wall. We already agreed to do that together this weekend. It was quite annoying because I tried drilling holes but the eventual hole didn't line up the way we wanted and another hole got way too big because of pebbles in the concrete. So that's when I got really annoyed. My wife pointed it out... not the most fun thing that happened today... So that moment I realised I had to do something else for a moment in order to cool of. When I finally cooled of we continued and actually finished the project. It really does look great and it really makes my wife happy. So I'm glad we did it. My wife's got a good eye for making the house more homely.
    The rest of the day I went to play outside with the kids, cut my sons hair and cooked dinner. We have a good way of dividing the tasks at hand nowadays. So all went well.

    This evening there was a moment in which I got tempted to watch P. It was lingering for a bit and got triggered by and advertisement on my mobile phone. I didn't give in to it but I don't like the way it lingered. I really had to make a choice then and there. I'm glad I just put the thing away and went to do something else. And I'm glad that I post here about it. Just a few minutes ago I felt like it wasn't that important and didn't had to write it down. But that feels like lying to myself.
     
  8. FightorFreeze

    FightorFreeze Fapstronaut

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    Good evening.
    Today I had some trouble with staying clean of P and M. There were some ads on my mobile phone that kept bugging me and. Every time I picked up my phone or had some 'down time' today my thoughts wondered in this direction. I told my wife about it tonight. She actually knew this option on the phone to turn this particular app off. I thought it wasn't possible to turn off because I thought it was firmware. I was actually wondering on how I could ever use my phone ever again without being tempted.
    It bugs me that some stupid app like this keeps bugging me all day long and actually makes it really hard for me to stay clean.

    My wife and I also talked about me not really having real friends I can confide in and I regularly visit or anything. I told her it's wise to find some people to talk with and especially to have some kind of accountability partner. She understands and agrees this would be wise. I hope to find someone for this in the church we've been visiting lately.

    The rest of the day was nice. I do have a terrible pain in my back by now though. I am glad I have an appointment with my physiotherapist tomorrow.
    I will go to bed after this post. I'll see you soon.
     
  9. FightorFreeze

    FightorFreeze Fapstronaut

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    Hello again. I am checking in at the start of this evening. I am alone at home so I thought I could just chill tonight. But to make sure that's possible it's important to focus. I want to post here before doing other stuff with the possibility of getting triggered. I might still get triggered but at least I am more conscious about it now. That makes it easier to handle.

    Today I had a day off again. I have to work this coming weekend. Nothing much special going on today. Spent time with the kids and with my wife. We're both pretty tired now because we are potty training our youngest and that means we are cleaning up after him A LOT. He absolutely doesn't know when it's going to hit him so one moment he's just playing and the next moment he does his 'stance'. No way of stopping at that point. O well... we'll manage. I think my wife and I are responding very well to it. It's just how it goes. But it's annoying sometimes.
    Look at me. Rambling about potty training my kid. Not really the usual stuff on this forum I guess. Sorry for that ;-) And I'll see you tomorrow.
     
  10. FightorFreeze

    FightorFreeze Fapstronaut

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    Good evening once again.
    Last week I felt horrible. Some stuff at work triggers my feeling of being not good enough. I really started doubting myself and my skills and years of experience. It felt horrible.
    That day I had a weak moment and just in a matter of seconds opened P website. I scrolled down it and felt even more worthless. Nothing happened, didn't M in any way. I closed the website within a minute and felt stupid about it. The thought about not sharing this popped up and I indeed did not go onto the forum that day. In the evening though I did mention it to my wife. We just talked about what kept my mind busy because I was obviously worried about the stuff at work.
    The day after I got sick. That was friday. Today I'm finally feeling better. And for me being sick felt like the best excuse not to come to this forum. Obviously it was just because I didn't want to talk about what happened.
    Anyway. Being sick does have the up side that I really am not in any way interested in anything P or M related. My wife and kids were sick as well so we were just trying to get through the day hour by hour.
    Really got to work on that thing I have that I can feel pretty worthless sometimes. It's not a rational thought and it's not true. But it is really hard to get out of that train of thougt or state of mind. Sharing helps... I'm glad I got my wife for that. She also gave me some advice on writing things down in a certain way to figure out what's going on.
     
  11. FightorFreeze

    FightorFreeze Fapstronaut

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    Good evening. Today I could relax a bit and do some chores and study for work. The kids were to school for half a day. I finished an exam that I studied for the last couple weeks. I'm happy that's done.
    In the afternoon our son wasn't having his best day... He was screaming about pretty much everything and just didn't want to use any words. Seen his age that's not really surprising but we hadn't seen it this bad for a while now. But we endured. I'm happy we were both home so we could help each other out. When he finally was showered and ready for bed he calmed down a lot and he's his cute little self again. That's a good way to end the day... and start the evening for us. :)

    Nothing much happened this day. I had a nice day.
     
  12. FightorFreeze

    FightorFreeze Fapstronaut

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    Good evening.
    My day at work was a lot better than what I had last week. I'm glad I get to experience some easier to handle days and get used to this job a bit more. I still feel like I'm quite a way off of the level that I want to be at but at least I have been making steps. The negative thoughts still try to pull me towards P though. That's a downside and at least very clear sign that it is still bugging me. But at least I didn't give in. I still feel bad from last week and I did recognize it for what it is now in stead of not expecting or understanding it.

    I will be off to bed soon. I'm tired and since I've been sick I haven't had a good night's rest. I always wake up sweating or because I'm feeling cold. No in between apparently.
     
  13. FightorFreeze

    FightorFreeze Fapstronaut

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    Good evening. Yesterday I was so tired after work I didn't take time to site behind the pc and just went to bed early. I slept well and only woke up twice during the night. I needed that :)
    Today I went to pick up a car we can use for a couple of months as long as the relative is away. I had to travel for three and a half hour to get to the other side of the country and drive back almost two hours. So it's been a bit boring today. But I'm happy we get to have a car for this long. We don't own one ourselves because I used to have a job that's only 15 minutes of cycling and now I have a job that I can easily reach by train.

    The last two days have been really good at work. I am glad things are turning for the better. I do get to feel like I handle things a lot better and this new job suits me better. It's a lot less stressful and I enjoy myself more. I am not 'there' yet, but it's going better. I talked to an old colleague/friend about it yesterday and she did have some good insights. She also knows a lot about me and how I work. That helped me out. I experience less stress about it.
    I do have to be careful with myself and my mobile phone when I'm all alone at home. It feels like I'm still a bit tempted to look up P and I have to actively reject that and go do something else. Just like right now. So first is this forum and then other stuff and maybe later watch a movie with my wife. We'll see.

    See you tomorrow.
     
  14. FightorFreeze

    FightorFreeze Fapstronaut

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    Good evening. Yesterday I went to see a friend and had a nice evening. Got home a bit late so I didn't come to the forum anymore.
    We went to church again yesterday and we decided to join this church. That way we will get to know more people and we can join a bible study group. I think that's a good thing to do. We haven't been in a bible study group for quite some years. Over ten years ago I was still in a student group and was in a bible study group every two weeks. After that we did join a group that came together occasionally. I actually quite miss it and I think it's important to talk to other people about our faith.

    Today I went to work. When I got there my colleagues were surprised to see me there. Apparently I forgot to change my agenda because I switched shifts with another colleague. So I didn't have to work today. That was a bit stupid but at least I got to prepare some stuff for later this week and still worked for two hours. Tomorrow I'll have a late shift and I won't come online.
    I still notice I feel insecure about my job and how I perform. It still triggers me but at least I know what's happening.
    I'm off to bed now. I am really tired.
     
  15. FightorFreeze

    FightorFreeze Fapstronaut

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    I had a good day today. My last couple of shifts at work felt a lot better and I do start to get the hang of things there. I talked to my colleagues about what has been bothering me and things I notice about the work environment and how people react to each other. I got some good advice and had a good time working. I notice that I really needed that.
    I did get home really tired though so I slept for a bit this afternoon. I'm glad I could. I will be off to bed soon as well.
    I do notice the self-doubt does draws me towards P and giving into it. I do have a harder time but I keep myself busy doing other things. That is a bit hard when I am tired but so far so good. I hope the coming weeks I will start to feel more at ease with my job and get less frustrated. I really want to be able to deal with these negative thoughts more but I am having a hard time with it. Talking about it does seem to help a bit.
     
  16. FightorFreeze

    FightorFreeze Fapstronaut

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    Good evening. I'm glad I finally got some spare time and can come on the forum again. Of course it's always a choice what to do during the day but I'm used to come here in the evenings now.
    I've been doing well at work. It's not going exactly as planned but I do what I can. I notice I get to know my colleagues a bit better and the get to know me a bit more. That makes work a lot more fun and interesting.
    I still notice the stress from work makes my mind wander towards P faster. I am happy I can still dismiss these thoughts and not give in to it.
    I feel a bit tired because of the long shifts and little sleep I had the last week or so. So I will be going to bed early. Looking forward to it :)
     
  17. FightorFreeze

    FightorFreeze Fapstronaut

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    Good evening. I am very happy to notice things are going much better at work. I really needed to lower my own expectations/my own bar. I see now I don't have to do everything perfect and on my own. That was quite obvious since I work in a team with 15 people... but hey... that's what I do. I talked to some colleagues about what I see and experience in this new job and they respond very well. We really get to understand each other and get to really work together. I feel a lot better now.

    Today I had some things to do in and around the house. It's nice to keep busy and not spend too much time watching series or youtube or stuff like that. I think it's more soothing to be busy using my hands and it definitely distracts me from any thoughts of P.
     
  18. FightorFreeze

    FightorFreeze Fapstronaut

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    So today has been pretty tough suddenly. I have been tempted to watch P quite a few times. The moments I was alone at home were really tough and I had to choose what to do each time. I am glad I chose right. Even this moment I am downstairs alone and have some time for myself with all the chores done I notice I am triggered. So I come to the forum first to clear my head and focus on the right choices again.
    Today I chose to do some extra chores and stuff outside the house or other things that kept me busy. I don't exactly know or understand why it has been tough today so I really just didn't want to sit and think about it because I was afraid I would only get tempted even more.
    This weekend we've got a few plans with the family. We will go to my parents, have some friends over and I will meet some of my sisters again. My grandmother has been diagnosed with cancer again. She's had that fight about fifteen years ago as well and now she is only considering hormonal treatment but no chemo anymore. My grandfather past away three years ago and she's really looking forward to going to heaven. She has been for a lot of years. So now she's done fighting. We don't exactly know what kind of cancer it is yet but we're not very hopeful. I am going to see her this weekend. I hope we've got some more time left but at this moment there is no way to tell.

    And now I am thinking maybe I just had this stuff going on that made me want to feel good instead of thinking about how I might lose my grandma soon. I don't really cry, haven't for years actually. Even though I feel emotional at times but I just don't cry. But I do think that letting emotions really come in is a hard thing to do for me. I have been used to pushing negative emotions away with P and M. I'm not sure on how to change that but I guess recognizing is the first step.
     
  19. FightorFreeze

    FightorFreeze Fapstronaut

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    Good morning. I was just about to shut down the pc when I remembered I have to work tonight so I won't be able to go on the forum again.
    Last couple days have been nice. I have had a relaxed weekend with alot to do. We went to my parents last friday and I went to see my grandmother as well. Things seem to be going pretty well with her actually. So no idea how bad the situation with her cancer is yet. We'll hear more about it this week.
    It was nice to see my parents and two of my sisters. Our son got sick on saturday so we went home a little earlier than planned. Sunday he was better again so we had a really relaxed day.
    A while ago I said I wanted to put some time and effort in getting to know more people around here. So we made plans for a friendly couple to come by on sunday. That was really nice. They are also young parents and have some similar interests.
    Things are going very well with the P and M this weekend. Lots of things to do and to keep me busy so I haven't really thought about it.
    Now I will get ready to go to work.
     
    mrtumnus likes this.
  20. FightorFreeze

    FightorFreeze Fapstronaut

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    Let's try this again. It has been a while now and I really need some place to talk. And I still need to get rid of P and M in my life.
    New start... Scary but I need it.
     
    Ifeeltoo likes this.

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