Gay or Just HOCD? Terrified & Need Help

This post will be long so thank you before hand for taking the time to read this post and contribute advice. Trigger warning- will be talking specifically about sexual experiences. I am discussing things I have never told a soul before.


I have been addicted to porn for as long as I can remember. I believe starting around the age of 13- I am now 23. And the escalation of my sexual problems has pushed me to the point of not knowing who I am and contemplating suicide. Starting in primary school, I always had crushes on girls. I vividly remember my first O- masturbating to a girl my age at around 12. I always had sexual thought about all the girls in my classes, and had huge crushes on female teacher and moms. I always struggled socially, but my peers would never know it. I harbor deep shame and embarrassment about tons of things in my life. Since I was a child, I have felt deeply inadequate in many areas in my life. My father always pushed me to be athletic and successful academically- but he, and I, were never satisfied with my performance. I have always had low self-esteem, and it caused me to give up on pretty much anything I was interested in if I wasn’t good at the respective task right away. Early on, I lacked with females due to insane levels of anxiety and embarrassment about nearly every action. But I have always felt like a contradiction. Because despite all these shameful feelings and inadequacies, I have been socially popular throughout my life. And from age 17 until now, I have had sex with over 20 women. In fact, I was almost the stereotypical bully throughout secondary school. I have deep regret and shame for how I treated many people in my life, and I can’t help but feel what I am going through now is a sort of karma from God- although I don’t think there is a God due to the suffering I and many others go through. I have been diagnosed with severe ADD, anxiety and depression.


To deal with these problems and my anxieties throughout my life I leaned on one thing: PMO. And frankly, throughout most of my life, PMO has been the only sense of relief I have had. It started with just visualization in my head of women. Then pictures of women topless or even just women kissing. For the first 2 or so years I stuck with regular vanilla porn. Even at this point- I wouldn’t just pmo one time- it was repeated. As in 3-4+ times a day, every day. Sometimes, especially during a hangover, I will pmo 6-7 times. At age 15, vanilla porn just wasn’t doing it for me anymore. That’s when I stubbled upon incest porn. Mom-son porn was, for the next 3 years of my life, an obsession. I knew even then, 7 years ago, I had a problem. I vividly remember closing my laptop after yet another PMO session to incest porn at age 16 and thinking “this is going to develop in a serious problem one day”. *Trigger warning- This will get graphic, but I think this info is important*Around this age, I lost my virginity. It was incredible in the moment- but I feel so incredibly depressed and shameful looking back on it. She didn’t even want to do it. And while I was very sexually attracted to her, I did not like this girl whatsoever. I had sex with quite a few girls over the next few years. There was one girl that I would have sex with every weekend- and she turned me on like no other. When we had sex, I would sometimes O over 10 times back to back to back. Looking back, this seems like a clear sign of a burgeoning sex addiction. But, yet again, I had immense shame for this relationship with this girl. I won’t go into specifics, but I was made fun of by my friends about this relationship. but at the age of 18 I had a sexual experience that changed me forever. I was extremely drunk and an acquittance of mine asked if I could have sex with his girlfriend in front of him. It turned into an MFM threesome- but completely straight between us two males. There was no touching or anything of that nature between us, and I can honest to god say that I was in no way aroused by the guy physically. I did not want to touch him, kiss him, or anything else from him. I am 100% sure of that. But the pleasure the girl received from the threesome turned me on more than I ever have been in my whole life. I had sex with just this guy’s girlfriend for probably 3 hours afterwards- just me and her. And it was tied, with the girl I discussed just prior, for the best sex I had in my life. The shame I felt after this threesome was indescribable. I felt disgusting that I would partake in a threesome with a guy involved. Around this time, I got into Threesome and Cuckold porn, which for the last 5 years has been the only things that could arouse me porn wise- until recently. Will expand on that in a bit. Early in University, I had my first true love. I was so attracted to her it is hard to describe. We had sex constantly. But I could tell she wasn’t that into it because of various pharmaceuticals she was on, killing her sex drive. This yet again made feel immense shame. After a month of dating, she thought I was a sex addict. After about a year, she cheated on me. I was completely devastated, and heartbroken- and for a while, suicidal. But I masturbated to the thought of her constantly- and eventually to the thought of other men having sex with her. After a while, you get used to the degenerate thoughts, but debasing my self to this extent has damaged me emotionally and self esteem wise severely. Around this time, at age 20, I had the first homosexual thought pop into my head. I visualized a guy forcing me to give him oral after having sex with my ex-girlfriend- and it made me O nearly instantly. I feel completely and utterly disgusted writing that statement. I never once watched homosexual activity in P before this. I was cripplingly depressed after this for months. I continued to PMO to threesome and cuckold porn but didn’t really have anymore homosexual thoughts. Until one random a few months later night- I had a wet dream for the first time in my life. But it was extremely bizarre. I had a dream of just a nondescript man holding me down- and somehow that resulted in a wet dream. No sex. No nudity. And this resulted in the first and only wet dream of my life. To say I was, and still am, disturbed is an understatement. I started compulsively checking gay and straight porn to see if it turned me on. Gay porn did not most of the time- but sometimes, it slightly would. Making the HOCD unbearable. I have not once in my life, out in the real world, felt any sort of attraction to a guy. Subsequent to breaking up with my GF, and even a few times before our relationship, I have had ED with real women. And over the last 2 years it has gotten progressively worse. With someone women I am very attracted to, I will last less than a minute, otherwise, I will go soft within a few minutes. It was humiliating to no extent. I assume that it is PIED, but at this point I don’t know.


Now, the true experiences that has led to me wanting to make a serious change. I had continued to habitually watch threesome and cuckold porn. But lately, I have been having dreams of a male friend making me give him oral. And as disgusted as it makes me, I am very aroused in my dream. And it now is starting to carry over in my waking life. I watched a few moments of gay porn- and got nearly an immediate erection. I had sex with a woman the other day and couldn’t even get remotely hard. Then, I had an image pop into my head of gay acts, and I got aroused and O’d nearly instantly. This has literally pushed me to the point of seriously contemplating suicide. I am not getting aroused to women anymore. I look at a girl and feel nothing. Honestly, I’ve felt my attraction to females slowly dwindle with each subsequent year since 18. Even the fucked-up porn I used to watch is doing nothing for me- unless it is gay. Specifically, an erect penis turns me on. Nothing else. Not a guy’s face, muscles, hair, voice etc. It feels like a purely physical reaction. I want to stress how I know for a 1000 percent fact that I did not have this reaction when I was younger. Was this because it was just subconsciously suppressed? I think of all the times this side of me could have appeared. Jokingly being showed gay porn when I was younger. I regularly saw guy my age naked when I was younger in PE and people joking around etc. I have had gay guys hit on me. Zero reactions, not even a thought. The idea of kissing, touching, and anything else with a man is physically repulsive. And I have never even once thought I may have any romantic feelings for a man. But now, I am questioning even that with these horrific dreams- Is the guy in the dream a repressed crush? Have I been a latent homosexual this whole time and not known it until 23? With zero signs whatsoever until 20? These homosexual thoughts stayed as only thoughts- day to day I never feel any attraction to men out and about. In terms of personality- I could not be farther from a stereotypical gay man. I can say with a high degree of certainty that if I am gay, everyone I know would be utterly shocked. Honestly- I am starting to lean towards that I am gay. The arousal I receive from this gay porn is too strong for it to be a fluke. Which completely and utterly disgusts me. I know I have internalized homophobia and this experience has led me to begin to deal with it in preparation for the worst. I don’t want to live a lie. I think of all the men I know of who have came out as gay when they were 40 and ruined their wife and kids lives.


If I am gay, my current life is essentially over. I know that sounds like a hyperbole. But if I could expand more, without doxing myself, it would make sense. I am from a very conservative and religious area and family. I would quite literally be disowned by my whole family. I would lose all my friends. I would have two options- commit suicide or pick up and start my life over in a completely different area of the world.


At this point, I feel numb writing this. I haven’t felt like myself in a long time- and the only time I’ve felt any strong feeling was the strong arousal I gained from imagining gay acts. It makes me feel physically ill. You always hear people know their sexual orientation from childhood- and most certainly by the end of puberty. Were all my experiences the first 20 years of my life a lie? My childhood crushes on girls my age, female teachers, and moms? The incredible sexual encounters I had with the first few women I had sex with? Not a single hint of any attraction to males until a disgusting thought popped in my head during the most vulnerable time in my life? I can’t even remember what I used to feel like or who I used to be. I feel like the only thing that turns me on is the idea of being a submissive sissy- the anthesis of what I am personality wise.


I am trying to complete a 90+ reboot to see if some of these problems answer themselves- but honestly, I struggle to make it a week. I have tried for years and the longest I’ve lasted was 20 days. I am praying that I revert to how I felt in my adolescence- if not, my current life is over. So what does everyone think? Am I a latent homosexual? Or have I just associated feelings of immense shame with sex to such an extent that is leading me eroticize the most shameful thing possible in my life- homosexuality? Is this just severe HOCD with a porn and sex addiction? Or a combo of all the above?