Great article about Couples Counseling

I found some of this to be true. I had one counselor try to minimize my husbands porn use and tell me I was co dependent. At which point I set him straight as did my husband, lol. Another counselor just tried to shame my husband, told him to just stop. Then we found a csat... much better for both of us.

 

Interestingly enough my husband and I were discussing going to a CSAT counselor together just last night and we are going to have a more serious discussion about it tonight, so your article is timely for me. My husband was trying to find a counselor for himself and asked me if I thought I wanted to come too. At the very least to a couple of sessions, just so the counselor could get a sense of both of us and our relationship. I didn't see anything wrong with that idea. Mostly because he and I have talked about the codependent model of therapy that some therapists use and how we do not want to see anyone like that for either of us. So, perhaps this article doesn't really pertain to my husband or myself. The overall impression that I get from the article is that the codependent model of therapy does not work and I would agree with that point. I have heard and read that. There is, however, a lot that I dislike with the way the article is written. For example the author says:

"Let’s talk about the misbegotten money pit of couple’s counselling for wives and partners of men called sex addicts. First, I’m concerned about the damage it does those already traumatized women by pretending his covert abuse is a couple problem."

First of all, the disdain this woman seems to have for men in general is pretty evident. I personally didn't care for it, especially as a mother of 5 boys and as a woman who loves her "compulsive-abusive sexual relational disordered man" rolleyes very much. I went to her website and it appears that she is/was the wife of a sex/porn addict? That was my impression. She is also a counselor herself but I'm guessing just for women, given the fact that all men seem to just be bastards. Did you ever see that movie, "French Kiss", with Meg Ryan? She has some really funny lines in in about all men being bastards, and this lady that wrote this blog post definitely gave me the impression that she would agree with that. Just for fun here is that scene. I love that movie!!



Anyway, the "Misbegotten money pit" sounds like she thinks that many counselors are just in it for the money and in it to further abuse and traumatize the women who come in and are seeking guidance. I suppose that could be true. I am not a therapist so I wouldn't know. I have been to one before and they were lovely, so that is my only experience. I assume most therapists are like most people; some are good and want to help and others suck. I also can't get the "pretending his covert abuse is a couple problem" part out of my head. I see my husband's PA as a problem for us as a couple. Is it his problem to sort out? Absolutely! Did he hurt me by having this problem? Yep. But I'm not going to tell him "It's your problem, deal with it on your own". For a counselor, she seems to be lacking in basic empathy, for men in particular. Maybe her experience has clouded the way she counsels people. I have a feeling that if I went to her I would just be told what a victim I am. I don't want to play that game.

"Wives and partners innocently and earnestly step into the couple session with their compulsive-abusive sexual relational disordered man. They want to roll up their sleeves and figure out how to end the nightmare of his covert abuse and recover the man with whom they fell in love from this cruel, selfish, and destructive presence who seems to have taken his place. They have yet to realize he was never really there in the first place."

Wow, where to start? First, the language used here is very telling. The imagery of the poor wife all pure and "innocent", next to her deviant compulsive-abusive sexual relational disordered husband, is pretty powerful. And if what she is saying is true than I guess everyone who has a spouse that is a sex addict/porn addict should just divorce them. After all, they just seem like they are worthless pieces of shit who were never really who they said they were in the first place. It's impossible to believe that they might in fact be good men who are flawed and broken in their own ways, whether that be through their own sexual abuse as an innocent child or their struggles with their own self worth, for whatever reason. I've read several accounts on this very website of men on here who went through truly horrific nightmares of their own and to dismiss that by saying they are all compulsive-abusive sexual relational disordered men just sounds pretty man hating to me. I'm not in any way excusing their behavior and I have no qualms about discussing the fact that my husband has an addiction and that IT was to blame for his behaviors, but that HE needs to take responsibility, regardless of the reasons that led him to those behaviors. He is owning that now. And besides, reasons and excuses are two totally different things. But to say that he was never really a great guy to begin with is just flat out wrong. Good people can do pretty awful things. I think I know this from my own experiences from my life. As the great (sarcasm) Britney Spears once said "I'm not that innocent". Lol.

"After making “too bad, so sad” noises and throwing her a weighted blanket or two"

As a person who is incredibly sarcastic at times I appreciate this level of sarcasm. Seems like she is a boss level in sarcasm for sure!

"Some practitioners are also compulsive-abusive sexual relational disordered people who have a codependent relationship with the treatment model. Those practitioners do not investigate her trauma and identify abuse that has caused it. So the practitioner’s psychological allegiance will never serve her clinical needs as a priority."

Wow, who are the counselors that this woman is hanging out with? Damn.

"In some cases, the practitioner may disclose later and successfully re-traumatize the wife or girlfriend, establishing control and the inequitable distribution of power in the triangle. This kind of covert manipulation bears witness to the kind of ongoing covert abuse she might endure from a “recovered sex addict.”

I assume that "recovered sex addict" is in quotations to place emphasis on the fact that there is no such thing? Not sure, just a guess on my part but as the rest of the article basically just says that all men are bastards, I think it's a good guess.

"by focusing on the “coupleship” they successfully affirm the treatment posture that this is a problem in the relationship, not a problem that originates in and is created by the covert abuser. "

I mean, can't it both be a problem in the relationship and a problem that originates with the SA/PA? I think I've heard it both ways.

"There is nothing the victim of any abuser can do to diminish or end the abuse except to remove herself. The underlying theoretical driver of couple’s counselling is just the opposite—two people created the problem and two people need to fix it. "

There is nothing any of us can do, huh? May as well give up right now and just be stuck in betrayal trauma the rest of my life. Never being able to trust or love. Yeah, I think I'll pass, thanks. Did two people create the problem? I would say no. Did I create my husband's porn addiction? Nope. But it IS a problem and we ARE married. Should I help fix it? I guess I feel like at the very least, I shouldn't try to make it any worse. Lol. And also that if I can help the man that I love very deeply with something that he has struggled with, why wouldn't I? Will we do "Couples counseling"? Certainly not the way she described it and I'm confident in saying that my husband would shut down anyone who said that his PA is my fault. I won't do anything that is to my detriment though.

Overall, I get her point. Women (and I would contend men as well) should not go to a counselor and be further traumatized by said counselor under any circumstances. I am quite sure that there are a lot of men out there who are exactly as she described, I know because I was married before to an abusive jackass, so I feel what she is saying. However, I don't like the way she presented what she said and that is a problem for her if she was hoping to get me to watch further videos or buy into her program. It sounded like an advertisement for her and why she is so much better than all those male therapists who you just know are out to get you because you're a woman.

You know, I have really shitty days sometimes and I have some really awesome days too. And on those shitty days it can be incredibly easy to play the role of the victim. But that is NOT what I want and it is NOT healthy. I do realize that my reality is not the reality for a lot of women whose SO's who have the same addiction, however I can only speak to my experiences and lets just say that I'm hoping for a therapist that is somewhere between a "compulsive-abusive sexual relational disordered person" and a man hater who wants me to perpetually stay a victim. I'm really hopeful there is someone like that who exists! Lol.

 

I do agree with you!! And as someone who has been to 5 different counselors, two tried to push blame on me ( hubby didn’t allow that) one tried to totally shame him ( I did not allow that) one who’s was pretty good but pushed me to leave him very early on because he thought I was getting abused physically in spite of me assuring him I was bruised do my weights and horses lol. And finally found a great csat through bloom. I love my csat, she gets me and I love my husbands csat because he gets it too!

 

I'm so happy for you both that you've found the right counselors for you! I think that is basically what everyone has to do. I don't know if we will be able to get lucky on the first one. Like you guys, I imagine we will have to see a few and decide who is the best fit for us. And like you, I won't tolerate someone trying to shame my husband. He does it enough to himself.

 

While I don't believe where the article said, "There is nothing the victim of any abuser can do to diminish or end the abuse except to remove herself."--because I know the things many, many women have done to turn their situations around--I do agree with several things the article said.

I've been trained to help women through the trauma of this kind of betrayal, and can say there is a HUGE difference between the Codependent Model and the Trauma Model when it comes to helping partners of porn addicts.

(The Codependent Model is used by most therapists and 12-step groups; this model can traumatize the partner further.)

One MAIN indicator that a therapist is using the Codependent Model is that they start couples' therapy right off the bat.

One main indicator that the therapist is following the Trauma Model is that they make sure the partner is stabilized and has worked through many other things to prepare and empower her BEFORE working on healing the relationship. So they typically have the individuals go to therapy separately first.

What I always tell the women who come to me is this: You're not looking for someone who knows about the Trauma Model. You're looking for someone who has been trained in it and ADHERES to it.

(@GID2020, I am so glad your partner is willing to see a counselor! That can be rare.)

 

If the original blog post had been written in the style in which you wrote it then I would have had zero problem with it. It was definitely a case of not liking the messenger. Lol. So, I appreciate your rational explanation of what the author was trying to say and I agree with you that the trauma model is the way to go and the codependent model seems outdated and very harmful.

THIS is good advice and I appreciate it!

I'm glad too! We may be kind of a rare couple around here anyway. My husband and I are moving through the process of picking a therapist slowly as we have read and heard about how it can go sideways. He doesn't want me to be further traumatized and I don't want him to be further shamed.