Starting again ... again

Thanks for reading, I get it’s a lot of posts, so not surprised you didn’t read it all .

How u getting on with ur reboot? U got a diary on here?

 

I think I’m going to try giving up social media, I’ll keep fb messenger, but I don’t really feel much benefit from constantly looking at my feed.

I'm gonna delete the app off my phone and tablet, I’ll keep the account active, but I’m just fed up of wasting time on it.

I’ll need to find an alternative way of occupying my fine, but fb just feels like a waste of my life!

 

First half day without FB actually it’s been quite enlightening, instead of constantly checking it, I’ve been a bit more aware of my surroundings and not looking at my phone so much when with my son.

This is important, like today, he brought a game of draughts(checkers for our American cousins) over and we played that for about an hour, and I didn’t even look at my phone. I was much more connected and present.

Deffo think I’ll take this forward. No PMO so far, been thinking about S a bit more, not fetishising it though, was able to have a bit of a laugh with the staff at the aquarium this afternoon. Felt a bit more in the zone again today, all good so far.

 

At the moment, I think I’m coming here instead of using FB, so it’s just a habit.

I think this is perhaps more useful, but I’ll have to keep it in check.

Right now I do feel a little sexual, probably, previously I would’ve been seriously thinking of PMO opportunities. Now I’m almost enjoying the sensation, kind of a pleasant tingling.

Interesting to think my default action is to do something to get rid of a pleasant feeling just for a (pretty short if I’m honest) PMO.

 

Been a pretty flat day today. Kinda feeling low most of the day. I dropped my son at school and just moped about the house, played fortnite. I then decided I was going to go to the library and then head to the local Wetherspoon (pub) and just sit for an hour, reading my books and having a refillable coffee.

I’m pleased I got out the house and while this wasn’t social, at least I was in the presence of others, sitting on my own in a bar is something I don’t usually like so it’s again a useful way to get me used to spending time in environments that can induce anxiety.

I was slightly torn between going to the salsa dancing class again or trying the weightlifting club at the gym. I decided to do the gym as it’s more local and it fits with trying to do more socially in my local area.It was good and certainly something I’ll do again, nice bunch, and a good way to get to know regulars in the gym.

Did consider PMO at various points today, didn’t act, so that’s good, I think the no FB has been good, it’s not that I haven’t used tech, but I haven’t just been endlessly scrolling through the shite that people post.

I do wanna write more, not sure why, I just feel a bit lonely now, even though I’ve been out and seen people. Kinda getting the exercise high but still feeling miserable, weird.

I am working late this week so I am going to do gym and stuff during the day, I’ll try and get into hanging out in cafes and pubs just to change my scene, rather than just sitting in my house. This must be progress I do feel different and I do feel like I’m processing things differently.

Ah well dunno why, but it felt strangely therapeutic to write that last paragraph.

 

Went to local cafe, just sat there now, reading Men are from Mars women are from Venus.

Felt like I had a good nights sleep. Woke surprisingly refreshed.

My mind has been racing a little, still stuck on the whole meeting women thing, or anyone for that matter, even going to the weight lifting group yesterday was quite challenging.

I am feeling this going out of the house for a couple of hours getting used to cafes and pubs on my own is a good idea. I will not have any chance of being able to meet new people if I am already self conscious about being on my own. So I think conquering this is the next major step.

One you tuber I follow has suggesting categorising my life experiences (he refers to these tension) as ‘Avoid’ ‘have to’ ‘want to’ and ‘choose to’.

I actually quite like the term tension, it illustrates the challenge associated with doing something, the ideal is to choose what you you do for everything. I definitely feel I avoid a lot of things.

It’s the basics though, that is what frustrates me the most, I’ll go and act or talk in front of a large group, or at work I can shout and corral a large group of people, but put me in a pub, one on one and I just go to pot.

I have talked about this with my therapist and have come to the conclusion that it’s the ability to hide from being me that gives the confidence to do things.

The ex wife rang last night again, my son still having some toilet accidents, I am just fed up of being her emotional support on this issue now, I said to her this is my sons problem, I’ll do what I can to help him, she sounded very anxious and personally bothered on the phone, I do think her attitude doesn’t help. I asked her if she wanted to know what she sounded like, she declined, but I am getting annoyed at the way she makes a big deal out of it. I’m not going to support her anymore, I feel like I’m enabling her negativity. I will look for suggestions and solutions to the problem, but I’m not listening to her anymore. When he’s with me, I stay calm and try to talk to him about it, I get the impression he’s embarrassed about going to the loo (I told her that too) hopefully we can sort this, but I’m not just listening to her anymore, she is not my problem, my son is, and I will do my best for him!

Did consider PMO this morning, first (weak) morning glory for a long time when I got up, but very quickly came to my senses. I concur with the many posts here about make nofap a way of life rather than just aiming for a specific count, taking it day by day is the way to go.

 

Been ok so far, apart from slight thoughts of PMO earlier as mentioned above.

back at work now, feeling ready for it, the last week was a good refresh, helped me to understand I am a higher priority than this job.

I have given enough of myself to it for now, so I just need to put it in some perspective, I do make good money so I intend to use it to free myself. I am aiming to get my mortgage paid off in next 8 years tops, then look at a gap year from work. I think a mini retirement would be nice, I can focus on doing something’s I want and also see if I do wanna stay here doing the job or not.

 

Missed yesterday, sorta went to write a post, but didn’t really see the point.

Really noticing physical differences now, first proper morning glory, good one too. Didn’t give in so pleased with that!

One strange thing I’ve noticed is people do seem to be engaging me in conversation again. Even just shop workers and things, I feel like for the past few months I’ve been invisible.

I’ve definitely noticed the pattern in my life that I turn to PMO when things get difficult. Again it’s hard to say which is cause or effect. But there is definitely a link in my brain between low mood and PMO.

 

Decided I’m gonna travel more again this year, gonna visit family in Denmark early March.

Feel lighter and like I’m thinking more clearly. Looking forward to it!

34 days seems to be going well, doesn’t seem that long tbh, very happy with progress so far.

Realistically I think I’m only just getting over my ex, this is something I need to sort out. Deffo a case of oneitis!

 

That’s 5 weeks done!

Definitely seeing benefits, both physically and mentally. I really wanna improve on the social side, perhaps getting back in PUA again would be a good start. When I started learning it about 2 years ago it worked, I’m not sure why I lost faith and got down, it did work, I just need to follow it through.

A little more work on self esteem and feeling centred so hopefully things like performance anxiety can be kept in check. I just gotta get on with it and stop making excuses.

Slight PMO thoughts this morning but managed it let them fly through. Feeling positive and Ready for the world!

 

This morning has been interesting. My mind has started playing with idea of just M with no P. This is a gateway for me, so I do not want to go down that route. No judgement on others who do, but for me it’s just not how I want to be.

Feeling like there is more action down there. So I guess this is the chemicals rebalancing. I suppose my programming for sex is more PMO so it does make sense that my immediate drives are back towards that, rather than the more tricky dealing with real women.

During yesterday’s session with therapist, we talked about chakras (he’s a yoga teacher) I have some basic knowledge but we kinda talked a bit about energy transfer. This does feel like a good visualisation, I work that way and if I can ‘see’ a process I feel it has greater impact.

Pleased I didn’t give into the immediate gratification option. I have found it very useful just watching my thoughts. Hoping to move forward now, I do feel a bit of encouragement from my counsellor can help here. He’s very outgoing and I hope I can change my shy off putting behaviours.

 

Phew 38 days today.

Limited PMO, got my son for a few days. Not sure what to make of things. Went out for a few drinks with friends this weekend.

Yesterday we talked again about trying one night stands, he’s also pretty useless with women too, dunno about PMO habits etc, but he has been diagnosed with adhd and mild asd.

I just don’t know why I feel so bothered by the idea, I just get really anxious at the thought of going on the pull. It’s totally irrational and tbh starting to get in my nerves now!

I have severe self esteem issues, no matter what I do, I just can’t shake the negative thoughts about my personal value! I get too affected by even the idea of rejection. Man this is just crazy, I’m not a stupid person, I just have a strange idea of how I look and how I come across.

I just wanna get over this and be able to deal with these things better.
My Denmark trip has a good potential to help me try again and I just wanna improve both skills and confidence. I know people say it doesn’t matter what you say, just be yourself, but I’ll be honest I don’t agree with that. Yes grounded and centred but I think the whole way people think it’s like the movies but it’s just not.

I’ll get this worked out, and I’ll sort it, but please don’t come along just saying it doesn’t matter what you say, I understand where that comes from and get the point, but the understanding that you can learn to be better at pulling women means it is a skill, one that I will get better at.

 

Not sure why but feeling like I wanna M now again. Pleasant tingling sensation. Just gonna rest my eyes for a short while, hoping it passes.

 

I have been reading Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, it has a section in about writing ‘love letters’ to one another if you are having difficulty dealing with a situation. It also suggests you can do this for yourself if you’re having difficulties. It breaks down into feelings of Anger, Sadness, Fear, Regret and Love. I think I’m going to try this for my next few updates, sort of writing a letter to myself to process these different emotions. I think I do come across as quite angry in most of my posts so far, and this is certainly a protection/avoidance strategy. Might seem weird but here goes.

Dear Me

I am angry that I feel trapped, that I seem to forget good times and talk badly to myself. I am angry that I cannot let this feeling of loneliness go. I hate that I have a job with irregular hours. I am angry that I keep holding myself back from social situations in my everyday life and miss opportunities.

I am sad that I have missed out on things due to my low confidence and self esteem, I am sad that I am not in a loving relationship, I am sad that I cannot go out and talk to women and have casual relationships. I am sad that I feel that I have wasted my life so far and that I struggle to acknowledge the good things that have happened.

I am afraid that I have missed my opportunity, both in getting a good relationship and in meeting my financial goals. I am afraid of being stuck in a job that just doesn’t fulfill me, I am afraid of being alone for the rest of my life. I am afraid of rejection and being rejected, so I don’t always open up when I should.

I regret that I haven’t resolved my issues with my confidence yet, I feel I’m just wallowing around not really moving forward. I regret that I let my ex wife subtly control my life, and gave up on hopes and dreams in an effort to stay in a relationship that really wasn’t working. I regret that I’ve missed out on many fun things in my life so far.

I do love my son, and that I have him and see him regularly. I love that I can stay present with him and hopefully stay a calm and supportive influence in his life. I love that I am open minded and keen to look at ways of changing my routines to improve my mind and life. I love that even though I’ve had some shit times I haven’t given up. I will keep going, and I know I don’t have to take the average shitty life that most people just seem to accept. I love that I’ve taken the initiative to find help, and am looking to implement changes. I love that I and all of us will make changes, we are all people and know we can be better. I love my son and mum, and I do love the time I spent with my last partner as she brought out many of the things I need to work on, and she did so with love, and I appreciate this a lot.

I love me!

Ps I would like to reply:

Dear me

Thanks for being a great person, I love me, I know I can be better and know that with a bit of self care the negatives of the past can be processed.

I will always try and will always be there when times get hard. I won’t hide and I’ll face adversity.

I love me and accept me for all of me.

That was a strangely satisfying and therapeutic process. I may try this format for future posts.

 

I just got a bit of quiet time so I’ll post now, it’s day 40 today!

I think separating my thoughts above was a good way of filing things.

Fear and regret were bigger than I thought. I also realised I had more love than I thought too! This was nice to see.

I do feel fear and worry about getting out of my REAL comfort zone, I’ve done it behaviourally, acting, gym and martial arts, but I haven’t felt the internal change yet. That is the true comfort zone that I need to escape from.

My internal dialogue is very restrictive, as such my confidence is easily knocked, even when I am well established in a hobby or activity. I am pleased I haven’t given up the acting workshops, even though I made a very drunken slightly embarrassing declaration of obsession to a girl from that group.

Didn’t sleep well last night, my son did approach me with some issues last night, so I felt a little bothered by this. As such I think this was playing on my mind.

God my ex wife was and still is a total pain in my arse! I just want her to fuck off and stay fucked off! Unfortunately I can’t do anything about that now.

I feel sad that it didn’t work, and I am sad that I’m not as involved in my sons life as I would’ve liked.

Im afraid that her influence of on my son could be very bad for his future, I suppose I’m also afraid that my influence might not be good for him either!

I definitely regret staying with and definitely getting married to her, I regret not waking earlier this morning too. I need to get a hold of this sleep issue, I get too affected by daily life and struggle to sleep sometimes.

I love my son and loving having him with me. I love that he feels he can talk to me and that I can help him deal with things.

I know I can do this.

I tell you this breaking issues up into these different feelings it certainly helps segmenting the problem and selves deeper into things than just getting angry, my usual default!

 

Had a really early night last night and an early gym session. These were good, but on arrival at work, another screw from planning again, they moved my start time to 830 instead of 0600, more than slightly pissed off. Was stressing a little at work so decided t come home and lodge an official grievance this time! I’m sure it’s not but it’s starting to feel like a personal vendetta against me. Was having some intrusive thoughts usual fetishes (for me) but i definitely made the right decision, rather than getting more irritated, I just thought I would go along with the farce, to remove the immediate stress source. Come back home to watch some red dwarf on Netflix.

Definitely could’ve seen a reset/relapse today if I hadn’t dealt with the work situation as I did.

Just having a cuddle with a cat now, this is much better than sitting at work being pissed off. I think the bigger picture is a useful thing for me to focus on, while I might have gained some ‘moral victory’ if I held out at work, but this just feels much better.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read, I do the same!

Like I said my last girlfriend, I think We loved each other, but we weren’t in love, if you know what I mean.

Not sure about the longer term relationships at the moment. Most I’ve seen really seem defective, I can probably count on 1 hand the number of genuinely happy married people I know! Not sure I could cope with investing like that again, for now at least. Yeah I’d love a loving LTR, but can’t see it right now.

I think I need to try shorter relationships personally, I’ve found longer term ones just difficult at the moment. I think you sometimes just have to try something different. The alternative is I just remove myself totally from the dating pool, and I have spent long enough in my life there!