Is this normal...??

I've been on noFap for like a week and still trying to figure this website out. I will give my 'condensed' story for context.

I'm in my 40s, started with masturbating and lingerie magazines at 13. Ultimately moved into porn in college and was using porn 2-3 times a day as of a year ago (~27 years plus or minus). I've been married for ~12 years. A year ago my wife found out about my problem with PMO. She has forgiven me, and we are in counseling and on a path of recovery. Long term we will be ok but I need to get this PMO under control. I think it's relevant to note that the counseling has also brought up unresolved intimacy issues for her from before we were ever married and her faith itself. So she's healing through that and through us. I'm healing through this and learning to be a better husband/father/man.

I have not looked at any 'fornication' porn, since last year but on occasion there has been visual use of female nudity. Which I go and confess as often as it's used. In discussing PMO there is A LOT to unpack, and it seems overwhelming at times.
Porn, Masturbation, PE, Edging, Porn Substitues, etc., etc.

I'm on a 'good' path of recovery but not great I have much more successes than failures. I don't have an accountability partner which hurts as there's so much I want/need to discuss.

As an example Edging. I've read that edging is bad and can be considered by some 'worse than just masturbating to orgasm' because the brain keeps the dopamine levels high. Personally, I think edging to edge is bad. (i.e. I'm setting out to trigger those receptors and my goal is to keep myself on that edge for the high). But I think if you find yourself masturbating as part of the struggle and you prevent yourself from orgasming then it's good because you're fighting that temptation even though you've 'started' the process. I don't know, I'm not trying to justify edging, I'm trying to justify my actions in this battle against Satan and his lustful temptations.

If anyone would like to take each topic above, maybe on a weekly basis and chat about them or want an accountability partner in central standard time. Let me know.

 

Yeah, I'm not sure what that looks like either. I can't really text, because on occasion my wife will check my phone. (paranoia more than anything, because I never texted anyone in regards to my PMO issues). No interactive porn, escorts, anything. Just whatever I could find free. But if I had a text thread talking about my issues, it could bring up lots of tough conversations. I think there's a messaging feature on the Victory app that I use but I'd have to check it out.
I do find it interesting. For the most part I never sat down to edge. It was like i'd be sitting here, my mind would wonder and next thing I'd start fantasizing and just start. Then you get into this, oh this sort of feels good, and I know where this could lead and what that dopamine hit is gonna feel like. So just keep going. But then my mind snaps back to, "NO STOP". So it's this keep going, no stop, keep going, no stop cycle that I've gotten caught in. Many times, I've been able to stop (after a longer debate in my head than it should have been). But then sometimes I've failed. Right now, I'm on a really solid 12 day streak. And plan to keep going with all the prayers of this group.