For those who want to stop seeing escorts...

Hi

So I saw a fair amount of posts here about people wanting to fight a habit/ addiction of seeing escorts and I thought about sharing some thoughts I had regarding this.

I am a 25 year old Canadian dude. I had been a virgin up until a few weeks ago when I wanted so badly to know what sex was like and succumbed by going to a massage parlour (an idea I had been fighting for 5 months) and had sex with a masseuse (everything protected with condom). I went to the same place again the next day and did the same thing with another masseuse. I felt terrible guilt and shame after those encounters and even though I was protected and sex workers regularly get tested more so than average person actually, my OCD made me obsess about STDs. I also felt shame because of spending so much money for short term pleasure. The sex was done with a condom (rightly so) so I actually found that I did not feel much and the blowjob felt like nothing, just a bit of pressure on my dick. It was a great experience because I finally saw a naked woman for the first time and felt a naked body and was touched intimately etc (all things I lacked before) but other than this, it was not what I thought it would be like (I thought it would be like a magical heavenly feeling when it was not). The fact that the whole thing was also a transaction made it meaningless .

Up until now, I have not gone back to the place neither been with a sex worker. So many people feel like shit after paying for sex (at least I know I definitely do). And the knowledge of that feeling (the fact you just lost so much money on some short term pleasure and succumbed to your urges very easily) made me avert any other attempts on my part at seeing a sex worker (up until now and until so long as the future goes (at least I hope). I just thought to myself that short term pleasure you will get to experience with a sex worker can be topped by a long term pleasure you can experience without a sex worker (attained by mulling over the thought that you had strong resolve and succeeding in averting your urges and can now spend those $300 dollars on constructive things (be it books, self-improvement, How about use this money to help the unfortunate etc). It's like you are proud of yourself for not doing it and the pleasure is derived from that feeling. Also, (at least for me), I know I will feel like absolute shit after paying for sex, which at the end of the day, is opposite to pleasure. So paying for sex gives me short-term pleasure but extended melancholy after the encounter is done (guilt, shame, worry etc). I literally had nightmares, cried a number of times, and lost appetite for food after doing it.

Another thing I use is the notion that these urges are programmed in me by nature. I did not choose them. Nature placed them in me. So at the end of the day, they are all fake urges just programmed in me by some random process. Evolution placed them in us just so we could pass on our genes. Being conscious beings, we counteracted the prerogative to reproduce by using condoms. How about be even more conscious and try to just remove the the whole thing altogether (i.e the very act of sex and the urges themselves)? There is no objectivity to them. They are subjective feelings that are not real and artificially induced by the brain. This thought has been one I had been using to suppress my urges before I ended up succumbing and paying for sex. And, I felt terrible afterwards. I was proud pursuing my philosophy. I always liked to think it was quite enlightened and reasoned. Thinking about it gave me so much pleasure that I even felt like wanting to die a virgin many times. I should also mention I grew up extremely religious (Catholic) but became an agnostic at age of 20. I changed my philosophical views about God but my attitudes to sex (shame, denial etc) may never change due to the religious programming instilled in me. My brain (hardwired by religious upbringing) may have just subconsciously supplanted it by some other alternative secular philosophy which had the same attitude to sex as the religious values I had attained and tried to rationalize my denial about sex using something else now that I am not sure about God.

I wanted to know what sex was like. And, at least, now I do. I hope I will now forget about such an obsession (wanting to know what sex is like) that had plagued me and took much of my time before and move on with self improvement. Perhaps, I could find a partner or get into a meaningful relationship. I could use the time and money for that purpose instead and focus on. If I cant find a gf, maybe just stay single and save the world LOL (the planet is literally dying as we speak).

Just wanted to share my thoughts to see if I have any insights that someone could use if they are struggling with an addiction to escorts. I know it may sound weird and crazy but maybe sometimes you need a bit of delusion in your life. I mean most people on this planet worship a sky fairy lol

Anyhow, I hope I won't be paying for sex again.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

 

Hi @magic05. Thank you for sharing. I did not know about PIED until I read your post. I have been masturbating to porn say almost every day since I was 16 but haven't suffered from erectile dysfunction (if erectile dysfunction is what I understand it is, it is the ability to maintain an erection for long enough?). With the masseuse, it was my first time ever seeing a real life naked woman so I was quite aroused.

I think my feelings of shame and guilt were probably due to my religious upbringing plus anxiety and OCD. So I am not sure if you would feel the same. Some people have zero qualms about hiring sex workers or continuing to do it.

when I posted about my experiences online reaching out for help because I was in a very dark place after these encounters, some users told me escorts helped them be better in bed and helped them gain a lot of stamina to endure sex and satisfy their partners. My reason to see a sex worker was not to learn how to satisfy a sexual partner (never had any). I wanted to know what sex was like. Personally, I would say the encounters helped me know how to insert a penis in a vagina (it was tricky at first and the masseuse helped me). So, I could say that if I ever have sex with a partner from now on, this sort of awkwardness would likely be removed. I was ambivalent at first thrusting my penis because I thought to myself (in a moment of OCD): "what if the condom slips as I thrust back and forth?" but as the session went on, I got more comfortable doing it and the condom was fine.

So I can definitely say I learned some things about sex from the encounters. I also tried like 3-4 different positions. I had virtually zero sexual experience before it. If I were to have sex with a girl now, I would probably be less anxious about it too than if I were a virgin. But, because of my historical lack of contact with women, I am aroused very easily by seeing a naked woman's body. Yet, I feel people who have been with so many women or who have done it so many times may need more stimulation perhaps.

Unlike you, I am not so far even thinking about satisfying a partner because I think I do not master the ability at this point to date women and feel some unease when talking to them. I went to an all boys secondary Catholic school and that stunted my ability to do so further. Due to my religious upbringing, I hardly ever frequented bars or nightclubs. And, till this day, I am quite uneasy entering them. I am not autistic but these environments were not part of my upbringing so feel quite unfamiliar and alien to me. I don't know how to hook up and I suck at dating. My anxiety is more about approaching girls in general lol.

You are in a better position because at least you can do that. It seems reasonable to assume that seeing an escort/masseuse may help you be more successful with sex and may make you less anxious when having sex. It is a rule of life that the more you do anything, the more it becomes less daunting. I would say it may even be a good idea as long as you can be sure it won't develop into an addiction and that it won't take any psychological toll on you as it did on me. And of course you will use protection so it should be fine. But, mind you, I am a complete novice when it comes to sex and I knew nothing about it just weeks ago. So I am not sure if my advice is to be taken at face value.

 

Btw also @magic05 have you tried seeing a doctor regarding your PIED? May be a much better solution than seeing a sex worker.

 

Thank you @hubbawulf1234 for your post. Your advice is very insightful. You are right. The correct way to approach this is to plan and not hope. The best way to predict the future is to to create it.

 

If any other users on this forum have further ideas/tips regarding how to exercise self-control efficiently and the ways they have gone about doing so, I would very much appreciate it. Would love to incorporate even more ideas regarding how to combat this to my mindset.

 

@hubbawulf1234 @Anakin66

I almost relapsed today!!

Two days ago, I got a deep immense urge to go see a sex worker again. It was particularly triggered by an image of a masseuse I saw on the website which aroused me so much. Damn this photo they posted. I am an idiot for visiting the site. My mind was playing tricks on me trying to force me to go and try another girl with a bigger butt that looked so much more arousing than the previous girls I visited. I was fighting this urge and it was so immense over the past 2 days. I thought this was my chance to be with the girl of my wildest fantasies. Today, I decided to go. I thought that this sadly was it and that I had been defeated.

On my way to the parlour, I stopped halfway, I remembered this conversation, and I said to myself: "No. I cannot be this weak." I also thought about all the risks involved. What about STDs? What if police show up since in Canada buying sex is illegal (generally police don't care about enforcing that law when it comes to consenting adults but still, you never know). I literally stopped and went back home. I never thought I would be able to do this.

I am so proud of myself. If I had gone, I would have spent the rest of my day and maybe week, month in shame, worry, and disgust. I would have been $300 - $400 dollars poorer. Worse, I would have been succumbing to (what I beginning to think) an addiction that could have been made worse and worse. Yet, now, I am super proud of myself and have gained so much respect for myself.