46th day NF, massive suicidal thought, biggest flatline ever

I write a lot of posts lately. I think too much. However, I think it will be easier for me to let go of my feelings.
Almost throughout the challenge, I have a flatline, only the first week was good for me, I felt good.
Besides, it's bad. I can't stop thinking about pornography. I experienced hell yesterday when it comes to my state of mind. I've already entered the name of my favorite porn actress on Google. I went into her photos. There I saw porn scenes, but I won with myself because after 5 seconds I quickly turned off the Internet.
But those five seconds were enough to raise my blood pressure. I felt my heart beating violently, convulsions, the strongest erection in my life.
And I had a terrible day to end. I'm 23 y.o. I've never felt worse. It can end up in severe depression, my body, my brain, my whole body is demanding dopamine and endorphins, it is asking for PMO and beautiful female bodies.
I'm stuck in shit. Right now I am thinking about the best way to suicide. Holly fucking shit, nothing more.
Sorry if my post adds nothing and is nothing new in this forum. However, I am writing this post for myself to feel better.
English is not my first language, I live in a small village in Europe. I am a 23-year-old boy who from the first day of 2020 decided to change his life for the better ... again...
I try, but this is hard. I need porn. I need orgasm

46th day semen retention, no porn, only sexual thinking all the time. All the fucking time. I am non stop thinking about sex... What do you think about my situation?

Grettings for everyone of you!

 

Thank you Man. I appreciated.
Depression want to kill me. My body want orgasm. I don't have energy I only sitting on the bed and feel so sad.

 

Everywhere I am thinking about womens, pornography and sex.
It doesnt matter what I do. I am thinking about sex non fucking stop.
And I fantazing non stop too.