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Went to the edge, looked over, didn't like what I saw

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by swifty82, May 13, 2015.

  1. swifty82

    swifty82 Fapstronaut

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    So this week I went too far, I did something I'm totally ashamed of and I hope that will make me stop for good. This is really embarrassing and hard to talk about. I just don't know how I let it get to this stage.

    I'm 33, been heavily active in PMO for probably almost 10 years now give or take. It started with the purchase of my first PC with internet (I had owned a few as a kid but not with internet - the days of innocence!) Thinking about it now it was probably the reason I split up with my ex before my current partner as we were arguing and I would PMO 2-3 times a night when she wasn't around as she lived with her parents.

    After we spilt up I started to engage with ever increasingly risky PMO, first it would be harder porn then after a couple of years without a GF I started to buy toys and I got into sniffing Amyl Nitrate (poppers) for more of a rush. Ever since then, even with my current GF who I love and am planning to marry, I have been completely and secretly addicted to hardcore porn, poppers and toys to the point where I have recently in the last year been taking drugs as well and basically spiralling out of control. I would wait till she was asleep and get up almost every night to PMO in secret for up to two hours, giving myself as little as 4 hours sleep, hardly ever more than 5 each night and then do a full days work in the office.

    About a year ago on the odd occasion (prob once every couple of months) I started to experiment with drugs in a sexual context (I used to be a bit of a raver so I know my limits quite well). I would take MDMA (ecstasy) and PMO. I then started smoking hash (Marajuana) and then taking MDMA at the same time. All this time with Poppers as well.

    Things took a worrying turn for the worst a few months ago when I felt the need to adventure more and do something that online research of doctors advice told me was extremely dangerous and could actually kill me. I Started taking Hash, MDMA, Poppers and Viagra all in one PMO session and on a work night. The combination of Poppers and Viagra can lower the blood pressure to levels low enough that people have died from this combination. I even went to the length of buying a cheap personal blood pressure monitor to check that I wasn't hitting dangerously low levels. I'm really ashamed of this but I was completely addicted and I just wanted more and more, harder and harder, to the point where I could have killed myself. It felt like the hunger for more rush was never ending.

    It all came to a head when I got a new job and decided to "celebrate" one last time. I got up after my GF was asleep and took the aforementioned cocktail. Cut a long story short, I had to take three days off work as I couldn't stand up because I felt like I was going to pass out, coupled with the worst insomnia I've ever had, not able to sleep at all for over 48 hours, and only managing 4 hours on the third night with prescribed sleeping tablets. I looked at myself in the mirror that first night and my face was grey, my lips fingers and even penis were a grey blue colour. When I saw that I realised that that was my vital organs were drawing blood away from the extremities as they were in danger of failing.

    I've never felt so ashamed and stupid in my whole life. What if I had killed myself? I can't imagine what that would have put my GF and family through when they found out the circumstances.

    I had joined NoFap before about a year ago but I only managed three weeks and didn't really take it seriously. This time I think this could be my last chance, because if I relapse back into this behaviour I will end up killing myself.

    I want to stop so I threw all the toys drugs, viagra and poppers out a couple of days ago which was a really big step. Now I have nothing physical to hide in the house which is good as I hate the fact that I am keeping a secret from my GF. The hardest part is going to be deleting the massive collection of Porn that I have collected over the years- about 100GB of clips that I have lifted the "best bits" out of various scenes. Nothing illegal I'm gad to say but certainly very hardcore. Its about 700 clips totalling over 20 hours if left to play back to back. As I was searching for a few niches I consider these vids to be irreplaceable. I kind of look on this collection as almost a hobby which I know is totally wrong but its been a huge part of my life for almost 10 years. Last time I gave up I put all the toys and drugs etc and hid them deep in a store cupboard so that it was impossible to get out out whilst my GF was sleeping. I relapsed because we split up but thankfully got back together so I hope this time I can put it to bed for good. I think that is the next step with the porn collection.

    I was also thinking about putting it on a hard drive and storing it in a safety deposit box in another town so that its totally unreachable. That way after five years or so when Im not PMOing anymore I can just instruct the company to destroy it or something. I would love to just delete it but I don't think I'm strong enough for that yet. I think after the cravings have gone and when I re-kindle a sex life with my GF that I will be able to then. I know it sounds stupid but I think of it like a lifetimes worth of music collection or a complete stamp collection or whatever! I'm going to find it really hard to let go.

    Anyway thanks for reading if you got down this far. I feel a bit better already from admitting my shameful behaviour. I'd love to hear anyone else's story, especially if there are any similar ones to me out there (although I doubt it). Thanks for reading and lets do this thing!

    I am addicted to internet porn.

    Starting today I am a Fapstronaught. And looking forward to a bright future with my partner and my career.

    Peace and good luck everybody - you can do it
     
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2015
  2. Newman2day

    Newman2day Fapstronaut

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    Hey man,Porn and Masturbating is as much of a drug as anything you've mentioned taking.Have you talked to anyone like a councilor or something? Your giving yourself an ultra dopamine rush.With all that stuff so naturally of course your gonna get addicted.But slowly you can pull yourself away you can! And don't th no your the sickest individual either.Dont make that mistake.Ive done some really messed up stuff.Real bad.But don't see yourself in that way.Your looking for something that your trying to find in all that debauchery your doing.As was I.But man it's gotta stop.Do a lot of research it will only help.But it comes down to you.You have to make the choice to take the better road.And yes it seems IMPOSSIBLE! But it's not.Its able to be done.But it's not easy.
     
  3. swifty82

    swifty82 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks bro thats made me feel better. I'm fairly new here do you have an intro? I'd like to read and help if I can.
     
  4. IGY

    IGY Guest

  5. Justme7670

    Justme7670 Fapstronaut

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    It looks to me like you have done what was one of the hardest thins to do...own up and take responsibility. Now is the time to do something about it. All of us has his own story. Each is unique with the common thread on addiction. You can get through this! keep posting...maybe start a journal. I've found that it makes you aware of your life and what is going on and points out some of your triggers. Maybe an accountability partner would do you some good....someone to turn to when you think you can't curb the craving.
    Good luck to you! You can do this!
     
    swifty82 likes this.
  6. Newman2day

    Newman2day Fapstronaut

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    It's under "Anyone ever lose their emotions" not sure how else to answer ur question in pretty new myself.Ill try to find it and lead you to it.
     
    swifty82 likes this.
  7. kikstart

    kikstart Fapstronaut

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    Hay you sound like a really tough guy.
    seeing that you bought your self here says that you just need to redirect that hutzpa to do something passitve thats out of the box and do something big for the world.
     
    swifty82 likes this.
  8. Blondewife

    Blondewife Fapstronaut

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    Good for you! Welcome!

    The first step is deciding to change, and you have made it clear that you want to change. The next step, as sad as it may make you, is to delete your porn. You have proven to yourself that you cannot use it in moderation (if there is such thing) and you should never go back to that life.

    Good luck and we are here for you.
     
    swifty82 and Caveat Emptor like this.
  9. Hey What's Up Simon. I'm down to help you out and the people above are so correct about deciding to change. If you can keep that in mind you can do it and you need a big why. Why are you doing this? Your tough buddy and I felt it in your post when I read it. Keep up the hard work. If you ever need me , I'll be here.
     
    swifty82 likes this.
  10. swifty82

    swifty82 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the reply, yes you are right. A few days ago I took the step of deleting it from my laptop so that it is not easily accessible. Its now on an encrypted disk (incase I get run over by a bus no-one will have to find out!) which I have squirrelled away at the back of a cupboard under a load of boxes and random shit so that I can't get to it at night (which was when I would sneak downstairs and PMO without my GF knowing). I know its not deleting it per se, but it is a step in the right direction and to anyone struggling - get it off of your computer at least, so that it is hard to get to. It really helps as it becomes effort to dig it out. ultimately PMO is because we are allowing ourselves to be lazy, so if you can't bring yourself to delete it (yet....!) this is a step in the right direction and could make all the difference.

    GF is out of the country for 4 days as well right now, so I am alone in the house. Had a couple of really bad twinges, felt like i really, REALLY wanted to PMO but managed to resist, also having the P off of my computer like I said has really helped as it has made it a lot of effort to go through to pmo. Give it a try if you are struggling with deleting P.

    Keep it up fellas

    S
     
  11. swifty82

    swifty82 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks bro that means a lot. The first week was the hardest and it is tricky now the mrs is away but feeling stringer esp. after reading your post and the others. Let me know if I can help you out at all also dude :)
     
  12. swifty82

    swifty82 Fapstronaut

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    Well said man. Onwards and upwards :)
     
  13. swifty82

    swifty82 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks man :) Yes you are right posting and staying active does really help :)
     
  14. Keep up the great work Swifty82. Your doing doing an excellent job. Keep doing what your doing that's working. Remember your awesome and don't let anyone take that from you
     

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