Some question about rebooting

Hi,
as some of you know, i'm a new soldier ,i already did my introduction and also another topic, which maybe belong to this section, but i wrote this https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/my-nofap-2020-journey.266506/#post-2425093
in the section of 20-24.

Anyway, in this topic i wrote about , mostly , of my 2019 history and the start of 2020, i talk about a history with a girl, that its one of the reason i came back to masturbation daily and my life's issues in general.
Today, i will make a quick debrief and also some question i have for all of you guys.
I've been doing masturbation, in the first years, daily, from 12 years old to basically now (23), not more than one in a day, mostly with videos, with some pause, i can say i did more than one week, i never did a full year of masturbation, i want to make it clear and the times i was engaged in a relationship ( i had officially just one girl) from late 16 to mid 18 but, i have to say that we never had, well, make out, even if i wanted too, her was just not sure about it, she never told me that she wasnt phisically attracted by me, her answer was Always the same, "i want, and i need to wait to make this the ONE and Best experience", during these period, i was only masturbating, ye i know, not a good call. I didnt force her, as i knew her family wanted to, wait for marriage, to let her daughter do these kind of things… even if we both loved eachother, our relationship changed, both of us changed, our behaviour , we became cold, distant, while she was on university and even if we tryed to keep it together, we preferred to ,as it was really hard to, quit the relationship, but not the friendship, what a mistake since, we quickly figured it out that we was still jealous ,when i talked about some girls .

I didnt have particular issue with porn, until i figured it out, that after i broke with my ex girl, and even if i didnt (as you can read on the other topic) told my feelings to the other girl, i figured that i have issue with porn, you may ask… how?
Since i have zero contact with girls lately, in the last months, i came back to masturbating daily, just once a day but still daily, with straight videos, and if you read the other topic, to see if i can get erection with other kind of "things", i started doing cam , while other guys was, masturbating too. From july (2019) to January (2020), i did around 10 cams,from 8 minutes to 15 max, mostly with the same guy, that wanted other things but, i've been true with him by saying, that i like and Always will, girls, i wont make any other things other than masturbating in cam, so its this or nothin, he agreed.
I've never had thoughts about going with males, just in these months, as i wasnt fully enjoying my sessions with only watching straight porn, i asked myself what may happen if for once, i watched a gay videos, as i proved myself, that i got more satisfaction,
i think it was for, the new thing, in fact after some videos, my libido or i dont know how its called, came low again, i wasnt enjoying it, so for some days i came back to straight videos and it was like discovering it all again, in fact the first times were satisfying, but i got annoyed again.
So another idea came to my mind, i made an ad on some sites, asking for just males to , some cam sessions, i was surprised of how many guys wanted to (even if most of them, wanted a real meeting) i found one, a bit old actually, but as i said to myself, it was an experiment so, why not try? we did a quick cam, 6 or a bit more minutes, we both enjoyed it and, i have to admit that i enjoyed it more, than watching gay videos, he asked me for more but i refused, at start, but i told him to stay in touch. After this, i felt really bad, i asked myself what i am doing, why i tryed this thing, knowing that i only like girls? i never thought to make out with a male, its not what i am,
my eyes ,my head turn back to see a nice gorgeous ass of a girl, i never turned my head to see a male one, so lets skip the question, i'm straight or homo, because i know the answer..

i want to know why, i enjoyed these moments , more than just the videos, why i kept doing it, even if i felt guilty and depressed,apathetic for weeks, because i knew i did something that doesnt belong to me or there is something else?

its maybe that i need something new to increase my dopamine, or anything new its good to fill the hole, left by ex and to fill up an empty life with zero goals?

its fine that after 5 or 6 days, i feel a bit more hot than usual, this night, i wake up with an erection ,while making out with a girl , but i didnt finish the dream as, you know, i'm still a virgin, i dont know what happen next a long kissing session, well i can imagine as i saw a good amount of videos in my life but, i guess makin it for real is really different, thats why my head stopped imaginating it

and last ,for now, why, in some periods of a day, my mind, goes back to thinkin again, to these cam session?
i still got some of these images in my mind, but also think, of my ex, but this happens when i feel a bit more low than usual.

sorry for my bad grammar, in makin these question i was in a bit of a hurry with my mom calling for lunch,
and even more sorry for the long thread… i hope you can help me with answering some of these questions, as i got maybe a few more..

thanks in advance, for anything… have a nice day

 

Thanks you, both for your answers and efforts.

Yeah, i knew it had to do something with my behaviour with porn , and i didnt add my shyeness and often my voice breaks when i talk with girls in general. Lately i'm forcing myself to talk more with girls than i used to… even when i was with my girlfriend, well… it was difficult at start, as there were more pauses than talkin, at start, but she was ,well,she is, shy too, all we did to pass these moments was to laughs off on ourself, saying " hahah you cant talk to a grown beautiful man" and her answer " you could not talk with a girl without scratching your head, eheh" that was true… it was because i was very nervous, more with her in general…
I know it takes time to heal, as i read many success story here, some require months, some even a full year, i cant pretend to be fully healed in some weeks,
i know it because, suddendly while its running the first week after the last one masturbation (5 Feb), i started to get some thoughts or imagining things , things i did in cams, mostly when i'm bored and doing nothing
When i'm in bad mod, it happens when in my low moments that i start to see again my ex, in my head, even feel like its near me, sometimes… luckily not often… it's like i feel her breath on me, a warm breath, crashing on my neck...ok… its better that i stop talkin about her.

I feel a bit better to know that this thing has a name, and many people are currently into it… a bit of relief and also a hope, the hope that everyone can win this battle and us, as soldiers, should never,even give up on fighting. It is my motto and it Always be with me.

I guess anyway,that some days are harder than Others, until this morning, i didnt have any thoughts, i was running smoothly in my ,atm, a bit confused life, while i'm trying to figure it out, what should i do to get a job, a job that i like, also trying to get out more often, maybe come back to gym, like i did last year for about 3 months before getting injured.

I know its impossible to erase these memories on my mind, i cant forget the crash i had 2 years ago, on january with my car, i still see the moments, right before the crash… and this happened 2 years ago, not last few months. I know that everytime, someone, try to look for a memory in his head, even if you struggle to remember, Unconsciously , its like you give this memory some energy, in that way it becomes harder to forget.

Maybe there's no forgetting, not for all things, sometimes we should accept the things we did and just move on, learn the lessons so you can be better in the future, and one day… the time, will make every hurtful moments, to hurt less, i know it is, it has to be like that.

 

So, i reassume the last week or the last few days, i will do a recap too on the other topic, but i prefer to write it here, before.

In the week that passed, i been though different situations, there were days when , after i woke up, my "thing" was awake and fully erect, and my mind started to imagine, an encounter with a girl, that the time i went to gym was Always lookin at me, following me whetever i was doing an exercise and my mind, without me doing nothing, started to imagine me with her, in intimacy, doing, you know, some stuff, kissing, preliminary and the act of , you know.
I have to admit it was, really, a pleasure to have this, lets say a daydream, as i was aware of what was happening , i didnt force anything at all, and neither i did start a masturbation, no i didnt, i was just enjoying these moments, because they happened few times , not all days but in a week, it happened 5 times for sure.
One with this girl and Yesterday, and also today, i had one with a different woman. This one is a saleswoman, and she ,when he see me, she Always smile and look at me in a malicious way, she more than one time, tryed to touch me, without saying anything, it was a soft touch, and Always with her smiles on. I remember once that, we met in a supermarket, and she volunteery, touched my shoulder, with saying " where you been, i didnt see you on the store for week".
Thats right, i didnt volunteery, go there because, well, i was still doing my PMO that time, with cams, and i didnt get the signals back then, now, with my mind, mostly clean, i see these things in a different way, i dont know.
She is a mature woman, around 57 or 60, i dont know for sure, she is good looking, a bit fatty, but a nice body , and lately, well , the last 2 days, i had these daydreams, with her, in the store, me trying to make the court ,and after that, making out on, i dont know, i think it was the bathroom.

ok i stop there, i wont add any details, again, in these moments, i didnt start to masturbate or anything, i just, left my mind to imagine, and my thing, was staying awake, the Whole time, to stop it, i just need to open my eyes, and i do, after about 20 30 minutes, with a smile on my face.
I dont know, and i dont think its a relapse or reset, i didnt masturbate, well i thought to do it , last week but i didnt, i think this is a big step, forward
Anyway, i still ask, is it a relapse or my mind want to tell me something?