Only attracted to mentally ill women?

I can only speak from my own experience, but I hope you find it helpful. In the past, I often felt as you do. I was attracted to "damaged" girls because I always felt that, as someone who was "damaged" myself, that the two of us could come together and improve each other's lives. But I realized that this was a fantasy I was chasing, the idea of two damned souls coming together to produce something good. This fantasy often stemmed from literature, film, and the other usual suspects.

As I slowly began the process of working on and understanding myself and the issues I had, I became incredibly confident to the point that I often surprised myself with how I carried myself without conscious effort. I no longer considered myself "damaged" because the issues I once had were no longer there. Once I reached this point in my life, my attraction to "damaged" girls shifted from a fantasy of mutual misery to a fantasy of "I can save her." In my own arrogance, I developed a god complex of sorts, thinking that I was the one who could "fix" these women.

After being burned (badly) by such girls, I am now at a point in my life where I no longer find them attractive at all. Once you work on yourself, your perception of reality will change. You said that you've discussed this with a therapist and friends, and they told you to stay away from such women. This is solid advice; advice that I myself received many times. But sometimes, no matter how solid some advice may be, our own arrogance prevents us from listening, and we end up learning the hard way anyway.

The best answer I can give is this: the attraction that you and I both shared for these women stems from some kind of need to be dependent on another human being for our own happiness or sense of worth. It's possible that it's rooted in childhood (big surprise there). I've seen this in women I've involved myself with that had daddy issues, and they often hopped around from bed to bed looking for masculine affection, and were fatally attracted to the abusive or controlling men in their lives.

As far as what you should do? I say continue to work on yourself and build a life that you find worth living. Remember that women are a complement to a man's life. They should enhance your life, not take away from it. As you continue to grow in your life, you will be able to easily recognize when people are good or bad for you. A good way to measure this is whether they give you energy, or siphon it away when you are in their presence.

When two people who have worked on and understand themselves come together, they are two independent wellsprings of life that build and create when they come together. When two damaged people come together, they are two dependent vampires that drain and leech the life from one another until nothing remains, and they move on to the next. Do you want to build or leech?

This reply has gotten rather long-winded, but I hope you found some value in it. Just don't lose hope. From one internet stranger to another, you are not alone. The fact that you are even thinking about these kinds of things is fantastic, because you know it's something to work on. Keep improving your life and don't let these types of women drag you back down into whatever hell you worked so hard to climb out of. Take care brother.

 

I have found that it is best to keep past problems in the past in the beginning of a relationship. If a situation arises where that past experience becomes relevant, then I share. It is difficult to move on from the past if one keeps focusing on it. Once I know a girl well, I will share some things, but even then I am reserved in that regard. Call me a bit traditional, but I just think that guys shouldn't be overly emotional in a heterosexual relationship. Women like strong men, and they treat them well. They treat weak men terribly, and so I refrain from painting myself in that way, as I am no longer that person.

With regard to your 3 reasons, I'll address them one at a time:

1. This seems to be an issue of confidence and experience to me. No woman is "out of your league." Some women will like you, others will not. That's all there is to it. It is understandable that highly attractive women intimidate you, I know they've intimidated me, but if you look at them as people first, rather than potential sexual partners, interacting with them becomes effortless. Talk to them as you would anyone else, and if they want to pursue something more, you'll know (though be wary of the manipulative, puppet-master types, they just want attention). Many of the most attractive women you'll meet will also have issues, sometimes even more than those women you may deem to be less than ideal. Pretty women receive an abundance of male attention, and as such can be just as damaged as anyone else due to abuse, stalkers, or practically any other disgusting thing you can imagine. This can actually make them HARDER to deal with than other women, as no one has ever had the balls to call them out on their issues and just smiled and nodded in hopes of getting into their pants. All of this is to say that if you shift your view of women away from sex objects and instead view them as people, you will be able to weed out the troublemakers, and their looks will no longer have power over you. Remember, looks do not equal value, and they fade over time. You are not inferior to pretty women. People are people, no matter where you go.

I'm reminded of the infamous figure from Greek Mythology, Medusa, whose gaze would turn men to stone. A lovely metaphor. Luckily for us, Medusa is just that, a myth. The paralysis you feel can be overcome.

2. It seems like there is a lot to unpack in this one, but I'll just say what I think is helpful. You say that damaged girls would probably understand your fear of sex more, which can be a troublesome way to view it. If you meant that, since these girls have been through troubling things sexually, that they will also have a fearful attitude towards sex, and therefore understand your viewpoint, then this is definitely unhealthy. But I think you meant more so that these types of women would be more accepting of you and your (assumed) PIED as you work through it. Again, I would reiterate the importance of being able to have an independent source of confidence, and would point out that you wrote "In my mind..." which indicates to me that this is an obstacle that you will probably have to overcome on your own, and no woman can save you from yourself. I think doing NoFap will help you with this issue, slowly, over time. Your fear should change into enthusiasm as you reboot. We must of course remember the website we are speaking on, we are all here because we have trouble breaking free from porn, myself included. Stay on the straight and narrow, and I'll strive to do the same.

3. I would encourage you to think about how porn has shaped your sexual preferences and fetishes over time, and also remind you that most people have consumed at least some form of pornographic content in their lives, men and women. "Normal" women have sexual desires just like anyone else, and may even share some of the things that you like. The key issue I think I see in this point (and in thinking about my own life) is that we elevate pleasure above all else, which is foolish. When we see a woman and think something like, "Man, she looks classy, she'd never let me..." or "Wow look at her, I bet she's a freak" I think we once again fail to see a person. Don't worry about sexual fulfillment upfront. If you and her get along well and things reach the point of sexual intimacy, you can then explore together. Don't let your own assumptions prevent you from potentially meeting an awesome girl that just might surprise you.

In writing my responses to your posts, I find myself thinking about my own issues just as much as yours, and working these thoughts out in writing has been immensely helpful for me as well, so thanks for giving me that opportunity. I hope what I wrote helps you too.

 

I have a friend just like you. If you see yourself as a demage person you will attrack and be turned on by the same people. You will be conftable with them and in some degree if they are more demaged than you will feel better about yourself.
Sometime you can fall into this girls because you like to help people.

If you become proud of yourself and the life you are carring you will never gave a damaged girl a minute in your life.

 

Thats why when you go out on a date look for traits you want in a women and red flags that say to you RUN . No one is perfect but some women need a therapist more than they need a boyfriend.

 

I know a lot of guys feel an urge to 'white knight' but, given how much damage a toxic relationship can do, it's better to recognise the red flags and avoid.

People are drawn to what is familiar. That's why you see individuals continually making 'bad decisions' and picking someone who will provide them with the endless drama that they are more comfortable/familiar with. It sounds like you're serious about working on your own issues - but don't sabotage yourself by surrounding yourself with someone who isn't helping themselves. I can well believe the 'crazy ex' was more open to all sorts of sexual escapades. However its likely that was because she also felt she wasn't worth more .. so you were both in a bad place.

To improve yourself you want to spend as much time as possible around friends who are taking a positive direction with their lives. For example if you are trying to give up alcohol you wouldn't spend all your time around people who always have a bottle on the go

 

I've got a theory on this honestly and I'm the same. I read something on this very topic once and it's very interesting.
It might be because they know how to activate the emotional regulation centers in our brains. They just activate our dopamine pathways more.
Because they're unstable you're never "sure" about them and the relationship is a rollercoaster. This rollercoaster feeds addiction and might work better on our desensitized porn brains.
Maybe the low stimulation of a stable relationship just doesn't cut it while we're still addicted....