How did your addiction start?

I was 8 or 9 years old at the time and the year was 2008. I was a normal happy kid. I made friends easily whether at school or in my neighborhood and played outside all day. When I wasn't outside I liked to play videogames, watch cartoons/anime, watch the patriots play on Sunday, and play with cars and toys. Typical kid stuff. I was raised under good parents/family members and in a good enviornment. Never could I have ever fathomed that my life would go down the way it did.

One day I was watching television in the living room at my dads house. When I walked past the den I saw my sister watching a video of a man licking and sucking on a womans breast. I had never seen anything like that before and I couldnt believe my sister would be watching something like that so openly because their were no doors around the den. Anyone could see what she was doing. The video peaked the curiosity of my young pea brain and I began to sneakily watch the video without her noticing. Eventually she heard me and figured out what i was doing and closed the tab and never re opend it. I desperately hope she would. This moment was the pioneer of the downfall of my life.

The following days after the incident I would look at basic strip teases on youtube since they didnt allow nudity. Eventually I was tired of being teased and wanted to see some real nudity. I dont know what I typed into google or the URL but what I saw was the most shocking thing I have ever seen as a child. I discovered a porn website an old one as it had that early 2000s late 90s website look. I saw nude men and woman. Images of Men penetrating woman with their penises in both their holes. I did not know what a vagina or Semen was at the time so I had no idea WTF I was looking at. The feeling I felt was the feeling of discovering something you know you werent suppose to see. It was like the feeling of finding hidden government secrets or stumbling upon a demonic cult ritual. I could literally feel the evil just staring me in the face from my monitor. I immediately closed out of the website and vowed never to look at that website or any others ever again. However my curiosity was way to peaked....


The following days I would go back to that website and more vowing to never look at them again only to look at them again and again until i basically became desensitized to them and accepted them into my life. Newgrounds, a website I use to frequent to play flash video games on, had a mature section that I discovered. This is where I began to start watching cartoon/anime porn. I knew what I was looking at was wrong, but I couldnt stop myself.

During 5th grade my sister had graduated and went to university. My brother was out with his friends all day after school playing basketball and doing other things. My dad was a truck driver and only came home on Friday or Saturday and left on sunday or monday. I was alone for usually 8 hours after school giving me more than enough time to look at Porn and play hentai/cartoon porn games. I didnt know what masturbation was so all I did was just sit and watch it for hours sometimes.

When 5th grade was over I moved to maryland to live with my mom and my stepdad for middle school. I didnt have the apartment to myself but I did have my own room which was all I needed to do the evil deed. I eventually discovered masturbation and began to do it every single day, sometimes multiple times per day. I began developing acne, I thought it was just puberty, little did I know I was completely fucking up my hormonal balance. I would fap at the urinals at school wanking one out in 15-20 seconds before anyone could catch me and did it in other public bathrooms. I would either use porn or my imagination to masturbate.

 

But you were young. A kid is curious by nature. It's the parents job's to not make that kind of materials available to their kids.

 

This is very interesting to hear about. I often wonder what it is like for kids to grow up in this era with all the access to things. My exposure was more gradual, since it was not possible to load up a tube site in the mid '90s.

 

I was 13 years when my addiction started. Our family just got the internet, and I saw some rather provocative
images. My curiosity got the better of me and that us how I discovered P sites.

 

I don't know the age when I started but it was an age where I didn't even really have a sexuality evolved. I live in Germany. This country is known for having adult night programs after a certain time of the day on some television channels - and I'm talking about established channels. That way it was never very hard for us here to see naked women on TV - I also have to say, it mostly wasn't more than strip shows and nudity, shows where you could call to pay and chat, typical scam shit but it worked and still works the same way today.

That however was how I first came into contact with this industry. As I got a bit older - I would say 11 or 12, my 3 years older cousin slept at my familys house for a week as he did more often on holiday and showed us (my even younger brother and me) real porn for fun. I didn't really want to see it but it made me curious. Also, I didn't want to miss out, as many other classmates "saw these things" and it felt like it's cool to see these adult things too. And then once as my family left the house, I decided to look up this one website my cousin showed me on my own. I didn't even really know much about masturbation before I first watched my first porn video and that's pretty sad to be honest.

I could only do it like once a month and started masturbating to it pretty fast. The real going down started when I got my own laptop and I could finally stay in my closed room for doing it. The rest is just a downhill spiral. More often, harder material, longer sessions.

I was at a high school with many rich kids while my family was poor in comparison, so I never wore any expensive clothes and I was an outsider. In this vicious cicle porn also made we weirder so even less people wanted to hang out with me. I always stayed in my own circle of 2-3 close friends that also were kind of outsiders and this was my comfort zone. I also never could find a girlfriend as I felt ugly and inferior. Neither did I want, because I had porn. Missing friends really were speeding up my flight into the online world. My upward spiral started with finishing school and working different jobs, finding friends, making experiences with sex and working on and improving myself. But that I was really addicted... this is something I first knew two years ago. Never would I have known that porn would have negative consequences. I just never thought about it until I randomly found a youtube video about it. Classmates were talking about porn they've watched and pornstars they liked like it's normal to do it daily and I always thought the depression is just part of me. But these other people had something I didn't have - control over it and a stable life. They maybe weren't so deep into hardcore shit that I was already. So yeah, that's how my addiction started.

 

I was first exposed to it in the 1980's from my father's porn magazines. I also saw a popular cable channel that my parents subscribed to when I was little too. However, I never committed PMO to those. My addiction didn't really start until I was a young adult in my 20's in the military. I was sexually frustrated (poor self esteem/social skills) and that is when internet porn stepped into fill that void (2001). I have battled that demon ever since and have finally started to get a handle on it it with in the last year.