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Called Faggot

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Jugular, Mar 19, 2020.

  1. Jugular

    Jugular Fapstronaut

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    I'm 19 yo, Muslim Middle eastern with same sex attraction.

    i suspect that some of family members know i watch gay porn..... here is why

    When i was 14, i shared a computer with my older brother, i knew he was watching porn when i went to the browser history by chance ......
    i once left my browser history on gay porn and he did not say he checked anything but since then he has been calling me ''faggot'' in arabic as a matter of a joke in front of everyone ......
    In arab culture, it is a sign of brotherlyhood if u just go on with your brother as friends.... he could curse you in person (but not your parents) .... etc....

    Same goes for parents, they can curse themselves when they joke with you lol.... like they can say ''heeey son of a dog ...etc ....''

    Whenever we are on a dinner table and the family jokes together ... my mum loves to curse us (the boys) as a joke and i like it but my brother uses it as a way to curse and insult me.... he be like: '' yea faggot come on'' and he only says this word ........ which hurts me inside.... really .....

    i was once in my room back then when i was 15... there was a gay porn movie on my laptop (i no longer shared a computer with my brother) and i accidently fell asleep while watching it.... she got horrified just to see naked people on a screen (idk if she realized it was gay porn or not) and she immediatly woke me up screaming at me ..... i told her these were internet ADs that has nothing to do with me and that i did not open any of these ....... and immediatley closed them and she went out and i continued sleeping ........... tho i'm kinda suspcious she knows its gay ..........

    I Love my mum and she is adorable. i love joking with her a lot, but sometimes when she just calls me ''faggot'' i try my best not to seem awkward or whatever but it reaaaaaaaaly hurts me deep inside, and whenever i hear that word called out loud, i change the subject of joke no matter what.... which i think makes it more awkward for them.

    I'm telling you this because i just joked with mum a little bit and she called me with the word.

    Since last year, even my sisters have been giving me those looks of disgust from time to time, and they are always suspicious of what i'm doing in my room. they go in all of a sudden and just look at me to see what's happening... if i'm studying or not ....etc

    These couple weeks have been hard because i did not actually study at all and kept watching gay porn, so i was paying extra attention when to jerk off and pretend nothing had happened (Very risky), but i can't control it.

    Till this time, i did not watch porn or did any arousing act, hopefully the rest of the day continues in this manner.

    I hate being called with that word so much. Have you ever been to something like that, and if so, how did you react to get over it?
     
    palindromo likes this.
  2. Saythatagain

    Saythatagain Fapstronaut

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    I am sorry you are getting that in your own home. I understand cultural differences and family Dynamics will make situations much harder. I too felt similar things as you are are now. Once I committed to recovery (SA.Org) I have really grown in my understanding and acceptance. You describing the fear of them knowing and looking at you in this ways are things I and honestly most addicts dealt with daily. It keeps you down in shame but it's so hard to see that in the moment. There are lots of online meetings through Zoom where you can be hidden or visible if your interested. I've been in recovery for almost a year and so many different aspects of my life are vastly better. I'm only mentioning this to you as an option because family dynamics don't typically change nor are you able to escape from them easily. I'll be happy to help you with directions and this is nothing at all to do with your sexuality. Gay or straight or anything in between these problems still exist.
     
  3. Saythatagain

    Saythatagain Fapstronaut

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    I was called a faggot in high school and at 43 it still is very real and hurting.
     
  4. Jugular

    Jugular Fapstronaut

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    the thing is i have to live a double life every single day and on top of that i get insulted .... i don't know how long i'll be able to bare this ....
     
  5. Jugular

    Jugular Fapstronaut

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    i really would appreciate your help. thanks so much for offering me help. may i text you more often ?
     
  6. amaranth

    amaranth Fapstronaut

    Yes, the situation was... elementary school bullying basically; didn't even know what the word meant when they would call me 'gay' and all the synonyms (and I am homosexual), but they said it in such a way that I felt awful and upset and I would just ridicule myself in some way, the most frequent one apparently being "playing tag" with them involuntarily, when they teased me, or I'd just freeze. Never told anyone about the bullying, just a few bits to my mom like more than a decade later, so that she would get some perspective on my introversion.
    But, it's really a broader issue, as many joke on that without any consciousness of how some people might actually get hurt.
    As I've seen people feeling good when teasing others, regardless of their feelings, I wonder: why not join the teasers in their enjoyment? That is, are they laughing? So am I (for a different reason, of course), even if I'm the target. Forgetting about the insult and not being swayed by it takes practice (which you can rehearse in your imagination, to be prepared). Not getting upset because of a tease might make that tease lose its flavor.
    Whatever the case, talking about such things is not easy for most people. Any kind of expression that's hurtful is never really about the receiver of the message, it's about images and ideas people have in their heads, assumptions about what should be, the ideal, the right, the wrong, the ridiculous. At the very least, know that it's most likely about them, not you. It may seem absurd or difficult to understand what this means exactly, but if you grasp it, things will be different. Taking steps away from a situation and leaving space to see what's actually going on from different perspectives usually does that.
    Hope this helps somewhat!
     
  7. C.HNF

    C.HNF Fapstronaut

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    Wait , u r saying that u r Arab and Muslim and yet your family jokingly call you faggot? Even your mom? Dafuuq? It's taboo to use such words in almost all Arabian countries, Egypt included, ma boiii. Maybe they use some Egyptian word that doesn't literally mean "faggot". Am not Egyptian but I love Egyptian movies and memes so am for that reason familiar with your culture and language.
    My question to you would be: do you identify as gay or do you suffer from HOCD? Because that makes a world of difference when ot comes to embarking in a NoFap journey, my dude.
     
  8. Jugular

    Jugular Fapstronaut

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    hey, Arab countries are not heaven. it's taboo to talk about lots of stuff ofc but they use this words among themselves only.... between friends and stuff same as most societies do ..... you can curse your buddy or do silly stuff ...etc ... that's not taboo anywhere in the word .... but ofc you can't say that to a complete stranger, then it would be an insult

    Also, Arabs are sinners, they are not walking angles, Strangers can insult during fights... that's not about arabs, its about humans.

    Also, ik what the translation to the word means. and it is the same as i said above.

    IDK what HOCD means but i only watched Gay porn since i was 13 yo and that's all what i know about me.
     
  9. Jugular

    Jugular Fapstronaut

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    I never showed being upset.

    I just usually get nervous inside (without showing) so i switch the topic.... i can't laugh when they just call me with this.
    I would laugh when my friends do, cuz they just do not know what i watch on porn websites.
    but my family kinda knows which makes me feel like it is an actual insult.
     
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2020
  10. amaranth

    amaranth Fapstronaut

    Aren't there any times when they address you in a proper manner? When I suggested laughing, it was more of a "laugh it off" attitude, like don't dwell on that too much (you can still smile, or laugh, of course).

    So, the difference is, they indirectly (but very often) criticize you for using p?
     
  11. Jugular

    Jugular Fapstronaut

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    yea kinda .............. tho i've been SOOOO careful during the last couple years to hide everything i do...... i also don't even put passwords so that they never get suspicious i watch porn or anything ...... just a try to lighten the way i get non-verbally treated .... and even sometimes verbally by calling me ''faggot''.........

    dude, if they saw that website on my laptop... stuff will get worse...... i have tough time logging in and out each single minute to check the website while they keep coming in and out of my room .......
     
  12. C.HNF

    C.HNF Fapstronaut

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    First of all, I never said anything about arabs being infallible or angels. You can sin all you want, my dude. It's your life. What I tried to point out is the fact that how come your brother would call you "faggot" at the dinner table and your parents wouldn't just respond to that? You and I know Arab families and how intolerant they are of cursing and whatnot. That's what stroke me as weird, bro.
     
  13. Jugular

    Jugular Fapstronaut

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    i
    i usually just don't react and proceed with my food, and just change the subject to anything related to food..... like my opinion over today's food ...etc
     
    amaranth likes this.
  14. Jugular

    Jugular Fapstronaut

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    i feel like this is a sterotypical type of thinking about arab families. they do those curses frequently among themselves (ALL of my friends' families have the same thing going around)........ A funny mum would curse her ''boys'' lol ofc...... that DOES NOT mean she's bad or anything. in fact, most arab mums are innocent as far as you can imagine. they never been exposed to anything sexual in their lives and they only know sacrifice and love for their husbands. but they just have fun with their kids in such way....
     
  15. C.HNF

    C.HNF Fapstronaut

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    I see. I get you now, man. This doesn't apply where I am from. Just out of curiousity, in the Egyptian Arabic dialect, what is the equivalent to the word "faggot"?
    Just wanna know. You can type it in Arabic; I am Moroccan btw.
     
  16. Jugular

    Jugular Fapstronaut

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    okay its خول
    hope you are satisfied now xD
     
  17. Jugular

    Jugular Fapstronaut

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    there are 3 words that describe homosexuality here:
    - shezooz = like Abnormal
    - Methlya Jensya (A new term) = homosexuality
    - Khawal = Faggot
     
  18. C.HNF

    C.HNF Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for taking the time to reply, my dude. I am satisfied to know the word. I thought it was something like : يا ابن الكلب, or يا اابن الوسخه.... You know, the typical Adel Imam cliches. But as it turned out, it's a totally different insult. I have literally tho just seen that insult on an Egyptian meme group and was wonder what in hell it meant x)
    See the attached ss.
    As for your brother, why don't u just tell him that you hate being called that?
     

    Attached Files:

  19. Jugular

    Jugular Fapstronaut

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    no ofc..... i've always been muscline and self-dependant person. this shows i'm very week. on top, this is a verbal confirmation that i do like guys .... idk if you get me........ a straight guy would act cool about being called faggot.
    you know i can marry a girl and get kids like MANY People do, but i don't wanna put myself in a situation where i just be careless about my partner. most Egyptian girls i know are innocent. they see a man as a protector and a careful person. they can't be independant like women of the west. they have to be taken care of, and i know that i can not take care of a woman with true honesty. i will be a liar.

    idk what's ur orientation and it might sound weird to you, but all what i wanted is just to live with someone i truely love for the rest of my life without fear, even if it was a guy. that's the kind of care i would like to give and be given.

    What you see in movies is not always true about Egypt too. it's a country with many tapoos, what do you expect to see? all lies.
     
  20. Jugular

    Jugular Fapstronaut

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    and yes, Egyptian Families would NOT say as such agressive words.... the parents would just not curse themselves lol.... they can say the one ''son of a dog...'' these are like normal curses i guess but not the offensive sexual kind of curses..... they would curse their kids any curse but would not include ''son of ....''. hope you got me.
     
    C.HNF likes this.

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