Called Faggot

@amaranth
Simply, i can't. Everyone is fearful of everything.

if you have enough time, read this:


19 yo Middle eastern. growing up, i was always a golden child to my family. my dad was not that much careful about us in general during my childhood, and i don;t blame him or blame anyone. during childhood i used to watch TV with family. they liked seeing those TV serieses that had a love story. i always focused on men within the story, and had many happy dreams being a child of one of them.

i was introduced to porn when i was 11 years old. i had urges by seeing ''actual porn''. it was straight porn. i kept searching for gay porn for long while, but i was ignorant enough not to know any sexual words. i did not know what ''gay'' meant until i found gay porn when i was almost 13. when i saw that kind of porn, my heart pumped loud. i could finally see something i fantasized about.

i was lucky enough not to be bullied at school, i had the greatest friends and everyone seemed to like me for no reason. i hanged out with my friends a lot.... causual hangouts .... in our culture we would be happpy being just together ... we don't drink alcohol, we usually don't go out with girls and it would be considered very normal... instead we go to cinemas, cafes ... talk a lot... sometiems about girls and stuff.... i did not talk about girls and everyone always thought it was because i was a respectful kind of a person (due to our culture) so they never knew about my sexuality.

getting over high school, i did really good job and was qualified to persue medical school. All of my close friends were separated, we live in the same city but being in different colleges made it hard for us to meet up again, so i kinda lost connection.

in the university, i could feel that everyone looked at me with eyes wide open. they thought i'm a really smart person. i worked hard since day 1. most of the students were new to the thing and they took their time to figure out how to study for medical school. i had those other smart ones too that were competing me. During my first semester i had this attraction to LOOTs of people. i made some friends that i considered close. i became a pretty known person and everyone was willing to get to know me.i did great on my first semester and came at a very good position out of all the 1500+ medical students that time.

on the second semester that year we had very tough topics for all of us. i procrastianted a lot and was lazy many times too. most of the people who got close to me as friends leveled up their game and could do actually good on the second semesester. i fell down a little bit because i realized i was jsut distracted by the thoughts i had towards other guys out there. i shared some very breif eye contact with many of them and i felt some of the many had same sex attraction just like me.

once a time, we were having a practical session on blood pressure measurment. we split into groups of two, my partner was someone i looked at in admiration since the beggining of the year. he is calm handsome shy person who i always felt was afraid of everything around him. once we had to do the measurment technique, the place was crowded, everyone was busy with their partner trying to measure the blood pressure corretly. i brought my hands closer to his arm with the cuff to tie up on him and realized i had an urge... i was really embarrased but i acted nothing happened at all. it was his turn and i was not very surprised that he also had an urge. when i confronted, he immediatley got scared and sat somewhere far without anyone noticing. i could understand his fear.
we acted cool and normal as if nothing happened at all, and i tried and still try to avoid him most of the time. but i can see that he always puts the smile mask on his face whenever he goes.

I thought those people looked at me in admiration because i looked smarter than i'm. i feel like i'm wrong. some of them just look at me because they are actually emotionally attracted to me. i can count them in numbers. i feel like i have something in common with these people but we always ignore and we never talk. we give each others those silent looks every time we encounter.

i once had to take some paper that belonged to me. it was with someone that used to give me these looks. i usually thought of him as a confident person that most people including girls look at in admiration (just like my case). it happened that he was the one who had those papers of all students. it was my first time talking to him asking him about my paper and when he asks for my name he immediatley gets nervous as if he is a child.... that confident person hesitated spelling my name and made it wrong multiple times till i turned it into a funny situation so that no1 actually catches up that he's hestitating.

My second year came in, and i started as fresh as my first year, but i started to recognize more people which made me fall more into my thoughts. my grades started to really drop that all of my friends who got close to me now, could top all my grades. i felt so depressed and that i'm not good enough to face my thoughts.
when i keep thinking of my reality while being alone in the room, it keeps taking me away and consuming my time that i can barely study.

i decided that i need to go somewhere in public where im surrounded by people to concentrate on my work. i did go several times to a public zone where people study and i did study, but there was that time that i see an older person than me that i immediately stared into the eye. when i looked in the first time, he looked back and i was so afraid so i turned my head away. i then started to look again and he suddenly did too. i could see so much sorrow and pain with his eyes. i admired how calm he was while studying and how innocent his eyes were. i kept giving silent looks from time to time but he tried his best to ignore and avoid it. he moved around several times trying to search for somewhere behind me so that i can't see him. it kept on like this nearly for 4 hours, then he took his bag and left which made me really feel sad.

after this moment, i got back home and i knew something is definetly wrong. i searched for any website where i can write my experiences on. i rememebred one called ''NoFap'' that i knew for a long time but never used. i went there in an attempt to seek anyone with common background even if western with much different culture. i found really more than i imagined i can. some people aging 60+ yo have reached out to me and kept supporting me. others that were 30+ yo who told me how to go through what i was going through. other who just waited me to update them with what happens to my life. i never thought or imagined i could speak out about this. i'm even afraid if any of whatever i say get enough recognition to the extent that anyone i talked about in the previous paragraphs can see. i never know if these people use the same websites i use to expel my feelings. i never wanna put anyone in danger. i never want anyone to feel insecure.

i live in a place where i'm almost sure that if people knew about me, i will either be disowned by my family or be killed. we live in a culture where we are not allowed to experiment anything with our sexuality. i don't necessarily think it is a horrible way to live but i also think experimenting is not everything. i realized that people who had a reach to sex in their early lives lost the true meaning of relationships, especially with what i've learned about LGBT community, they can experiment as much as they can, and mostly because men are sexual, they would do that alot and alot. by time, i beleive this would corrupt the true meaning of love. so i'm not complaining that i don't get to experiment with others, whether males or females.

i've been using porn heavily lately, which is one of the reasons i don't keep up with my studies. but i always found it as a way to shut my feelings down when i'm around those people who have same sex attraction. i also watched many romantic movies when my heart was full during the many nights, to make me feel warm enough to stop my night cries and help me sleep.

one of the ways was also following gay youtubers in disguise. i watch these channels everytime i come back home from my university to give myself some funny time watching them doing all the funny challenges they do. i watched some of them sending donations to ''trevor project'' and i could see that it is a place that can help LGBT youth in the world. i tried to connect also to a website called Ahwaa.org specified for LGBT in the middle east, but the interaction overthere is really quite. noone feel safe enough to share anything. even me. we got governments that would follow us on social platforms to arrest us someway or another.

i wanted to share some about myself. i don't know if my life would get any better or how i will live it in the future. i can either decide how to live it if i'm free enough or chain my thoughts as usual.

all what i can ask for whoever reads this, is not to share any of the stories mentioned above on any kind of platforms other than this platform. i mentioned before that i never want anyone to feel insecure by reading this.

Thank you for your time.

 

@VeganRights Thank you so much for the patience to follow up my stories. i appreciate that. i definetly agree that lust and love are totally different. My mental health is getting worse over time. i can't count the headaches i keep getting everyday just thinking of what my future is ever going to be like. I had set a date to end my life in 2030 for a reason. for now, i don't know what my life is going to be like. Hopefully my mindset changes or a miracle happens to turn my life upside down into a better one.
Thanks for the warm wishes <3

 

Can't thank you enough my friend for your time to reply me another time back. i so much appreciate the fact that you read my stories so your first messege was definetly priceless. i usually don't get attention from anyone on any website. only few people have enough patience to read about me. so thank you again for the wishes. i will keep my life going the way it is. you are right, everything is liable to change and i beleive everything gets better over time.

 

@palindromo no i can't call them back such a thing.... not even my brother because he is the elder one .... it's complicated here ...... i can curse him but not as aggressive as he can since he is the older one, or it would be recognized as in insult if you do curse him those agressive ones.

I'm trying my best to quit porn you know....... it's just very tough to experience a life where i can show love to no1 and having to shut my feelings off..... porn and gay youtube has been my escape of emotions everyday. I know porn is negative but i also appreciate that it gives me the pleasure for the sadest days.
Thans for writting me back <3

 

I use NoFap to write my thoughts and my feelings that i can tell no one about, not even a therapist here. so yea..... i think porn is overriden. sometimes it has the most wonderful love stories that can give anyone a warm heart... it really helped me overcome the many nights i had to cry. On the other hand, it gives me access to lusts and makes me overthink about them which is the bad part about porn websites.

I wish you the best of luck in your journey man, it's really rare to find people as such, who try their best to find the real qualities and true meaning of love. Keep going and feel free to text me anytime, i would love to hear from you ^^

 

@juniormelville I'm trying to go through my head every night. i have many plans in life but there are also many obstacles. these are internal obstacles that can't get out of my soul as well as external ones related to the society and family. i agree porn is a negative thing but i can't deny the fact that it gives me happiness even if momentarily. knowing the fact that you can never get a real life partner that you can show love and care about is too hard. my fact will always be that i can't share anything with anyone forever. i used romantic movies a lot to give me some warmth to sleep the nights.

62 days is a very good acheivment sir, Good job !!

 

@juniormelville i live in a place where it is too dangerous to have a partner of same sex. not to mention, most guys i see on middle eastern LGBT support groups are just horny. no1 appreciates love. i can say that i encountered 4 or 5 people in my university that i get to see frequently who can appreciate love. i can never have those people in my life sir.

One of the obstacles have always been my mum. i love her so much to death. as a student, my plan was to finish medical school and apply for USMLE to work as a physician in the USA. this can not happen at least before 2026. i thought about it and my mum was always in my head. i can't leave her and just live somewhere else in the world to get myself the life i craved for. when i go to US i expect myself to be with a partner. i Love my mum in such a way that i can't express. i can't get over that, even if she insults me either on purpose or not. i had another thing that i wrote about it, maybe i show it to you:

29th October 2030
i don’t know why im typing this right now, i was in my bed this moment about to sleep after reading a lot about LGBTQ. i’ve been struggling lately so much trying to figure out my future as a gay arab.
since i was young, i never imagined losing any of my family members. i love them to literal death especially my mum. i know they are all homophobic and they would hate me if they find out what i’m like.
i came to accept myself finally this year as a gay person. i’ve had happy moments a lot in my life. Porn gave me a huge part of it.
In my bed right now, my mind had to get these thoughts of me being alone or losing someone of my family, and i just wanted to say that i hope they are alive till i turn 30 years old. i will probably have been graduated and worked a little bit in my field (medicine) and that will be really enough for my life. i will commit suicide once i turn 30 years old. my brothers and sisters will probably be married, i don’t know if i wil have to trick a girl into marrying me. i don’t want anything from life and i can’t bare the idea of losing them. i’ll be dead anyways so i won’t feel their sorrow for losing me.

 

Yea i really can't expect what to happen in 10 years ahead from now, maybe my life will be turned upside down into a much better one but my soul will always have this inner conflict that brings me the nightmares in many nights. I agree, i should be living everyday for what it is and plan for a better future. i should not really be that much pessimestic but for me my furture ''intimate relationship wise'' is very vague and unknown.

 

I totally agree <3. my dad lost his parents already and yet he's still alive. i have many reasons for my decision above that i would not really like to share publicly but you are absolutly right. I'm not the only one who love their parents that much, ofc there are many others who loved them as much as i do and eventually lost them and their lives continued. 2030 is like a date of red line to me, i will end my life if i find it miserable enough to do. if it was not then definetly i would not do that.

Thanks a lot for your empowering words <3