I’m honestly afraid

I have been turning the tide for the last several months against porn and masturbation. The slips that used to be weekly are now more on a monthly basis, and now more than ever I can step outside of myself and say “you will not be happy doing thing”.

All that said, as I sit here today, 15 days in, and 15 days before that - I feel so far from peace. I’m married and love my wife with my entire heart, but I am struggling to want sex because I have so much shame and embarrassment. I feel all of these mental obstacles in my way, like my brain will do anything to make me falter: doubt, remorse, emptiness, ineptitude.

I am at a loss, and working/living on quarantine makes me so scared for what lies ahead.

 

She is aware of what I am going through. I’m not necessarily committed to zero O - just zero O that concerns activity outside of her. Same for P and M.

 

I think that’s a really well articulated idea, and sounds very wise.

I’m afraid to propose such an idea, bc I don’t want her to believe this is her fault. We are both sensitive people in some ways, and I think she finds ways to blame herself when it’s not at all her fault. I was struggling well before I met her - she’s the only person that has made me want to break this cycle of torment.

I love her more than I can even say, and want to beat this for the both of us.

 

Just to update: The last few days have been much better for me, and I have been able to just enjoy being around my wife and not place so much worry on myself. I’m sure that this is something that will continue to cycle to some degree.