Effect of sexual abuse

for a long time i minimized it or didn't face it but i *thought* it didn't effect me because fortunately my level of abuse was fairly mild.. but turns out it did.

 

For me I was a sex addict. The shame is insane. It feels like my clothes are stained and I dont know how to clean them.

 

this echos the agony of the writer of Pslam 51:
Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

 

I was "abused" around 7 years of age by a slightly older cousin. What messed with my mind and the reasons for the parentheses is I never understood it as abuse until the end of my marriage 7 years ago. In my mind I was shown something pleasurable, shown attention and it was something secretive. Little did I know what that little bump in my direction would lead me year after year. I read a lot of similar shares in this post that I relate. I was filled with anxiety, couldn't connect, had few if any friends, sexualized everything and only driven by sex. I'm getting better but it has caused several failed relationships, anger issues bad enough to have me arrested and a lack of connection with my kids and those that try their best to love me. I'm just now understanding that SHAME is a huge force in this. Recovery 12 step has helped making connections and friendships, trying hard to be honest and vulnerable and getting to point where I'm not allowing my urges to control me. It gets better but it is really hard. I mean really really hard. But I want this more than I want that. I know I'm capable of doing all the crap that others have discussed. I also know I'm capable of not doing it so the journey continues. Keep going!