I'm addicted.

bro you got this. I didn't start this journey until I was looking at my amazing wife leaving my ass and taking our daughter. I realized that there are more important things in life other then my own self pleasure or an addiction. I wake up every day. Read some NoFap with my coffee and have the killer mindset that I will not let this shitty awful thing beat me and have me lose the two most amazing things in the world. Stay the course brother.

 

This is a good time to tell a story I've been meaning to tell for months, the story of the fuck its.
One of the people who helped me a lot in getting free from having to use pm+ told me about someone he knew who was a prostitute. She struggled with other things, doubtful if she would have considered pornography or masturbation a problem in her life if she used then at all but the basic story is the same for all of us: addict, tries to stop for years or even decades, no matter how hard they try or what they try never seem to be able to stop. And she had a group she often tried, kind of like this group here on nofap, addicts trying to help addicts, sharing their feelings and experiences, call it ND like NF. She would be in the group and her counter going up (this story happens to be about a female prostitute but of course it all could just as easily be a story about a person of any gender, in fact I'll bet there's lots of people who share only a little of her life story but have a bad case of the fuck its as you'll read about in just a minute). My friend says you could tell that she had once been a friendly and attractive person but she kept leaving, come back done time later reporting slips and each time took a toll, when she would slip you could see the deleterious effects (not like us, the negative effects are very hidden even from ourselves).
She was persistent, each time she would Try real hard to do everything people suggested. And she would feel hope in those times, she was achieving her goals and feeling much better. She said one of the many times she got active again "you know I've been here many times, and it's always the same. I feel better I get a real job I quit all that bad stuff. But then I think to myself one day 'fuck it.'". She didn't explain about that because she didn't have to, everybody knew what she meant because they'd heard the equivalent in their head or heart a hundred times too. Then she said "nothing good comes after 'fuck it'" and smiled ruefully. Many people laughed knowingly and thanked her, they liked what she had shared. A few days later my friend noticed she wasn't around again, wasn't active in ND. She stayed away for a long time, a lot longer than usual. Then they found out her body had been found in a dumpster. The police had reason to believe that a business associate had killed her.

Obviously the details especially the end are not exactly the same for many of us. I was going to say "definitely not me" but if I kept acting out the way I did seven years ago the trend would eventually take me to some variation. In a way were very lucky to be having this conversation because it means we haven't quit trying. That's what a case of the fuck its is is giving in to despair as a reason to use pm+as a drug. And like she said, nothing good comes after fuck it. Might not be as bad as her last but it won't be good and we all want good things. I never had a fatal case of the fuck its but I can definitely corroborate that nothing good comes after fuck it. Say tomorrow I get to feeling whatever and I say fuck it and act out, I probably won't die in fact it'll just be pornography and masturbation most like. Project out twenty years... Probably I'm not physically dead but....

 

Thanks for reading it! Yesterday I felt triggered by something online and prethought got angry, the anger said "fuck you" to the person and the people who put that picture up. But then I said with chagrin "no... Don't fuck you" and I had to laugh at myself which out me in a much happier kinder state within a couple seconds. Basically irelearned that being happy about being addicted feels better than being angry about being addicted, and the same towards triggers and people and really everything. Makes sense, happiness feels better than anger, the trick for me is practicing that as a way of life.

 

Stay strong Bigby!