Serious Relationships as a 22 yo Christian

I don't think I'm going to find anyone who takes a relationship as serious as I do in my early 20's. It's a little disappointing, and maybe I'm expecting too much from people, but I feel that the kind of people I date, Christians, are not really looking for a potential marriage partner and instead just want someone to pass the time. I don't want to pass the time. I want someone who is on fire for God as much as - if not more than - me. I want someone who knows how to communicate their needs (ex: one of my dates would not get in touch with me to let me know what kind of communication schedule works best, so I was reaching out to them everyday because I told myself "I would feel appreciated if they sent me a text or two everyday just to keep me updated" and so I went the route of treating them as I would have liked to be treated, and as a result I came off as "inappropriately enthusiastic") and isn't afraid of lovingly letting me know when I'm messing up and how to fix it or how some personal things are too personal. I want someone who sees it the same way I do: that dating really only makes sense for us if we are potentially going to stay with this person for the rest of our life. I want someone who is serious about that

I understand that things take time and pacing is everything (I wouldn't unload on someone during the initial conversation, for example, how I struggle with pornography and what my childhood was like and what I went through in the Army and how I struggle with Aspergers), but I WOULD mention it after we have spent some time talking to each other so that person is aware that there are things that will eventually be experienced by them. This is a major turn-off for some reason, but I want the women I'm dating to know as much about me as possible so that they do not waste their time and neither do I. However, I have yet to meet ANYONE who is into that. As someone who is seeking a person to eventually marry, it makes ZERO sense and I feel like everyone my age is only interested in having fun and going out and getting a taste of everyone and everything before settling down. If I have to wait til I am older and everyone in my generation has settled down, that's fine, but it really is frustrating that not a lot of people are keen on talking about the important things and are only focused on the fun times.

In my opinion, a partner (of which I would be one myself) is meant to encourage and inspire you to do better, to be a support as you are going through whatever it is you are going through and to be your cheerleader whenever the going gets rough or you succeed in whatever endeavors you have set yourself to. And, especially for us Christians, to be your support as you continue the race and draw ever closer to God. I go into my relationships with those goals, leaving myself very open to whatever schedule that person would need (if I were told I could only talk to a date once a month, for example, I could do that because I understand how personal lives go and, if the setting matched the extreme amount of time I couldn't talk to that person and they weren't just being shy about wanting to call things off, it would totally be worth it because I have plans of potentially marrying them), willing to engage in whatever conversation they want to have and willing to enjoy whatever they are into so long as it is biblically appropriate. I have not met anyone who can or is willing to do the same.

Maybe I am just being severely autistic about all of this (not an insult, as I genuinely do have Aspergers), but I feel that there is a lot to a relationship that people my age do not fully understand. Or maybe I don't understand and I'm moving too fast. Idk. But it really does suck, and I really wish that I could meet someone who could match my emotional and caring output.

 

So you're saying be their friend first? I feel pretty retarded right now, not gonna lie. That sounds pretty straightforward.

I mean, when I'm interested in a woman, I guess I kind of forget that. I'm VERY open and accepting of whatever it is people are going through so long as they are willing to change, so I kind of have that expectation of others when I decide to date them (and I do let them know that in a more pleasant way, hence why I havent had a date last longer than two weeks), but for me that's pretty rough to handle. Cause, I mean, with my friends I can be as open as I want and they're still there and we have pretty solid friendships (though, admittedly, I do not have a lot of friends because I require that I can trust them pretty well to call them a friend) and I'm known to be a pretty supportive and caring guy, to the point where I consider it a gift from God how open minded I am to a lot of what people have gone through and struggle with and just being there to help them.

But, of course, if I was so good I wouldn't be having an issue of meeting people. Yeah dude, relationships are hard, not just romantic...

 

Yeah, that much I am aware of hahahaha. Definitely will not be meeting women at bars or clubs that are, in my opinion, wife material.

It is tough, though, cause the same can be applied to my friends: I have a hard time making any because my standards for what makes a friend are so stringent. I am great with MANY people, but I wouldn't call many friends. That trust is hard to find in people. But the few that I do are so worth it having around.

 

Friend, your story touches my heart so deeply. Please, please do not give up hope! I think you will find a great woman someday. You have exactly the right heart and attitude to make for a great, godly husband, and I'm sure He has someone out there for you. It just isn't the time yet.

Let me tell you, you remind me of my husband. (I'm a woman, by the way.) He was, still is, exactly like you in so many ways. This is what he was searching for, and it took him a long time to find it. He was 27 when we got married, but I was only 20, so if we had met when he was 20, I would have been 13. Yikes!

It was not the right timing for him to meet me yet. God had some work to do on both of us before He brought us together.

Don't change a thing about your expectations, man. There are PLENTY of women out there looking for what you are looking for. And trust me, they are saying the exact same thing: "why do all these immature boys only want to mess around?? I want something real!"

What you are looking for is what God intended a marriage to be, and if that's something He has for you, He will come through. You just need to be patient and focus on Him in the meantime. Focus on being the man you want to be, and you will attract the kind of woman you're looking for.

Another thing I would recommend, if you aren't already, is to get involved in a church with people your age. I struggled for a while simply because my church was so small that there were literally only 3 guys even within appropriate dating age for me there: one was married, one I wasn't interested in, and one I had already dated. Zero other options.

Then I joined a larger church, forced myself to go to some young adult hang-outs. And I do mean FORCED! I was literally giving myself pep talks in the car about why it was important that I meet new people, and how I shouldn't bring my best friend with me because then I would just talk to her the whole night, etc. And that's where I met my husband. He was actually the very first person my age that I met at that church, and (no joke) we were married almost a year later. Lol been almost 7 years now, and I couldn't be happier.

I hope you are encouraged, friend. It makes me so happy and hopeful to see that there are still men like this out there. I'm sure there are tons of ladies looking for you, and when they find you, trust me, it will be like discovering a unicorn in a sea of horses!

You are one of a kind, man. I have no doubt you will find someone, but you just have to trust in God's timing. Be encouraged, take heart, and pray for your future wife. God knows who she is, and it's never too early to start praying for her walk with Him to be strong and for her to follow Him with all her heart, mind, and soul.

 

And let me tell you, my husband told me about his porn addiction before we even officially started dating, and I thought it was incredible. I so appreciated his honesty, and I loved that he honored and respected me enough to want to tell me that before I committed any of myself to him. He knew how seriously I took dating, that it's not just for messing around and having fun, and he didn't want to waste my time or his if i wasn't going to be able to handle that part of him.

All this to say, BE YOURSELF! There might be someone out there who is looking for exactly that! When I met my man, it was like a breath of fresh air. I was so happy to finally have someone who was on the same page as me and able to just lay everything on the table and talk about the serious, real stuff straight away, on the first date.

Best first date of my life. Probably would have scared off plenty of other women, but for me it was perfect. That's what you want. Don't be afraid of scaring women away with who you are. You're just weeding out the ones who aren't "the one."

 

Dude, you are seriously speaking my language. Lol I have a feeling we have a LOT in common. I feel all of these things as well. But once you find your crew, it's even more special. I only have a few people I consider really good friends, but they are people I can go to for literally anything, even PMO stuff or other raw, real crap. That's so much more valuable than having a bunch of surface level friendships.