My husband is cheating on me with webcam girl and a woman he met on dating site!

Double whammy.

This is a serious addiction.


"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive."

I had no idea my husband was doing this. None. I've known this man 36 years. All I've heard him say in all those years was how he loathes cheaters. It happened in his family, and to some friends.

I didn't suspect a thing. Why? Because he never once treated me differently, was never unkind. Nothing. It was business as usual. Until I suspected, and ultimately found out. That opened the flood gates and it was like he was waiting for that day to come. He gave himself permission to treat me as horrible as one human can treat another. I'm not sure what's worse. Knowing and sticking your head in the sand and pretend it's not happening, or not knowing at all, blissfully unaware.

He returned from a business trip to Paris in 2018. He set his carry-on and phone on the table. I picked up his bag to unpack, and his phone illuminated saying his webcam session expired and would he like to log back in. I asked, and he gave me a lame story that it was a website he clicked on. I reminded him I'm not as dumb as he thinks I am. Needless to say, his phone went everywhere with him after that, and we fought night and day over it for months, which turned into a year, because I knew he was lying.

I found out for sure after we returned home from our holiday trip. He denied it of course, then sent a text saying we should separate, that neither of us are happy; we've drifted apart from each other; we haven't been in love in years; none of which for me was true at all. He had all day at work to come up with, what I would learn, was one of many over sharing, fantastical stories I would hear for the next 2 years. He admitted he had been doing it all of 2018. That night, he said he wanted to work it out, then a week later after our second counselling session, he told me to get an attorney, because if he had to, I would get nothing. I was so mentally screwed up at the time, I believed him. I look back, and want to smack myself for letting him in my head and take control. So many secrets. So many lies. Everyday.

I soon found out he met another woman on a dating app the year before. He was juggling all three of us at once, though he said there were at least 20 webcam girls maybe more, but only one got the bulk of the money. I asked when he did all of this. He said while at work, during lunch, on his breaks, and every time my back was turned. Even when I was lying next to him sound asleep. Blissfully unaware.

I tried to point out it was all a fantasy life, all fake. He said he knew, but it was winding down and will take time. That was February 2019. I asked then why the divorce. He said he changed and so did his feelings for me. However, he called me every single day when I was in the States. He said he loved me after every call. He still called and said he loved me up until last weekend, when he was found out. I

His profile on camsite said he's single and 38. He's married and 53. The girls ranged from 19-31. The one he told me about is 31.

He "loves, is in love with, wants to marry, and she said she wants to have a son with him, because she loves his eye color," Oh please! Gave me the same sob story she gave him, her ex was abusive and an alcoholic. Her mother had a massive stroke, blah blah blah. What a load of horse shit. The common theme with these girls are all of their mother's are sick in some way. They're not above using their kids, or kids of friends they pass off as their own, or fake their own health issues. All for the money!
She lives in Bishkek, though her profile says Romania. She has 2 daughters, and he says "the youngest looks just like him!" This confession was slap to my face, and hurt my heart further because we were never able to have children and I desperately wanted them. He swore time and time, he was okay with it, that he really didn't like kids anyway.

She loves him so much. She hates camming, and wants a better life. Well, he offered her my life and she took it with gusto. He confessed about her after we fought night and day for 3 months straight. Then a week later, told me he wanted me, but that only lasted a couple of weeks before his mask fell off again and his true colors shone bright.

Does your husband gaslight you? Berate you? Bully and manipulate you? Does he call you the most deplorable names one can think of? Has he projected his hatred and shame he has for himself onto you? Has he physically attacked you and tried to kill you? Has he told you he wishes you were dead, or that he's going to kill you? Mine did, and still does. All for a webcam, and dating site women.

I asked where the woman on the dating site fits into all of this with his webcam girlfriend. He says she's 30 something, has a son and lives in England. Someone with another kid! Yeah, the pile of horse shit gets higher every time he opens his mouth. Her ex was also abusive. He said he also loves her and they want to get married. Or, they were supposed to get married this past fall, but I retuned and screwed up their plans. This one hurts worse, because this one, the love is real and true, and she's someone he won't be ashamed to parade around to our friends and his family. Though I do know he still gets on the cam site. He says he doesn't do it as much as I think he does. It may be this woman is giving him what he needs to help break the addiction. Youth. I don't know how, or if he'll ever stop. He has an eating disorder, and the Dr said if someone has one addiction, another will eventually happen. It's inevitable.

We almost divorced last year, and after him relentlessly pushing for it, the papers were signed and I went back to the States(we're expats.) I was in really bad shape, and started intensive, 5 day a week therapy where I was diagnosed with sever trauma, and PTSD. It was determined I wasn't in a healthy state of mind last year to make a sound decision for divorce. My mind was reeling and I felt like I was drowning and he was holding my head under with his foot. He kept kicking me when I was down. I never got my footing to stand.

As I got a little clarity, I became pissed, and decided I wasn't going through with the divorce. So, I stopped it and returned. He said we would work on getting back together, but moved out, saying we can't work it out if we live together. Red flag! He swore he stopped. Just like he said all along. Said he knew it was all fantasy, and fake and he told me it was winding down. Just like he said all along. Said his head was clear. That's the biggest lie of all. He saw 5 different therapist, and stopped going to each of them after a few sessions. According to him, they are all quacks.

He lied when he said he wanted to work it out. I needed to believe him. Silly me, I was desperate to believe him. Believe he came to his senses and wanted me. Wanted to work on and become better partners to each other and individually. But, every fibre of my being, to the depths of my soul knew he was lying to me. But I didn't want it to be. I couldn't admit it. I wanted my marriage to work. But how could it when he had less than zero intention of it working. No one expects their S.O. to deceive and betray them. The lies. The lies are what doomed us. It's not really about the cheating anymore. It's the lies. They're what's destructive, and spells the end of the marriage or relationship.

I estimated the amount he's tossed on the ground and lit on fire over the past 2 years, is well over 100k, and rising. From the money I do know about, it's closer to 130k. He got 5 new credit cards since last August, all with high limits. Every single one is maxed out. Our savings is gone. He got a massive bonus at work, that's gone. We have stocks, but I can't be sure he didn't sell all of those, as I don't have access to the accounts. He opened up another bank account, but I don't know where the money comes from to put in there, as I know how much he makes and it shows every month in our bank. We own a home back in the States. I've read horror stories where people with these addictions, lost their homes to bankruptcy. That scares me more than being alone. Because after the divorce, I'll be truly alone.

We've been married 27 years. Who is this man? That's the million dollar question I've asked myself for 2 years now. Who is he? This is not the man I married, or maybe he is. His deception was lying dormant, waiting like a thief in the night for the right moment to strike. Damn him!
The bullying, manipulation, gaslighting, horrible way he treated me, and the deplorable name calling was absolutely awful. He still does it, so I know nothing changed with him. His intentions were malicious from the beginning. All to break me down.

I'm conflicted. I do love him, but I don't want to. I don't know how not to.

So, I find myself once again reluctantly in the process of yet another divorce with him.
I know after this divorce is final, there will be no more calls, or contact. It saddens me because we were best friends. Maybe it's for the best. 36 years of my life gone, wasted and not one thing to show for it except a broken heart, spirit and bank account. Here we are March, 2020. Everything is the exact same as it's been for 2 years. Empty words. Deceit. Empty promises. Lies. Fake love. Betrayal. Zero compassion. Rage. No affection, or intimacy. No love. Non existent empathy. Indifference.

I definitely didn't come out the victor. I failed. I do take responsibility for my part in our communication breakdown. But that's where it stops. I will not take the blame for his choice to do this. It was choice and he chose poorly. That's on him. He said he wants this other type of life. I can't and won't compromise my core values when it comes to monogamy. I'm not religious, but marriage vows do mean something to me. I thought for him as well. How wrong I was. I still struggle and know it's going to take a while for recovery. Especially with his recent round of mind games and manipulation.

I'm still in bad shape, but I hope not as severe. I still have to get through this divorce, which he demanded last week, after I caught him on the webcam site, so time will tell.

We had plans for retirement. We had planned to sail the world. He took away my dreams. He took away my choice and my voice. He took something that wasn't his to take. I have a long road ahead of me to heal. I can definitely say, I'll never let another man anywhere near me. I will never give anyone a chance to do to me what he did. I wouldn't survive it.

Oh how I wanted him to love and want me. To choose me. He played me for a fool, and I gladly without question, danced to his tune.

 

Thank you for your insight. It’s such a cluster f$&!
We have been separated(not legally) for over a year. We still saw each other, spent holidays together, he hugged me when he left and said he o es me, with a small peck on the lips, but with zero other affection or intimacy like the past 4 years. He said we had to live apart to work on our marriage. All smoke and mirrors.
No, he moved out to continue his deception. He knew he couldn’t do it whenever he wanted with me around.
Last week he said he chooses the other women over me, because he wants this life. He doesn’t want to stop. Said he wants what these girls give him; attention, validation, youth, flawless skin, no wrinkles or freckles, bigger boobs. Yeah, for a price.
I aged out. He also wants the woman he met on the dating site(25 years younger,)because she doesn’t question him, and accepts what he’s doing and understands he needs it. I bet she’ll have issues with it when they get married and he bankrupts her, also.

MI do believe he’s been doing this for much longer than what he confessed.

 

We are getting divorced. That was decided a couple of weeks ago as final. Fins. The end.
I’ve come to realize I’m worth so much more than my husband’s addiction, abuse, and selfishness in other areas of his life.

Unfortunately with the world in chaos right now, I can’t relocate back to the States, as I’m high risk.
The family law offices have asked those who wish to divorce to postpone filing for now, unless their life is in danger. Mine isn’t, as we no longer live together, nor do we see each other any longer.

In no way does this postponement mean I’ll change my mind, or he’ll change his. We’re on two completely different paths now, and have been for some time. It’s hard to completely detach yourself from someone you love so deeply with every fiber of your being. But it’s best for me. It hasn’t been a healthy relationship for a while. I see that now.

He was diagnosed with NPD, BPD, bi-polar and severe depression. He also exhibits other personality disorders from the DSM-5 clusters, including paranoia. He has accused me several times of poisoning him, and having him followed. All of the therapists he went to tired to help, but he refuses to get help. Even said he doesn’t want to deal with his problems, but his head is clear. Okay.

I’ve always known he’s suffered from depression, but he hid the severity of it well. It worsened the older he got and with the pressures of life in general. His midlife crisis magnified everything. He’s mid 50’s, and Dr said it can last 3-10 years in men. Awesome.
I’m not making excuses for him by any stretch of the imagination. He made choices. That’s all on him.

It makes me sad to know this person I’ve known all of my adult life, wants to live his life this way. Is it really living though? He’s said he’s in too deep and there’s no getting out.
He can’t as long as he refuses to acknowledge he needs help. He’ll have to hit rock bottom before that happens. However, he won’t as his mother keeps baling him out financially. He knows she won’t be around forever, so he established a relationship with other women on dating sites until he found “the one.”
He’ll drain her finances, too.
He said he sought out women with a career such as Dr, lawyer, etc..., because of the money. I never thought he would turn out to be a predator and con man. Never knew he had it in him to be that way.
I think his breaking point will be when his mother dies. He’s an only child. I’m glad won’t be around to see it happen.

I’m sharing my story for those who suffer from this addiction, and those standing by their partner during one of the most difficult times of your life/relationships.

I share my story of what I’ve been through/going through for those who happen upon it, including those standing by their partner’s side.
I share my story, so they see the ugliest, horrendous part of it all, and hopefully seek counseling to avoid getting to this point. I hope no one has to go through what I have. It’s awful and pure agony. We’re all dealing with, and walking though our own personal hell.

My hope is if they see in themselves any of what I’ve described how my husband is, to please keep up with your therapy. I know it’s hard. I hope it won’t manifest into something which will destroy you and those around you. Please know you’re worth more than your addiction. So much more.

Trust in your partner that she/he does love and want the best outcome for you. Try to stay strong. I can only image the struggle and difficulty you face day in, day out, dealing with this type of addiction.
You all seem to want to be better and are making an effort. That makes all the difference, and I wish everyone well in their journey towards recovery.

My husband killed a 36 year friendship and our marriage with no chance of resuscitation, or reconciliation.

There’s no coming back from that.
I established a DNR and called the time of death when it flatlined.