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Working towards an honest intimacy - my reboot log.

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Nicko Stretch, Oct 7, 2019.

  1. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    What a difference a good night's sleep makes :) My body is alive to my wife's touches and I am drawn closer to her from them rather than agitated by them.I feel like a barrier between us has been lifted. I wonder what part tiredness has played in my unhelpful/unwanted bevaviour in the past?
     
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  2. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    It is really interesting to observe how my mind is reacting to being really tired and uncomfortable. It keeps trying to tell me that sex is the solution. I know this is a lie because most people including myself realise that it is actually SLEEP which is the best remedy to tiredness! Like I said in my previous post, how many times have I used PMO when my actually issue was something unrelated? I do not know the answer but I do know that being out of the sex addiction 'matrix' and seeing things as they really are is certainly not pretty or easy. So why am I bothering? I guess it is because I want control.
     
  3. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    Actually I don't think the reason why I am bothering with the effort of Nofap is to have control, it is more to do with honesty. And not because I have been taught honesty is something we should all have, its because the alternative is deception, which is very complicated. With deception we need to constantly be making up stories, covering up activities, and hiding evidence, not only from our loved ones but from ourselves.
    We need to be constantly looking for validation for our actions...'its natural to think sexually...we are just animals after all...they probably know but don't mind...of course I PMO fantasise,ogle, I am a man....its a human need...it means so much to me....sex is how I show affection...M is self love and self care...I just appreciate the female form...its because i am bisexual...its a natural way to cope...life would be empty without it...its just part of life....she doesnt always want sex so I take care of myself...shes not into the same things sexually so i do it myself...we have different sex drives..." all things I might say to myself to feel better about my sex addiction.
    Conversely what is there if you take away the PMO, fantasy, ogling...real life.A life which is not overlayed with a web of sexualisation, a life where every little sexually stimulating thing is not looked for in our environments to get some titivation from, and if there isnt anything there we go into our heads and imagine the sex. My mind had become so sexualised that just by glancing at a person my mind could flash an image of them naked in some sexual position into my imagination. It still does it but I do not encourage this or appear to have any control. I have to accept that years of doing this has led to it becoming automatic. I am hoping that it will slow right down eventually. In the meantime it is a reminder of the depth of my sex addiction.
    It can be wearing to repeatedly bat away these intrusive thoughts and images, and when i am tired they linger longer and come more often. I fear slipping back into that sexualised world and use real life connection to pull me back. That smile from a person which feels genuine and wholesome which I can enjoy safe in the knowledge I didn't sneak a look at their ass as they passed me in the street, safe in the knowledge they trust me as a genuine person and not someone who objectifies them for my personal enjoyment. By desexualising my mind I feel I am building a genuine connection with society instead of being one of the many who live with one foot in a seedy world of sexualisation always tainting the reality of this wonderful world.
     
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  4. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    Last night I found myself feeling really ill. Dizzy and headachy.I went to bed early and found myself self soothing with sexual fantasy about my wife . I try hard not to do this and am usually successful. I cannot control automatic thoughts popping into my head but I can usually choose whether to follow them or not. This time it was different. It was almost like I wasn't conscious and the fantasy was actually a dream but I don't think it was.
    This morning I felt a lot better but not totally. It was the first opportunity for a long while that we have had the chance to stay in bed rather than have to jump up to go do something . I made a point of consciously being physically affectionate with my wife which led to a strong arousal in me. So much stronger than anything I remember from the night before.
    Although I regret the fantasy from the night before I feel this experience has highlighted to me how much stronger the real life connection I have is with my wife, than anything I can conjure up in my imagination.
    I will talk about it with my wife for the sake of openness.
     
  5. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    My wife bought me Russel Brands autobiography for Christmas thinking I would find reading about his journey to recovery from sex and drug addiction relatable. In fact the majority of the book is about how he got to the state he was in before rehab and was very triggering. It didn't make me go and PMO, but it did increase the amount of sexualised thoughts and images in my head, which made it harder to distract from them. I have caught myself on a couple of occasions fantasising.
    My wife has noticed I have become a little more distant over the last few weeks, and I have explained how the book has affected me.
    This is really hard to take because I have been working so hard and thought I was doing so well. And I am doing well I have to remind myself.
    The lessons I take from this are that the media I expose myself to will always have an influence on my thoughts - so by avoiding content which contains descriptions of hopelessness and addictive behaviour is probably a good idea, and on the positive proactive side, consuming positive media will influence me in a positive direction.
    I have from the library The Happiness Trap - which explains how to use acceptance and commitment therapy to work towards ones values, and a book on emotional resilience. Being able to deal with a set back such as this is always going to be a useful skill and one I need to develop.
    I will finish the Russel Brand book because it is in the last chapters which are actually talking about his recovery, but I will be cautious in the future about what I expose myself to.
     
  6. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    Horrible couple of days. I had a near wet dream with sexual content which left me questioning my no PMO journey. It didn't take long to regain perspective but for the rest of the day I really struggled to contain sexualised thinking.
    Last night an actual wet dream and I do feel a bit better today. I know I cannot control the automatic sexual thinking but I think if we scheduled more intimate time then I would be able to tune out the unwanted stuff because of the positive memories and references to honest intimacy with my wife.
    Several books recommend scheduling regular intimate time and I think this is what I am going to suggest to my wife.I am still not desperate to O but have had 6 wet dreams in 7 months of no pmo, so maybe we could have that as a regular once a month O rather than leave it to the dreams.
     
  7. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    I read my journal to my wife last night which reflected my previous post and she agreed more scheduled intimate time would be good. This morning we made love for 30 minutes and it was amazing. I am so enjoying the non-ejaculatory love making. Every movement is a pleasure and we can carry on as long as we like with out as abrupt ending. We started really slowly and ended really slowly. In fact the whole thing was at a very gentle pace. I feel energised and elated today :)
     
  8. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    In desexualising my thinking I am having to adopt a new model to replace the old sexually orientated framework. So when I meet someone now, or see them or think about them, it is not in terms of attractiveness or their interest in me, but rather in there openness and energy levels. I have also accepted that I am drawn to a persons breasts and genitals because they are the poles of sexual energy, but this is my body being drawn.The path to my heart is through the eyes, and this is how I see a persons energy. Their smile and demeanour determines there energy levels and openness to me.
    Along with this acceptance and new model , I am reinforcing the belief that my wife is the person I share intimate energy with. Although a smile and a conversation is sharing energy too, the close intimate sharing I do with my wife is exclusive to our relationship.
    So where does PMO fit into this? P is an exploitation of the body being drawn to the energy poles, m is a needless congestion and build up of energy at the genital pole, and O is a short bit of pleasure as you discharge our energy needlessly.
     
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  9. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    Reset counter today. I didnt look at porn or masterbate but I did ejaculate 3 times in 10 days and I admit I have been letting sexualised thoughts linger in my mind. 2 O's were wet dreams and one was during love making, but for me the real issue has been letting sexualised looking and thinking creep back into my life.
    So here we go again. I feel I know so much more about myself after the last 200 day streak and am hoping I can implement that learning into my next streak. I will be observing closely how I think and feel over the next few days to see if my resolve has been knocked. I will try and keep posting on here maybe weekly, but for me browsing posts on this forum is not always helpful so I will be avoiding that.
    My aims are still to make sex so much less of a big deal in my mind, and make is exclusively for when I am with my wife. I have experienced amazing connection to people over the last 200 days and noticed how much the sexual thoughts and thinking ruined what could be great and honest interactions. I will try and focus intently on loving kindness meditation as well as referring back to the aims in my life outlined in this post.
    Thanks for listening.
     
  10. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    Wow. A month since my last post. Things are OK. Ups and downs. No PM which is good.One O while making love, which was a happy accident I think? I feel at a more balanced place now. Not beating myself up about unwanted sexualised thoughts. Accepting that I won't always catch my mind in the split second it starts a sexual thought pattern rolling. I will be monitoring closely if the sexualised thoughts escallate, or whether they just bumble along in the background, and don't impact on my functioning or relationships...
     
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  11. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    Another month gone. My wife and I have developed a brilliant intimacy routine which involves at least 10 minutes of conscious physical intimacy every day. 'Conscious' because reaching over and touching each other while half asleep is not really meaningful, and by being awake and aware we are acknowledging that we want to do this and are committed to it. Intimacy means different things to each of us. For me I get aroused sexually very quickly and have multiple non- ejaculatory orgasms while embracing my wife every morning which put me in a good mood all day and protect me from any automatic sexualised thoughts that come during the day.For her the sensual touches bring pleasure and relaxation.For both of us there is a sense of bonding and closeness. A reassurance of our commitment to each other. If we have longer then things can turn sexual for both of us but do not always.
     
  12. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    Still loving the conscious intimacy. Staring into my wife's eyes while experiencing ecstatic pleasure really takes it to a different level of honesty,intimacy, and closeness for our relationship.Its like edging but not. So much more intense, a deeper more profound feeling which is amplified by the contact and connection with my wife.I am not ashamed of the pleasure our contact gives us and my wife says she is really appreciating the daily opportunity to be physically close.
    This routine we have developed has not come from any book or advice, it has developed from years of trial and error to find what really works for both of us.Yes, the work of Diana Richardson has been influential as have the books about kerreza and we do try to avoid ejaculation because of the effect on sensitivity and mood, and we do try to remain focused on each other while being close in this way.
    My advice to people starting on this journey is to throw away the rule book about what a conventional intimate relationship looks like and start again from what you both need and want.
     
  13. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    Really struggled over the last 3 months. Not had time to be close with my wife due to intense work pressure. When the weekend came I would O so quick we didn't have chance for real intimacy.
    Noticed I was watching loads of FB vids as well. Not Ming or P but am noticing the warning signs.
    That period of work has finished now so am hoping to go back to being close everyday.
     
  14. It's great that you're recognizing this before it leads to a fall instead of ignoring the signs and pretending it's not a big deal.
     
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  15. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    So much better now. I discussed my feelings having intimacy with wifie and realised that i was feeling guilt about having intimacy with her feeling it was a replacement for M.That is why i was struggling to ask to make time to be close. We concluded that it was a replacement for Masturbating but a much healthier thing to do which would support and nurture our relationship rather than ruin it.
    Today I was close to my wife for about 20 minutes and had orgasm after orgasm without ejaculating and it felt amazing. Not just the physical sensations but the fact that i was looking into my wifes eyes while it was happening and she knew it was happening and she was smiling back. No guilt no shame, just a mutual understanding.
    And I now know she doesnt need to be sexually stimulated to enjoy the experience. It is sensual and i touch her arms and head and body in a way that i know she likes, but it is me who is sexually aroused and that is fine.
    When we have had lots of time we have had mutual sexual pleasure but this is rare - once in the last 3 months, but my wife says she is happy with this.
    I am so grateful my wife is so understanding. I know I am maybe conditioning myself to associate orgasm with love for my wife but surely this is a good thing? Surely I am retraining rather than conditioning and connecting sexual pleasure with being close to my wife rather than my hand and a screen.
     
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2020
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  16. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    Back on the semen retention vibe after weekly emissions for the last 3 months, and trying hard to accept and depower the unwanted sexual thoughts that come into my head on a daily basis.
    Our daily(well more like every other day) practice of conscious closeness really helps with the unwanted thoughts.Almost like my mind is flooded with love for her rather than seeking something else.
    Am working on fitness as well. I will be back working intensely this summer and really need to get fit and into habits which support me through the stressful times without me resorting to unhelpful coping strategies like PMO, over eating, drugs alcohol or any other risky activity.
    Just read Brene Browns Daring Greatly and the main point I took from it was that to show up in the arena means to accept there will be hardship and failure. I have suffered from the fear of not being liked by others for a long time. Brene I think has enlightened me to realise that being my authentic self will mean i will not be perfect, people will judge me what ever, and i need to accept this will happen.
    So grateful for this outlet.
    Until next time,
    Nick
     
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  17. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    Lovely hot closeness this afternoon. Usually my wife is more passive and when she does become more active i have difficulty avoiding an emission. Not today. I had the self control to pull away and slow down.
    Serious Blue balls afterwards though. Laying on my back with feet up was some relief but not great for doing the washing up! A good solution in the end was a brisk walk which got the blood running in the rest of my body.
    The weekend might be a challenge due to the habit I had been in of ejaculating at the weekends. Hopefully my return to the semen retention vibe will get me over this challenge. We are on our own for the weekend too so maybe some longer time in bed to sexually satisfy my wife if she so desires. Again this is usually a challenge for me to stay sexually continent. Once she orgasms I usually crave orgasm myself. Hopefully I can be conscious of this and draw pleasure from her pleasure.
    We shall see...
     
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  18. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    Another lovely afternoon. Did quite a bit of reading about Taoism this morning and feel some resonance with it. I will investigate further.
    Love making this afternoon involved lots of touching and holding. My wife was more active again however I managed to indicate to her when I was getting too close to ejaculation. All it took was a brief touch to her arm and she slowed or paused for a moment before carrying on. We laid in each others arms after about 30 minutes of intense sensual touching. I felt like I was in a bath of pleasure and love. My arousal gently subsided, I lay smiling and content.
    I really am not sure where this is heading but today was a good challenge to get over after 3 months of weekend ejaculations.
    I am sure I have said this before but this time feels different. I wonder how I will feel after 6 months of no ejaculating but regular love making? I hope I can accept the new feelings of clarity and focus.
    Previously I have had the belief that I needed to ejaculate for some kind of release or to gain some kind of concentration. I think that is a bit like an alcoholic not able to handle the sharpness of mind and clarity of thought associated with being sober.
    I would like to accept the sexually continent life as part of my identity.
     
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  19. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    My mind is obviously still tuned to ejaculation being the ultimate in sexual fulfilment. When a thought about sex comes into my mind it usually includes some kind of explosive emission. I think I will start to address this. I think instead I will consciously visualize my body aroused while on the slow build up to non ejaculatory orgasms.
    I think understanding our psychology is so important when trying to effect behaviour change.
    We know that what fires together wires together, so the more I am having thoughts of non ejaculatory sexual imagery, the more my mind will use that as an image to represent sex when it comes to mind. I cannot remove the ejaculatory imagery but I can overwrite it with more active and vivid imagery about non ejaculatory sex. Hopefully the more I actively connect my sexual arousal and pleasure(but not ejaculation) with sex, the less frequent and less powerful the sexual thoughts containing ejaculation.
    I use the same technique to combat ogling. Checking out other peoples bodies can trigger sexual thoughts for lots of people, me included, and I found it very challenging just to stop doing it but I did manage to replace it with something. Instead I try to focus on making eye contact and smiling or saying hi. A smile back or a word back is much more powerful than whatever my imagination could throw up after checking out their bodies. And that smile or word does not lead to sexualised thoughts but a positive feeling of connection. Something I feel men often confuse with a desire for sex. I feel a lot of the time what men really want is to connect with other people.
    I have started making genuine female friends now my mind does not automatically sexualise the potential relationship. I felt really guilty to begin with. Like I was being unfaithful to my wife. I had to really unpack those feelings and recognised that, yes I do get a good feeling from being with that person but it isn't to do with sex, it is to do with genuine friendship.
     
  20. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    Our closeness this afternoon was too hot for me and I was too tired after being up early with the dog barking. I didnt indicate in time that I was near ejaculation and I went over the edge. Counter back to zero, never mind.
    I don't feel too bad. On reflection we have had some really hot sessions through the week and maybe we need to slowly build up to hotness. I guess I was keen to get back into good habits after 3 months of nothing then ejaculation at the weekend.
    I think we will talk about it tonight and I will suggest we take it a bit easier during our closeness. I think I have got over the feelings of scarcity now so feel ok if our intimate daily closeness is not always sexually focused.
    I would really like to have sessions devoted to my wife's pleasure too. She really likes her head and back massaged.
    As well as this I want to get to the point where I just enjoy being aroused without the craving to be on the edge.
    I suppose it is a journey in itself. I am getting better at not going over the edge, however it would be great if I had the self control to not push beyond just arousal sometimes. I will try to be more aware when we are being close about the feelings and desires driving me to the edge.
    Feeling grateful for reflection. <3
     
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