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Once again

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by gingeralan, Mar 27, 2020.

  1. gingeralan

    gingeralan Fapstronaut

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    Ok, been a tricky year so far, and staying in is difficult. This week I’ve just felt overwhelmed by everything.

    I do think I kinda Chose to give in. Not sure of the motivation, went through it with my counsellor today, it’s almost like a form of self harm.

    I mentioned this site and some of the potential issues I’ve experienced, whether he looks at it or not, but I do feel it was useful to share this site and perhaps raise awareness of the whole porn issue.

    This isolation will help us all be stronger, just thought I’d start a new thread my last was very long and I think I need to look at this from another angle now, not sure what that is but gonna have to find new better ways to deal with my urges.
     
  2. MovingOnFromThePast

    MovingOnFromThePast Fapstronaut

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    motivation can only last so long, becoming discipline is the key.
     
    gingeralan likes this.
  3. gingeralan

    gingeralan Fapstronaut

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    Good point!

    I managed 40 days and I did have a pretty disciplined regime. I haven’t really understood why I felt the need to break my good habits.

    I have noticed my main triggers tend to occur when I have my son for a few days. I end up getting quite fatigued and just lose my mental routines.

    It’s funny, I almost feel I revert back to how I felt inside before I left my ex wife when I have my son to look after. I really do love him but I just really struggle to break my emotional ties with that time.

    I need to work on breaking that link, I think this is where my discipline fails.

    I will use this enforced isolation to build my mental resilience. I am finding it difficult but I think if I can find routine in this crapness it’ll help build my resilience and improve my mental discipline.
     
  4. gingeralan

    gingeralan Fapstronaut

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    Been a funny day, work load low at work, so provided we are available (I’m only 5 mins away from work) we can stay at home unless required.

    Done very little today, but that’s also been nice. Spent a while doing a jigsaw, which both my cats were very keen to interrupt my progress .

    Have spent today mainly listening to some red pill you tubers found some good ones. Dunno why but I feel quite good today. No ‘white knuckling’ just seem to have been quite happy just pottering around.

    Done nearly 6 weeks before, so my last porn binge, while I got the initial hit, I really paid attention to the feelings and sensations and just don’t feel the positive outweighs the massive negative I feel. The disconnect from my real self and the outside world. It just amplified the whole isolation.

    I have just come to the conclusion it’s a habit, not sure exactly why I do it. But it’s a strategy that has provided limited relief in the past, and I am grateful for the opportunity now to learn more about myself and grow.

    This isolation will be the making of me.
     
  5. Lion's Roar

    Lion's Roar Fapstronaut

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    I suggest you to be a volunteer doing social works helping other people in your neighborhood or local area.
    Please giving love, take care of people. Then you will see your life change so much.


     
  6. gingeralan

    gingeralan Fapstronaut

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    Good call, I’ll see if I can offer my service’s somewhere, maybe the food bank or something.

    I have struggled with availability for things like this but right now would be a good opportunity as everything has been cancelled
     
  7. Lion's Roar

    Lion's Roar Fapstronaut

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    Good luck man. You make your own destiny. Love others and do good deeds.
    My life also changed so much.
     
  8. Lion's Roar

    Lion's Roar Fapstronaut

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    I suggest you reading this book. It will provide to you many useful knowledge.
    [​IMG]

    Remember to pay attention to the 7th chapter and 25 successful persons in the end of the book.
     
    gingeralan likes this.
  9. gingeralan

    gingeralan Fapstronaut

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    Looks good, I lived in a Buddhist centre for 2018 and loved it! I’ll get this book when I get paid next time, current reading Eckhart Tolle the power of now.
     
    Lion's Roar and vxlccm like this.
  10. gingeralan

    gingeralan Fapstronaut

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    Lots of exercise this last week. Now trying to do 500 chin ups today currently at 150, I did 500 press ups on Monday, 500 squats & 500 sit-ups yesterday.

    I promise you, find something else, a bigger goal and you can channel those urges elsewhere. Exercise has always been a biggie for me.

    Feeling super positive right now, I also noticed a fair chunk of my triggers come from feeling anxious that I was missing out on things. I noticed a recurring thought during my last PMO that I was thinking I should be out doing this for real. Basically really losing my ‘now’ being totally absorbed in an alternate reality. Recipe for misery!

    I find the aches and effort from exercise help ground me. Keep me present, and connected with who, where and what I’m doing.

    In a good way I’ve been just losing track of time as I’ve been absorbed in the moment, whether that’s listening to music, or reading or exercise.

    Feeling awesome. This is odd, I really thought the isolation would screw with me, but I’ve just accepted it wholly, and made the best of it.
     
    Lion's Roar likes this.
  11. gingeralan

    gingeralan Fapstronaut

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    Made 290 chin ups yesterday, still very pleased with that! Dips today at 250 so far aiming for 500 again.

    I know my usual patterns so I’m expecting urges to kick in about this time next week. Had a couple of semis this week mainly early morning. So that’s good.

    Enjoyed so real ‘present moments’ time just didn’t seem to be a factor, both during exercise, and had some nice moments with my cats, just chilling with each other. And watching them just being. I think I can really learn from them.

    I hope you are all ok, stay strong!
     
  12. gingeralan

    gingeralan Fapstronaut

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    Good day yesterday, got my son for the night.

    Really noticed my mood dropping, just feeling trapped. We have moments of real connection but just seem a bit distant.

    I know I have to deal with this as the adult here. I need to take responsibility and move forward.

    A bit more internal connection in me and a more concerted attempt to connect with him. Not sure why I am struggling, I guess it’s just the fact we really don’t see each other all the time, and my current inexplicable compulsion to avoid all potential friendships, I just feel me almost actively pushing people away, sometimes by being too open.

    Right now I can feel stress building, I just feel like I am being a bad parent, and no one can convince me otherwise. I just feel every decision or thing I do is the wrong one.

    Right, that’s written down and acknowledged, onwards now. I do find it helpful t acknowledge these intrusive thoughts.

    In all honesty, I know that both me and my ex wife do invest a lot of effort into his upbringing. Hopefully this post can help shelve my current negativity.

    First week out of the way
     
  13. gingeralan

    gingeralan Fapstronaut

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    Yesterday turned out well! I did stay up a bit too late, not sure why. Perhaps it’s just trying to get some time to myself, not sure.

    Can’t believe I did it, but a coupe of times I caught myself in a negative loop of thought, I mentally said drop and gimme 20, and I did 20 press-ups! It helped a lot! Kinda like being my own sergeant major

    Done a bit of exercise with my son this morning, then a bit of down time with tablet, gonna have some lunch soon, then play with the archery or laser gun set.

    Gonna see if we can go and get some fish n chips tonight, bit of a treat. Glad I caught the negative thoughts early on before it became destructive.
     
  14. gingeralan

    gingeralan Fapstronaut

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    Chaser effect. Not too worried, gave in yesterday with P, and this morning but without P. Not the best erection every, but no P.

    I did sort of feel like I needed too, but again, it wasn’t all that enjoyable. Again, I think it’s a bad link between fatigue and looking after my son, I just don’t feel like I gave energy. Usually I would’ve gone straight to the gym after dropping him off, so the opportunity to come home n vegetate never came up, next time I drop him off I’ll be in my running gear and just head straight for a run after i get back home.

    Low mood at the moment, I need to get my life in order, house is getting untidy again! I’m gonna take 3 hours today to clean the house as best I can, no breaks, maybe just music playing.once three hours is done I’m stopping. Usually I just end up saying I’ll clean today but don’t really focus, so I waste hours and then barely finish the kitchen and feel miserable for not having achieved anything with my day.

    FFS I sometimes feel I got my life in order then others I just think I’m fucked, why bother, just stick in your pit and don’t bother anyone. I know I don’t want that, I need discipline. I need structure, and I’m gonna have to build something better than I have at the moment.
     

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