Rebooting again

This is Abhishek.
Failed many times to stop Porn addiction.
Current situation being daily masturbation , sometimes even twice. Energy feels like drained completely. A feeling of guilty and shamefulness hovers over always. Lost the charm and shining from my face. I look older than my age. Regular porn doesn't interest me. I switched to bisexual porn than transwoman porn and now it feels like I am turning gay.
But I want to control my desires. I want to rewire my brain again. I don't want to be addicted and slave of anything. I want freedom from everything - for atleast next 90 days.
Today is the day 1 - Sunday, 5th April.

 

No .. and I don't know how to do it .
Can you help please ?

 

So earlier I downloaded 3-4 adult movies before rebooting but I didn't watch it. Today I felt an intense urge to just have a look on what I have downloaded, feeling confident and determined that I won't masturbate. But as the scenes kept on scrolling , I didn't know what happened to me , as if someone hijacked my mind, and by the time I was back in my consciousness , I had already relapsed.
Again left with the feeling of guilty and remorse.
Deleted all and every kind of adult movies or clips from my laptop and phone.
Back to day 0 again.
Monday, 6th April - 1st day of streak

 

Thanks man.
I will keep that in mind

 

Y

That was great. You have a strong will power. You have the capability of saying no. Your half work is done already.
Keep it up.

 

1st day is ending.
I had urges once or twice but I was able to divert my mind.
Started workout at home amid the corona lockdown. Also included meditation and breathing exercises in my daily routine. And I was able to focus on study a bit more today.
Feeling satisfied.
Let's hope that all other days shall pass with more enthusiasm and more self control.
A step closer in becoming a better human being.

 

So 2nd day was tricky.
I told my girlfriend ( who lives in another country ) that I decided to not masturbate for next three months. Hearing that , she started teasing me with her naughtiness. It was a very weird situation for me because I could have hurt her feeling if I would have said NO at her face. So I let her continue and also started taking active role in that conversation. I also sent her few adult pics. And then the conversation ended after sometime. But I had already triggered that thought in my mind and it kept on crawling whole day inside ,releasing dopamine slowly but continuously , trying to lure me back. Then in news I heard that Pornhub has made its premium free to let the people stay in home during this corona lockdown. That made me even more curious because I always wanted to have a glimpse of premium Pornhub and now I was getting it for free. So I couldn't control myself any further and opened the website. I kept on scrolling the thumbnails - different categories , different models. It went on for like an hour. The feeling of masturbation was like that of sine wave , coming and going. It wasn't continuous. But after sometime , I got bored and closed the tabs. Studied a bit and then went to sleep. No relapse.
Watching porn is considered as edging , so I don't whether I have broke my streak or not.

 

3rd and 4th day also ended.
Got few jolts of urges in between to feel that momentary pleasures of masturbation but managed to control it.
Still my eyes are searching for nude pics in news websites, YouTube or in Instagram.
Focus on study is increased.
Still I have problem in irregularities in sleeping. Need to check that too.

 

Yupp.. even for me it was turning worse than transwomen but just then I started NoFap.
But the most difficult situation comes when friends post nude images in WhatsApp group. I have changed the settings to manual downloading but you never know what have they senta and I can't help myself but download it and watch. I can't even leave the group.
It's a very big hurdle for me in NoFap journey.

 

Ohh I can't. They will start teasing me with more such posts.

 

14 day streak.
Today I ended my two week journey with a sense of self proud.
I happened to open porn sites in the initial days when the urge was very strong. But I didn't surf longer and closed them as early as possible thus avoiding edging or ultimately relapsing.
The most benefitting tool I used is getting engaged in something new. I have started studying Digital Marketing , thanks to some top course providers for making them free till this COVID -19 lockdown. So my mind is always engaged in learning this new topic. Yes , it wanders and try to lure me back towards porn sometimes. But I am gaining more confidence in saying NO to myself now.
I hope I can take it from 14 days to 28 days and then ultimately 90 days.
Feeling positive.

 

21 days over.
No masturbation yet.
Few instances of watching naked pics of girls and erotic videos for few seconds But stopped myself from further edging. I gained the confidence of saying NO to my monkey mind.
My current problem:
One of my lady friend came to my home to spend the COVID19 lockdown time because she couldn't go to her own house. We are very good friends. But since last few days she has started discussing about her sexual relationship with her boyfriend , what she likes in sex , her fav sex pose, her fantasy , how her bf treats her and many such personal things. While telling such things she is getting too much touchy and she gets lean on my body. I don't know what happened to her. May be she has started considering me very close friend of her and she is feeling comfortable in discussing those private things but it really turns me on sometimes. And later makes me feel like relapsing. I always try to divert the topic or when she says such things I divert my mind to something else. But I can't take it longer if it continues like this. I really don't know what to say to her.
It feels so weird - when you try to run away from something , it starts chasing you.