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Am I allowed here?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Danakay91, Apr 5, 2020.

  1. Danakay91

    Danakay91 Fapstronaut

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    Ok the title kind of says it all.
    I am a 28 year old female who's partner is quitting porn because it's ruining our relationship, our sex life and my self esteem.
    I'm really trying to be supportive but I will not deny that at times, his brutal honesty about his difficulties is triggering me.
    It's certainly a testing and healing time for us both.
    How Can I best support him during this time whilst minimizing the risk of built up emotional pain and anger coming out?
    He's still at a point where there is a lot of justifications for his behaviour.
    Will this ever change?
    Hope I'm allowed to be part of this community!
     
    AngelofDarkness and Real Roboin like this.
  2. PIEDSufferer

    PIEDSufferer Fapstronaut

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    Hi there!

    You are certainly allowed to be a part of this community. And I’m glad you are! Because browsing through the experiences of others on here will really help you understand what your partner is going through.

    Addictions are very difficult. Just like drug and alcohol addictions, porn and masturbation can affect the same neural pathways in a person. And it can be just as damaging to relationships as any other addiction. A round of porn and masturbation might as well be a line of cocaine.

    Are you seeking therapy during this time? It might be a very effective way to work through your emotions. I’ve personally been seeing a therapist for about a year now, and it has been tremendously helpful in my life. So I’m a huge advocate for therapy!

    Let me ask you this: What is considered a justification for his behavior, in your opinion? In these situations, be careful your partner doesn’t use justifications as a “crutch” to lean on. At some point, a justification becomes more of an excuse than anything. And only you can decide what you’re willing to tolerate as the supportive partner in this relationship. Your partner needs to pull a majority of the weight, and needs to demonstrate progress.
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  3. Danakay91

    Danakay91 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your reply :) there's no therapy at present but I also see therapy as a great thing so perhaps it will be something to look for in the near future. I think my partner does make a lot of excuses or will bend the truth. He fails to recognise that he's been dishonest to me in the past and does sometimes try and pass the blame on to me. He's finally started reading up about things but just told me that it's common for men to relapse (to me he's already relapsed more than once previously) but he doesn't see it at that way as in his head , he wasn't serious the other times. He's told me he's committed to this and doesn't want to do it anymore. But the fact that he's already discussing relapse already puts doubt in my mind. It's like he's making the excuses beforehand. He has just promised that in the event he does relapse he will do the kinder thing and leave. It's a horrendous situation but I need to look after my own emotional wellbeing too.
     
    PIEDSufferer likes this.
  4. PIEDSufferer

    PIEDSufferer Fapstronaut

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    Ok, this here..... is BS:rolleyes:. I’m not saying it in any negative way, so please don’t take it that way. I’m saying it with humor, and hoping to lighten the situation for you.

    I know exactly the state of mind that led him to say this because I’ve said this exact line to my girlfriend too. It’s basically a guilt trip in the future tense. He’s saying it to convince you of how serious he is, but is also secretly hoping that if that event comes, YOU will be the one who tells HIM not to leave. Because he’s threatening you with the most extreme action, and scaring you. The good news: You very likely don’t have to worry about him leaving, even if he relapses. Being an addict, his confidence is already compromised. I guarantee he values and appreciates you more than he expresses. In other words, I doubt he would give you up that easily.

    Good to be aware that right now, he’s not only in a fragile state, but he’s also in a confused state. Much of what he says and does right now should be taken with a degree of skepticism. Being skeptical can also protect you against being too stressed, because you can allow yourself to not take too much to heart, if that makes sense. Sometimes the best way to fight a fire is to let it burn itself out, while protecting yourself the best you can. Right now, his thoughts and emotions are on fire. He might have an idealistic perspective of how he wants to tackle his addiction, but may still not see a clear path to get there. Allow him the space to figure himself out and decide who he realistically wants to be moving forward. When he begins to find clarity, it will become obvious to you.
     
    Danakay91 likes this.
  5. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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    He is counting on the fact that you wont leave him, so he is setting the stage for his relapse if indeed he has even quit at all, if that is the case he is setting the stage for dday when it happens then he can claim a relapse.
     
    PIEDSufferer likes this.
  6. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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    They all try to put the blame on us to direct it off themselves.
     
    PIEDSufferer likes this.
  7. PIEDSufferer

    PIEDSufferer Fapstronaut

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    I couldn’t have said it better myself!

    As a recovering addict myself, I can definitely agree to this. Because it’s a process of learning how to look inward. An addict will often look outward, and blame external attributes for their problems. It’s not until I learned how to look inward that I felt a noticeable shift in my addiction.

    An addict will sit in a state of constant guilt for what they’re doing. And in early recovery, it’s a constant battle of learning how to deal with the source of the guilt, rather than suppress it. Blaming outside attributes is a suppression tactic, because the guilt is an internal thing that is only caused by internal attributes, and can only be addressed by looking inward.

    This is a process that takes time. Some people take more time than others. He’s going through a difficult journey toward being a better man. And he CAN get there. He has a good chance of that. He has identified his addiction. Consider how many men haven’t even made it THAT far. He’s on the right path. But as his partner, don’t forget to look inward, yourself. Understand that it’s a struggle, and will be a struggle for quite some time. And be honest with yourself in how much you can realistically put up with.
     
    Real Roboin likes this.
  8. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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    YOu honestly is right there and so refreshing! That is what many of us Sos should of known to be honest with ourselves also in how much we can realistically put up with before we either turn into a addict of any kind or feel crazy. ( When I say addict of any kind that means- addicted to checking up on them, where they are at, constantly look for proof of fault. What ever we may choose to numb the pain out. the list could go on and many do not get addicted but from what I have read or experienced myself, I turned into someone I did not even know.)
     
    PIEDSufferer likes this.
  9. PIEDSufferer

    PIEDSufferer Fapstronaut

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    Right! There is a real challenge in that. Because how do you bring yourself to trust someone who has a history of doing untrustworthy things? I experienced this with my girlfriend, who has admitted to me that she has cheated on boyfriends in previous relationships. She has never cheated on ME, as far as I’m aware. And she’s never actually given me a reason to worry. But it is certainly something I think about often. Even to the point where I get suspicious if she falls asleep at night without texting me a “goodnight” first. My mind immediately goes to “She MUST be cheating on me right now!” And I convince myself that the odds are high because she’s done it before in other relationships.

    Having said all that, the way to handle that suspicion that he might be hiding a relapse is to look inward (I do that a lot.... haha). Realize that our insecurities are completely valid, and allow ourselves the freedom to think negative thoughts. Because negative thoughts happen to everyone. But the trick is to process those negative thoughts. Challenge them. Figure out why you had a negative thought, and see if the positive opposite is equally likely. See, humans naturally dislike unknowns. So much so that our minds will sometimes insert details into our gaps in knowledge. What begins as unverified assumptions end up as “facts” that our brains convince us are true. So it causes you to become suspicious.
     
  10. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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    You also have your gut feeling or intuition, so not always the brain as much as senses or sensing.
     
  11. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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    Justifying behavior is just making a excuse to behave in that way.
     

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