Am I a fool or is he being honest?

Hello, @completelylost . First I just want to say how sorry I am that you had to come and ask this question here. I can't imagine the devastation you must have felt when that happened and my heart aches for you.

I want to point out to you that you said:

If this happened a few months ago that you found out and yelled at him and told him to end it then, why would he need 30 more days to end their relationship? Seems like he could have and should have ended it right then. Also it sounds very much like an excuse to keep talking to her and having both of you on a string. If she is a true "cam girl" in the sense that he is paying her to do sexual things for him, than I doubt she "loves" anything about him besides what he is paying her to do. I mean I don't know the nature of their relationship as far as knowing if this is a paid site or just some girl he met online and might possible know in real life. You have every right to say" NO!" to him about him wanting 30 days to end his "relationship" with her and if he truly wants to work things out with you then he needs to stop being a dick right now as opposed to 30 days from now.

I'm sorry to sound harsh about your husband,as I am sure you love him or you would not be here. I think you probably know the right answer to your question. I don't think you're a fool. Just a woman who is confused and hurt and you have every right to be. YOU deserve much better and I hope that you can wake your husband up enough to see that YOU are worth it and that his priority should be YOU, his wife. If he really just loves you and not her than an easy way to prove that would be to on his knees begging for your forgiveness with assurances that he will never do that again and that YOU are the only one he wants. The 30 day thing makes zero sense if he is actually interested in making your marriage work. Not only has he violated your marriage vows, he wants you to give him a 30 day "pass" on being a complete and total jackass BEFORE he starts working on what is clearly an addiction issue that he is having?? Yeah, no!

I know you know the answer. You said it in your post:

He may not be able to be concerned about you if he is addicted to porn and cam girls. And I'm sorry for that for you. Only YOU can decide if you want to continue in your marriage. How much are you willing to put up with?

I'm sorry again for all you are going through. I wish you all the bravery that you will need to deal with this. There are a lot of strong, brave, intelligent, wonderful women on here that can help you. Keep writing. Maybe you'll be able to work through some of your pain that way.

-Hugs

 

Ugh! On your birthday! That's really awful. I'm so sorry.

Yikes! That sounds beyond ridiculous. 10k on a cam girl? Wow. I mean, I have read about how this addiction really changes people's brains but that is a lot to deal with for you or anyone in this situation. What you said here

is really true sadly. It may help you to go and read a bit on sex/porn addiction to help you understand why and how he could do and say what he has been doing.

How does that even compute inside anyone's head?? I'm not saying that to be rude to you at all but I am flabbergasted by some of the stories on here, yours included. Unbelievable what this addiction can convince people of that how they think is rational...

So, he just says he needs 30 days.. And he will still be doing cam girl type stuff with her during this time period? I mean isn't that 10k your money too?
None of this makes any sense. I'm really sorry that you feel like you have no place to go and that you have to bear this. That makes me incredibly sad to read that. I hope that that is just how you are feeling right now and not how things actually are for you.

I can't just say "If it was me, I would leave him" because a lot of women on here have really dealt with a lot, just like you, and most of them try to be helpful and rational in their responses to other women. I guess if I could give you any advice it would be treat yourself the way you would treat a person that you love...what would your advice be to a friend or loved one in your place? Do you think you would tell them that it was somehow their fault because they had some health issues and that they should have tried to be closer to their husband over the past few years? I don't think so! You and I don't know each other and I'm not going to tell you to blame yourself for any of this either! If you can't blame your husband then please at least concede that he has a problem (most likely a porn/sex addiction) and that his problem probably won't end with just this one girl. What is he going to do to prevent this from happening again? I would, at the very least start asking those questions to him. How can you move forward in a marriage where the husband cares more about another person,who is essentially a prostitute, than his wife? How are things going to change after these magical 30 days you are giving to him are up?

 

I'm SO sorry. If it helps you, please keep writing on this board and getting all your feelings out. I think that helps a lot, to just acknowledge the pain. Right now that is probably the best thing to do and then when you are ready you can try to figure out what your next steps are.

Again, I'm sorry you are hurting. I wish there was something more I could do or say to help.

 

YOU don't have to go anywhere!! HE DOES. Kick his ass out. It's your house and he cheated on you! Stand firm in your boundries, woman!! Stand up for your self respect!! YOU deserve better. He is manipulating you and knows you are a pushover. He knows you told him no to the "30 days" bullshit, but he is doing it anyway, isn't he? Are you a pushover, dumb girl or are you a strong, smart woman?! Show him the door and don't let him back unless you want to trust him again...but trust actions, not words!!

 

And 10k in 6 months?!?!!! Fuck no. He's have more than gone over the line. He needs to check into rehab and get help. If he was a gambling addict would you give him access to money? Would you trust his words not to do it again? Nope, nope, nope. You need to protect yourself.

 

Does what you wrote here make you feel like he is taking 30 days to say goodbye?

I'm sure it doesn't make you feel like he is saying goodbye and my question is rhetorical, of course.

I have to say again how sorry I am for all of the pain that this is undoubtedly causing you. I'm sure that the devastation you must be feeling about this has made you think it's a hopeless situation. I don't know how anyone gets past what you've gone through and goes on to have a normal relationship with their spouse.

Do you think that you could maybe start getting things in order for yourself financially so that you will be able to be in a position to leave this very unhealthy relationship sometime soon? You mentioned him spending 10k on this girl so it sounds as if there is/was money available to you as well? I mean legally half of his money is yours or at least it could be... I mean I don't know what your finances look like and if you have separate bank accounts..etc. A lot depends on where you live... Also, depending on how long you were married and what state you live in, you should be entitled to alimony, if he was/is the breadwinner. I also think that a retainer for a lawyer probably would be worth your effort in scraping up money for.

I've never really advised anyone on here to leave their relationship but given all of your posts and your new confirmation that you have that he is STILL interacting with this girl and wants to plan on her coming here and putting a ring on her finger...I don't see you having much choice with how you move forward. You could stay in this situation but I REALLY hope that you don't. I hope you choose yourself instead of a man who is clearly so far gone that he thinks its plausible that a 28 year woman from Romania is in love with him. That is very pathetic and whether that is from an addiction or he is just a crazy jackass, I really can't say. He definitely needs some serious help though.

I think you need a lawyer. I'm so sorry. Is there no one you can go to for help?

Again, please take my advice for what it's worth. We are all broken on here in some ways and therefore can only give advice based off our own life experiences. I just wanted to tell you what I think a dear friend of yours would be saying to you right now and what I hope I would be doing if I was in your position. Which would be making plans to start leaving him as soon as humanly possible.

I wish I could give you a hug. Keep writing if you can. It may help you to think through what some of your next steps are.

 

I agree with GID2020–you should be starting the process of setting yourself up without him. Even if you decide to stay, it doesn’t mean things will work out. Please look into finances, meet with a lawyer, set all your ducks in a row to be on your own. I am afraid you will be blind sided when he leaves you to pursue another woman...he must need you to do his laundry and cook his meals in the meantime? He is using you and being cruel.

 

The facts seem to be that he's either asked for 30 days to "end it" or is not planning on ending anything. I don't know if he's delusional about the cam girl marriage thing or it's a knowing fantasy thing, but it will be expensive either way. If you can't leave, I'd seriously cut off the internet and credit card and phone if possible. I'd tell him straight up that that's the only thing between him and a real messy divorce real fast.

You are well within your rights to leave. But, if you want to help in anyway, then the more you can do to cut him off the better. Might not work but you tried. Unless he's violent, or could be, then just get out.

A porn addict and a con job, with you as the real victim. I'm sorry this is happening to you. I think you need to see this as a fire. Not your choice, it happens. Pack what you can on the way out and let your community help you get back on your feet as the house (your husband, your marriage) burns down.

 

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I know you are going though unimaginable pain and heartbreak. I know the toll I'm sure it's taken on you. The endless worrying, sleepless nights, the back and forth with your heart and head of what to do, do you leave, do you stay? Can you ever forgive and trust him again. Will he really stop? Does he mean it when he says he wants and loves you? Wants to save your marriage? The scenarios are countless, I know. My heart goes out to you. If you ever want to reach out one to one, I'll be happy to speak with you. Have you two talked about counselling? Separate and together? Of course, he has to admit he has a problem and wants help. I've done a lot of research into porn addiction, because that's what this is, only difference, it's live and interactive. And expensive. My psychologist specializes in this, and the way he explained it to me is, the brain actually gets rewired in someone with this type of addiction. Webcam addiction is harder to overcome, because its an emotional addiction. I do hope you two can find a good counselor who specializes in this. I will say, you do have a tough road ahead of you, and I absolutely understand.


I must say, when I read this, I was reading almost the very same story I'm going through now. However, my nightmare started towards the end of 2018, but I think he's been doing it longer. I posted my story also.

I

 

As a sex / pmo addict, i can tell you 30 days doesn’t begin to address this addiction.
It’s a long, hard battle where gains are measured slowly.
And the gains only take place if you are serious about recovery (your partner does not seem to be).
So the 30 days he’s asking for is just a “time extension” so he can continue with his addictive behavior a bit longer before the sh*t hits the fan. Nothing will change until he admits that he has a problem and starts taking steps towards recovery.

 

hi my brain has rewired bcz of pmo. help me pls i am miserable too

 

If this guy does not immediately cut himself off the internet and check into some kind of rehabilitation program, I do not see any way this marriage continues. He has consistently demonstrated he is either enthralled with this sex worker or too addicted to the situation to get help. Either one is game over and you deserve a lot better than this. I am so sorry this had to happen so deep into your relationship, and marriage.

You might be tempted to blame yourself further for not catching him sooner, for not making your side clearer, etc, but I would recommend that you get a real firm hold on that right away. You are only culpable for his behaviour the way someone is culpable for getting into a car accident because they decided not to stay home that day. I.E. causally, but not actually responsible. This is something you should see a therapist over as soon as you can, before bad mental habits set in and you lose yourself to guilt and regret.

Per the living situation, if things hit a breaking point, do you have family or friends you might be able to bunk with for awhile?