Why we don't give a sh*t before relapsing

I totally understand that feeling. Just went through it this morning. Even if I really don't want to relapse, I end up at that point where I really don't care for the last 5 seconds before going through the whole regret phase. Honestly, I don't know why. I think it's because it is what our minds are comfortable with. Our brains are incredibly powerful, and they themselves can lie and fool us into going back to old habits. I'd like to share a story about a friend of mine who went so far hard-core as to not even look at a women and ogle. If he saw a beautiful woman, he would immediately look away. He told me about how his brain would fool him into a second glance. For a second, he thought he recognized whoever he saw, prompting him to look again. I think our brains do stuff like this because habits can affect us so much. Dunno, just my thoughts on it.

 

This is so true @Bale Its as if all the work and effort we've put in is dismissed in a single thought "it's okay" boom, done. I refer to it as going onto autopilot, it's as if I switch my mind off and just automatically look at female bodies, sometimes I think "I'll just take a look" but that inevitably leads to the rest..

I'd love to work out and understand why this happens, I've started speaking to a counsellor and have been talking about this a lot. I hate the "autopilot" I think surroundings are a key trigger for "autopilot" as I just nearly did it then whilst lying in bed... I realised in time and got up to unlink the thought.

It's so easy to get into the addiction by a single thought, then it's obviously enjoyable whilst doing it, then comes the realisation at the end when the damage is done.. I need to understand the triggers to "autopilot" so I can stop it happening!

It's a battle!

 

It's called rationalizing. Your gremlin (that voice in your head) tells you excuses, stories, and make you stop caring about things. It amplifies the pleasure of that act of indulgence, temporarily making it seem like it's better than the benefits of NoFap.

Yeah you're proud of your streak, you feel happy and awesome. You experienced the benefits and you're excited about it. But if you succumb to your own thoughts and let yourself free flow for awhile, chances are you won't be able to put up a battle and you'll lose it before you know.

Stay strong on your feet and don't open any chances for your urges, good luck!

 

We also have to be cold-blooded at that time so we can do something that is not nearly as exciting as porn. The problem is, everytime we are aroused, we have to MO. If we break that connection, that usual reaction to arousal, we can start some pattern.
I personally look forward to my next urge. I vow to myself that I will respond with push ups to whatever I am sent.

 

Some really good points. I don't know why, maybe check with someone who is an addiction expert.

The answer for me is to block porn from my immediate environment. It's hard to be vigilant all the time. Even when i'm doing good with exercise, meditation, and cold showers, I still have weak moments. When I was living in a house with no internet I was fine, but now that I have constant internet it's harder to be vigilant when I'm in a weak moment.

So, I can't tell you why, I can only tell you my best how...

 

So based on everything here, it seems that the only way to avoid this is to constantly control your own thoughts and to block others, because I too also have experienced the fact where I might fantasize about a sexual relationship and in the next moment i have a strong urge that I cannot control. So the first thing is to control your thoughts but that is easier said then done. It is really difficult because I myself have tried many times and when I do I "freeflow" many times, there are sometimes where I dont even realize that I am free flowing and I just get lost in thought, and sometimes it is really fun to entertain thoughts in your head and if you don't it is very boring.

So the question is, what are the best ways of controlling your thoughts and concentrate on surroundings and get to the point where you are thinking about nothing but the task at hand?

 

I have had the exact feeling the past three days. I made five days, my goal was 9 then i could be with my girlfreind and release. I lost it the 6th day and relapsed and relapsed the past two days too. You feel great then things get in your head and your mind convinces you to do what you dont want. The past 3 relapses have hit me hard leaving me broken, even crying becuase i feel so guilty, and i dont cry. My fight hasnt been very sucessful but at the same time i am lacking and not fallowing through with the long term on rutiens and trying to break habbits.

 

I like to consider this as the evil part of my brain and it is hell of a badass smart evil lawyer ! That lawyer can easily convince you that PMO is totally ok and good for you and nothing bad is ever gonna happen . If you argue with that lawyer while having an urge you will probably fail , so I suggest that you argue with him right now ! so that when an urge occur and that evil part starts to convince you about relapsing you will just say "I have already had this argument and I figured out that not fapping is the good choice" . Actually that's why most fapstronauts set up P filters and avoid anything NSFW , this way they avoid having that argument in the first place . He is really good and they will probably fail against him .

 

I agree, it is very hard to fight those urges.
I tried so many times and could never go over 5 days, until I read one tip which helped me a lot: next time you fap, make a video of yourself staring at the computer like a robot and fapping until you cum.
Watch that video and you will realized how pathetic is our addiction, how low you look, and how selfish the whole " carnal relationship" with a computer is, while probably your wife is sleeping next door ( or you can get out and find some real woman and have a real relation).
I' ve used this video the two times I was very tempted to fap and it worked, Ingelt pity about myself.
Another thing that trigger my willingness to change was that I had sex with a famous porn star ( paying, of course) and I listen the reality of a porn star life. It is far from the happy and glamorous image we got in the videos. They are forced to have sex with the company owners ( even if they are old and pervert), they are forced to have sex without condoms and 45% of them find a tragic death before they get old ( usually due to drugs, violence or AIDS).
If we do not stop consuming these shit, we are making the owners of the studios rich, and we are getting poorer ( in some cases morally poor and as I read her, in some cases guys losing their jobs, families and houses)
I hope I helped

 

Guys: "Neuroscientists call it hypofrontality. Hypofrontality is a state in which there is decreased blood flow to the prefrontal lobes of the brain. Hypofrontality is observed in schizophrenia patients, and is also observed in all manner of addictions."

You need to prepare to for this state. We all end up in states of stress, fatigue, too much to drink, whatever, where we end up in this auto-pilot shot term gratification mode. Knowing it will happen will allow you to prepare for it. Knowing how barely rational you are in that state you need to practice and rehearse the counter arguments in a simple clear way.

There are many other ways to battle it:
One effective way to alter your mode of consciousness and snap out of this is to become super aware of the present moment and present surroundings. Do deliberate conscious breathing (meditation). Plan ahead that as soon as you feel this state coming on you do some safe escape behavior, Like go for a walk, hit the floor and do 30 pushups, call a friend, start whacking the panic button on the top bar of this page etc.

Another effective way is to do mental exercises to get "comfortable with discomfort". You have to step back and observe your mind, rather than doing it's bidding in uncomfortable situations: Cold showers, pushing beyond your limit in exercise, eating only healthy nutritious food, etc. Watch how your mind squirms in protest like a whiney weasel, watch how it lies and makes excuses and exaggerates the situation. If you focus on the actual discomfort of the actual situation rather than what your mind is telling you you will notice it is not so bad. The PMO urge is actually not so bad. Your mind is trying to convince you it's unbearable... watch this process while you have cold water running over your head and stay with it... it will become much easier to snap out of the auto pilot

 

Brilliant, helpful, insightful post. Thank you! I especially relate to the whiney weasel characterization ¥

 

I think this video has the answer.



It is a long video but has the explanation for why the cravings are the highest about a week into your challenge. Check around 1 hr 5 mins 15 secs onwards into the video.

The good news is that if you can make it 4 weeks into your reboot, things get easier (Note: Easier not Easy! )

 

i totally understand how you feel. I had completed my streak of 7 days but there's this thing that pushes you, it's sort of like you're kind of depressed on the 7th day(happened with me twice) and you crave for someone or some kind of physical intimacy and touch so you go ahead and watch P and MO. This has been the case with me twice and both times it has occured on my 7th day. Mind plays games with you. Beware lol, but be persistent and determined, you'll face some bumps along the way nut you've got to fight it.

 

Wait my friend that sounds perhaps like another rationalization

Seriously: it just means that you are getting closer to being aware of the root of your problem. That rationalizing Gremlin is going to be with you always he is just going to be less of a boss and more of an irrelevant whiner. But you have to meet and defeat him in battle, I don't think there is another way. There is this nice analogy of draining the swamp to kill the alligator instead of taking on the alligator head on.... but the alligator is PMO... the swamp is your Gremlin..

The best we can do is pass on what set of things we came across that worked for us. One thing these forums drive home for me is how different we all are. And in the end you end up with a collection of hints, suggestions and perhaps some misinformation but you're going to have to grab your gear get your hands dirty and wrestle this damn thing to the ground. Yeah your inner enemy is crafty, he is going to knock the wind out of you, and beat the crap out of you many times... but so what? Learn, improve, get up and back in the fight.
At this point (I have two young boys) I would love some comprehensive class, methodology, training, preparation to save them from falling into traps like these. For young kids there is nothing. But for us at this point the best thing going is Alexanders and Marks nofapacademy.com. It has made a decisive difference for me.. (and I have been at this for 10 years...) If there is anything resembling the relevant preparation you need then that is the first thing I would check out.

Ok yes this is good. Journaling, therapy, meditation, prayer, introspection are all things I needed as well. But I would suggest you will get the most out of doing these while fighting the PMO as best you can, even if it means you stumble every 5+ days.

It's starting to dawn on me that what you are struggling with is frustration with failure. Failure is not really the problem. You learn the most from the failures. You just keep trying learning, improving your strategy, and eventually you will break free.

Good luck brother, great post.

 

JackStrident, I greatly appreciate your posts in this topic. I have been trying to quit for months, and hypofrontality (or rationalization as I used to call it) has kept me from doing so.

Now that I know a bit more about it, I hope I can defeat it next. Drop to the floor and do 30 push-ups. That's what I will do to break out of it initially. I will also keep up the cold showers. Thanks.

 

I too find JackStrident's posts helpful and intelligent. The great thing about this community is that help cones from many fronts!

 

Mate your honesty is admirable and shows how serious you are about self-improvement and self-control. You will get there I feel it. I like your Bruce Lee quotes!

 

Very difficult to rationalize. My brain can be very cold and spiteful when trying to rationalize. Wish there was an exhaustive list with the correct responses. Also, correct responses will be different depending on persons history / aims / present situation.

Very much appreciate the post. Extremely helpful feedback included.