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Is there any reason to get married other than for legal benefits?

Discussion in 'Off-topic Discussion' started by Becoming Jasmine, Apr 14, 2020.

  1. Becoming Jasmine

    Becoming Jasmine Fapstronaut

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    I’ve been wondering this a lot lately. I just don’t see any reason marriage would ever be a good idea. I’ve never met any married couple that seemed happy. They all seem stressed, tired, and defeated.

    Does anyone have any experiences that counter this?
     
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  2. Mistersofty

    Mistersofty Fapstronaut

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    I see a lot of what you see when I look at married couples. I think people are programmed from the day they are born to get married and start a family, and are seen as odd ducks should they decide not to follow suit. So what happens is people feel this pressure as they get to 30-35/yrs and end up settling because they are afraid of ending up alone. Only problem is that they often end up with the wrong person when they reach that point in their lives. As far as legal benefits, many don’t consider them, while others take advantage of them. Then there’s the ones that are lucky enough to find that special someone and everything falls into place. Just my two cents.
     
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  3. That's because most people don't understand what marriage is supposed to be about.

    I'm gonna lay down some truth that most people here won't like, but it's why so many marriages these days fail or are miserable staying together.

    God didn't design marriage to make you happy and have butterflies in your stomach for the rest of your life. He designed marriage to make you grow.

    Marriage is an incredibly beautiful thing, if you see it for what it is. In marriage, you are completely exposed. You can't hide your crap. It's all laid out on the table. And a lot of people don't like that, and those people aren't going to enjoy marriage. But if you take that as an opportunity to grow and work through things, learn how to compromise, how to forgive, how to love someone unconditionally, how to sacrifice, then you will have s great marriage.

    The problem is that too many people thing marriage exists to make them happy. Their motivations are entirely selfish. They go into marriage thinking it's going to be one thing, and they're surprised when they find out it's not what the expected. So either they get divorced or they stay together and whine about how much marriage isn't what they expected.

    OR, you can take a different route. You can appreciate the beauty of marriage for what it is and what it was always meant to be.

    A friend of mine was molested by her dad as a kid. She got married having not dealt with any of that, and basically as soon as she got married, everything she had been avoiding was suddenly unavoidable. You can't hide stuff for long with a spouse.

    Many people could have taken that as a terrible thing. He could have been upset that his wife suddenly had these huge problems she didn't have when they were dating. She could have been resentful that marriage seemed to make her life worse, because suddenly she had to address things she thought she had moved past.

    But instead, they both took it as an opportunity for growth. When she was weak, he was strong. He supported her and helped her. He stretched her to address the things she wanted to just push aside, because he wanted what was best for her. Their strength and weaknesses in their personalities balance each other out so well.

    And now, years later, she has worked through her family issues, and just when she is moving to this position of strength and empowerment, he started to become depressed by his job, and suddenly she is now the one taking care of him and supporting him to find a new position that is better for his mental health.

    I've had the great pleasure of getting to walk alongside this couple for the past several years of these trials, and it's so incredible to see the way they have worked through it all together, made each other stronger, and come out the other side closer than ever. They are both pretty happy now. Her family situation has improved, she's moved on from her past trauma, he has a new job, and a couple days ago they just announced to us that they're having a baby!

    This is just one of several couples I've gotten to walk with in the past few years of attending a marriage group every couple weeks. These stories are so inspiring and beautiful to me. It's amazing to see the ways people who believe in the beauty of marriage get to reap the benefits of that. When you don't give up at the first sight of trouble, and you don't live in bitterness and resentment, when you take those trials as opportunities to grow and to work through things together, you get the reward of seeing what the light at the end of the tunnel looks like.

    My husband always likes to tell me that we are on the same team. When trials arise, when disagreements come up and conflicts rear their ugly heads, we are on the same team. It's not him against me, it's us, together, against whatever is fighting to tear us apart.

    It honestly makes me sad that people can't see the beauty of marriage. It's one of the most incredibles things in life, probably third in line behind having a relationship with your Creator and being a parent.
     
  4. Raven King

    Raven King Fapstronaut

    I married my wife because I love her. Our marriage (with rings and all) is a symbol of our devotion and commitment to each other.
    It also means that we are spoken for.
     
  5. Honestly a lot of it comes down to the ability to focus on the positive in life instead of the negative. It's not just marriage that is ruined by that difference. The people who walk through life constantly focusing on the negatives, are going to be miserable.

    Those who choose to focus on the hood things will find at least some sort of satisfaction and success.

    The same is true for marriage. Another couple I know, they are SO different from each other. They're really almost exact opposites in almost everything. They could easily take that as a bad thing, but instead they take it as a chance to see another person's way of thinking and stretch their own view of the world.

    Do they have a lot of conflicts and disagreements? You bet! We get to hear all about them in marriage group. Lol but instead of wallowing, we all laugh together about how easily we can misunderstand our spouses and how easily they can get on our nerves. And then we move on and resolve our differences and learn and grow from them.

    Like anything else in life, you will get out of marriage whatever you put in. If you aren't ready for or willing to put in the hard work, then perhaps marriage isn't for you. But in my opinion, it is well worth the effort.
     
  6. Anakin66

    Anakin66 Fapstronaut

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    You can't really judge married couples from the outside. Couples can be stressed, tired etc and still be happy to be together.

    Happiness is a temporary state.

    Marriage is a beautiful experience. Whenever you truly fall in love with someone you'll know why marriage is important.
     
  7. Anakin66

    Anakin66 Fapstronaut

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    Couldn't have said it better!
     
  8. Becoming Jasmine

    Becoming Jasmine Fapstronaut

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    I suppose I should clarify a few things. First off, I’m mainly speaking from experience with married couples I’ve known well enough to be able to really see how the relationship was working, or I at least knew someone who did. I agree that it’s an awful idea to try to judge from the outside, which is why I’m not really factoring in the very small handful of couples I’ve met that seem to be doing okay, because I just know them far too poorly to have any idea of whether that’s actually true. Of all the married people I’ve really gotten to know, all of them were at their wits end trying to make things work, and failing worse than you can possibly imagine.

    I think I have fallen in love before. I hope I’m wrong. It was one of the worst and most painful experiences of my entire life. I don’t ever want to repeat that.

    Thanks for the response. I don’t know if it’s yet to come or not, but I hope your marriage is like that.
     
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  9. Becoming Jasmine

    Becoming Jasmine Fapstronaut

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    That’s fair. I suppose some people wouldn’t feel committed to if their partner wouldn’t marry them. I can understand that.
     
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  10. The comparison/generalization game will get you nowhere. I know plenty of people who have terrible marriages, but mine is great. Thinking that marriage must be bad because some people have bad marriages would be like writing off all human beings because a lot of people have committed horrible violent crimes. There are obviously a lot of terrible people in the world, and there are also a lot of good people in the world. The same is true for marriage.

    I'm not doubting that is your experience, but mind has been completely different.

    Also, it's easy to see the negative things in someone else's relationship. You might see them fighting it hesr them complaining about each other, but then you don't see the make-up moment where they come to an understanding and grow and make sacrifices for each other.

    I think I understand what you mean, but that is not real love. Or at least it isn't mutual love. I would say I was in love with my ex boyfriend in high school, and he absolutely shattered my heart. But the thing is, he definitely wasn't in love with me, or he wouldn't have done that.

    But another thing to note is that love DOES hurt sometimes. When you love someone, they have more power to hurt you than anyone else, I would say, because their opinion means a lot to you. So if they say something that hurts you, it hurts even more than it would coming from someone else.

    My husband and I have exchanged some harsh words in arguements. He's hurt my feelings a lot, and I've cried a lot. But at the end of the day, we love each other and we always come to a place of forgiveness and apologies.

    To me, the true beauty in life isn't in being happy or safe all the time. It's in the moments we fail or get hurt or whatever, and then come out of that situation stronger and better than before.

    So I see what you mean, and that is valid. Love does hurt sometimes. Marriage is HARD, and it's not all sunshines and rainbows. I personally think the good things are SO worth the hard parts, though. It's like running a marathon to win a million dollars. It's gonna be tough and uncomfortable, and it would be so much more pleasant to not push yourself so hard to win the race. But if you don't, you don't get the prize in the end.

    So it's really just up to the individual to decide what they think is worth while. You don't have to ever get married. Personally I think you will miss out on something great by not pursuing it, but you can still have a good life without marriage. I'm a big fan if marriage, obviously, but I don't think it's necessarily the right path for everybody.
     
  11. I'm full of great marriage stories, by the way. Lol I could literally go on and on and on about the incredible marriage stories I've heard and seen from my own life, my parents, and the other couples in my marriage group. If you ever want more, you know where to find me.
     
  12. Becoming Jasmine

    Becoming Jasmine Fapstronaut

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    Very. You’re a brave person for daring to voice this opinion.

    Another controversial opinion: couples who aren’t married can, and very often do, love each other just as much. You can of course disagree, but I don’t personally see why one necessarily has to marry to love. From my perspective, the only real difference between being married and not being married is how much you’re compelled to stay with someone who isn’t right for you, which is also probably why divorces are higher than they used to be, as there isn’t as much social pressure against it.
    I don’t agree with everything you said, but that was beautiful and very well said. I can get behind looking for opportunities to grow instead of just trying to be happy all the time (a definite lost cause).

    I enjoyed hearing about this couple and their struggles, particularly that they were able to work through them and supported one another throughout. I like this world you’re describing. It sounds more like a work of fiction than reality, since people in this world seem to care about each other and bad things eventually get better (though I certainly believe you’re telling the truth). I don’t live in that world, but I kinda wish I did. Maybe I can visit there someday.

    And yeah, I’m agnostic, and a divine creator that’s good in any way seems far fetched to me. But I do hope to someday be a parent, and that’s probably the only reason I can think of to ever get married. So hey, two out of three isn’t so bad.
     
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  13. Becoming Jasmine

    Becoming Jasmine Fapstronaut

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    I may very well take you up on that! I’ve enjoyed hearing you tell them. They’re so uplifting that they sound like something that could only come from a story (not that I’m accusing you of lying). It’s nice to hear good things happening somewhere in the world for a change of pace.
     
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  14. Well if you happen to live in a desert for the first 20-30 years of your life or so, do you go about believing the whole world to be a desert?

    Ofc a lot of people are unhappy these days, because values, sacrifice, adjustment, understanding and change are alien words in our society and people only care about me, mine, myself a lot.

    My parents are happily married, they do fight now and then, but it's over such mundane matters that I end up laughing at them when I hear about it. I have a lot of friends who are married for a couple years now and are very happy in their lives. That doesn't mean they have an ideal marriage, but from what I see and feel from both the friends and their wives, it's a happy world.

    Now I am lucky enough to be living in a part of the world where to this day people put emotional health above material wealth, at least the old ones do, and the young ones who listen to their elders and try to see what they actually mean.

    So in my opinion no marriage is ever going to be totally happy! It's like a business partnership, you ride the highs and lows together focusing on the core values and not cheating or stabbing one another in the back. As long as you are willing to accept and learn from your mistakes (your partner as well), it's gonna be worth it.
     
  15. Marriage has a lot of goals. One to build a family and this is an important factor for the whole to build a society. Secondly to have a healthy sex life. Thirdly, It is a relationship built on love and responsibility, where both partners support each other and live the best and worst of their moments together. It is natural that fights and misunderstandings happen, but this should not effect the responsibility, respect and trust for both partners, This creates familiarity that should always stay.
    There are many bad experiences for different reasons, but the major Marriages are just successful and happy ones. Simply as every elderly man says: Marriage is a stage of stability in the human's life.
     
  16. ReclaimedLife

    ReclaimedLife Fapstronaut

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    In the end, this is just a very subjective decision.
    You will never find a common ground.

    There are married couples that have amazing relationships.
    And there are couples that have amazing relationships without ever getting married.

    The same is true for relationships that are actually really bad, no matter whether the people who are involved in it are married or not.

    Its as Castielle said, it's about being a team as a couple, and if you're lucky enough, love as well.
    I personally prefer liking over loving a woman, because those strong emotions tend to fade with the years. Not for all, but for a lot of people.
    But i am seeing it everywhere. Couples who are still in love after 15+ years of marriage are extremely rare.

    Everything people experience in a marriage can be experienced without it as well.
    Its more about how to handle the relationship that makes the difference.
     
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  17. Oh of course they do! Saying people get married for love doesn't imply that people who don't get married don't love each other.

    I don't disagree at all :)

    I get why a lot of people have that view. To me, marriage is largely a religious institution. So if you aren't religious, I can see why marriage wouldn't have much value to you.

    However, I would recommend looking at statistics, especially if you ever want to have children. It's pretty widely shown that children with married parents do far better in life than those with parents who aren't married.

    There are lots of reasons why marriage is a good idea, especially if you want kids. Even if you don't want kids, I personally believe that commitment is important. What I mentioned about about learning how to love unconditionally and sacrifice for each other and make compromises and forgive? Sure, you can learn some of those things, to some degree, if you aren't married, but I don't think you can experience them as deeply. Because you have the option to just leave, and it's a lot easier of an option than it would be if you were married.

    There are some things I've learned about my husband that, had I known them when we were just dating, I probably would have broken up with him. But because I learned them later, I was stretched to expand my idea of what is forgivable and what isn't.

    To me, as someone who loves Jesus, this is incredibly valuable to me, because it grows me to be more like Christ. Jesus died for the sins of all of us, even the really, really horrible ones. If he is able to forgive those things, when he actually has every right to just damn us for them and not give us any other option, then who am I to say I can't forgive my husband for something, even when it's hard?

    I wouldn't have learned that depth of forgiveness if I wasn't married. There are many other things i highly doubt i would have learned and grown in and experienced if I was only dating my husband. There are many reasons why dating and marriage are not the same.

    I'm not trying to "convince you" to get married or something, by the way. You asked for people with other opinions to share why they believe what they believe, so that's what I'm doing.

    Right?? That's actually what I told them one day. I'm an author, and believe me, the whole time they were sharing their testimony I was like "you guys... this sounds like a novel." But that's how God works. He's an author too, and he makes beauty from the ashes.

    You can do much more than visit. If you truly want this world and you want to experience this way of living, Jesus has invited everybody to accept him as their Savior, including you. Don't get me wrong, there are definitely a lot or Christians who aren't living this way. But that's because they aren't following the Bible's instructions on how to live.

    Honestly, even if you don't want to or aren't ready to accept Jesus as your savior, I would still recommend reading the Bible to see what God says is a good way to live. That's what me, my husband, and the other couples in our group are doing. That's where our marriage advice comes from. That's where all of our advice on how to live well comes from, and I can honestly say in my entire life, it has never once let me down. I see people recommending self help books all the time, but this is the best self help book on the market that has radically transformed the most amount of lives.

    I think a lot of people, especially non-belivers but believers as well, think that the "rules" or "ways of living" God lays out in the Bible are there to control us. But that couldn't be future from the truth. They're there to guide us on a path that will lead us to the highest level of joy, contentment, and satisfaction we can find on this earth. It's like when parents teach their kids to brush their teeth and eat their vegetables. It's not a punishment or some weird power trip where they want to control their children. They're teaching them those things because they want them to have a good life, and health and dental hygiene are important to ensure fewer problems for them in the future.

    The same can be said of the "rules" in the Bible. They are there because they are the best way to live that will be good for us. I can say that every time I have felt like something in the Bible didn't make sense or I didn't know if I agreed with a specific command or guideline, I've always been wrong and realized later in life that it was actually there to protect me, and if I would have listened I would be much happier and better off at this point.

    If this world I live in sounds like a fairytale, that's because it honestly kind of is sometimes. I know I sound a little high in the sky and crazy, but it's only because I really want everyone to have this, and the crazy thing is that anyone can, but they choose not to! That just baffles me. You're missing out on something huge and life changing, and that makes me kind of sad. I hope you choose to give Jesus a chance and have this life you say you would love to have, because it's right in front of you. You CAN have it. You don't have to just visit. You can live here forever.

    Anyway, I didn't intent to preach at you or anything, but what you said just made me a little sad, that you wish you could have this life but you don't think you can. Because I know you can. I'm not anything special, and neither are any of my friends. We're all just as screwed up as the rest of humanity. Lol the only thing special about us is our relationship with Jesus.

    Anyway, that's it. I don't want to preach too much on here publicly, but if you or anyone else wants to continue this conversation, my DMs are always open.

    I'd love to talk to you more about that, but I'll save it for the DMs and leave it up to you.
     
  18. Hm. It's interesting you say that, because I feel the opposite. Liking someone is the thing that fades, in my opinion.

    To me, love is a choice, and it needs to be viewed that way, or a marriage will never succeed. It might not break apart with divorce, but if you believe love is a feeling, you will not have love for your spouse forever. Lol I've only been married almost 7 years and I already know that to be true many times over.

    This little kid said it best:


    "I love you, but I don't like you all the time."

    If love was an emotion, I would definitely not love my husband all the time. I certainly don't like him all the time.

    But to me love is a choice, and often an action. Which again is something I think is beautiful about marriage, because when you commit to being with one person for the rest of your life, you NEED to learn that love is not a feeling, or things will not go well for you. Marriage is kind of like getting a job you aren't quite qualified for, but you know you can do it, so you accept the position and learn as you go, improving along the way.

    I choose to love my husband even when I don't like him. I do this in many ways, such as choosing not to yell at him even when he makes me angry, choosing to give him the last piece of cake even when he's been driving me crazy all day or he just said something that hurt my feelings, etc. Or choosing to "keep no record of wrongs" when we resolve an issue and he apologizes, so my view of him remains as my best teammate, not tainted by something negative.

    I hate to keep bringing up religion, but it's just so dang cool to me to see all the ways marriage parallels God's relationship with us. The Bible says that marriage is a picture that reflects Christ and his people, and I see that so much all the time in my marriage. I'm kind of a nerd for this theological stuff, so pardon me. Lol

    But anyway, I think love is a choice and liking someone is not really a choice. So to me, I would hang on to love and remember that it isn't merely an emotion.
     

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