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Self disgust and confusion

Discussion in 'Compulsive Sexual Behavior' started by 0PTIMIST1C, Apr 23, 2020.

  1. 0PTIMIST1C

    0PTIMIST1C New Fapstronaut

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    Greeting everyone

    I've been addicted to porn probably since I was 15. Started viewing at 12 but wasn't bad until I got a phone and had access to everything. My tastes escilated pretty fast thanks to getting bored of Pornhub and resorting to 4chans adult gif section. Exposed me to tons of extreme fetishes and caused me to experiment with prostate stimulation. Ended up watching a bunch of sissy hypno threads that probably were not the best for a 16 year olds development. I never imagined myself as the sissy, but more as the person breaking in the sissy. Eventually I moved on to transexual porn and that's where things started to get a bit out of hand.

    I've dabbled with anal stimulation throughout the years, but only when nothing else was getting me off and I felt bad about myself. I think there is a link between my low self esteem and it but that seems like a different issue entirely. But during sometime last year, I was going through a rough patch and decided that I wanted to try something new. I decided to look for a Trans or CD to hook up with. Eventually I found a CD who I thought looked passable, and I anxiously agreed to meet up. I was genuinely curious about this and was interested in bottoming, but throughout the whole process I became more and more turned off. I ended up topping, but couldn't keep my erection as I realized what I was actually doing. I stopped and said that this didnt feel right and I ended up leaving. After I got outside my mind started to run and physically felt my stomach turning over as I thought about what I had done.

    Fast forward to this year, and I went into it with high self image and esteem, as I had a girlfriend and regular sex. But my performance wasn't the same as it had been with anyone else, I couldn't stay hard. I felt numb and had trouble staying erect without direct stimulation (what I think is PIED coupled with size anxiety). Due to this, I became increasingly insecure about the sex in the relationship, leading to needy behavior that pushed her away. I didnt feel good enough or big enough and that was slowly causing me to act more and more unlike myself. At this point I thought I'm not attracted to women anymore, because I could hardly hold an erection when one was right in front of me.

    Now my latest behavior pattern consists of viewing transsexual porn, not feeling satisfied by it, and downloading grindr to pursue one in real life. During this whole process, my throat goes dry, I physically start to shake, and my stomach turns exactly like It did after my experience with the CD. This isnt true attraction to me, it's not coming from the same place of confidence I used to have with women. My behavior honestly disgusts me, and it's now becoming a problem in my daily life. Rebooting seems like the right path, but I know it will take a long time to rewire the connections my brain has made. Any more insight explaining why I made this association would be appreciated.

    Thanks
     
  2. jojojo888

    jojojo888 Fapstronaut

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    brother, if U went through such a downslide of porn history, don't be disgusted by yourself, it's just the natural consequence of what you exposed yourself to. PORN is poison to your mind because ur programming ur subconcious mind unwillingfuly and completely unaware: u release neurotransmitters while SUBCONCIOUSLY associate the content u see (the sound,images, symbols, what u feel, etc. TO YOUR SUBCONCIOUS, what u FAP TO IS REAL, IT'S not like your aware you're watching an animated screen at the moment ur fappin, you are convincing your EGO that you are actually EXPERIENCING the shit you watch. UR not only fappin ur meat, ur fappin ur MIND. ) This is my view and this is why porn is f'd up in general. It can be more dangerous than it seems because just like u I became addicted when I was vulnerable. But that aint us no more. Just google MIND PROGRAMMING. tons of not only insightful shit will pop up, but also some very interesting info
     
    CaptainFranklin and 0PTIMIST1C like this.
  3. You_ll_succed_for_sure

    You_ll_succed_for_sure Fapstronaut

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    0PTIMIST1C likes this.
  4. Hi, guess it is simple. You're an addict. Welcome to the community. The What may look different from others, the Why is cause that's the normal process of addiction. You can make it complicated and try to understand, thus you'll never get to the ground of it. You are right, REBOOT is what's needed now. Then later maybe, when being clear again, you will see why it happened. Get off the hook. Good luck.
     
    0PTIMIST1C likes this.
  5. Marcus Aurelius

    Marcus Aurelius Fapstronaut

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    I have the unpopular opinion that shame can be a good thing. It can be an appropriate response to shameful behaviour. I was ashamed by some of the sadistic porn that I looked at and, I think, rightly so. The important thing is that you use your shame as a spur to action, to better yourself, and when you do that you should be able to forgive yourself and the shame will go away. Wallowing in shame and refusing to forgive yourself is when it becomes toxic.
     
    0PTIMIST1C and kammaSati like this.

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