Urge to OD!

I did 90 days of hard mode, monk mode you name it. I suffer from anxiety and I don’t know where to turn anymore. I’ve tried everything. I’m not depressed, nor sad or suicidal, as a matter of fact I’m a very happy man. I’m just tired and I don’t want to feel this feeling anymore and I know whatever we resist, presist but I can not continue this impending doom. All I can think right now is get fucked up everyday and die but on the other hand that’s such a pussy move letting my family with a trauma, and grief and to be honest suicide is such a selfish action. Shit I don’t even know why I’m posting this, no one can help me, the demons are wining!

 

Hello,

I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling. Rebooting has its ups and downs, just like life. We see many people experiencing both the ups and downs during the reboot, and though it may be hard to see now, these feelings you are having won’t last forever. It will get better with time, if you are patient and wait.

In the meantime, please seek professional help. I know the idea of calling a helpline might terrify you, but in times of crisis, we often need someone their to put our lives in perspective. So please contact someone who can help and don’t hang up on them. The International Association for Suicide Prevention maintains a list of suicide prevention hotlines for countries all over the world. Also, if you don’t feel up to actually talking to someone on the phone, StopSuicide maintains a list of online instant messaging and chat suicide prevention resources.

You are not alone in this. There are ways to treat depression. Please contact people that can help you. Being depressed often makes it feel like you don’t have any more options. But that is a lie. That is just the depression talking. These feelings you have won’t last forever. We are in this with you, and we will all be cheering for you to get through this!

- The moderation team

 

2017. I was in the midst of a career change, a shitty boss at a shitty bank and probably on track to getting fired. I was seeing a therapist, angry a lot and depressed. I reached a point where I left my home, didn't know where I was going. Thoughts if suicide racing through my head. I was thinking about the wife and 2 young boys that might miss me for a while, but after that, they'd get over it. I was planning. I called a veteran crisis hotline. It was a start. They stayed with me until I went to a friend's and he took me in. I stayed a week. Recomposing myself. Starting a journey.

1-800-273-8255. National line.






Call someone.

 

Sadly i relapsed bro, and porn blockers do nothing for me because if i want to fap i’ll find 1 Million ways

 

Sorry to hear about the relapse. I don't know much about it, but another member once wrote about some kind of accountability/ porn blocker/ system that once logging into a named website, would notify an accountability partner who'd call and check. Sort of a home defense, alarm system.

Again, I understand your sentiment that if you want to find a way, you will. That reminds of something I was told in my journal, simply paraphrased, we need to Want to be be free of the porn and consciously decide to not let those things stand In our way. That was sent to me relating to my lack of commitment/ unwillingness, or inability to delete some private stash material of me and my Mrs. So even if I stayed off if the www P sites, I always had a secure album if material to hit. Recently I rid my phone of that folder and took another small step towards being free.

Good luck,

 

My relapse was not an accident but a decision, a full concious decision so i’m in control and i can stop myself but that day i didnt’t cared anymore cuz it wasn’t working for me.