Failed at nofap and possibly developed mental health problem while trying to quit

Hello! I've been addicted to porn since I was 12, so I guess it's been almost 8 years now. I used to PMO from one to three times a day when I was addicted. First time I noticed that pmo didn't do any good to me was at age 15. I didn't seriously commit to quitting pmo back then but I started feeling real bad about it, tried to quit several times but I was lazy and didn't make it past 2 days. Then some time later at age of 16 I decided I wanted to quit. I started taking rebooting seriously and gradually started lowering the amount of my porn use and masturbation. Finally about somewhere around two years ago I managed to get a great streak going, and I ended up going full on no PMO for 333 days. During that streak I felt wonderful. There was no shame, no depression, no guilt and I felt pretty good about my everyday life.

Last year it was time for me to graduate from high school and head to uni. I was moving to live alone for the first time and there was a lot to remember and to take care of. I was somewhat stressed but there was no problems until the last day before my studies were starting. I'm pretty bad at adapting to changes so I started stressing big time since I was going to meet a bunch of new people and start studying in a new place which was in a new city I'd never been before. I felt pretty overwhelmed and then I started to get urges to pmo for the first time in ages. I'm pretty sure something clicked in my brain since I used to cope with stress by doing PMO when I was addicted. Of course I fought it and managed to resist relapsing for the whole day, but then when I was going to sleep I got an orgasm without masturbating or watching porn. Everything has gone downhill since then.

After falling from my almost year long streak it wasn't so bad right away. I managed to do 1-2 month streaks and relapsed only by masturbating or orgasms without using porn. Then slowly my streaks started getting shorter and shorter and I used porn for the first time in a year. I don't know why I decided to do so. I was weak or I didn't care. From there to this very day I've been struggling to hold streaks for even a week. After I relapse it quickly escalates to porn use since I guess I just start telling myself that it doesn't make any difference to just masturbating or getting an orgasm. That's not true at all and I know it but I still fall for it every time.

I feel like I've fallen all the way back to the beginning with my reboot. My willpower is so weak that if I get hit with an urge after a week of no PMO I relapse straight away. I think I want to quit, but If I really wanted to quit I would have done it already. Maybe I lack a good enough reason for quitting.

Otherwise I'd have no problem relapsing once a week, but I feel too bad for many days after a relapse. I've started thinking that maybe it doesn't have that big of an effect in reality but I've made a relapse too big a thing in my head. After a relapse I just can't feel anything. Almost everything feels dull and I keep telling myself that I have no right to enjoy life since I relapsed. I barely do anything besides eating, sleeping and studying. I avoid doing things that I like since I'm afraid they wouldn't feel as good as usual. I know it's no good but I can't help it. It's like I want to torture myself for not succeeding. I don't want people to see me in this miserable state either so I don't hang out with people that much when I've relapsed. From what I've heard from others it shows straight in my face. I look tired and depressed.

When I've talked about this problem with others, they've been telling me that I'm just going crazy, that there's no reason to beat myself like that for something so minor. I know that they're most likely right that I'm overreacting greatly since relapse a week shouldn't affect my life to this degree.

Now that I've read this whole thing I've wrote it's pretty clear that I have a mental problem. It started when I decided to quit PMO and started failing. I never felt things like this from doing PMO when I didn't try to quit it. Still I don't want to go back to those times ever again.

Besides this problem I've having now I've always been a perfectionist with pretty much everything I do and I'm always demanding a lot from myself. I get upset if I don't succeed perfectly at studying and goals I've set for myself like nofap. I should be a lot easier on myself but I just can't bring myself to do it. I've always felt inferior to others and not being perfect makes me feel much more so. I've been considering getting help but I've felt too embarrassed to talk about it with a professional.

Thank you for reading and bearing with me and sorry if there's something wrong with pronouncing. I'm pretty sure this whole post looks ridiculous but I needed to let it out and write it down. Writing this made me feel a little better.

 

Thank you so much for your kind words! There's no way I'm giving up now even though it's hard now. I need to fight this addiction. Now that I'm back to this point even after my 333 days streak, it became so obvious to me that I'm really addicted to PMO.

 

I though it was pretty unlikely that someone would have felt similar things and would understand me but I guess I was wrong. That makes me really relieved. Also, thank you for the tips! Now that I think about it there was a time when I tried to quit that I didn't count my days daily or even weekly. That was the first time I made it to over a month. I might just try stop counting days again and see if it helps me this time. I've already gotten rid of all my tv-series, movies and other media containing nudity or sex. Also last time I used social media actively was 2 years ago.