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New Fapstronaut (and Catholic convert)

For Fapstronauts of the Catholic Christian Faith

  1. John Uskglass

    John Uskglass Fapstronaut

    Greetings!

    I will try to be brief. Thanks for reading: Regular masturbation since about age 12. This was certainly a way of coping with anxiety and depression due to some tough things that were happening in middle school.

    Some sporadic exposure to pornography early on. And some risky behavior in search of pornography, like masturbating in a library, etc. More regular use of pornography after the internet became a viable option - so about 15 years ago. I have had periods of minimal masturbation and no porn - up to a couple months at a time - but not lately.

    I am a religious person and so have felt loads of guilt and shame for a long long time. However, I have also resisted the law of diminishing returns and actively opposed escalation of my addiction.

    So the thing is, I have a lot to lose. I have a wife and three kids who are wonderful. She has caught me twice over the course of our marriage. Both times were (obviously) pretty crushing for her. But also her anger shuts the door for me on any real honesty/vulnerability. So I have tried some therapy or some spiritual direction in the past to little avail. She thinks the issue is solved. But it has just moved back into secrecy.

    A couple of years ago, I started a diet and lost 20 pounds. Last year I started at the gym and have been able to change my body pretty significantly. Now I need to be done with the sexual stuff! Alcohol is a pretty big trigger for me too, so I am trying not to drink at least for the near future.

    Really appreciate the thought behind this site and this forum.

    Thanks.
     
  2. 1Peter5:8

    1Peter5:8 Fapstronaut

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    Welcome, I hope you're able to find some comfort here. Many of our stories are the same, or have similar threads. I'm married with three kids, never been caught in the act, but was found out last January. It's a long...long...road of recovery, one that I have yet to find but working on. But there's support here. Stay strong, ask for prayers when needed!
     
    Johnthesavage and John Uskglass like this.
  3. Tempus Fugit

    Tempus Fugit Fapstronaut

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    I did a soft quit of alcohol a year ago (no drinking at home, but I did drink when out for dinner). It didn't work and I went back to drinking after about 4 months. However, recently I realized that I need to do a hard quit and go completely off the alcohol, both for health reasons and because liquor lowers my resistance to PMO temptations. I'm 40 days with no PMO, no alcohol.

    I found was that it is easier to publicly tell people that I'm quitting alcohol, especially if I am doing so for my health. "Good job," people say. "Keep it up." "Good for you!" However, I can't tell people publicly that I am addicted to porn and quitting. People freak out more over this admission. It is more socially acceptable to talk publicly about alcohol than porn or fapping.

    I hope you can find an accepting person who can be a source of encouragement and accountability regarding porn, even if your wife can't be that person for you. However, could you tell your wife about quitting alcohol, and could she be a source of encouragement for you in this regard? Having her on your side and giving positive feedback regarding the drinking might open up new and productive doors in your relationship... a positive development that might also give you some added encouragement to stay strong on quitting porn?

    Good luck and it does all get better.
     
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  4. John Uskglass

    John Uskglass Fapstronaut

    Thanks Tempus Fugit.

    Yes, definitely, alcohol is a more socially acceptable conversation than PMO! And that is of course part of the problem. You've got to keep P a secret even though something like 80% of males are regular users, if not addicts.

    Thanks for you advice. I would appreciate prayers on accountability side. It is something that I can go to confession for, but it has been a long time since I have had a good friendship where that felt like a safe conversation.

    You might be right about my wife and reducing alcohol. It is a conversation that we have had before, so it's not out of the blue. She has never seen it as acute. I don't do binges, really. But I can get into a pattern where I have to have a couple of drinks, beer or wine, every day. Then I start to feel bad, physically, but I keep doing it to keep the stress and emotional demons at bay. So she would be supportive of that in theory, but she also sees her life as so demanding that she doesn't want to carry anything for me. She wants me to fix myself and to feel that I am taking care of her. It's complicated. God have mercy.
     
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  5. 1Peter5:8

    1Peter5:8 Fapstronaut

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    What I find to be the most challenging aspect, is not all men see PMO as a problem. I have friends, close friends, who don't feel as strongly as I do that PMO is bad. While I take that stance it's both spiritually, mentally, physically bad for you. I have one friend who thinks, porn is bad, but masturbating is fine every now and then. Then I have one friend who is very PMO friendly. It's almost a running joke in our group of friends.
    Trying to have a discussion about my struggles with removing PMO is almost foreign to them. So there is this weird balance of I want my best friends to be accountability partners for me because they know me the best and we can discuss anything; but also having to convince them to the idea that PMO is bad. It's very difficult to play both roles of the strong one and the weak one in this struggle. (if that makes sense).
     
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  6. @1Peter5:8 I have this same problem haha. I have several very close friends that I'm more than comfortable talking about these issues with but they do not see PM as a problem as I do. And Since I keep struggling with it I know I need support groups like these. @John Uskglass I will be praying for you!
     
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  7. chastedude

    chastedude Fapstronaut

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    Welcome! You've come to a great place with great people and friendly support. You will succeed!
     
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  8. 1Peter5:8

    1Peter5:8 Fapstronaut

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    Yes it's quite frustrating. For my two closes friends, we have actually started having more religious conversations. It's meant to be about understanding. But to get them to see the damage that porn causes, there almost has to be a spiritual conversion for my friends. And I don't mean that to 'make them religious'. But more religion or at least the talk of the spiritual sets the 'moral baseline' for us to have an understanding conversation. Yes I can give all the science of why PMO is bad, but I feel if you take a science approach, there still has to be some moral common ground to start. Thoughts?
     
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  9. chastedude

    chastedude Fapstronaut

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    For me, start with the science (and the human trafficking aspects of porn as well) and all the porn-induced erectile dysfunction stories on here. Then eventually they may see the religious/moral aspect as a next step.
     
  10. Honestly, it's an apple and oranges thing. For me, I always felt that what I was doing was wrong and it wasn't a part of who I wanted to be. When I found myself on the road to Christianity and into the Catholic church last year, all of these feelings that I had started to make sense, and I found explanations for them within our theology. My friends don't share the faith and so they will not understand or appreciate any of my explanations. And since feelings are a personal thing I cannot convince them to feel a certain way as I did and still do. This doesn't leave us without possibility of helping our friends because,

    "You are the light of the world. A city set on a mountain cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and then put it under a bushel basket; it is set on a lampstand, where it gives light to all in the house. Just so, your light must shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your heavenly Father." (Mat 5: 14-16)

    It's good that you're having religious conversations though :). Maybe someday they will see, but for now, it is important that we do our best to do good because they do see us.
     

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