My husband the porn addict

Sorry to hear about that. Not much I can say because I'm just a kid. But I know that you will find a lot of people with similar experiences on this site and you've come to the right place. It is possible for your husband to recover. I just read a thread in Success Stories where a married man claims his wife fell in love with him again after quitting porn. I would love to see this work out for you two. And I encourage you to try to understand how porn damages men psychologically - you are not the only one suffering from this. But at the same time, it is not acceptable to neglect your wife in favor of porn.

Married lads, GTFIH!!!!

 

Well, it only took 27 years for my husband to figure it out. 28 years of marriage and he’s been in real recovery 1 and 5 month. Just know it might get better, but first they have to decide it’s a problem and that’s the most difficult step. Most lose their marriages. Unfortunately, it’s too accessible, too affordable, and too easy to hide. Makes it very difficult to get into recovery.

 

If you are suffering and he's doing nothing to help you, then why are you even with him?
Well, I shouldn't say this but this is what I feel.

But still, it's good that you want to make him change.

 

Yes I agree that this is very selfish of him and not a husbandly thing to do. He is acting like a grown child and I would be ashamed if I did that to my wife. It sometimes takes porn addicts a while to realize how their decisions hurt those around them. It certainly took me a while on Nofap to realize that I have hurt women because of my addiction.

I agree that giving him an ultimatum could work, OR it could backfire and damage your relationship depending on how he reacts. Have you ruled out therapy for you and him?

 

Reading about your situation is really hearbreaking. I know there are many relationships where porn is causing problems but just reading about someones like yours situation really breaks my heart.

When two people are joined in marriage there souls become one( my views, not anyone else's). And you got married to your husband because you loved him and wanted to spend the rest of your life with him. It can only bring pain when either person in a relationship is unhappy. I can't even begin to imagine how hard it must feel for you to consider leaving your husband. In my religion when two souls are one it's considered adultery when you divorce unless either person has been unfaithful or death separates them. I don't know whether I can view porn as cheating but when I consider that porn does let a man waste his seed when its not for the purpose of conceiving with his wife. After all sex was created for procreation only. When a man feels lust he has a wife who is there to satisfy him not another woman( porn in my view is another woman). Thus he has broken the vows which he has taken when he decided to make you his wife. He has been unfaithful you. Depriving you of happiness that he vowed he would love and support you.

I dont think you should divorce him just yet. We are better human beings when we can forgive others. I know you might be craving intimacy from him and him not giving you what you need can lead you to look for it somewhere else. And it can cause you further harm when you leave him but realise later on that maybe he was the one soul who was meant for you. I'm also not implying that you shouldn't leave him because in my view he doesn't deserve someone like you who loves him through all his faults. Because leaving him might also bring you the happiness you so much deserve.

I can only advise you to pray for what you really want. I believe when we speak what is in our hearts our creator will answer us. Also talk to him about how you feel regarding his lack of interests in you and what his porn addiction is doing to your relationship. He might realise the pain he's causing you or he might threaten you because he doesn't want you to leave. But you also need to consider the damage is actions is causing on your soul. We can forgive others for hurting us but we also have the choice to change our circumstances to live the life we deserve.

I do apologise for bringing religion into this and these are only my views and no one has to believe me or my views. It's just an opinion coming from me to you. Even if you don't want to hear what I have to say it doesn't really matter. I only care about people who are in pain. And I can sense that your husband is causing you a lot of pain.

I really wish you all the best my dear.

 

His reaction can only be terrible , more offensive , more defensive . The result , the effective distance and divorce.

He seems didn't understood the problems of porn , he did not understand porn induces his ED , his low initiative , low love.
Someone should explain him scientifically
> https://oceanrecoverycentre.com/2016/07/the-ultimate-guide-to-overcoming-internet-porn-addiction/

If him doesn't want to change , take some distance in bed, go to a psychologist specialized in sexology.
Find with professional care an action plan

I think a therapy can cost less than a divorce

 

Unfortunately he does prefer porn over you because of the mass amounts of dopamine it produces that we just can’t.porn is a super stimulus that cannot be replicated with sex with just one wife. His brain has been conditioned to seek and need the high that pmo gives him. I spent years initiating sex, trying to seduce my husband, counseling etc. I’m in freaking great shape, especially for my age! However, until my husband realized it was an addiction and got help, he just couldn’t stop. He needed to want to quit AND have tools and help. Porn is just a symptom of much deeper issues that must be dealt with in order to get into recovery.

 

What is exactly his recovery? I haven’t been married that long (12!years) but I am trying to get rebooted.

 

He’s been in counseling for the past 5 years on and off. It wasn’t until a year and a half ago that we learned it was an addiction, it was at that point he got into counseling with a csat, started going to sa group meetings, got accountability partners and put blockers on all devices including those from work. We originally tried rebooting while still having sex against the advice of our csat. At about 4 months clean he asked to do a hard reboot because the chaser after sex was making it very difficult to resist urges. We did 2 hard reboots making it about 50 days each one. We are very aware of when we have sex to be careful about the chaser. The biggest thing he did that I think has helped him be successful was finally getting honest and talking about it.

 

Unfortunately, there's not a lot that can be done when someone doesn't recognize that they have a problem. Based on his defensive reactions, it sounds like he is in denial. I'm very sorry that he is not receptive to you expressing your hurt to him.

Usually guys do not have any idea how much pornography use hurts their wives. Not until I started reading first-person accounts (like yours) did I see how deeply this hurts wives. Like most guys, I saw pornography as (very problematic) visual stimulation. On the one hand, it effected me deeply enough to the point that I refused to date anyone, because I didn't want to bring this baggage into a relationship. But, on the other hand, I never thought pornography use could be felt like a betrayal at the level of adultery by SOs.

One book that I found helpful to read and understand this perspective was Restored: True Stories of Love and Trust after Porn by Matt and Cameron Fradd. They are Catholic authors, and most of the stories in there are from Christian/Catholic wives who had to deal with their husbands' addictions. Still, I think the book would be powerful for anyone to read, Christian or otherwise. You may find it cathartic; and if your husband would read it, perhaps he might get the picture.

And based on what I've read, your feelings of stress/anxiety/PTSD are common for wives and significant others who's partner is using pornography. I know that there is an SO support group on this website... perhaps you might find some helpful information and support from there?

 

I someone is not in great shape they deserve sex too. You may need to rethink that or how you put it!

 

Freaking great shape.......... how does that make girls feel that may not be because of a PA addiction or how men treat them.

 

Lol, that’s not what I meant. I just think younger people think 50 is old and out of shape etc so of course he’s going to look at porn. I actually had a friend tell me that my husband looked at porn because I was too fat... I was 29 when I discovered and I was 110 pounds! But she was only 103 pounds and had no curves whereas I have a very curvaceous body which was not considered “ sexy” when I was a teen. Everyone deserves an intimate sexual life if they desire it! I was just told by so many that the reason my husband looked at porn was because things “ I” did or didn’t do. It took me a long time to get past the damage my “ friends” did.

 

To be honest... I work hard to look good because it’s my own self care. Other women get their nails done, shop, etc. so yeah I’m proud I still look good. But at 51 I do not look like a 20 year old, so I do what I can to feel great about myself. Unlike my friends, I would never tear another women down for how they look or how they cope with their husbands porn addiction.

 

This is looking like it could derail quickly. I'm not a referee or anything but I think we should focus on recovery.