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Confession and commitment

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by TambourineNThyme, May 4, 2020.

  1. Hey there everyone, I wanted to share my story in order to be completely transparent about the extent of my addiction.

    I had a very hard time writing all this, I hope you won't hate me.

    This is gonna be an unwieldy post.

    Around age 9 or saw a victoria's secret ad, and got the bright idea of finding it online. This was my first exposure to porn in any form, but it stopped there.

    Around age 11-12 I decided to look up things like "big boob girl" on youtube. I distinctly remember saying to myself, "just one more, just one more" after each video.

    My parents discovered the youtube watch history and I gave a sobbing confession.

    Around that age I first accidentally discovered masturbation...

    It was all downhill from there.

    Almost immediately I tried to do it wherever I could, and it would feel so guilty and shameful after.

    (My family is very religious and I was raised that way. I'm not anymore but it's an important note)

    Once again I felt too guilty to handle, and I came sobbing to my mom. She told me Jesus forgives everything that you repent of, and I felt a huge weight lifted off me.

    But, eventually I got back into masturbation. Slowly at first, then more and more often. Around then I started to fantasize about girls I knew.

    (Another note: I've always thought I was just a very sex-focused person)

    It continued this way from 11-15 or so. Masturbation, porn use, building guilt, confession, rinse repeat.

    I tried therapy twice during this time. Both times I didn't feel like they helped.


    Around age 15 things started getting risky. I'll spare the details, here's the worst of it:
    - PMO more often
    - M at school
    - Sneaking way too many looks at girls, all the time
    - M on the bus where no one could see me
    - Unending sexual thoughts
    - More and more perverted porn tastes
    - Ass play
    - Messaging random girls and girls I know
    - M to a innocent picture and video of my little cousin (the worst point)

    I nearly want to die so I never hurt anyone again.

    (Here's a good place for a note: I was recently diagnosed with ADHD, which brings with it a dopamine deficiency, making addictions more intense and harder to break)


    Around age 15, two years ago, I first heard nofap mentioned on reddit. I though it was exactly what I wanted - a way out.

    I tried it for a few days and quit. The nofap cycle began:
    - PMO or binge
    - 1-3 days NoFap
    - Repeat

    Last year, at 16, I was diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety. I started to understand why my addiction had been so extreme and so especially difficult to kick; dopamine deficiency.

    Dopamine deficiency is usually what causes the desparate depravity and desire for more and more extreme stimulation.

    Since I was born with that to begin with, instead of gradually getting worse, my addiction was a speeding semi with a brick on the accelerator.

    All of this, topped off with guilt, anxiety, religious doubt, constant tension in my home, school... I was stuck for so long.

    But that's no excuse.

    The cycle of relapse, 1 day streak, relapse has gone one too long.

    I'm committing again, today. I'm going to hit 90 days. I don't care it it takes 3 months or 30 years. I'm not living the life of a pervert.

    I'll update this thread when I hit milestones.

    Wish me luck friends.
     
  2. VeerNappage

    VeerNappage Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for sharing this. They call dopamine the anticipation drug for a reason; your mind's always on edge waiting for that next hit. If there's something healthy in your life that you could redirect those impulses to, you're better off. I play way more guitar, exercise more, and socialize a whole lot more for enjoyment and means to stay away from porn.
    I honestly have a very similar PMO history to yours. I hope you can reach that 90 day goal starting right now. I have your back!
     
  3. vercent99

    vercent99 Fapstronaut

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    realization is step 1, you realize your past actions were wrong, u cant change the past, but u change how u enter the future from now on. and dont think u are alone, i have also M at school before and i felt bad for doing it but i didnt wanna go with a boner back to class. i can relate to the unwanted sexual thoughts too, and it decreased a lot for me. but its not yet gone and i dont expect it to go away too early. you, me and others were addicted for years, so u cant fix everything in a week, it takes months or sometimes up to a year or more in severe cases. i dont think u have a severe case.

    u started day 1 again so focus on this, for me it usually gets hard at day 4, so i relapse. then the next streak i can go up to 5 days. i was then temporarely stuck on the same streak, 5,6,7 days. now its my first time being on day 12, and the urges only came at day 11 instead of being very early at day 4. my body keeps getting adjusted to less porn. this will most likely be same for u. A relapse is not failing. consider being trapped in a forest with tree parts on the ground, u know where the end of the forest is, so u keep running to it, but u will trip on the ground several times, and get up again, until u reach the light at the end and get out of entrapment in the dark forest.

    and for any questions people are always willing to help here, and u can get motivated from success stories on here.

    some tips:
    - sleep early, give ur mobile to a parent if necessary at night before sleep, or if ur home alone put it in another room
    - dont go near trigger places like instagram
    - try to stay near other people so u dont masturbate
     
  4. @VeerNappage

    Thanks! I need all the feedback I can get. I can ride my bike around my city more for sure, and work more on my new lifestyle. I can't socialize in person much now but when this is over I will.

    It's comforting to know that other people are in the same situation as me.
     
    VeerNappage, Higherlife and vercent99 like this.
  5. @vercent99

    I don't sleep with my phone, usually relapses happen because my phone is in my bedroom or I'm in the shower. I've already cut off all social media except my NoFap discord and these forums.

    As for staying busy and social, that's hard right now.

    Thanks for the reply bro.
     
    vercent99 likes this.
  6. PopularLoner

    PopularLoner Fapstronaut

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    Man!! Good luck
     
  7. PopularLoner

    PopularLoner Fapstronaut

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    This was really hard to read. we've all done really bad and shameful things that we regret somethings might even put some of us in prison for a while. But your heart is good it's just this sickness focus on getting better more than you count the days. Trust me it will occupy your mind with more positive things to do with your time and your life. Good luck.
     
  8. stefanfraunholez

    stefanfraunholez Fapstronaut

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    All the best on your journey!!
     
    TambourineNThyme likes this.
  9. Thank you everyone for the kind words. Here's how I plan to quit.

    I will not do the following things for my 90 days:
    - Pornography
    - Masturbation
    - Orgasm

    I will do the following things every day for my 90 days:
    - 15m morning meditation
    - Read or watch new lifestyle material
    - Cold shower
    - 15m evening meditation
     
    Free your mind and vercent99 like this.
  10. getbetter73

    getbetter73 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for sharing your story. As someone with both ADHD and OCD, I can never seem to make any progress whatsoever, so I completely understand where you're coming from. But I think it's great that you are focused on changing things. And the fact that you're on the boards here learning and digesting all of this information will certainly help. You can do this!
     
    TambourineNThyme likes this.
  11. jeffmbaptist

    jeffmbaptist Fapstronaut

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    There are many, many, MANY people that have done worse than you and have recovered.

    The good news is you are fighting this. You are young and can still have a long, successful life without pmo.

    Keep trying. It gets easier as you go along. Pretty soon, you will be amazed at how much cleaner your mind will become.

    All the best.
     
  12. Honest update: 2 days later, on day 0 again.

    The underlying problem, besides the addiction of course, is that I have a very "all or nothing" type brain. So the addiction uses that to convince me, "you didn't commit enough this time. you will next time."
     
  13. jeffmbaptist

    jeffmbaptist Fapstronaut

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    Keep working at it! You are right on schedule!
     
    TambourineNThyme likes this.
  14. Nevermind :/ Gotta keep the laptop out of the bedroom
     
  15. Somedayswerehard

    Somedayswerehard Fapstronaut

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  16. I've been on a binge for the past 2-3 days. But, I'm following Universal Man's plan to get over cravings, see attachment.
     

    Attached Files:

  17. denmyk

    denmyk Fapstronaut

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    Keep goin man. You can do this. Managed to go 8 days up to last week then relapsed for 3days. Im tryna put up a good streak again. Im on day 2
     
    TambourineNThyme likes this.

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