Two full years of NoFap (the long and detailed version).

My pleasure mate! Don't forget to hang in for last and final part (part-4) coming up within a week or so.

 

Hello fellas!
Here is the continuation of the long novel-type story I started to write a few months ago but to your surprise (or affliction perhaps) this will be the fourth part of five since the writing became a bit longer and more detailed than planned. Nevertheless, I think those details are important to add so maybe more of you can recognize yourselves in your current situations and life-struggles that you might be facing now. The fifth and last part will be published within short:


Part 4 of 5
..........As a result of my poor emotional self-control and self-esteem at the time, I developed a poor self-image early on and tried to hide away and escape from that cruel, bitter, envious and chaotic world outside. Although I didn’t have a whole lot of friends at the time, sitting in front of the computer, porn-browsing still made me even more complacent, indifferent and unmotivated, not only to pursue my current hobbies and interests with more energy but also to give me the initiative/drive to call up my friends and socialize with them. It was just so comforting sitting in front of that computer screen, clicking a few buttons and turn myself on to that adult-material while fantasizing being the dude with the huge 30 cm dick in the movie. The real stud who banged all those hot, busty and willing chicks with his huge D for minutes upon minutes (plus blowies and foreplay) without interruption. Little did I know or even think about that the clips were heavily edited and out of touch with reality in order to please their sex- and lust-obsessed internet-users like me.
As a result, I did of course continue to grow up, not only with a poor and weakened sense of self, it also screwed up my view of women, sexuality and what real love was all about. I thought most of it was just about the hot and smoking sex and that things such as pair-bonding and getting to know the other person were just small side-effects that you developed along the way, after the physical connection and action was put into place. At least, that’s the picture not only pornography tried to portray but also mainstream media and popular culture where your ego and intellect got fed with the “everyone is having sex at almost all times” message all the time. This did of course create even more feelings of stress, neediness and an urge to just get laid and many of my problems and issue would probably dissolve So of course, I did for many years not look much further than into a woman’s looks and almost disregarded her personality and other character traits totally (no matter how toxic they were) just because I was so obsessed by lust, sex itself and thought I never would become a real and complete man until I banged some beautiful chicks, no matter how shallow, superficial or phony they might have seem.
This point of view caused me a lot of pain and misery since I attached much of my personal worth, value and dignity to this factor alone which of course created a lot of unnecessary neediness. A neediness and desperation that could be felt hundreds of yards away which of course brought me even further from getting laid since neediness and approval-seeking is one of the least attractive traits a man can possess. But of course that thought didn’t even struck me (a man in his early 20’s) at the time since the feelings of desperation and frustration brought me even more pain and misery, seeking more approval in order to quench it. It was like a vicious circle feeding itself and growing larger for every single restart of it.
It would take me many years (not until my late 20’s) until I actually started to find out, bit by bit, for myself that being a real man (or alpha-male) who other men look up to and that women want for a more serious commitment has a lot more to do with genuine confidence, character, health-markers, body-language, posture, a good sense of self, and personal finances rather than being the insecure and overly macho, dead-beat a-hole who usually puts up a fake façade of confidence to, trying to cover up his many insecurities and shortcomings.
These days, dudes belonging to the latter type don’t bother or intimidate me at all (like they used to back in the day when I tended to become passive-aggressive towards them) since I have developed confidence and a good sense of self that is hard to penetrate. I just walk by them confidently and upright in every stride without paying any attention.

With that said, I don’t by any means support the hateful modernist/feminist notion claiming that a real man should be submissive, always be complying towards women (i.e. never standing up for himself, even if his own life and health is at stake), always express his feelings, not acting authoritative, never spend time with his male-buddies and not possessing or using any “traditionally” manly skills as these are seen as toxic masculine traits. Those feminist teachings are also a bunch of rubbish and we all know it since they aren’t connected to reality, nature itself and have had disastrous on modern societies as it has fostered a generation of weak, insecure, needy and submissive men who don’t know to act, control, behave and handle themselves. Especially not when engaging with the opposite sex as they have been fed very ambiguous messages from childhood. One message where their own nature, body, brain and mind tell them to act one way while media outlets and modern society tries to shame them for it and make them act the opposite way because it fits their narrow world-view and twisted view of nature and reality.
No wonder why established media, politicians, and the media-outlets need to push and force this social conditioning and bias down people’s throats, because if they had opened the doors to the opponents for open debate and discussion, they know they would lose every single time.
The dire consequence is of course an entire generation of weak, insecure and confused men who later learn it the hard way as they discover for themselves what women really want as opposed to what the toxic media and popular-culture tries to tell them. I was one of those men who had to learn it the hard way but I am God thankful I didn’t settle for some mediocre and nasty woman in my 20’s (getting stuck with a kid, family and everything) because that was probably the only type of women I would have been able to attract back then since like attracts like. So, what could I have possibly expected apart from dating mediocre women since I was quite mediocre myself?
But, especially confused, lost and desperate must be the men who grow up in single-mother households where no male authoritative figure is ever present. Neither there or in school and during their spare-time, unless they play a sport or partake in an activity where a strong male role-model is present perhaps. No wonder many of them develop mental illnesses and become numbers in the crime-statistics all over the world. Although I didn’t grow up in such a household, I still experienced the many setbacks and consequences of growing up with a weak and absent-minded dad and father-figure.
Still, I am not the least bitter about it nowadays since he has learned me many lessons of how to not be and act as a dad so I can do a better job in the future when I become a parent myself. Especially with regards to moral-courage, integrity and fear of conflicts/heated disputes. Just to end this chapter on a good note (and not result to denigration only), he did of course do good things as well, like displaying some authority, putting up clear boundaries and not spoiling me and my siblings, despite having grown up in such an affluent neighborhood where many parents spoil their kids. To this day, I am glad for that as me and my siblings get lots of appreciation for being so well-mannered, polite, considerate and humble, despite having had more privileges and benefits than most, which of course makes our parents proud to this day, although my dad might be ill for the moment.

It was still bad enough at the time as it made me want to flee and escape from the world around me and one such way was turning into isolating- and destructive habits like internet porn and PMO. It became a comfortable and pleasurable way to escape and not having to deal with any of the underlying emotional and mental pains I was experiencing at the time. These underlying pains and voids would take me years to get out from later on but at the moment, I was quite unaware of the destructive cycle and patterns I had created for myself, not to mention the big pit I had dug myself into over time.

I remember the times I went out on bars and clubs in my 20’s where I gave in to easily into the mind-games that several AMOGS tried to play with me, almost starting fights with some of them. Until age 30, I was pretty much an easy target for those AMOGS who tried to play mind-games with me but with increased self-control and self-awareness ever since, they don’t bother me nowadays. These days, I just ignore them and if that’s not possible at the moment, I just remain icy and don’t give them too much attention since I know that’s what their egos feed on for their survival.
Without that fuel, it simply fades and vanishes into thin air, just as they do in the moment they realize their mind-games don’t work this time.
But, let’s switch focus now onto what painful moment(s) that specifically turned the tide into that physical, mental and spiritual awakening that slowly made me progress towards NoFap and a better, healthier, more spiritual and holistic approach and overall lifestyle. I can’t really say or know if it was those three, four events alone but it was rather a series of events that unfolded quite amazingly over the following years, although those four traumatic events (mentioned in an earlier post) are the ones I remember better than the others since they propelled me into a transition towards something bigger and better.
Probably because the amount of physical emotional and spiritual pain experienced during those moments was so intense (especially in the chest and gut) and never ending that I literally felt like choking, being stuck in a bottomless pit, never-ending cycle and seriously wondered where my life was heading and if there was ever a chance in hell that I was going to recover, flourish and live a great life in the future. If you have ever read Eckhart Tolle’s “The power of now” where he explains how he had a revelation after a major depressive period in his late 20’s, I can almost say I experienced similar revelations but in my case, they didn’t all come crashing down at once but rather in two, three rounds/occasions.

Although the last of these three major life-changing events occurred in the early months of 2018, I think it all started in 2014-2015 after I had recently moved back to Sweden after living almost six years abroad. Right after I moved back overseas permanently after almost six years abroad, there was a period of big uncertainty, doubt and emptiness that came with being graduated and unemployed for a few months until I got offered a employment (or probationary period) at big pharmaceutical company 250 km away. That meant I had to move to an entirely new town and only got the chance to visit friends and family every other week or so. The decision to move over there was probably one of the worst decisions I had ever made.
Although it would later on perhaps become one of the better decisions I had made since that experience was probably needed for me in order to determine what I really didn't want out from life or how I wanted my life to be from that point on.

.....To be continued

 

No worries mate!
It is certainly not easy to describe and trying to portray what was going through my mind back in the day. The thing is that you aren't capable of clear and apprehensive thinking when you do PMO.
It is something that rather arrives later on as you have started to come out on the other (and better) side of life when you also have aged a little and gained some more life-experience during the time. During my 20's, I was essentially so messed up mentally and spiritually that I wasn't even aware of my it at the time. The degree of delusion, impulsive thinking and acting at the time was appalling to say the least.

 

Almost none these days! How about you?

 

Oh yeah!
There is still a lot of things I need to work on, although they seem to go a little smoother for every month. Currently, I partly struggle with procrastination, not going to sleep on time and not believing in myself too often. I also need to work more on my meditation-practices which I will need nowadays as the neighbors above bother me a bit.
Both with her kids running around on the floor above me much of the day, and her toxic, negative energy that I don't want to go near.

 

Tomorrow (Thursday) comes Part 5 of 6 in this more detailed version. I know I always publish a few more parts than I originally intended but I promise, it will be decent reading!

 

I have also noted a hugely improved sleep as I stopped drinking coffee 15 days ago. The first week, I had horrible withdrawal symptoms and felt a huge fatigue between days 2-5 but after that, I fall asleep very easily, wake up more alert and less grumpy and moody than before.
Also, staying away from coffee/caffeine also improves your gut-flora, heals the digestive system and makes you less grumpy, irritated and moody overall. I start to finally realise what drug that has been for the past 7-8 years of my life.

 

The length is about the same as before but the quality is much higher with less disruption, more energy and alertness upon awakening and a better mood as well. After noticing the multiple benefits of abstaining coffee, I am definitely thinking about staying on this path forever because it is simply not worth that short moment of enjoyment.

 

Hello lads!
Here is the continuation of the long novel-type story I started to write a few months ago but to your surprise (or demise), this will be the fifth part out of six since the writing (once again) became much longer and more detailed than planned. Nevertheless, I think those details are important to add so you can maybe try grasping what goes on in your minds right now. Plus the current struggles you might be facing. The sixth and final part will be published within short and that will be the last part for sure because I can't keep on writing on this forever as it would turn out being a novel/book rather than a novella/short story:

Part 5 of 6

........The town was notorious for its architectural ugliness (think of just a slight upgrade from Soviet concrete architecture) but that wasn’t the worst part. The sheer lack of friends, family, a social life and interesting activities and people outside of work (except training and reading) really had a hard toll on my mental health in the long run. Despite being employed and having a steady job, my life felt even emptier than previously and as I noticed that many colleagues, despite being educated, seemed so mundane and mediocre outside of work (the work equaled the identity for many), I felt like they were only going to be colleagues and nothing else. It was also very hard talking to them about anything deeper or more profound as that was often considered too sensitive or politically incorrect.
Many of them feared ostracism, repercussions and expulsion from the group if they did. Hence, the discussions during the lunch- and coffee breaks rarely got interesting but rather remained at a very mediocre and superficial level all the time.

I tried to make friends outside of work a few times but the efforts seemed in vain as I discovered I had very little in common with those people. All they seemed to care about was to await the weekend so they could go out and drink, party and forget about their miserable jobs, lives and the town they lived in. A town with only 33 000 inhabitants where a lot of people knew each other from the start and rarely let any newcomer enter their tight community as that would threaten their mediocre way of life. If there was someone who showed them better and/or healthier ways/alternatives to live, he was pushed back into the bootlegs right so he knew his place. That’s the way it unfortunately works in most of Sweden these days (the law of Jante) and I am to this day not sad or frustrated at all about not having been let in into any community in that town. They would just have dragged me down even more with their negative mindsets, petty behaviors and low energies.
Hence, I resulted to PMO for the first 3 ½ years as a means to escape and being able to cope with myself and the crushing loneliness that became my daily life in that town. Already after having lived and worked there for 6-7 months, I felt something was terribly wrong and in the spring/summer of 2015 as I was having occasional panic-attacks and felt chest-pressures during some nights. It was usually in the form of a dream in which I was locked in (under the water-surface or beneath a car), couldn’t get air and gasped for it. The moment I was gasping for air, I woke up immediately, feeling sweaty, terrified and glad that it was all a dream.
No wonder I was feeling that way during the following spring as I had sacrificed much of what I held the dearest, namely my family (parents and siblings), competitive running and what could have become of it if I still lived near my home-city. All of that for just working at a pharmaceutical company who didn’t seem to even appreciate me being there and doing that sacrifice. Not even for having sex years of education (including graduate research) on my back, the wage wasn’t good at all. As a matter of fact, it wasn’t even decent, considering the high living expenses (plus tax-deductions) in Sweden. The feelings of regret, misery and agony grew bigger with time and after having lived there for two years and the weekend-commutes every other weekend, things started to crash down on me during the other half of 2016.

The moment where I actually started to feel that PMO had made me into a sick/ill and deprived human being was during my summer-vacation-trip to Iceland. After having stayed at mostly hostels and B&B’s throughout the trip (where the bathroom was shared), the urge and desire to defile myself was at times so big that it definitely numbed my experience and connection to the fantastic and astounding nature. Despite experiencing that almost untouched wilderness in all its beauty, I felt quite empty, abandoned and hollow inside as the urge for PMO was taking up so much of my thoughts. On the evening before my departure back to Sweden, I finally got my chance and PMO-binged for 45 minutes and afterwards, that feeling of emptiness, fatigue, indifference and uselessness took over and made me feel like the biggest loser and slave in the world.
A slave to lust, desire, decadence and vices of various kinds that needed to be replenished ones in a while, just to keep me alive and forget about my problems and issues in daily life.
When looking back at pictures from that trip, I do now see a weak, insecure and hollow-eyed addict (with lower T-levels) when compared to today. It is truly amazing what prolonged periods of semen-retention has done to my T-levels and entire physiognomy. I do today look like a balanced, strong and healthy man and not a scared (and almost malnourished) and insecure boy.
During my trip to The States right afterwards, I felt even worse, not only because of the hot and humid weather, but rather because of the intense feelings of uselessness, loneliness, and helplessness that I felt during the trip, despite having revisited friends and a wedding as well (which should have been moments of joy and happiness). It was just a preview or early beginning of the big crash that was coming a few months ahead. Because, on that late October (or early November) night that year, the feelings of pain, agony, regret, loneliness, and misery became so overwhelming that I literally felt paralyzed and incapable of doing anything. I was feeling so sad, empty, lonely, exposed and miserable that I don’t know how to best describe it. I also felt a pressure over my chest for another week or so (an angst-ridden pressure) and perhaps it was the signal that also told me that these myriads of negative emotions and pains were largely self-inflicted which they indeed were.

Hence, I needed to take charge of my own life if I wanted to make the best of it. I could no longer go on blaming others for my shortcomings but rather needed to take personal charge of my life and steer the ship towards the right direction if I wanted to change it all. This notion of personal responsibility would take me another two months before completely absorbed and even if that was a painful and angst-ridden period in many ways, it also gave me some relief as it told me that I am largely the maker of my own destiny, despite what others might think or say about it. That lesson was painful but well-needed since I decided (on that 2016/17 New Year’s eve) to finally start doing something about my life-situation so life could progress in a desired direction. The only hurdle was that I had no clue whatsoever about where and how to start this long journey.
But, I knew for sure that a good place to start would be to stop watching porn altogether since one of the podcasts (with a society-critical profile) I had been listening to exposed the double-standard according to which I had lived for the past 14-15 years. After having been talking for a few minutes about its many side-effects, one of the radio-presenters blatantly told that if you lived consistently (according to your beliefs as you preached) and found watching porn enjoyable, you should also be allright with having your own sister, mother, wife, cousin, or other kind of relative performing it on the screen as well.
It was here the moral qualms become too overwhelming as I really didn’t want to see one of my own family members performing such filthy, humiliating and degrading acts on the screen. I realized a good place to start at my self-improvement journey would be to at least life as I preached in all walks of life, porn included. Thus, I decided to stop porn would be a good place to start since it would not only purify me a little from all the filth associated with it. Stopping it also had the potential of making me a better, more confident and reliable person who could be honest to himself and others in all situations as lying, cheating and covering things up was something I truly disliked and even despised. Transparency regarding important and critical matters was something I had always been a supporter of as it would have greater capacity of resolving troubles/issues on the spot rather than prolonging and stretching them out over time.

Here was another troubling aspect of my former viewing habits that came into light as time passed by; that one regarding honesty and sincerity in all aspects of life. Having to lie about my porn viewing-habits (as I saw that as something too shameful to talk about) was also one of those hurdles that needed to be overcome and surpassed if I wanted to live a decent and flourishing life in the future. A life in which I could be 100% sincere and not acting as a liar and cover-up-artist who would customize his answer and statements depending on the crowd. Hence, I could either keep on watching porn and lie about it whenever it suited my interests, or I could stop watching it altogether and be honest to others about not watching porn with nothing to hide.
The decision wasn’t too hard after all but I still struggled a little during that year as I was watching plenty of video-clips and images that were on the borderline to pornography, such as pictures of lightly-dressed women and models for example. Still, I managed to improve some things about myself such as body language and posture. After I had read about those things and how people perceived them, I was from that point on never walking with slouching shoulders or talking with hands in my pockets, leaning too much or shrinking myself. The only thing I still had troubles with was eye-contact as my look easily swayed, flickered and lost the recipient. Despite some minor improvements in daily life around age 29, I still got the feeling or sensation that my life had only become marginally better than it was during my P-days.
No wonder why since I was still M:ing at the time while still working the same dissatisfactory job in the chemical lab at the pharmaceutical company. Almost all of my pre-existing anxiety, shakiness and insecurity was still there, not to talk about my ragged hair, erratic growing facial hear, gloomy eyes which I can truly spot when looking at some pictures from the summer of 2017. When looking at that picture, I do spot someone resembling a remote-controlled robot rather than a man or human being.
It was the same summer I traveled to Australia and Tasmania for the very first time and despite enjoying the trip a whole lot, it also felt like I was rarely completely present in the moment and couldn’t feel and embody the moment itself. The astounding and unique nature and the surroundings didn’t become much more than objects to me which is very sad when I think about it.
At least, I got a little glimpse of this spiritual side as well when traveling through Tasmania as the fauna and all the funny animals was something I had never seen or experienced before. I also abstained from M:ing for a few days during that trip which I really think enhanced the experience a whole lot. I have also been fond of animals during most of my life and even during my PMO-days, my compassion and appraisal for them was still there. Swedes and Scandinavians are nature-bound people by nature and evolution, so animals and nature have always been essential parts of our daily lives throughout the centuries. There are few things in life (that can be counted as one of the smaller pleasures) that I still to this day appreciate more than going for a walk in a big forest and just be present in the moment.
However, apart from all the stunning national parks and amazing cuisine I got a taste of, I also met some great people at the B&B’s I was staying at overnight. At one of them, the owner was an ex-Dane and at the other (in the beautiful countryside), the owners were ex-Britons who were glad to have left the UK a decade earlier. Not to slander any British readers here, but I don’t blame them when thinking about the standard UK-weather, all the overcrowded roads, towns, cities, CCTV-cameras everywhere and pissed off and stressed-out people you often encounter in the streets.
Despite it being winter-time during my trip, the climate was surprisingly mild and gentle much of the time, apart from the snow-covered landscapes up in the mountains where temps were down at -2-3°C at the lowest point. It was still a surreal feeling to me experiencing snow and winter in July, which for us Northern-hemispherers is equivalent to warm summer where all fresh food rot away in a matter of days. When standing alone there on a mountain in one of the many national parks, I enjoyed the scenery and felt very grateful and privileged for being able to experience such astounding nature in another corner of the world, some 16 000 km away from home.

Another aspect I didn’t take into consideration with regards to my swaying mood during the trip (at least not at the time being) was my consumption of junk-foods such as too many sugary beverages (sodas and beers), pastries, cookies and potato-chips. No wonder why I felt my mental state swaying much of the time, followed by a fatigue-crash later in the day. Not to talk about those blood-sugar type hunger-cravings recurring every other hour. Not only was I spilling my seed at the end of that Tasmania trip but did also beat my body and mind up by feeding it too much junk and too little of real food. Although I was never fat or even close to overweight during my PMO-years (because of my intense and crazy exercise-habits), I was still enslaved by gluttony much of the time and if I had had an MRI-scan taken of my body, I am sure there would have been a lot of visceral fat stored inside of that skinny frame.

I do especially remember my last night in the beautiful capital town of Hobart where I heard another couple shagging in the room above (I think it was) and how miserable it felt being alone and uncoupled in that hotel-room, despite the amazing trip overall. But, it didn’t bother me for too long as I fell back to sleep after that long day outside in the sunshine. After that, I enjoyed the remainder of my trip in sunny Brisbane and Sydney before traveling back to Sweden and my mom’s 60th Birthday-party. After that insanely long trip and three stopovers later, I was rightfully exhausted when arriving the same morning on the day it was going to take place.
Despite it being a quite cool summer overall (actually the coolest in 150 years since the harvest failures and starvation years in the 1860’s), little did I know that my life was going to change very drastically within the next seven months, nevertheless that they were going to be life-transformative to a degree I never could imagine beforehand. Mainly because what was happening to my dad, myself and my siblings during that time, how my trustworthiness to him (and his new woman) changed and how it nearly made me breakdown completely.

To be continued ...........